Hello there fellow DFO’er.  Hope you’re well today.  And thanks for coming back to see last weeks comments of the week as decided by my brain.  There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t.   

So, we made it through the regular season, And I can only think of a few games moved, which is a good thing I guess. I would have expected moar games but somehow the NFL managed to avoid it.  Prob due to moneys and scheduling and greed but whatever.  I did like that so many divisional games were yesterday, it made watching most of the games interesting as most of them had playoff implications.  Thanks Obama.  Figures that I miss the crazy of the Sunday night game.  I seem to miss all the bananacakes games and only get the unflavoUred ice milk ones.

As a reminder, this post will cover comments made up to and through the Saturday Night Open Thread. Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post. Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.

Without further ado, here are the comments of the week. 

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Just checked our league. Ja’marr Chase was on someone’s bench. On a team that wasn’t even playing for a consolation spot.

As commissioner I am justified in declaring something like prima nocte and giving those points to my team, right?
Horatio Cornblower

You know who didn’t bench JA’MARR! and is about to win the DFO league?

THIS GUY.

(who completely shat the bed in money leagues)
SonOfSpam

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[removes over-sized shoes before stepping to podium]

https://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/32981980/coach-joe-judge-professes-faith-new-york-giants-foundation-record-aint-some-clown-show-organization
scotchnaut

The Giants organization (artist’s conception):

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Harris made up nearly 30 points today, meaning that I would have won with a couple of different, if definitely questionable roster adjustments.

Hello, my name is Brocky, and I hate fantasy football.
Horatio Cornblower

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3 gigs in 2 days means I can finally get out of the worst kind of pants, suit pants. Sweet legged freedom!
Senor Weaselo

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I’d cry too if I was walking away from a career that allowed me to avoid pretty much any consequences for my actions, so I get where Ben’s coming from.
Horatio Cornblower

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I do enjoy ELi busting Peyton’s balls.
litre_cola

Well, they’re right there dangling over his head.
scotchnaut

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The thing about that Matt Damon commercial that bugs me the most is that nobody fucking says fortune favours the brave. FORTUNE FAVOURS THE BOLD.
hippofant

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Producer: “How do you feel about trying to humanize the worst person ever?”

Eli: “The Devil?”

Peyton: “A ‘run-first’ coach?”

Producer: “Close. Roger Goodell.”

Eli/Peyton: [look at each other, shake heads vigorously] “No. No. No.”

Producer: “He’ll cancel your show if you don’t.”

Eli: “Ah, man!”

Producer: “What’s the matter?”

Eli: “My Jenga tower just fell over!”
scotchnaut

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Roger Goodell is on Manning Night Football. This is not a drill.
Redshirt

“And this is not a drill.” – scotchnaut, realizing he mistakenly grabbed a staple gun when headed out “hunting”
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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The WFT making the announcement after the railing collapse and fans claiming they weren’t offered medical assistance is:

A) Sus
B) On point
C) Yes.
Sharkbait

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Seems like a quiet night around here. Per Rev’s lead in here, just a reminder that if you’re battling depression or feeling / thinking things that you’re overwhelmed by or afraid to talk about, the DFO clubhouse is here for you. We may not put pants on for you, but we’ll put on our listening ears.

Seriously, though, rant here or DM any of us if you need someone to talk to. It’s totally normal to feel down, sometimes REALLY down, and there’s no judgment if you need to vent/talk/cry/bleat/kvetch to an internet stranger.
BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Random Jeopardy Contestant: I’ll take “Colors in Sports” for $2000, QAaron

QAaron: “And the next day it’s even grayer!”

Random Jeopardy Contestant: “Who are the Winnipeg Blue Bombers the day after winning the Grey Cup?”

QAaron: Sorry, that was grayer not greyer — we were looking for ESPN talking heads still fellating the Ben after his last home game.
Downfield Matriculator

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I don’t care why/how holiday, I care no work.

Also, unless the Football Team remains the Football Team, whatever miniscule shreds of allegiance I have left will get dumped into the closest Superfund site. All of those names are fuckin’ awful, and the fact that they aren’t even considering the Red Tails is a travesty. I deem the unofficial team nickname the Snyder Syphilitic Chancres and leave it at that. There will be no RFK 2 in DC, and I sure as hell hope MD has better sense than to give them a new stadium. Banish those fucks to Woodbridge, VA or some shit.
Doktor Zymm

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If you start accepting the views of your in-laws I will have to fly over there and kick the everliving shit out of you b
[from jjfozz’s New Year’s Resolutions post]
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I like to imagine this comment was cut off in the middle because @bfc left the room to go pack a bag.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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“Holiday in Cambodia-IT WOULD BE SO NICE!”

