Things To Do In Baltimore When Moderately Drunk

  1. Write the Saturday morning DFO column.
  2. Forget the loose idea one had in mind for the Saturday morning DFO column.
  3. Sweat like a Black man in an Alabama courtroom.
  4. Wonder if #3 was racialist?
  5. No, it is the children who are wrong.
  6. Should I attend the Everton match tomorrow?  DFO insta-poll!  But probably not.  I think we’s gonna go see a fort of some varietal tomorrow.  Do you even America bro??
  7. The Blowers Corn are as nice a married couple as one will ever meet.  And neither me, Armed and Hammered, BFC, nor Sharkbait murdered even ONE of them!
  8. I ordered, by far, the girliest beers at the table.
  9. I keep confusing hipster chicks with prostitutes, and vice versa.
  10. I am too tired to locate a gentleman’s club, and tWBS would be rightly shamed.
  11. Balls ain’t die, did he?  I told him them vaccines wasn’t no Jewish plot to sterilize the Gentile population.
  12. I have no footed ball thoughts for you.  The transfer window is going badly, though.  YMMV, since you do not support Everton Football Club.
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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My stupid cat is eating a potato chip she just stole. What the hell is wrong with her? There’s no protein in potatoes!

TheRevanchist

First beef. Next potato.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What kind of booze should I add to cherry coke? Costco brand Tennessee whiskey?

Doktor Zymm

Sounds good, I say go for it!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ugh. It’s a good thing I’m already pretty sauced cause this is NOT working very well. What the hell is this whiskey good for, anyways?

TheRevanchist

Is there a wrong answer?

Gumbygirl

That will be festive coming back up!

litre_cola

Litrepug has given up and gone to bed. I think the Baileys night cap did him in.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

What a lightweight

Gumbygirl

He’s just a pup!

Senor Weaselo

So it’s close to midnight on a Saturday night. Anyone dead yet?

Redshirt

You mean emotionally or physiologically?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Sorry, was busy hanging out (read: “walking by”) celebrities like Keegan Michael Key and Kumail Nanjiani.

I actually didn’t even notice Kumail. Nobody else noticed Keegan, though. Maybe I hallucinated him.

Sharkbait

I may or may not have absconded with a fells point pint glass with the assistance of Brick. Spoiler alert: I did and it went better than the Everton Flag mission.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Only one of us broke something

Redshirt

adds Baltimore to list of cities DFO is banned from

litre_cola

Oh boy. No air con anywhere. 40 C this week.

https://twitter.com/MyCatHatesTrump/status/1548480567309582338?s=20

Redshirt

Now, now. It is London. We cannot dismiss the theory that Mother Nature is just tired of their shit and is lancing it off the planet.

litre_cola

My dear Ohioan. I fucking love that grimy, shitty city so much. It is everything, but you have to find it.

Redshirt

UPDATE: Still cannot watch Super Bowl LVI. Too soon. While I can respect Aaron Donald and Cooper Kupp going Football Super Saiyan on the Bengals after watching Odell Beckham Jr get knee-dead, I still haven’t come to terms with the mistakes Zac Taylor made in the game, especially the 2nd half.

Last edited 2 years ago by Redshirt
litre_cola

Me and pinkeye got this for you. I was 13 and LOVED your Reds.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VEhHyJDW4Kw

Redshirt

Nice. The Big Red Machine will always be royalty, but the Wire-to-Wire Reds will always have a place in Cincinnati fans’ hearts. Game 1 of the 1990 World Series set the tone for the series. The A’s came for a coronation; the Reds came for a championship.

1990 World Series Game #1: A’s at Reds – YouTube

Brick Meathook

Fells Point

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Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

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Sharkbait

BFC got too aggressive in getting the Everton flag. Sorry Hippo…

WCS

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litre_cola

I blame Horatio getting this for treaty to Cecil.

litre_cola

Fulham Premier league bad?

TheRevanchist

Did some bar hopping with the Mrs last night. We had a good time. Well, she had a good time and I was the DD.

Tonight is my turn, but at home.

litre_cola

I see you workin. Driving what amirite?

/am day drunk.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Meanwhile Ben Shapiro is hiding behind the garage with a water balloon in his latest scheme to get his wife wet.

