Your Monday Night Football Open Thread

Did you catch that amazing one-hander by Danny Dimes? Probably the 2nd-best ever by a Giant-the only one better was Jason Seahorn snagging a prime Angie Harmon. Nobody gonna top that.

Fallout:

-Finally, some positive news out of Chi Town! Coach Nagy got himself the #NuAids. If he’s not able to go next week the STC will give it a try. His name? That’s right, Peter Pumpkinhead.

-More blessings for lousy teams/players come in the form of an injury to Zach Wilson. Seriously, I think all these rookie/soph qb’s that are struggling need to have a sit for at least a week. Most will be fine, I just think the learning curve is too great for most of them. Doesn’t help that they have to deal with blitz packages up the ying yang while learning the basics.

-Ertz seems to like his new surroundings in Arizonny, saying something about ‘the grass is so much greener, though there is a distinct lack of batteries here’.

-The Bucs are going to cruise the rest of the way. Aside from the Bills, every other team on the sked has a losing record. Yay!

-Now here’s team that is going to have to earn it. Cincy has the Browns twice, the Raiders, the Chargers, and the Ravens again. Pitt is in there as well and although shitty, you can’t look past a divisional foe.

-Maybe Pitts is special? He’s the first rookie te to have back-to-back 100 yard games since the year of our Rozelle, 1970.

To The Game!

Saints/Seahawks:

-New Orleans’ wr corps has been found, umm, wanting. It says something that Payton is ruing the loss of special teamer/5th option Deonte Harris and looking forward to the return of the very average Tre’Quan Smith.

-I feel sorry for all those folks out there with Metcalf and Lockett. Those Geno-centric reasons why you’ve had to lower your expectations? They aren’t low enough.

-If you don’t follow Seattle but are aware that their D stinks, let me toss a number at you. Prior to last week they gave up 450+ yards four weeks in a row. Last week there were some signs of improvement though. They surrendered a mere 345 to the one-dimensional Steelers attack.

Let’s do this!

 

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Gumbygirl

Here’s something to keep in mind, just in case.

47ca2f255adebf6d0239e7b0dbe6aff44ab7546e835cc59435eb58403896d6c7_1.jpg.jpg
clint greasewood

Safe to say Charmslinger job is secured.

Horatio Cornblower

Drew Brees really brings the personality to these things, doesn’t he?

Gumbygirl

He is a total stiff.

JimU

Can the Seahawks take the safety and then try to recover an onside kick on the ensuing free kick?

Mr. Ayo

Better odds than what they did.

Redshirt

The Bengals tried that some years ago. I didn’t see it, but the Bengals Radio Guys sounded like they were laughing and crying at the seeing the punter attempt to Onside Punt.

Mr. Ayo

4th and 28?

NFL BLITZ!

Senor Weaselo

4th and 28? BLITZ!

Mr. Ayo

Left way too much time for, um, Geno?

JimU

To get sacked multiple times?

Senor Weaselo

TOO MUCH TIME. For Geno to probably throw a pick.

Mr. Ayo

Or just get repeatedly sacked like a fucking loser.

Horatio Cornblower

This game belongs on Thursday night.

Sharkbait

This game belongs in the pre-season

Horatio Cornblower

This game belongs in a flaming dumpster outside of an abortion clinic, if we’re being honest.

Oh, sorry Mrs. Hasselbeck, didn’t see you there.

Sharkbait

If this game was a fetus, Mrs. Hasselbeck would even abort it.

Senor Weaselo

This game is also worth 10 grand in Texas.

Recovery Whiskey

Lord

Brocky

comment image

Mr. Ayo

WTF 99.

Sharkbait

Come on tie!

Mr. Ayo

New balls search term.

Mr. Ayo

Fuck you BLEERGH. Whistle him down if you don’t want those hits.

Mr. Ayo

What kind of wacko gives away a free car to a coworker?

Such a deeply weird company.

Sharkbait

Was just talking about that to Mrs. Sharkbait. They’ll give away a car but pay their employees jack shit.

Horatio Cornblower

C’mon, man: if they paid their employees they couldn’t afford to give away one (1) free car a year.

Doktor Zymm

And who paid the taxes on it?

