Pro fitbaw ends in two weeks, after an incredible Divisional round and absorbing Championship games. This climaxing ascent ends in a freefall into nothing, and I mean
, leaving one hungry and forlorn. Like when two souls find love, but separate forever after one night of cavorting, flirting, and filth. This is also my pitch for a remake of “Old Yeller”.
Yes, it’s that time of the year when we have to look toward common banalities (family, the outdoors, health services…), because the lack of NFL games leaves an emptiness for which there is no substitute. And please: narcotics are a year-long commitment; enough with the calibration crap. All I know is NBC has the Owl this year, so maybe Collinsworth will make me break out the Seconal I’ve been saving in the freezer since ’17.
NFL NEWS
Going with the House Organ today; espen had two Steven A vids in the NFL landing page, which I take personal.
-Reported yesterday: Raiders hire Dave Ziegler as GM, Lyin’ Josh McDaniels as head coach. The item mentions the P*tr**t W*y and credits McDaniels with guiding White Mac “through an impressive rookie year”
To think that, sometime in the future, such #kontent will become revisionist history. But, anyway; it’s never too late to learn from one’s mistakes, which holds also for a chickenhearted careerist whose word means nothing (ditching the Clots HC job years back), and who got fired over videotaping after the P*tr**t W*y got caught for doing that.
-New Giants coach Brian Daboll will help Daniel Jones get better at… Everything. I wish well to Daboll and the Jints, for entertainment purposes. It’s the path of least resistance, as the JInts are in half of the NFC East’s 39 primer time games each year. In the article, Daboll is quoted as saying to Jones “hey, give me some things that you really like in your last three years”, upon which the QB broke down in PTSD tears.
-Bears hire new OC: Luke Getsy, formerly the Packers’ QB coach and “passing game coordinator”. I open the floor to what you think such coordination entails—I mean, you know, beyond Getsy leading the “Yes, Master” chorus in the QB Room Zooms.
-Not news, but worth noting: the Bengals did good on Redshirt’s peroration last Monday on what is not wrong with the current overtime rules: “IT’S CALLED DEFENSE YOU WHINING ASSHOLES.! ALL [the Bills] HAD TO DO WAS KEEP [the Chefs] OUT OF THE ENDZONE AND THEY’D GET THE BALL!”
-Zac Taylor says he had the “the best two years of my life” RAMMINNNG ITTT under Sean McVay (’17 and ’18). Taylor said of McVay: “He’s really showed a lot of us young guys you can do it your own way.” Sigh. Now I’m disarmed of any cynicism. Great.
-Rams open up as four point Owl favorites. My two FairCoins: the Cincy defense came alive back when the team was at its lowest point, on the last KC possession in the 2nd QRT. That’s a mentally tough unit. Plus, the Bengals have the best QB and kicker in the Owl. I’m not a Bengals fan, but (-4) feels like a slight.
-COUNTERPOINT: The city of Cincinnati is already feeling itself plenty, after the AFC Championship. Schools are cancelling classes for the day after the Owl, February 14.
I applaud the civic foresight; hell, even the tiger looks hungover. But too many typos for a school tweet. Consider yo’self finger-wagged, Falcon Social. Tut. Tut.
-Incidentally, Valentine’s Day falling on Mandatory Hangover Day is tricky by itself. The Bengals winning the Owl too really increases the cataclysmic potential.
-Someone asked me about the updated Pro Bowl rosters
SPROTS TONITE
All Times Central
Hockey! Hockey! Hockey!
Panthers @ Blue Jackets – 6:00
Edmonton @ Ottawa – 6:30
Anaheim @ Detroit – 6:30
Vancouver @ Chicago – 6:30
Devils @ Maple Leafs – 6:30
NCAA Women’s Basketball
Arkansas @ Tennessee – 6:00
Indiana @ Michigan – 6:00
Oklahoma State @ Iowa – 8:00
Pre-Madness Flotsam
Duke @ Notre Dame – 6:00
West Virginny @ Baylor – 8:00
January Jetsam
Pelicans @ Cavs – 6:00
Clippers @ Pacers – 6:00
Heat @ Celtics – 6:30
Kings @ Knicks – 6:30
Raptors @ Hawks – 6:30
Warriors @ Rockets – 7:00
Blazers @ Thunder – 7:00
The NFL season is the most fascinating banality in this pestilent realm we call “Now”, and all that remains is a very, very interesting Owl. To deaden the blow of the offseason, I already got out my old Onion books. I’ll share one article: “Gaywads, Dorkwads Sign Historic Wad Accord”:
“ROCKVILLE, MD—In a historic show of wad solidarity, delegates representing gaywads and dorkwads signed the first-ever Wad Alliance Treaty Monday in the cafeteria of Adlai Stevenson Memorial High School.”
