Congratulations on surviving another gluttinous holiday.  We will speak softly out of respect for the massively hungover.

The Shield paired the traditional No-Fuck Lions with the Bearistocrats! this season.  You might expect hilarity to ensue, and the participants did NOT disappoint.  The game was close throughout, a fact overshadowed by its sheer wretchedness.  Get Swifty got hurt in Q1, causing wailing and gnashing of fantasy teeth.  Somehow, Chi****’s defense could barely lay a glove on Baby Buster.  Still, Buster being Buster, they could manage only 14 points – which was enough to hold a slender lead with 8 and change to play.

Then…Red Rocket trudged verrrryyyyy slowly down the pitch, burning almost all of the clock in the process.  In fact, it turnout to be ALL of the clock instead, as the Detroit sideline fucked up and called consecutive timeouts.  The refs are supposed to ignore this, but if they don’t – and they didn’t – it’s a 5-yard peanlty (which is what they were foolishly trying to prevent, for too many men on the pitch) AND you lose the timeout.  With the clock already stopped.  They’d be confused again later on goal to go, to nobody’s surprise.  But even the Bearistocrats couldn’t fuck this one up, taking a knee and kicking the winning chip shot.  16-14.

Stripper-Bowl in Texas?  Beautiful performance art, so long as you don’t support either team, I suppose.  Back and forth wackiness and misfires from both teams, although Vegas led almost the entire way.  But Zeuerlen’s 46-yarder (an answer to Carlson from 56 about 100 seconds prior) meant we’d need Extra Time, at 33 apiece.  I was mostly busy detroying the Clubhouse terlet, but I kept track anyway.  It was something else, fo sho.

Dak! played poorly, yet threw for almost 4 bills.  Somehow, both these things are true.  Most notably, he was able to do absolutely nothing with his OT possession, though a crucial special teams BLEERGH on the kickoff return put them in a hole.  A fantastic punt made up for things a bit, but it didn’t make the Non-Gendereds’ defense start covering dudes.  Seriously, the punters were great in this one – just overshadowed by the clear MVP, an ever-present BLEERGH.  Vegas lined up for the winning placement, but were flagged for a false start.  Now it’s getting into…plausible miss territory.  But Dallas was all like CHALLENGE ACCEPTED and got flagged TWICE in a row.  Making THREE consecutive penalties in FG formation, something I don’t recall ever seeing before.  That last flag made it 1st down, but Vegas kicked anyway for the 36-33.  Total points?  NOOOOOIIIIIICCCCE.

I have less to say about the nightcap, which looked much more like actual FITBAW – except nobody told the Saints offense there was a game, apparently.  It ended 31-6 Buffalo, and easily could have been worse.  Monkey Trev was a wayyyyyyy bigger “turd out there” than even Baby Buster.  Not that his receivers did him any favoUrs.  I was hoping Payton would give us “Concussed Mormon-based Triple Option” in the 2nd half, but was disappointed.

So, you are left with JV ball today, but with quite a few appealing options.

Boise State (+3) at San Diego State (Noon, CBS)

Nothing says “we care about the matchday support and the student athletes” like a 9:00 am local kickoff!  Too bad it’s not in Boise, with like a foot of snow.  JV BOLTMEN! look to finish off what has quietly been a very nice season.

Kansas State (+3) at Texas (Noon, Fox)

Look, you are only flipping here to point and laugh at Steerfuckers South.  Hippo approves!  How the fuck are they favoUred?  This lot has 100% thrown in the towel.

Iowa (+1) at Nebraska (1:30, BTN)

Wow, 9-2 Team Cornpone a slight dog against 3-8 “sorry, we are too broke to fire Scott Frost” Cornfuckers.  SO MUCH CORN.  Another point and laugh special.

Missouri (+14.5) at Arkansas (3:30, CBS)

Things start to get interesting now.  I sense a potential upset, and put $20 on Mizzou at like +445.  Watch Pig Sooey win by like 50.

Cincinnati (+14) at East Carolina (3:30, ABC)

Oldest HippoSpawn, an EZU senior, will be in attendance.  Out of solidarity (and a sense of inevitability, now that JV WKRP is in pole position to make the playoffs), I moneylined this one as well.  $50 at +420.  It could happen, certainly represents value.

U*NC (+6) at NC State (7:00, ESPN)

Oh, just fuck everything when those illiterate, drizzing liquid shits win and dance all over our home pitch.  I hope we at least start a goddamned riot.  This is the game where I focus all my rage on the teevee box, and ignore my electronical devices.  YES, I have a $50 jinx bet on the Holes (+200), but it could be $5,000 and I’d still want to lose it.  You just have no idea how deeply we hate these scum.

Washington State (-1) at Washington (8:00, FS1)

Don’t let the cutesy “Apple Cup” Derby name throw you off – these two squadrons/fanbases absolutely despise one another.  Wish this was on the Paloose with fun weather, but oh well.  Both these teams are without permanent management, due to Jimmy Lake being a racing dickhole (and an incompetent one, at that) and Nick Rolovich being a….critical thinker in a state with vaccine mandates.  Wazzu have been shit hot after their first Rolo-less fixture, and somehow win the PAC-12 North – at 7-5 – with a win tonight and a Niiiiiicccccce Beaver win tomorrow in the Civil War (MUCH better Derby name).  And NO – Hippo will NEVAR get tired of that Wazzu banner pic.