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WCS

Oh, just bang you two. Get it over with.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

GTD, your peer pressure worked. Hippo went to the game.

Game Time Decision

Haha. Good. He’s been wavering about it for weeks. WEEKS
Hopefully a buncha yous went with him

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The rest of us are at the bar befriending the locals

Gumbygirl

.

My parents thought the #browns logo was a rabbit pushing a grocery cart and now I can’t unsee it. pic.twitter.com/afUmn8z8X6

— Alex Klingelhoeffer (@okccfacfp) December 25, 2021

Gumbygirl

This is not what I meant to post at all!

Gumbygirl

And now my phone is dying. Le sigh.

WCS

Blame it on the smoke and heat stroke combo!

Gumbygirl

I think I got it! Here’s a local

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litre_cola

Texting him now

WCS

Was it really peer pressure, or did you tell him there was hidden script of opiates hidden in one of the men’s rooms?

Game Time Decision

Watching the HAM vs OTT CFL game and wow do I ever want it to end in a tie game

Brick Meathook

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Sharkbait

BFC loves some Old Bay.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

How dare you

Sharkbait

It has your name on it. How dare you.

Brick Meathook

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WCS

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Sharkbait

Those crabs made a valiant sacrifice.

WCS

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Doktor Zymm

Well done! THAT is how one eats crabs!

Brick Meathook

Baltimore 7/16/22

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Last edited 2 years ago by Brick Meathook
scotchnaut

/Wifey and I were sitting on the deck and we observed a fast boat towing a kid behind on a tube.

Me: “That doesn’t happen very often.”

Wifey: “Everyone on this lake is either old or doesn’t have kids, I think.”

Me: [recalling the amount of slow-moving Pontoon Boats we saw while kayaking] “That means that we are old.”

Wifey: “You had to say it.”

litre_cola

30°C in the back yard having Sangria. Did 5 shifts at the resto for Stampede. Tiring but lucrative.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[comes running around the corner]

“Did somebody say there’s Hi-C in the back yard?”

– Eli Manning

scotchnaut

I hope you’re only declaring 30% of the tips, as is the norm.

yeah right

73 and sunny and the walk by the yachts was fucking spectacular. Sipping a 12 oz barley malt and crunching on some All Dressed Ruffles.

litre_cola

Thoughts? Balls loves them as does Mrs. Cola.

yeah right

The texture is awesome and the flavour is solid but?

That’s a salty motherfucker right there. Took me 3 chips before I grabbed a beer.

Is that the goal?

TAJ said salty orange juice with ketchup.

litre_cola

I can see that. Oh yeah, they are a salt bomb. Next time I will send you hickory sticks.Exceso Sodio!!!

WCS

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Game Time Decision

LOVE hickory sticks but very salty

Gumbygirl

It’s 107⁰ here. Sweating on my couch.

WCS

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yeah right

I’ve said it before but what I pay extra in rent to live on the coast I make up in the low cost of utilities.

I have no air conditioner and no heater.

I haven’t paid a gas bill in 4 months because I got a California climate credit, whatever the fuck that is. My usual gas bill when I do have to pay is about 8 bucks and change. My electric bill is about 60 bucks a month but I’m billed every two months.

The math adds up!

herodotus450

“So you see, you save 100$ a month on utilities but the rent is only 1000$ a month more! You’d be losing money NOT to live here!”

yeah right

That’s why you’ve got to choose your neighborhood properly.

My town has the moniker “Where the ghetto meets the sea” for a reason.

I’m not fucked with mostly because I’m grandfathered in. And secondly because I don’t fuck with the locals.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Counterpoint:

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Last edited 2 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
yeah right

That’s a fantastic photo and a unique angle. You can see Sunken City perfectly.

Doktor Zymm

Glad y’all are having fun! If you see a car drive by with a 5 foot inflatable penis strapped to the roof please wave at my friend Sarah.

Also it is super easy to find a Gentlemen’s Club in B’more, they are all right next to police HQ.

scotchnaut

with a 5 foot inflatable penis strapped to the roof

I don’t want to judge [begins judging] but during this period of high gas prices that’s going to create a lot of drag and really mess with her MPG average.

