The tevee fuckadoos called last Saturday “Week Zero” – even though the results count (sorry, Cornfuckers). So in a technical sense (the best kind of right!) tonight is Week 1 kickoff. You have some halfway decent fixtures!
Temple (+14) at Rutgers (6:30, BTN)
Y’all remember I called (and wagered) the ML for Illinois? I am now advising the same for Temple. They are perpetually a pain-in-the-arse opponent, and this line seems a vast overreaction to the new manager bump and/or ded cat bounce (for 2020’s Schiano Men). Expect some reversion to the mean in Year Two, as teenagers are quite adept at tuning out the yelling.
Boise State (+5) at UCF (7:00, ESPN)
Here’s your “fun and gun” offering, though Hitler Mice being at home robs us of the blue field. But just think of how much #NuAIDS2 – Delta Force! they can take back to share with Idaho, and the rest of the Mountain West. FUN SHIT!!
South Florida (+14) at NC State (7:30, ACCN)
I have to watch, so you should too. Help a brutha out!! Yes, this line makes me nervous, but only medium-ish. The Bulls really should be shite, as I note in my full preview here. Maybe wave to Hippo’s kid, as I imagine she will go?
Appalachain State (-10.5) v. East Carolina @ Richardson Plantation (7:30, ESPNU)
So much North Cakalaky, so little time! Everyone around these parts generally likes Happy Appy, and despises EZU (even though their School of Music/music education program has really impressed me and oldest HippoSpawn). As I have mentioned before, the worst fucking people in the world are EZU football/U*NC basketball hybrid fans. See both bumper stickers on same car? Run those motherfuckers into a goddamned pole.
Ohio State (-14) at Minnesota (8:00, Fox)
One hopes this is a sign that Fox will be more creative getting semi-interesting fixtures into non-traditional broadcast windows. This will likely be the most value you can get on tOSU all season, so bet accordingly. I also wonder how effective Mr. “Row the Boat” is, once you’ve heard his spiel a few pre-seasons already.
There can’t possibly be anything else going on that merits your attention. Rob Manfred is a galactical disgrace.
Carson Wentz asks people to respect personal decision even if it’s dumb (msn.com)
The Forfeit Gods demand a sacrifice!
Counterpoint:
Damn, that article doesn’t hold back on Wentz.
I mean, there’s nothing untrue in there; it’s just odd to see a writer really go after an individual player like that.
So there’s a British announcer on the ESPN tennis coverage, and he’s using an expression I’m only used to hearing on Lesser Footy broadcasts. (Ok, actually, on Football Manager.) “There’s everything left to play for.”
Can’t decide if I like it or not. It has the weird implication of “if this weren’t close, they’d just go through the motions the rest of the way, but it is close, so they’ll really try!” Which… is not wrong, I guess.
I interpret that as the outcome is no more decided than at that start.
I believe this is correct, but I don’t speak Limey.
Ah, I’m sure you’re both right. I’m probably being overly literal.
I had the #1 puck in a FF draft and took Kamara. That got a “I did NOT expect that 🤣”, and a “Yeah”.
Point is: I don’t miss sodomy-based slams. And what the yell’s wring with Kamara at #1? Whatever. Two more for the enemies list.
Wow, you really fucked yourself in the ass.
(If you do it to yourself, it’s not sodomy)
(Also, while I think it’s a not-great pick, I will not judge because you still don’t have electricity or agriculture)
(Wait…coconuts count as agriculture, so I retract that part)
Yeah yeah. Alls I know is a handful of boricuas shot more Congresspeople in the 50s than thousands of ‘Murrikan gun nuts last Jan. 6.
Could you please contact said boricuas? Bout time for a rerun.
All were pardoned by Jimmy Carter. Here’s one:
Cool to see a Lebron hitting shots when it counts!
Let’s do this hockey
Ida aftermath update: Our street was backed up and water came into the backyard and was up to Madre Weaselo’s bumper. Hermana Weaselo had a little water seep in.
I, being in the apartment, was fine. Had to check grandfather’s car (which is actually in the garage) but no damage there. Not that he uses the car.
Looks like you guys dodged a bullet on that one. Glad to hear!
Good. God needs to punish bad people, not you. Unless you’re bad, which you might be.
God apparently punished skaters, since the skate park in the park across the street from Senorita Weaselo turned into a swimming pool.
That’s because Trump owns the Central Park skate rink.
Is THAT why there was a tornado in New Jersey and severe flooding in Philadelphia?
Actual analysis about football schemes and strategy? On my national broadcast? What did I take/what planet am I on/when will I wake up?
