NFL Before-The-Season Preview: The Brown Noise

The year was 1995.  The Browns were told that there would not be the Browns come 1996, as the team would be moving to Baltimore.  The world rejoiced.  Cleveland should have thanked Baltimore for taking the team to a new level.  Instead they turned that smile upside down.  They were being selfish jerks, as one acts when they are from Ohio.

In 1999, Cleveland started doing football once again, and they weren’t terrible.  Well, not every year.  Some years were worse than others. They had one year (2007) where they went 10-6.  It was pretty much downhill from there.

What was the reason for being so bad?  Probably talent scouts.  They picked more QBs in the draft than a toddler does magic nose goblins in a year, each QB being blamed for how shitty the team was.  In reality, the talent scouts and the team management were just piss poor.

With all this chaos going on, the Browns then managed to follow a 1-15 season with a perfect season!  0-16, an achievement only a few teams have managed to pull off.  In comparison, the Jets aren’t even capable of such things because they even fail at trying to have the worst record.  The Browns are a team of achievers!

That’s when the team decided to quit having such a good time and thought that maybe they should win a game or two, which eventually got them to an 11-5 record last season.

 

In the more flashy roles on the team, you have a pretty good pass rusher in Myles Garrett.  Don’t let that weak first name fool you.  He had 12 sacks last season and 18 QB hits.  His best hit to date is when he took the helmet of Mason Rudolph The Red Nose Dickface and beat him with it.  Moments like this remind me of what shitheads are in Cleveland.

The receivers on this team are pretty good.  By pretty good, I mean you have a quality receiver in Jarvis Landry.  Then you have OBJ, who is only there to be a side show, as he only wants to make showboat catches.  Don’t believe me?  Look at his stats.  OBJ is the most overrated receiver in the NFL, but only because he doesn’t care about winning the game.  Even that waste of space Antonio Brown knows how to get open and catch a ball.

At QB, they decided to draft the biggest asshole of them all:  Baker Mayfield.  He can throw the ball, but never ask him to scramble.  When he has to run, it’s usually backwards and he winds up getting intercepted, if not sacked.  A good pass rush can easily make this team lose just for that reason.  Dude walks around looking like a hobo that needs murdered.  Pretty sure he’s going to wind up being the next Big Ben in all the wrong categories.

This season, they tried to sure up the D as much as possible in the CB position and with the addition of Clowney.  If Clowney can have a season where he isn’t hurt, this will work out well for the team.  But, you know that isn’t possible, so who the fuck are we kidding.

Chubb has been the leading RB on the team for the last 3 seasons.  The life expectancy of a RB is about 3 seasons.  And since he just signed a 3 year extension with the team, you can guess it’s time to get injured and miss most of a season, followed by a downturn in numbers for the rest of his career.

So, expect there to be injuries that hold this team back.  They may never return to the glory of yesteryear with the perfect season under Hue Jackson, but they hopefully lose more game than they win.  Fuck this team.

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TheRevanchist
A face only your mother loves… repeatedly.
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[…] Browns (TheRevanchist) […]

Don T

This is great! Big up for Myles Garret beating Rudolph, strong disagree on OBJ.
Oh, boo yo’self.

Don T

Hmm. Will watch closer.

litre_cola

OBJ is absolutely the most overrated WRs in the game. No question.

blaxabbath

Watching [*Redacted] s v OG [*Redacted] killers and 4 here is not much of a QB.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Kinda weird how Bayfield Maker looks a lot like Robert DeNiro as Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver. At least in that last shot… I can see him responding to the reporter’s question in the presser after the loss, “You talking to me?”

Last edited 3 years ago by Viva La Tabula Raza
Gumbygirl

He’s got a weirdly lopsided head, and not in a good Gumbish way. And the sleazy porn stache is not screaming sexay like he thinks it is.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Yeah, that stache will never give Magnum PI’s any sleepless nights.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Dunstan

Dude walks around looking like a hobo that needs murdered”

That’s bait.

Dunstan

I just don’t think scotchy takes requests, at least not if they involve travel. He’s repeatedly ignored my hints about Steve Bannon.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Just don’t pick the wrong hobo.comment image

Horatio Cornblower

Cardinals color guy just said that the pitcher shouldn’t give in and pitch around the hitter with a 3-run lead and a man on with one out in the 9th.

Well, he didn’t, and now it’s 7-6 with one out in the 9th.

blaxabbath

There’s no Zymm around to correct me on this sooooo……

I think it’s funny that we treat teams by linear W/L trends instead of as a weighted average. This franchise is looking down the barrel of two decades with only two seasons above 7-wins and both of those are absolute double-digit anomalies. Is Baker Mayfield Johnny Manziel? No but I wish. Point is, the Haslem factor is good for four losses right out the gate. So can Cleveland improve on their eleven win season? Sure — by two games (in a 17 game schedule).

Chubb’s had a nice little career though. Wasted away in Cleveland but most guys don’t get a shot at the playoffs each year so I’m not going to shed a tear for this multi-millionaire.

Redshirt

Cleveland’s problem is they were put in an expansion team in a division with four great teams (Jaguars, Titans, Steelers, Ravens), with the expectation to go back to what they were in the early 90s (a team a few steps away). The first game against the Steelers was the perfect example. Everyone wanted a good old fashioned AFC Central fight, but the Browns weren’t nowhere near ready.

That’s been the problem with the Browns: unrealistic expectations.

Gumbygirl

I don’t know-I always expect them to lose, and they usually do! Seems like those expectations are the very definition of “realistic”

Redshirt

Hey, we Ohioans may be selfish and jerks, but… uh, what was the third thing you said?

Redshirt

It’s more like a compulsion, but less like a curse. I don’t know what I did in a past life to be a Cincinnati sports fan, but it must’ve been something.

“Why is that guy going to the book depository with that large bag? Probably nothing.”

“You a bad artist. You should join the army at fight in World War I. Don’t question why I numbered it. Enlist now!”

“Trust me, Bill. The future is in coaching. Coaching and hoodies.”

Horatio Cornblower

Speaking of shitty organizations that never reward their fans, the Pirates are playing the loathsome Cardinals on MLB Network right now. Love working at home with a ballgame on in the background.

King Hippo

as a supporter of the only baseballing squadron in our historical stratosphere u shouldn’t be so jelly

Horatio Cornblower

I’ll like the Cardinals a lot more when Yadier Molina retires.

Bob Gibson was my namesake uncle’s favoUrite pitcher, so I’ve always somewhat admired them. But I fucking loathe Molina, as I believe I may have mentioned more than once around these parts.

Anyway, fuck Yadier Molina.

Gumbygirl

“the Pirates are playing” Lolololololol!

Horatio Cornblower

Fair. To be accurate I should have said “nine men wearing Pirates uniforms have picked up some equipment and are engaged in a performance art piece that somewhat resembles the game of baseball”

Gumbygirl

I was just watching a Little League game
Those kids are better than the Bucs.

Sharkbait

Who wins a playoff series/game first:
Edmonton Oilers or the Browns?

Horatio Cornblower

Trick question. We all lose.

Sharkbait

At least watching Connor McDavid is entertaining. We all lose if it is a choice between the Browns and the Sabres.

Horatio Cornblower

The Sabres were at least relevant back when Hartford had a team, but my god they are just embarrassing these days.

King Hippo

if they played each other, I wouldn’t believe either could win.