Christ, what a lede! The pics are amazing too. There; now you can say you laughed reading this post.
[Checks to see if fishing for compliments worked]
I hate alla youse. As soon as Aging Narcissist approves my compensation plan, I’m outta here.
All gifs via giphy.com; banner pic from my cellphone; think the hour is Atlantic time for yesterday’s coin toss.
End of football season is a bleak lonely time, it mirrors my life. What the fuck am I gonna do? Watch basketball?
For the last three years I refused to watch the Super Bowl (Brady, Chiefs, Chiefs). So this year football season is two weeks longer for me, which is delightful!
How does failson Davis hire that fuckwit Josh McDaniels? McDaniels is not the answer (unless the question is “What would it look like if Lane Kiffin had an idiot twin brother separated from him at birth who was only slightly less successful at ruining a team and erasing a fanbase?). The mind reels, but with apologies to RTD, the Raiders can stick that commitment to excellence where the sun don’t shine.
Whatever his merits as a coach, I kind of think that what he did to the Colts (a franchise I don’t personally give a shit about) should disqualify him to most NFL owners.
Add in his not very impressive time in Denver, and the fact that Belichek’s disciples have been mostly unsuccessful, and I really don’t get it.
I am taking some comfort (reaching for solace?) in the fact that it’s been 12 years since then, which is 1/4 of his life. Hard to imagine he hasn’t learned a thing or two since then. And there’s a reason that the Colts tried so hard to get him.
Evening
Hiya!
H E L-L O!
‘sup?
So I recently reactivated my online dating profile, and I have to ask, what the fuck is up with women in their 40s who check “don’t know yet” on the “want kids” question. Biological clock issues aside, shouldn’t you have figured that shit out by now?
Did you check “fuck no, drown them all like rats” or “only for sex please”?
“Ooh, definitely the second one!” -Matt G., FL
I went with “braised, or possibly deep fried” — J. Swift
Wait wait wait. You did this without our input?
Please post all the answers to questions you filled out so we can help to edit them. You’ll never get a date if you have standards, and that is step one where people go wrong.
Well, I did mention that I regularly talk to imaginary friends who don’t wear pants.
Good start, but I think you need more in there about how loathsome pants actually are
“DON’T YOU HATE PANTS?” seems like it’s be a perfect opener for a dating profile, because it’s both a Simpsons reference and an honest statement about oneself.
Or underwear. You might not want to sit on my couch, BTW.
I would guess it means they’re willing to date guys who already have kids? I’ve always been in the ‘pregnancy sounds a lot like cancer’ camp myself
Yeah, if I’m being charitable that’s probably the explanation. Anyway, I haven’t made that an automatic “swipe left” thing yet.
It’s Chinese New Year, so Senorita Weaselo and I are watching her favorite childhood cartoon, a version of the Journey to the West story.
Sun Wukong (the monkey king) is OP on account of basically no-selling everything.
Also the entire thing is in Mandarin. There are no subtitles. It’s a very loose riff on our end.
Journey to the West Side Story? I love the Buttfumble dance number in that one!
Wow, I had blissfully forgotten how miserable Chicago is in winter. It’s not even cold tonight but the gross exhaust crusted snow brings it all back, yech
The main high school in Rockville, MD is Thomas Wootten, and apparently they had a problem with SE Asian gangs spilling over from Gaithersburg, although not really because it’s MoCo
Does no one listen to Michael Stipe’s advice?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zgh0y9vTgY&ab_channel=TheGargantuanSockTGS
Some really funny chit here Sir. Well done!
“Why would a cocking ring be that big?” — Brett Favre
Wouldn’t it be hilarious if the Patriots rehired Charlie Weis as their offensive coordinator?
