Thanks so much to TUDN for teaching me that descriptor for the Round of Sixteen. Because it’s not goddamned SWEET with Duke and especially U*NC participating.
Anyway, I might have tuned out, but I can still give the imaginarium my uneducated, semi-coherent thoughts on the matchups:
4W Arkansas (+9.5) v. 1W Gonzaga (7:09, CBS)
Oh, fuckballs, I absolutely LOVE the Pig Sooey ML bet here. Not that I think they are better than 50/50 to win, but it’s logically plausible. It’s all about getting value for money, and the Hogs are that.
11S Michigan (+5) v. 2S Villanova (7:29, TBS)
Another South matchup between two teams of dadgum YANKEES. Life comes at you fast sometimes. As seemingly happens every season, Michigan is your rando power conference team who lands a somewhat questionable at-large bid, then goes on a run. Can it continue? Sure. Nova is small, and they have to be medium-hot from three to win.
3W Texas Tech (-1) v. 2W Duke (9:39, CBS)
Chalk bracket says HAI. Please don’t watch this Coach K knob-slobbering. It is beneath all our dignities.
5S Houston (+1.5) v. 1S Arizona (9:59, TBS)
Do the Fighting Blax ™ have that team of destiny feel? Yes, Other Hippo, they sure does! But the JV 500s also could qualify, as the dreaded “post-hype sleeper” who breaks out the very first year you stop drafting/picking them. Not that I am goddamned bitter or anything. Kelvin Sampson is from North Cakalaky, and NC State would hire him in a hot second if they cared one teeny-tiny bit about winning. But they don’t, and won’t. Anyway, the winner here should beat the tar shit out of Villanova. And this will be one fun-assed game.
That Mexican attack had all the creativity of me wrapping some leftover mac n’ cheese in a tortilla and claiming I invented a new burrito.
Which I may or may not have actually done.
The Americans just laying back and taking the Mexicans best shots is how we wound up with Texas.
New pornhub search for balls.
‘The Annexation of Texas’ is when two Mexican girls peg you while calling you a ‘colonialist pig’.
Don’t kink shame me.
Gentlepersons,
You know how I love to watch you work. But I’ve got laundry to do, dinner to make, curling and Top Chef to watch, my wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I’m swamped!
See you tomorrow.
OK, see you tomo…wait, what was that part about watching ‘Top Chef’?
Sick fuck.
Soccer has become basketball. Superior fitness and musculature in exchange for skill and intelligence. Garbage result. American soccer fucking stinks.
Texas Tech’s coach looks like Rachel Maddow’s maiden aunt.
What is the difference between a pie sandwich and a sandwich pie?
Sandwich pie is how you figure out the circumference of a loaf of bread.
Curse you, Mark Anthony Kaye! I shall never put trust fund shillings on a team of partially uncivilized brutes ever again!
It appears Texas Tech does better when I’m not watching so, for the good of humanity, I’ll be working on my Spanish for the foreseeable future.
Pelota means ball! I’m doing great!
Zimmerman means telegram!
That’s a deep cut for you WWI fans out there.
It also means “racist Floridian” and “get away with murder.”
Si! Tu haces muy bien!
US team is starting a fight with a bunch of Mexicans surrounded by thousands of other Mexicans. Have we learned nothing from the Alamo!?
Or Raiders games?
Apparently the games in Qatar? I had no idea. That makes no sense
Wait until you hear about the stadiums they’re building.
No THIS game is in Azteca in Mexico City, the World Cup is in Qatar
unless I’m completely missing a joke which is possible
No, I was trying to see what stadium they were in, and my TV said Qatar. As indicated below, my TV is drunk.
That’s what you get for buying a Sorny. Shoulda sprung for a Carnivale.
Ah, there’s my problem; it’s a Samscunt!
Huh. I didn’t remember it was Jan Hooks that said that.
Pooless-ick really screwed the pooch on that chance (sorry RockingDog)
I see Politic has perfected the European art of diving to the ground and grabbing for his internal organs after blowing a wide open scoring chance.
So there’s that.
Oh my ovaries
There’s a Korean show called “Oh My Ghostess” and another called “Oh My Venus” – this could complete the trilogy!
Ha! Fuck Chelsea!
-Rush Limbaugh, after referring to a teenage girl as the White House Dog (but it’s fine because he’s now in hell and she’s had a good life)
You leave Rush alone. He’s been sober for over a year now.
Apparently the next USA game vs Panama is the big one that really matters for World Cup qualification
So that’s rocking I guess…
This game has nothing to do with the World Cup, correct?
No, it’s a qualifier. In Meheeco City. And we are currently tied for 2nd.
My TV says it’s in Qatar. I think my TV is drunk.
This is crap. Absolutely no offensive quality on either side. Oh christ this is garbage.