FATMAN TOUCHDOWN!
Latest Win-Loss Predictions for Every NFL Team Ahead of 2021 Season | Bleacher Report | Latest News, Videos and Highlights
I can live with 7-10, assuming Joe Burrow walks off the field in Week 18 and not in/on a cart/ambulance/medevac/hearse of course.
Just for grins, what do you say we all predict division winners? Right here, right now:
AFC East – William Frederick “Buffalo Bill” Cody
AFC South – Tits (we Texans fans call them the BESFs)
AFC West – Chefs
AFC North – Ratbirds
NFC East – The fucking goddamn asshole shithead Cowboys (I don’t like the Cowboys)
NFC South – The Tom Bradys (Southern Edition)
NFC West – Saddle Sox
NFC North – Aaron goin’ out in a blaze of glory with the Pack
AFC
East – Bills
West – KC
South – Tennessee
North – Cleveland
NFC
West – Seattle
North – Green Bay
South – Tampa
Satan’s Taint – Dallas
AFC
East = Bills despite Beasley dying during bye week
West – Kansas City Football Team
South – Titans
North – Baltimore because of a Ray Lewis speech probably
NFC
East – Washington Football Team
West – RRRRRRRRRRRAMMMMMMMMMIT
South – Tampon Bay
North – Green Bay even thourgh AARon retires 3 different times
Also, surprising teams:
Surprisingly good: Washington, Jacksonville
Surprisingly shitty: Minnesota, San Francisco
I’m actually inclined to believe in WFT, even if their QB situation is just Journeyman City. We’ll see about the Jags.
But I agree with you on Minny and San Fran.
If a person lives in Houston and doesn’t hate the Cowboys, that person is an asshole.
Agreed.
AFC East – LOLfins
AFC South – 500’s
AFC West – DONKS
AFC North – Bungles
NFC East – Gigantes
NFC South – Falcons
NFC West – Qards
NFC North – Chi****
Wow, Ayo making some strong, bold predictions! I like it!
Either that or Ayo is playing Football Razz.
I’m doing a victory lap if at least two of these are correct.
AFC East: Buffalo (Miami will regress, NE hasn’t done enough)
AFC South: Tennessee (Indy will keep it close)
AFC West: Kansas City (wins in a walkover)
AFC North: Cleveland (Baltimore will lose by a tiebreaker, Pittsburgh will start fast but fade faster (boy, if I had a nickel…))
NFC East: Whoever wins, we all lose…okay Team (no way Dak will be 100% to start the season, NYG isn’t ready yet, Eagles are a dumpster fire…well the biggest one)
NFC South: Tompa Braydy
NFC West: Seattle will win the War of the Average.
NFC North: Green Bay
Was surprised to see their 11-6 prediction for P*ts. Seems a bit high.
I had a feeling this would happen in the first quarter. CJ Stroud just seemed off. I know its hard to write off a player in less than a game (a freshman no less), but right now, it seems the lights are just a bit too bright for him.
..of course, if Minnesota doesn’t want to win the game…
Evening lizard people. No smarf tarf?
Fields over Mac Jones, right?
yes
FACK YOU!
THATS THE NEXT TAWM BRADY RIGHT THEAH!
Let’s ask Peyton and Eli
USMNT kicking off WC qualifying against El Salvador on CBSSN.
.
All the cool kids are watching Mexico-Jamaica.
Those riot fences must be very comforting to see.
That’s what the Capitol Police thought on 6 January.
Are they upping it to 48 yet?
RB options left:
Melvin Gordon
Fournette
Zack Moss (who?)
Jamaal Williams
Sony Michel
Kenyon Drake
Michael Carter
Devin Singletary
(Michel off the board)
Fournette would be my first thought from that group.
Ended up taking Singletary and Fournette
Singletary or Jamaal
Yes, what he said.
Juju or deebo?
Deebo all day
Deebo. Or Judge Jeudy if available.
Ended up getting both
Have they announced whether Potato Smurf and Hitler Mice are gonna play tonight? Some of us are pondering the nods.
They’re playing right now! Pill up and enjoy.
shit, may need the “pills and coffee” combo platter
Just saw one of the rare tennis shots — the around-the-netpost. This one was maybe a foot off the ground at its highest, and landed for a winner.
Now we just need the obscure “legally reach over the net to hit a ball that’s already bounced on your side.”
Or the even more obscure “someone calls themselves for a double hit but their opponent points out that it was part of a single stroke so it’s fair play”.
I wanna see the “Michael Chang is really fucking tired and sore” underhand serve.