He’s gotta be up to like 800 lbs now, right?
The Belichek Coaching Tree is more of a Coaching Cactus, isn’t it? It doesn’t reach very far and is full of pricks.
Let the “Dapper” Dave Ziegler era begin! Just look at that handsome man!
(indistinguishable British Isles brogue)
“Looks like a cunt”
His pasty complexion matches the logo!
So a friend just reminded me tonight of a goaltender who my family hosted for a bit when he was in junior hockey. Guy went on to have an interesting NHL stat line: 2 games, 1-1 record, 1.48 GAA, .941 SV%. Sort of a Moonlight Graham, because that was all the NHL action he saw.
Scotties update: undefeated New Brunswick taking on Saskatchewan, NB up 5-4 in the 9th with the hammer.
Winless Nunavit with a chance for its first win against Northern Ontario, which would be a big upset. Tied in the 9th, though the home rink has the hammer.
Actually, TSN now showing Nunavut as having last rock, so not sure what happened there. I’m watching live on the ESPN app but they haven’t gone to that match.
TSN lied, Northern Ontario had last rock, and pulled out the win. I guess you could say that when it came to losing, they were having Nunavut.
you are doing the MAPLE LAWD’s work, sending out the BC Dick signal
Like Brett Favre, I am a sort of mini-Dick
“My two FairCoins”
Is that what the DFO cryptocurrency is called?
Nope. But I did suggest FraudKoyne
That’s all of them.
NoPantsCoin?
(watching Return of the Jedi, thought of a funny)
(from Empire Strikes Back)
Ben: “That boy is our last hope.”
Yoda: “No, there is another.”
Ben: “Did you tell him that the Emperor can summon lightning from his fingers?”
Yoda: “No time there was.”
Ben: “Well, hopefully he won’t throw his lightsaber away if he’s facing him.”
Yoda: “Batshit insane, no one isn’t.”
I would watch teh hockey if it was MOAR pedantic. For example, the Jersey team should actually have to field a roster of devils, or at least daemons. Be fun to watch their sulfuric essences interact with the ice surface.
DFOCon East will (hopefully) involve a hockey game. Senor and I will convert you
The only thing more ridiculous would be also taking Senorita Weaselo. Taking her to a Yankee game involved a lot of explanation of what’s going on, and hockey probably more so.
A lot of mileage in ‘hell frozen over’ banter, even though the deepest circles of hell ARE frozen in Dante’s version
Just read that Cincinnati has the 4th most cap space going into the next League year. This window is just now creaking open (while KC’s starts closing, Buffalo at maybe the halfway point). All hail your new AFC overlords!
Normally, I’d be making a 2x Florida Marlins World Series Fire Sale Joke here, but judging by seeing and hearing Mike Brown yesterday, I’m convinced he’s may actually be Alzheimer’s and Dementia’d up and the Browns kids and Duke Tobin has taken over the team and they let him sit in his office and think he’s in charge.
It worked with Woodrow Wilson!
Just kidding about Brown, however I think the kids and Tobin has taken over. The man is 86 and his father died at 82. With some quick research, it looks like he did turn most day-to-day duties in ’09, which him ceding control led to the five consecutive playoff appearances. Also, them opening up the wallet for Hendrickson, Hilton and Bell was so out of the ordinary, I wasn’t the only fan to joke about Mike Brown dying.
I’m couldn’t see if Zac Taylor is involved like Marvin Lewis was, however based on the fact that he led a team to a Super Bowl and his franchise QB that rewrote the record book in two years, I’m pretty certain he’s at least asked for his opinion.
“But too many typos for a school tweet.”
Its Cincinnati Public Schools; its the appropriate number of typos. I went to a school district in the neighboring county, and their communication would’ve involved three typos, four misspelled words and every sentence would end with a preposition.
It’s not that bad if most of the students don’t even notice it.
Maybe it’s because I’m a goalie, but I love looking at gear setups and masks. This is a fantastic set.
https://twitter.com/NBCOlympics/status/1488198213358211072
I must also credit Frank Lampard for succeeding where I failed (multiple occasions) on Footy Manager – landing Dele Alli for some creativity in midfield.
Ah, you also have The Onion’s “Our Dumb Century” book? WELL DONE!
.
It must be Italian!