We are one thousand years away from producing European quality footballers. This is heartbreaking. We still STINK
Last funny;
New moms should pose with their newborns like fishermen after they caught a prize fish.
This Duke-Texas Tech game is sloppier than Houston after #368.
As #412, no, no it’s not.
QUIT HOLDING UP THE LINE!!!
Sorry, I can’t finish with more than 8 guys watching.
Should’ve asked for #495, then.
I find that if you slap it repeatedly against the side of the dumpster* before you start you get better results in the end.
*wife was pissed the first few times I called her that-YMMV
Just so we’re clear, is your wife “it” or the “dumpster” because either visual is cool.
Just so we’re clear
You Scientologists need to have your Thetans examined.
YOU’RE BEING SUPPRESSIVE
This American squad is neither charismatic nor talented. Let the Mexicans have this one. We wouldn’t make a ripple in the desert.
Yea they ain’t really rocking rite now…😬
Disagree totally. USA USA USA USA USA USA
Is this a tournament we care about? I can’t keep up.
We’re trying to be better than Italy in something other than greaselessness,
Pub had a lineup for the Canada game at 5 pm. Yeah people are in.
Nay people are out?
I was off in fantastic Santa Barbara yesterday; was there much discussion of horrible human being Stephen Ross getting his hands on fellow horrible human being Tyreek Hill?
I might have said something about his kid landing on his head.
So now that my money bracket’s worthless, I’ll root for my wife to win, which means rooting for (checks her bracket) Duke. Fucking great.
Did someone just blow up a planet?
People have done worse for money.
Well, you already knew she had poor judgement.
POW! BLAM! ZINGA!
Nothing is certain except death, taxes and Gonzaga bowing out in the 2nd weekend of the tournament.
I’m working on the first two
Tee hee. -Signed, someone whose team was the first notable Gonzaga victim and hasn’t won a game since. Which was over 20 years ago.
The Bitchagain Wolverines lose yet another important game.
It’s brilliant how they staggered these games so the first two ended within five minutes of each other and there’s a half hour of dead air before the next ones start.
Time for the Coach K slobberfest!
More like GONE-zaga, amirite?
[high fives self]
I haven’t seen a bracket busted this bad since…um…damn. I got nothin’.
Some kind of car accident, maybe?
Did you say car accident?
“Nice!”
-Britt Reid
I guess we can all take heart in Bill Clinton being happier than John Stockton?
Well…and you I guess.
moar liek GONZ-GAG-A amir f;lks godbless
Are the frighteningly ugly pale fuckers crying on the floor yet?
Gag-zaga is done.
STOP JINXING ME BET
Also, the creator of the .gif died today.
oh fuck. who’s gonna swim over to PR and tell DonT???
Lots of Jod jokes are flying right now.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTqBBm-4o0k
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5x5OXfe9KY
RIP
Fun GIF fact – Compuserve wasn’t aware that the LZW compression algorithm was patented. Whoops.
And it’s GIF like ‘giraffe’. Normally I’m descriptive rather than prescriptive, but I was at Compuserve in ’87. Worked right next door to the graphics guys. Hill to die on, etc.
YES, I know they’s gonna blow it. But I wanted to play this song anyway:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHPkJkBS1vE
I turned the teevee box off. Wallowing in my post-pizza shame shall suffice.
Nothing that a couple of Vikes can’t fix.
Especially if this is one of them
Apparently kicking fouls for Arkansas are allowed vs Zaga.
What round are they on now? It seems like this tournament should be over sooner than it actually is
Round 3, Sweet Sixteen (or as Matt Gaetz calls it, the Old Maid round)
“If you play your cards right, that tweenager will fold.”
-M. Gaetz
/I feel a bit sick, having typed that
Update: still in Texas. Stuck on a tarmac. They overfueled the plane. Good times.
Just tell ’em to burn away the excess
What did we say below about telling the Texans I’m Jewish?
Look, I’m not the kind of Hippo who thinks things through smh
44 years on this marble today. How in the hell did THAT happen?! Love youse folks.
Congrats on moving approximately 25.696 billion miles through the universe!
Feels like trillions more somedays.
Amazing he did it given the price of gas these days!
Congrats on your latest lap around Sol.
Happy vaginal expulsion day!
(Unless you were a c section like me)
Nope, the first one I saw was the one I popped out of.
Hope it wasn’t the last.
I mean, unless that’s how you roll.
[pictures Shogun making love with his eyes closed]
OH GOD NO WHY DID I DO THAT TO MYSELF? SOMEONE GET THE BLEACH!
Well NOW I will!
It’s still uterine expulsion!
(Also, woo! c section twinsies!)
Triplets!!!
Gumby got yanked out with forceps. Which explains a lot, actually.
So THAT’S why you always leave your house via the window.