“I warned you about their underhanded tactics!” – Bill Parcells
Hippo, who is going to start at RB for your Broncs? Should we take Javante?
Yes. I hate him because of where he went to “school” but he’s good.
We couldn’t score in a Honduran whorehouse on Alfonso Davies salary.
DangeRuss or Rodgers?
Russ b/c keeper value
Didn’t have a choice, he went two picks before.
Thoughts on Herbert in the 4th?
I’d prefer A.A. Ron, or even DAK!
Gone already
Think I’d load up on WR then.
Moot, Herbert taken.
We kept 4 WR
what be your RB options? Any part of the Ratbirds carnival?
Dude is good.
Ignore hippo, though. Dak will be broken by week 7 and hauled off on a wheelchair. It’s a fact, jack.
Kelce and Mixon are my first two picks (keeper league)
Solid work. Beatie has a good floor, that gives you a baseline.
Nawt Fayuh that Minnesota’s Mohamed Ibrahim has the power of two Abrahamic religions in his name.
Is his middle name Jesus?
I think it is also Mohamed!
Let’s see it’s… L. Ron!? Oh no.
Took Kelce
Any Chief you get is worth his weight in gold. Congrats on stepping up to the big time, kid.
Oh a penalty for us, this game is so CONCACAF
USF had 2 #4s on the kickoff team, which is apparently an “Illegal Equipment” JV BLEERGH
Conversely, I’ve had 4 #2’s today, and I’m not even taking the Ivermectin.
DEUX DEUX DEUX!!!! — Chris Berman
Oh another scenario I’m debating: Ekeler, Zeke, or Saquon?
Ekeler
Seconded. PPR?
It irritates the shit out of me (and the Dr. Mrs.) that they are referring to what Djokovic is trying to do as a “calendar year grand slam”. It should just be a regular grand slam! The qualifier makes it sound like a lesser feat, which is the exact opposite of reality.
A regular Grand Slam is winning all four in their career. A calendar year Grand Slam is winning them all in the same year. The qualifier actually is meant to denote the specialness of the feat.
It sounds like it isn’t, but it is.
Winning them all in your career is a “career grand slam”.
Winning all four in a row is a [qualifier] grand slam. Wraparound grand slam? But all four in the same year is just a pure “grand slam”. You don’t call a royal flush an “ace high straight flush”. Lesser feats are the ones that get the qualifiers.
Then there is no such thing as a regular Grand Slam.
Wikipedia agrees!
“All Grand Slams Matter” — Andy Reid, perusing the menu at Denny’s
Holding all four titles at any time should be called a grand slam, period. No point differentiating them.
So I agree.
No, Tiger’s was the Asshole Slam.
I hear it referred to as a Tiger Slam now, which would be even worse it someone else did it.
Haha! I know the feeling angry Canadian soccer man.
https://twitter.com/24thminute/status/1433595488457138181?s=20
After five sets, Jack Sock is probably soaked.
We are interested – BYU students
Gonna be stiff as a board tomorrow.
Who cums here for this type of joke?
New bleep just made it onto Rod and Todd’s radar…
https://www.rawstory.com/bob-enyart/?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter
You know, the bleeps?
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NGPHFNR5Gms
He seems nice. Damn shame.
Hardcore Evangelical Christians: “Why do so many people dislike us?”
All of us: (pointing at guys like this)
Why is draft kings so high on Saquon, and they’re wrong, right?
No idea, and YES
I kept C-EH instead. Really should have just passed completely.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. I feel better now. (I do not)
did not-Canadia make a soccer point?
CONCACAF game at its finest.
Found a funny;
A glory hole but for petting dogs 🐕
“That better be a weiner dog I’m touching!”
Sure seems happy to see ya!
Well, he just slobbered all over my hand…
https://twitter.com/BarneyBlather/status/1433588486267981828?s=20
Hopefully one of the patients is the asshole who gave the green light to spam the NC State UCF game with that awful applebees commercial.
Update, commercial played again, fifth time and it’s only the second quarter. Time to mute the tv and listen to Spotify
I’ve been watching ESPN+ and they play it every. Goddamn. Commercial break. It’s fucking infuriating.
Keeper draft starts in less than an hour, you all want to be on call for terrible advice?
you know it!
If I have to choose between Kelce and Zeke to start…Kelce, right?
yep
further, I am low on Zeke in general – lots of miles on him, and Horatio’s preview of the N-GCp OL compounds the issues.
Oh, hard yes.
Zeke is going to suffer under Dallas’ less-than-usual-Dallas o-line.
I think this is the year that Isaac Bruce declines, which means it’s time to jump on Tory Holt as his replacement.