Mr. Ayo

So the winner has to pay. Then the coworker would also have to pay to register the car.

So the idiots probably combined to both pay taxes on a new car.

Redshirt

Correct. Its considered income. Much like if you win decently big at the casino or in lottery. Also, its the same for the people who win prices in game shows.

What Happens When You Win a Car on ‘The Price Is Right’? (distractify.com)

Mr. Ayo

Nailed It!

–B. Walsh

Brocky

So a friend invited me to a halloween bonfire. It was cold as hell today, so I remembered a piece of wisdom about how those zip up onesies are good for inclement weather

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Don’t judge me. It was only $35 and i’ve never seen this particular one before

Last edited 3 years ago by Brocky
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Does SHE come with the costume?”
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JimU

Oh you!

JimU

Sexy Gizmo!

Brocky

Fun fact, this was seemingly the only costume featuring a female model which didn’t show gratuitous amounts of leg.

As a 30 something year old Male shopping alone in a costume shop, I kept expecting to turn the corner and see matt gaetz or something

Redshirt

I may as well enjoy this week, just in case they lay an egg in New York Adjacent.

afa26f93-dc12-45d2-a84d-dfa22238ed84-knec211025.jpg (660×495) (gannett-cdn.com)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The Seattle running back with the dreads runs into his lineman on basically every other play. It’s like a Predator and George of the Jungle had a baby.

Last edited 3 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Sharkbait

The Buttfumble is the godfather in this scenario.

Recovery Whiskey

Sudden Change, Eli

Mr. Ayo

SUDDEN CHANGE!!!

herodotus450

Peyton calling it “man to man” while talking to Sue Bird… no very espn-itically correct of him.

Recovery Whiskey

Sue countered with “Bobby Wagner coming in hard.”

Horatio Cornblower

Also misquoting the go-to line from The Outsiders. It’s “Stay gold, Pony-boy“, not “Stay gold, Johnny”, and I know this because my daughter is more committed to that movie and book than literally anything else. I told her about his error and her reply was “football is for nerds”

Recovery Whiskey

East Coast Narratives like East Coast Players.

litre_cola

My taek on Matt Hasselbeck ring of honour.
Buffalo : Don Beebee
New England : Scott Zolak
NYJ : Rich Kotite
Miami: Pennington

Cleveland : The douchebag qb from Notre Dame
Baltimore : The guy who took the fall for Ray Lewis
Cinci: Akili Smith
Pittsburgh: Bubby Brister

SD: The Chicken
Denver: Tebow of course
Raiders: Tuasopopo
KC Jeremy Maclin

Tennesee: Buddy Ryan
Jacsonville: Fuck Tony Khan sign
There is no team in Houston
Indy: Mike Vanderjagt.

Philly: Kevin Kolb
Cowboys: The Italian backup guy
NYG: Jared Lorenzen
WFT: RGIII

GB: Mark Chmura
Det Ty Detmer
Chicago: Cutler
Minny: Ragnar

Sea Hasselbeck obv
SF: Ty Detmer
Arizona Seth Joyner
Rammit: Vince Ferragamo

TB: Blaine Gabbert
Atl: The dude that went with the hooker sb eve.
Saints: Dez Bryant
Carolina: Rae Carruth.

Brocky

Cutler but unironically. He deserved better

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yeah if we’re going Hasselbeckian it’s Jim Miller or Mike Tomczak

Recovery Whiskey

Cutler is #1 total Bears passing yards and its not close.

Horatio Cornblower

Philly should be Vince Papale, but Mark Whalberg shows up for the ceremony.

Last edited 3 years ago by Horatio Cornblower
Redshirt

I’ll accept the Akili Smith pick, but I could think of others more “worthy” than Akili. He had a poor work ethic, but he was also screwed by the agent and poor coaching.

litre_cola

Ex Calgary Stampeder!

NotShogunButShogun

Dan Devine’s dog for packers

Recovery Whiskey

Hasselbeck had almost 30,000 passing for Seattle. Maybe its not Troy Aikman but we like our Above Averages here. Any review of Seattle sports team history (Soccer not included) would quickly show why.

Senor Weaselo

Also on the list obviously, Harold Baines.

JimU

Kickers! Am I right?