Sharkbait

I have so many questions.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Everyone has questions, including where is Sarah right meow?

scotchnaut

This golfer with the mullet* is sorta interesting.

*in golf terms would it be called “The Back Nine”?

WCS

Back Nine is what Balls is into around the side of the snack stand off the seventh hole.

herodotus450

Arnold Palmer in the front, John Daly in the back brother

ballsofsteelandfury

I am currently alive though still testing positive. I can’t wait until I’m not contagious anymore.

scotchnaut

I’d reply to this comment but I don’t want to get infected. Oh, shit…

Dunstan

I saw Contagious Balls open for AC-DC back in the 80s.

scotchnaut

“Shave Me, Enslave Me” was a great tune.

litre_cola

“Shorn and Reborn” was done by their Christian Rock alternative.

Gumbygirl

I prefer to think of you as having an infectious personality! You are my favorite, Balls. Don’t tell the others. And for Chrissakes, don’t die!

Last edited 2 years ago by Gumbygirl
scotchnaut

I rag on northern Ontario quite a bit but today wifey and I threw our kayaks in the water and had a great 90 minute workout. Made a few new friends on the lake as well from folks hanging out on their docks.

/after we got back I asked her what her plan was and she replied, “I don’t know about you but I’m going to daydrink”
//she might be a keeper

Game Time Decision

Go to the freaking game. Even as an exhibition with jr players its still better than MLS

litre_cola

This is one of the reasons you and I are friends.

Gumbygirl

Everton! Everton! Everton!

2Pack

Was it grape pedialyte at least… just a little gangsta…

yeah right

What are the Bodymore Murdahland plans for the day?

WCS

Slinging rocks, stashing bloody knives, dressing in purple camo, typical Bawlmer Saturday.

yeah right

Corner boy for the day?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Some of us went historical and toured Fort McHenry, good times. Now at a brewery waiting for A&H and teh Hippo.

Gumbygirl

Were you naked? Because it doesn’t count if you weren’t!

Last edited 2 years ago by Gumbygirl
Don T

Will this trip become “The one where Hippo drinks gin”? You decide!

Don T

My vote is “I mean, you know, if it’s not totally that big of a deal or whatever [confused gesture]”

WCS

Hippo is more of Sloe Pill Fizz kind of animal.

Don T

Mm… UnconscioUs in a slave dungeon 🤤

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Seems like it would be a colonial Afghanistan kind of thing.

Gumbygirl

Gin will make you sin.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Whiskey will make you do things that are risky.

Sharkbait

I’ll get him a bees knees and just tell him to drink it.

litre_cola

Shit, its Saturday, gotta cobble something up for tomorrow.

Hippo, what if they were hipster prozzies? Or professional hipsters?

litre_cola

While drinking a mint julep out of a glass slipper.

Gumbygirl

You have to keep your fedora on. I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, I watched Everything, Everywhere, All at Once last night. I’m glad I did, it was well worth it.

BeefReeferLives

Funny you should mention it, I smoked, drank, and ate Everything, Everywhere, All at Once last night. I’m glad I did, it was well worth it.

Gumbygirl

You’re the Man, man!

yeah right

Youngest right talked me into it. It was fantastic. All of the emotions got involved.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

And it’s got Data from Goonies!

2Pack

“Charm City” huh… we’ll expect a full report you know. Photos of ladies drunk in the stands would be nice too. There is an entire clubhouse counting on you people!

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Last edited 2 years ago by 2Pack
2Pack

Ladies. Shoulders. Focus.

Dunstan

Woke up at 5:30 am for some reason. Decided to order some bagel delivery. Of course, you have to order enough bagels to “make it worthwhile,” so I will be eating ALL OF THE CARBS this weekend I guess.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[shows up at your front door]

“Yes, I’m told you have all of the…”

[rereads your comment]

“Apologies, my mistake.”

– Jameis Winston

Dunstan

It’s ok, Jameis. I have to admit, though, that with these pork ribs in the sous vide, I was expecting a different NFL personality….

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Dunstan

Goddamnit, there goes my security deposit.

WCS

Jameis never apologizes.

Gumbygirl

Dyslexia would explain a lot, with that guy.