A Jackie Gleason reference? WTF? Anyhoo, I’m amped. Are you amped? It might have something to do with the Giants playing and the coaches installing an offense that doesn’t embrace the 80’s (more about that in a hot second) and the fact that all three of their preseason games are nationally televised. I’m really just happy to see football and hang out with you degenerates. So close that “Up Close Nasal Insertions” video and pay attention.
To The Games!
Giants/Pats:
-We got starters playing! Well, one team anyway.
-Several reports out of camp indicate that the passing aspect of this offense has quite a ways to go. More complex than any player has heretofore seen, Coach The Ball and OC Kafka (any nickname suggestions are welcome) have seen tons of miscommunications, wrong routes and puzzling mis-throws.
-For this reason I’d ignore any buzz you’ve heard about Kadarius. He’s participated in all of four of eleven practices. Maybe use him in best ball or DFS but for a regular draft, I’d stay clear. He reeks of Boom or Bust with an emphasis on the latter.
-The Pats are in mourning because James White passed away, er, ‘retired’ today.
-The only way that qb Bailey Zappe’s name could be cooler is if the ‘e’ at the end was pronounced as the French are want to do.
-Will Belichick have whiffed on yet another wr in this past draft? [Tyquan Thornton shuffles his feet nervously]
Titans/Ravens:
-Qb-wise Tennessee will first give us Logan Woodside, who no doubt is a preppie that drinks spritzers and idly waits to join his dad’s venture capital firm. His gf’s name is Buffy. That is not her nickname.
-More names? Okay then. We should see a Titans wr called Racey McMath [googles his 40 time, sees he ran a 4.34 on his Pro Day] and there goes that stupid joke. Damnit! Good luck to him-the wr group doesn’t seem all that imposing outside of chronically injured and very soon-to-be over the hill Robert Woods.
-Beware The Huntley-this dude scored 4 TD’s in a preseason-er last year and then did the same in wk 14 vs the Packers.
It’s all you now. Maybe a bit more of me as well…
Where’s the cocktail of the week? It’s nearly 11:00 am and I’m still sober!
“Mr. Kiem, this is an elementary school drop off line.”
The great Wordle heater continues!
Wordle 419 3/6
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My Wordle streak continues as well, in that I have never played it.
Ribbot should lose for being a total coward in this fight with Deep Six.
And Karma caught the last train to the coast.
Of course I pick the Als to beat the Bombers last week in Montreal and they go ahead and do it in Winnipeg instead. Ridiculous.
Really? Shit. I thought this one was a no-brainer. Oh well, c’est la guerre! Gumby and I went to Weinerschnitzel yesterday; it wasn’t one of these cool retro drive through ones. There’s still one of those in San Bernardino. But hey, tube meat!
Wienerschnitzel usually brings out a pastrami dog once or twice a year. This year, nothing. I have some serious emotional attachments to this particular menu item. It’s the best thing they have ever made. A few times every week, I check to see if it’s back on the menu. And it’s just disappointing to see it’s not.
I know they have them after Christmas, like around January? I’m pretty sure it’s just a limited time thing, like McRib.
Never been. Quite a gap in my gastro life experiences.
I called it. Guarantees it in fact.
My renewed passport arrived today! I’m celebrating by looking at pictures of the laksa I’m gonna eat when I’m in Singapore a couple weeks from now.
I did a three-day layover in Singapore on my round-the-world trip because I had to stop there anyway. Wasn’t expecting much, but it was a pleasant surprise. Only downsides are that it’s an expensive town for drinking, and really hot and humid.
Apparently my hotel has a decent happy hour in the afternoons, so that should help moderate the booze cost. There’s also a craft distillery and beer tour I’m contemplating.
Cool. The Botanical Gardens are pretty impressive, just don’t be dumb like me and see them in the middle of the afternoon. I have never enjoyed a nonalcoholic drink more than the limeade I got that day.
You need to go be a mysterious spy at the Raffles bar. We are counting on you. Lives depend on it!
My nephew is in Singapore right now!
Wish I made it to that sick Red Rock performance.
He performed with Nine Inch Nails
.
Tremendous
I’m giving his therapist a D-.
So is DeShaun Watson.
But an A+ in narcissism. Rickey Henderson ain’t got nothing on AB.