Horatio Cornblower

My wife is leaving me for a week tomorrow, heading to Vegas and California for a wedding and family visit. I have to “work” and cannot go.

Nonetheless, this is going to be my first time living by my big boy self since I had my own apartment in law school for about a month before she moved in. No wife, no kids, just me, a cat, a dog, my extremely limited cooking skills, and a gas stove.

This…will not end well.

Redshirt

I remembered when I was in my mid-20s and out of college living at home so I could pay down my Student Loans before I move out. My entire family left for a weeklong Christian Rock Festival, so I had the whole house to myself.

They may’ve been closer to God, but I was closer to Heaven.

Recovery Whiskey

Sounds like a staycation to me!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I recommend pre-scheduling a cleaning service for the day prior to her return

Horatio Cornblower

I just told her “I’m telling you now, this place is going to be a goddamn disaster when you get back.”

litre_cola

I would pay good money for a free week.

Horatio Cornblower

Hang in there 18-23 more years.

Gumbygirl

Many years ago, I went home for my sister’s wedding and left Gumby alone for a week. The house was suspiciously clean when I came back. That was his plan to distract me from the fact that he and his asshole navy buddies had broken every chair in the house drunk wrasslin’.

Redshirt

What would you have said years ago if I told you that Peyton and Eli Manning would be the best part of Monday Night Football?

Fronkenshteen

Why does the Addams Family have such staying power in Hollywood? Fucking show wasn’t even funny.

Redshirt

They did it in the 1990s when everything was being remade or tossed at the wall. The 1990s had great actors and was well written, especially Raul Julia and Christina Ricci. Everyone else is trying to recapture that magic.

Mr. Ayo

Nailed It!

— B. Walsh

Redshirt

I turned into Manning Night Football only to hear how Peyton had specific instructions for the Equpment Staff on how to handle his balls.

Don T

After Brady leaves #Obviously

Horatio Cornblower

Isn’t that how he got in trouble at Tennessee?

Mr. Ayo

Geno sucks!

Horatio Cornblower

UCONN TWITTER ASSEMB….Oh, Geno Smith. Yeah, you’re right. Carry on.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Notice how that neither Eli nor Peyton mentions Elizabeth Hasselbeck? It’s because one of their wives (won’t say which) had a miscarriage and Elizabeth showed up at their house with picketers insisting that it was basically the same as an abortion and she was now going to hell.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wow. I was totally making that up but it’s actually a lot more plausible than I realized:

https://variety.com/2019/tv/news/elisabeth-hasselbeck-quit-the-view-listen-fight-barbara-walters-audio-1203180312/

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ha, I posted something below about her before reading your comment.

Horatio Cornblower

You are making that up.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If I wasn’t banned for life from r/nfl I’d totally post that on the game thread and try to get it some legs.

Redshirt

Did you try a new email and new name? That’s my plan if I ever get Banhammered out of the Clubhouse.

Horatio Cornblower

Hey, this “Mauveshirt” guy seems sort of familiar.

Gumbygirl

“Notredshirt.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Sill?

Horatio Cornblower

I was pretty sure you were kidding, but she’s such a twat I couldn’t rule it out.

Also, isn’t she married to Tim, Matt’s somehow-less-talented brother?

Recovery Whiskey

Make an alt like everyone else has to.

Sharkbait

Holy shit for real??

Redshirt

No Republican is that ev…

No Republican would be that heartle…

…plausible.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I love that Eli doesn’t even bother to shave for this.

ballsofsteelandfury

Eli is delightful

Game Time Decision

Congratulations Matt on being in the Seattle Ring of Honour. You were my favourite coach.

-Trent Green

Horatio Cornblower

I’m sure Matt Hasselbeck is a decent guy, nice family man and all, but if he is in your team’s Ring of Honor then your team should not have a Ring of Honor.

litre_cola

Kevin Kolb is waiting for the call from Jeffrey Lurie.

Don T

He’s more of a Nook of Notables guy. It’s on the second floor, by the smoothie stand.

Recovery Whiskey

Just checking, does DFW airport E gate still have that store that had big giant displays of Aikman, Irvin and Smith … I last saw in 2018 it was still there.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Fuck that guy and his sister-in-law with a rusty dildo