(stolen from Steven Wright)
Many happy returns
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHOGUN!
Happy birthday, man
That’s Rockingggg!
.
Thinking outside the box: Is there any reason I shouldn’t have a pint of box wine?
Then you’d be out of wine? Only reason I can think of, and its not even a good one.
My word, dear colleagues — could Canada truly qualify for the World Cup tonight? I certainly hope so — I’ve put the last of my trust fund shillings on them to win this evening. Onward to Qatar, you British North Americans!
*Upper Canada
Win or lose, Drew Timme is going to sell a used car after this game.
Found a funny;
a weighted blanket is not enough i need to be compressed into a .zip file
North Macedonia beat Italy in World Cup qualifying? I’d assume that Italian twitter was going bananas but what with the entire country having greasy, slippery fingers, it’s probably just countless variations on, “frw3c2z nut^ jjiy7 uhtgy? vcde3a!”
https://www.bbc.com/sport/football/60869125
Michigan-Nova is annoying because it’s yellow vs white jerseys but then I remembered it’s not yellow, it’s MAIZE and now I’m even more annoyed.
THANK YOU!!!
Completely True Fact-Paul McCartney is a HUGE Michigan supporter.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdDPR8GzXy8&ab_channel=PaulMcCartneyVEVO
Well the song is kinda…corny.
On the plus side, if we heat them up in oil until they explode then cover them with butter they are DELICIOUS
I dunno, microwaving basketball players is kinda German.
In conclusion, Michigan is a land of contrasts.
Gonzaga needs to ride Timme’s mustache if they want the win.
They were layin bricks the entire half and are only down 3. They’ll be fine.
(Gonzaga loses by 20)
Close. It certainly wasn’t a nail-biter. Unless you’re Eli, but that doesn’t count because it’s just a bad habit.
I did wager $50 each on Pig Sooey and Meeeechigan to win. Watch ’em both lose at thebuzzer. Goddamnit.
/at worst I am still $200 in the black today thanks to India’s Churchill Brothers
//fuck you, YOU have a problem
Get me out of Texas.
You need an abortion?
In California, as long as you remember the punch-card the 5th one’s free.
Based on the brainwashing I get in Ohio, I believe that’s probably not a joke.
Two things happen here:
1) Women get abortions, often after birth
2) Communist gay teachers make white kids pick cotton for reparations
The cotton is made into reusable tote bags that drive up gas prices!
That state’s “Minus-1 Child Policy” is short-sighted, to say the very least.
Just tell them you’re a Jew, they’ll get you out post haste
Yes, because in the history of humanity, anyone in an hazardous situation voluntarily admitting they’re a Jew always ended up okay.
And I was worried I’d push the envelope if I made a “maybe if I were evil enough to sexually assault 22 women they’d get me out of Texas….but then I’d end up in Cleveland” joke.
Brady to the LOLfins?
https://twitter.com/MerloniFauria/status/1507110752313872386
Tyreek and Dreamboat Under One Roof? I do appreciate Miami’s slimefuck owner going Full Heel here.
Oh fuck no.
Donald Trump is suing Hillary Clinton, the DNC and pretty much everyone he banned on Twitter page in 2016 for “destroying his life”.
Per his complaint, his “life” is worth $72 million.
That’s like one dollar per (opposition) voter to have hired a contract killer.
He’ll be lucky if he can get 72 million rubles worth of stock he can’t sell on what passes for the russian stock market these days
Shame Pizza ETA – 8:21 WOO
“Shame Pizza”? Singular? Lightweight!
The first two aren’t shameful!
The food equivalent of in the ear doesn’t count!
How did you break your eardrum?
I went to an Erasure concert.
That doesn’t really answer the question.
Moar like Sham pizza since it’s got no cheese
“Flatbread of shame”
I wonder how much his favorite place charges for a “medium cardboard pizza box with a thin layer of mayo” on it.
TRIGGER WARNING FFS!!!!
Okay, as you requested, here’s a TRIGGER WARNING:
https://mobile.twitter.com/Bengals/status/1507012121262915591?cxt=HHwWjoCsgcbi_ekpAAAA
I had yummy toaster pizza for breakfast and dinner, macadamia pie for lunch. I did not make anything using the fresh and delicious veggies in my fridge because too lazy to do that and work stuff, but I DID wash my good pot so I can make pasta tomorrow. Except I’m not going to be eating at home again until Tuesday but whatever.
This comment might be over the top but I could easily beat Gonzaga’s Chad Bifida in a wrist-wrestling match.
Will Gag-zaga make an appearance? Stay tuned.
Anyone else read that in the 1960s Batman narrator voice?
Welp…
https://www.cnn.com/2022/03/24/us/denver-stadium-fire/index.html
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XchwE9zVdnw