Throwing rocks at UPS? A man after Doc Zymm’s heart!
I was too busy pretending to watch pre season football, but did I just see Fox CGI Harry Cary into the field of dreams game?
He was so good announcing the very first baseball game ever.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBU5e2HqcrA
I couldn’t figure out if that was old footage, CGI, or an impersonator, and decided I didn’t want to know.
No, he’s back.
ALL HAIL ZOMBIE HARRY CAREY DRUNK UNDEAD ACCIDENTAL RACIST!
Whoever came up with this should commit Harry Carey, I mean hara-kiri.
I heard it was going to happen and intentionally missed it.
I’m sure it was great.
Gumby and I still sing Harry’s number 1 hit 🎶”Jody, Jody Davis
Catcher without no fear!”🎵
Me: “You know, this game isn’t that bad. Its a nice scenery, plus its nice seeing the Reds throwback uniforms.”
Voice in My Head: “If they are so good, they should bring back the pinstripe uniforms from the ’90s.”
Me: “You shut your whore mouth!”
Blue Bombers tied with Alouettes in the 3rd quarter…
Oh well, I was good last week! 4-0 baybee! Like Nostradamus, or at least Jeanne Dixon. [ youngins’ saying “who?” ]
I don’t really enjoy John Smoltz as a baseball commentator; he tends to be a little too “get off my lawn, this isn’t how we did it in my day.” But his tribute to his dad, who died today, was pretty good. And I respect the decision to go ahead and do the game. I hadn’t noticed anything off about him until now, so that’s some serious professionalism.
I like Smoltz okay.
Me: Barring some kind of catastrophic fuckup, the gmen are gonna win this game
Mrs. Sharkbait: Shut up SHUT UP!
/related to my post below
It is absolutely not fair when a server/regular drops their boobs onto the back of my hand when I’m concentrating on solving the NY Times Crossword. I’m calling you out, Carol, Cathy and Jessica!
/I hope they see this
I hate it when that happens. Or they linger real long bent over in front of you… in their low cut tops… totally interrupting your thoughts.
You rhymed ‘low cut tops’ with ‘your thoughts’. I’m speechless…
God Bless, Reds Twitter. With the Reds team in the shitter, its the only thing that’s kept me sane this NFL offseason.
Corn Reporter on Twitter: “If this was truly a Field of Dreams, Adam Dunn would come walking out of the RF corn like Hacksaw Jim Duggan and sock a 5-run homer right here” / Twitter
Well they already had Griffey.
They had two Ken Griffeys, Johnny Bench and Barry Larkin. Part of me was hoping they’d take the field. Even Ken Griffey Sr. would be an upgrade.
Speaking of the Giants dropped passes, here are mine-
Me: “I’m super excited about going to see ‘Edward Scissorhands’!”
Server: [in retrospect, had a huge crush] “Oh my god! Me too!”
Me: “That’s cool. Can I get another Stella?”
Oof.
Regular: “This should be our song.” [gives me the headphones]
Me: [listens to ‘Damn, If I Was Your Lover’] “That is a great song!”
Server: “I really, really missed you while you were on vacation.”
Me: “Um, I, uh, missed you too.”
You smooth fuck you.
A lot of serial killers are fueled by sexual frustration.
HA HA WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S SILLY HA HA
“Teacher says, ‘Everytime Scotchy gets blueballs, a hobo’s life ends horrifically!'”
You can’t spell “bloodlust” without “lust”!
Glad to see that I’m not the only one who never got it when someone was flirting with me until wayyyyyyy to late
My now wife, had to kiss me before I got the hint that she was into me before we started dating
So, you’re the reverse Link?
Mrs. Cornblower had to walk up to me (in a bar, of course), and say “you should buy me a drink”
She was nice enough to not begin that sentence with “Hey Stupid”, but it was implied.
Family_Guy_Air_Traffic_Control.gif (432×324) (nicknotas.com)
BOOO! Worse than Goodell! BOOO!
Another odd Jackie Gleason fact: actor Jason Patric is his grandson!
Also, Lorraine Baines and family could watch him while they ate in 1955!
About as useful!
The Jackie Gleason reference reminds me of one of the best features that Modern Drunkard Magazine ever did: their Clash of the Tightest fictional drinking contest between 16 legendary boozers.
