Good day, my civilized colleagues! I have just returned from a mission to Mauritania — since the legal system in that nation is very primitive (some might say tribal!), it was very easy to lay the groundwork for the development of an iron mine that will keep the British Empire’s railways going for decades! While in transit back to Rhodesia, I received a telegram informing me that the group stage of the AFCON had concluded. Let’s take a closer look at the remaining sides (put on your reading glasses!):

The Squad of Dishonest Men: Well, thanks to their trickery, it’s no surprise that these liars and thieves have managed to slide into the next round. I should hope that they advance further — they’ll need the tournament winnings to pay back all of the African footballing officials that they undoubtedly bribed to get here.

French Equatorial Africa (Gabonese Quarter): The (Black) Panthers of Gabon are still missing their broken-hearted captain, which means that they probably won’t last much longer. I’m sure that many of their players will dust off their original French passports once they realize this.

Nigeria Protectorate: Despite their uncivilized appearance, these fine British subjects are sure favourites to win now that the Fennec Foxes have been taxidermied. The scammers will surely need to improve their tactics in the later rounds — Cameroonian officials can only be paid off so many times!

Tatooine: While the sand people did have a scare earlier on in the tournament, Obi Wan Kenobi was indeed correct — they did return, and in greater numbers. Nevertheless, their primitive tactics will not stand a chance against the world’s greatest empire!

French Guinea: I will wager twelve guineas that this side will lose its match against the divine nation of GAMBLOR in this round. After all, it’s the French way!

The Divine Nation of GAMBLOR: See above.

The Indomitable LioUns: The étoiles continue to shine on the home side, who still have the home officials in their back pocket. Will they make it to the final in true corrupt African fashion? I asked my colleague Peter King what he thought, and his answer was MAYBE!

Cumorrah: The luck most certainly has run out for these magic-underwear-wearing islanders — critics of this side will surely be saying “where’s your messiah now” after their tilt with the home side. Perhaps they’ll be happy enough with having polygamy to fall back on?

French Senegal: Mané and his men are not to be trifled with from this point forward — this squad will be a tough test for the Green Capers. I will be on the edge of my blood-stained leather chez lounge watching that match.

Green Capers: While this tournament has demonstrated that Green Capers are delicious on their own, they will need to try a new recipe against the Senegalese. Perhaps some Atlantic salmon is in order?

Atlas LioUns: These spicy gentlemen are holding the entire weight of their home country’s expectations on their shoulders — let us hope that they don’t shrug! They probably have the toughest test of the remaining teams — read below for more!

NYASALAND: These lads actually did it! They made the round of 16! Given their good fortune of being colonially English, it must be their divine right to defeat all foes! Go on, gents!

Ivory Coast: Unless they would like me to further develop their Ivory trade, I couldn’t care less about these baguette-eaters. They will lose to the Sultanate of Egypt.

Sultanate of Egypt: As long as they follow the lessons of old blighty rather than those of their failed civilization, they will defeat the Ivorians. There is no doubt in my mind that Mo Salah is English — what other reason explains his footballing prowess?

Timbuktu Fightin’ Traores: Want to change your maiden name to Traore? Well, then Mali is the place for you! If they win the tournament, perhaps they can use the winnings to rebuild the entire country — clay buildings don’t exactly hold up very well to punishment!

Equatorial Guinea: They will lose to the Traores. Not worth writing any more.