Bam is one Grown Ass Man!
His son, Deuce, couldn’t handle having a famous father and eventually became a gigalo, both here and in Europe.
Gus just said 7-nil on air, he is in the Clubhouse and speaking Hippo!!!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha what a stupid asshole.
https://twitter.com/RonFilipkowski/status/1433256580389163008?s=20
Consequences, actions, etc.
She needs to understand that marrying a white guy and getting her hair straightened doesn’t automatically change her skin tone.
I love reading takedowns of her over on The Root.
She’s just in it for the cash, and business has been good. It works for her because she gets money and the attention she so clearly craves, and conservatives get to say, “See? We’re not racist! We got a black chick on our side!”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9msRx8TDNAQ
Am I crazy for remembering this speech (or at least something similar) being delivered by Walton Goggins’ character?
Fuzzy here. Maybe in Hateful Eight?
I think Goggins does something like that in the movie as well. All while threatening to castrate him with a hot knife, if I remember correctly.
I like to play “Grifter or True Believer” with right-wing media figures. Owens does seem like she’s in the former category.
Without question. There are really very few true believers in the high-profile public eye of the right wing. Nearly all of them are in it for the payday.
I figure Stephen Miller really is a loathsome asshole who genuinely hates immigrants.
100%
He’s one of the exceptions. That’s a dude with a heart just full of hate.
Minnesoter football headsets sponsored by what appears to be Cub Foods. Forget about veganism, they haven’t even heard of pork up there yet.
Must not swear obscenities at teevee. Must not swear SCORE A FUCKING GOAL FOR FUCK SAKES!!!
5 seconds into the season, and I still don’t know what Targeting is.
I didn’t know you were a college ref.
Also, our left tackle could be a Top Ten pick. He’s an absolute athletic freak.
Of course I work overtime on Ohio State’s first game.
You’re stripping now, rite??
Just as a hobby
what they all say until they gets a taste!
First one is free then you are payin.
Sounds like WNY is about to get the St. Louis RRRRRRRRRAM IT!! treatment.
I don’t know what you jamokes are watching, but in this house we are watching Coastal Carolina vs. Citadel on ESPN+.*
Also, Locast bit the dust. So no more local channels streamed for now. Hmmm, how to watch NFL?
*That’s just because I haven’t gotten around to getting a login from a cable subscriber. Looks like even at 42 I’m gonna be using my mom’s cable subscription!
I mean, if she is already paying for the service, then living in her basement should entitle you to such things.
It’s gonna be weird sneaking my wife and daughter into my mom’s basement.*
*She lives in Houston. There is no basement. There is only mud.
As a geologist, I hated living in Houston. Mud and sand. BOR-ing. The nearest actual rock was in Austin. But it did make it easy to drill wells.
#7 is the guy to watch for the Wolven Sort. Zonovan “Bam” Knight, who will deffo play on Sundays.
Also ppl are writing scripts in python and other code that spams the abortion snitch website in texas with fake snitch reports
which is ROCKING!!!
I saw a tweet somewhere that said that the roads and highways in Texas were helping facilitate the implementation of abortions, so a lawsuit against TX Dept of Hwys and TX Dept of Transportation should be brought immediately.
Texas Power Company: “Don’t blame us, we tried to kill everyone last winter and prevent all these abortions.”
Texas Power Companies: We’re In Favor Of Everyone Dying!
Ditto, Rush!
—Greg Abattoir
Gotta love it.
Snitches get (digital) stitches.
I sent them a fake snitch report myself. Paging Dr. Chucklefuck!
LOL
This is HippoSpawn’s first game attended as a student. Nobody cough on her, dagnabit!!
Lovely.
It’s a nice, medium-sized stadium. Mostly friendly, too. Unless we is playing U*NC.
Night games are the tits. Folks get super happy drunk.
I’m no geologist, but how does a hurricane go from Louisiana one day to Neeeuw York City the next? And I don’t wanna talk to a scientist
I am not a scientist, but I have lab coats with my name on them at work.
I mean, how does anyone get to Broadway? Practice!
This guy gets it!
I AM a geologist, and I don’t know the answer to your question. Maybe a meteorologist can help.
Why would one of them know any different, aren’t meteors just big rocks? smhdsh
UPDATE – Stupid weather is stupid.
Wolven Sort alumnus/Tits legend Stephen Tulloch seems like a righteous dude.
Hippo your favoUrite USMNT is playing tonight! So is your hat and we are starting the best side we HAVE EVER HAD!!!
I AM WATCHING NC STATE YEEWWWWW PHILISTINE
I am Scottish not Philistino.