Without looking I’m going Richard Burton.
Nope.
Brendan Behan?
Ha! Topical!
No André the Giant? That tournament is invalid!
I would have replaced Dean Martin with someone else. Maybe Oliver Reed? Or Harry Nilsson!
They definitely should have run a sequel. I don’t think the web site has been updated in years, though I just saw now that there is an active Twitter account
Yeah, Dino faked it most of the time.
I had read that too. It was part of his act.
In my 20s, my thinking was “Sinatra was the coolest guy in the Rat Pack, because the other guys all called him ‘the Chairman’ and Dino passed up some partying to do his own thing.”
Now I kind of think Dino may have been the coolest for the exact same reasons.
Dino was absolutely the coolest, and that is not an insult to Sinatra.
Oliver Reed is a great pick.
Wade Boggs and his beers?
Boris Yeltsen for your international entrant.
How bad a coach is Charlie Weis if Belichick didn’t hire him back? He probably doesn’t need the money since he conned Norte Dame and Kansas out of tens of millions of dollars.
/smgdh
So there’s 2 seconds left in the half
-Belichick calls timeout because the Pats D is not set up for a Hail Mary
-how does Tyrod respond? He throws an 8 yard pass to a wr that can’t possibly get out of bounds before time expires
-???
You gotta love the incompetence of preseason football. Its the most innocent form of sports stupidity.
Joe Judge’s official title was released today-he’s been designated as “Offensive Assistant/QB Coach/Sprint Punishment Supervisor/Epithet Spewer and 3rd and Short Consultant”.
/that’s a lot of responsibility!
Bailey Zappe looks like Zapp Brannigan in the pocket so far.
Sexy?
I was going for half assed leader. Cannot make a judgement based on looks yet.
I bet he doesn’t suffer from sexlexia, though.
I’m watching Press Your Luck. It’s just a little more highbrow than Ow! My Balls! Elizabeth Banks does clean up nice, though.
Love Elizabeth Banks.
“Hate all other kinds of banks.” – Warren Sapp
The judges would also have accepted “Ron Paul”.
And another 3 – that’s two 2’s, two 3’s, and a 4 in five day. I’m on the greatest Wordle heater of my life!
Is there any way you can turn this Wordle run into extra sex or floor-steaming?
I would think he’d concentrate his new power into making waves.
Floor-steaming is code for sex on the carpet in the Rikki household.
“Input is too short”? Who does WordPress think I am, Brett Favre?
Yes! Every preseason I’m reminded of Bob’s Discount Furniture and the company’s utter devotion to Pats football.
That little Bob is creepy as fuck. Here’s our terrifying Chuckie doll to sell you a couch, seems like a bad marketing plan to me! We have them out here too.
I’m still at work. Have the Giants had another intrasquad brawl yet?
Yes. The Guest Brawler was the coach of the secondary.
They will if Golladay drops another pass.
Brian Hoyer has been in the league so long he backed up Sid Luckman.
Backup QB is up there in the best sports jobs. The best is obviously bullpen catcher.
Wanted to watch a porn called “Feel The Reams” but instead I’m watching baseball in a cornfield. GET TO THE REAMING.
Pretend you’re a Reds fan. Then you feel like you’ve been reamed every game.
Hey you got a WS title in 1990, and I’m sure you’re old enough to remember that.
Same thing happened to me when I loaded up “How To Rub Your Balls To Generate More DPs in the Three Hole” smh thanks alot CONGRESS.
Cameron Maybin knows what you mean.
https://mobile.twitter.com/mlberrors/status/1557472038301876224
Heh heh, speaking of cornfields…
OC Kafka –> Coach Roach
That could work.
That’s so Meta!
It was too much to hope for that Joe Judge would be calling the plays for the Pats O. I mean, Patricia is going to suck but Judge could have taken suckage to a new level.
Well, the (single-serve) chicken breasts I had defrosting had a hole in them and are now garbage. And leaky.
Man, it sucks not actually being able to cook because how busy you were for a solid month or three, then realizing a bunch of the meat’s gone bad.
No, that was before I moved here. Have you seen dark red ketchup? Because I have.
Giants didn’t go three and out on their 1st sequence. WE’RE GOIN’ TO THE PLAYOFFS BABY!!!
Giants are favoUred by 2 1/2. Huh?