-your favorite Dead Kennedys/Madonna mashup
scotchnaut

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Let us all take a brief mosey over to the world of tennis, where Novak Djokovic will NAWT be playing in the Australian Open, as Australia has declined to let his unvaccinated buttocks (and the rest of his unvaccinated body) into the country!
Doktor Zymm

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Started my day pissed off about Novak Djokovic getting an exemption to play at the Australian Open, finishing it delighted that the Australian Border Police denied his unvaccinated ass a visa. Guess he forgot to bring his note from Joe Rogan or whoever.
Dunstan

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But how is mercury in a sandwich? [ from from Maestros’ David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Info Pamphlet 1: How To Become Immortal Through Using Mercury post]

These important questions will be answered next year, when Maestro exposes McDonald’s Hamburger University!
Horatio Cornblower

A thermometer is a sandwich where the mercury is the meat.
BrettFavresColonoscopy

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HOLY FUCK I NEEDED THIS LAUGH TODAY.

Already looking forward to the rest of this series [ Maestros’ David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College]
/Tries to remember chemistry class and the periodic table from school to guess what’s next.
Game Time Decision

Bologium of course.
WCS

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If I ever do porn, I think I’ll adopt Deep Six as my porn name.
ballsofsteelandfury

Knowing you ‘On Your Six’ seems more appropriate.
Horatio Cornblower(

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Well written. From afar I could belive it was happening but was aghast at the ease these morans did this bullshit.

The recent thing from your compassionate folk vs cultists that has really bothered me and I knew it was coming was that murderer Rittenhouse. First, There is no way that cunt should have gotten off. He did. That judge is legit the shadiest mother fucker I have ever seen. The fact that this murderer is being paraded around by the GOP is appalling. HE FUCKING COLD BLOODED KILLED PEOPLE!!! Fuck.
Time to smoke some weed.

*I live in the Texas of Canada and our provincial government is a clown show of grifters that will grift until they can’t grift anymore.

**Federally the right is aligning themselves more and more with the GOP and you see the fuckhead antimasskers, feedumbers, having their voices heard and it sickens me.

Now, back to the weed.
litre_cola

On behalf of the decent part of the US, I apologize that our right-wing trash is wafting its stink over your borders.
Doktor Zymm

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Hey. I love you guys.

I just wanted to stop in and real quick assure you I’m ok. I suffer from bipolar/depression for which I AM medicated, and I assure you I’m on my meds. To the dose. There are, however, times when the disease rips straight through the medicine leaving you as helpless as if you hadn’t taken a pill in a month. My situation is compounded by the fact that I also suffer from crippling alcoholism exacerbated by the current conditions of my life.

I lost my driver’s license, and therefore my livelihood, due to an accident in June where I passed out behind the wheel. It was due to an increase in my high-blood pressure medication which, ironically, made me lightheaded due to the fact that I had temporarily QUIT drinking. No one was injured, including myself. However, I need doctors reports to get cleared by the DMV, and I’m having one hell of a time getting the Veterans Administration physicians to get the report squared away, and to get the report sent.

Not providing income for my family, no matter how meager compared to my wife’s salary, has made me feel useless and worthless. Those feelings fed into my boozing, and so I bottomed out. I’m isolated here. I have distant friends, and a family I can’t confide in. I’m talking my Mom, Dad, and brothers.

I was feeling too dismal to soil an Open Thread with my bullshit, so I posted to Twitter, not immediately realizing some of you guys know who I am there.

You guys rode in like the cavalry though, and I’m touched in such a way by that that my tears are hitting the screen as I type this. Door Flies Open is the single greatest community of friends I will ever know, and I couldn’t be more thankful for you. One of these days I’ll get my shit together enough to help post content. That’s my goal.

I love you guys more than anything. And thank you all so much for looking after a shit head like me.

Love, Mo (Fronkenshteen)
Fronkenshteen

My son lost his battle with bipolar depression almost 12 years ago. Nothing has ever, nor will ever, be the same. Please take care of yourself, stay on your meds,and holler for help the second you start to feel that way. You are worth every breath you have left on this planet, believe it.
Gumbygirl

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Me: “I’ll never get fooled into buying something that’s in a fancy bottle again!”

Also Me: [sees bottle of Zirkova vodka] “Oh, that bottle is sooo cool! [takes out wallet]

Me: [takes sip of vodka] “Goddamnit, this sucks!”
scotchnaut

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At 0000 hours on 01 January 2000, USS Topeka (SSN-754) crossed the intersection of the equator and International Date Line, placing the submarine simultaneously in two years, decades, centuries, millenniums, seasons and hemispheres.

Brick Meathook

I read that in this guy’s voice

Gumbygirl

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Wanted to share with Senor Weaselo and the rest of the Clubhouse – my oldest kid (the singer one) got into the Peabody School of Music (Johns Hopkins) for grad school. Think it’s a good fit, and she can take Amtrak to and from NC when she doesn’t want the driving stress.

Still has to formally audition in February, but the application/screening process was supposed to be the biggest hurdle. Huzzah!
King Hippo

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Mrs Cola : Do you want to come with me to Deci’s Ninjymnastics?
Me: No, I want to watch futbol
Mrs. Cola : What if we went to Wild Rose Brewery behind the gym while he was in there?
Me: I will put on my best pair of track pants, it’s a date.
litre_cola

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Week 18…that just sounds weird.

“Not to me.” – Rex Grossman, staring down the barrel of yet another paternity suit
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Found a funny;

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
rockingdog

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Since Elway (corpse of Manning excluded) the qbing foar the Donks has been…. very bad.

Keenum got a full season in 2018?!? I do NOT remember that.
litre_cola

“I do.”

— Trent Green, mowing his living room carpet
WCS

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As a middle aged white chick, if I just straight up start punching other middle aged white chicks in the face, what is the probability I have to go to court for that? Thinking of a trip to Katy, Texas. I can probably get away with it for longer if I wear sunglasses with the mask, yes?
Doktor Zymm

I daydream of that every time I go to Von’s. I figure, what the hell, I’m a 61 year old Navy wife who has never been arrested, what’s the worst that could happen? Maybe probation and anger management classes. And I’m a mean ole bitch, I could fuck a Karen up.
Gumbygirl

I smell some team action
Doktor Zymm

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Fiddling with a mai tai variation tonight. Two parts light rum, one part dark rum, two parts OJ, one part lemon juice, one part lime juice, splash of amaretto, splash of grenadine, some ginger. Needs to be sweeter but it’s a good start.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Pineapple juice?
Gumbygirl

The Dr. Mrs. made the same suggestion. You’re her favorite one. Don’t tell the others!
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This is one of my favoUrite jokes, don’t tell the others.
litre_cola

I won’t tell anyone if you just let me out of these woods!

Horatio Cornblower

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Turned on this game and immediately felt dirty. Going to shower.
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Translation: BFC got one look at the Min-stache and needs to jerk it.
SonOfSpam

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“There’s no stopping Amari Lamb.”

-Trent Green
scotchnaut

even though his fleece is white as snow – Trent Green, standing by the microwave in a puddle of his own urine
King Hippo

“Who mambo dogface in the banana patch?”
-Trent, in the same spot 20 minutes later
LemonJello

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Related to thread picture [Saturday night open thread with Brokeback Mountain non-gendered bovine peoples movie].

Redshirt

Even as a straight guy, the Chicago Pride parade is a blast
JimU

It’s the one time a year when bears bring happiness to Chicagoans
Dunstan

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My La Premiere PJs shrunk, but they still fit. It’s just that the pants are now highwaters, and the top is a 3/4 sleeve cutoff with a tiny pocket perching over my left boob, almost in my armpit. None of my other airline PJs have done this, so not sure if I should be impressed because they used raw cotton or whatever and expect me to have servants to handwash even my complementary clothing, or to harrumph because seriously, every goddamn thing is pre-shrunk nowadays, where do you even find cotton that shrinks?

Anyway, hanging out, with the bottom 4 inches of my calves exposed in a way that some dude in 1895 would no doubt find alluring.
Doktor Zymm

I, too, have trouble getting clothes to fit over my boobs.
Dunstan

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whatever happen to CC’s music factory??
King Hippo

Downsized and sent overseas.
WCS

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Nothing more appropriate than the Ben’s future being decided against his will [in the Sunday night LV vs LA game].
BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.

Stay busy and safe out there.

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