All those GIFs of car crushing and metal shredding from last night’s open thread, and all the talking about MILF Manor (I wrote MILF Island but that’s the 30 Rock one) reminded me of British game show “Beat the Crusher.” I have no idea what it involved, so I checked Wikipedia to find out that, like, holy shit, that’s fucked up. Basically, you’d better have brought a beater car, because from the studio audience, two couples were chosen at random to play the game at the end, gambling their current car via a trivia contest to win a significantly nicer new car. The losing party would have their current car destroyed and win the consolation prize… of bus fare home. Y’know, I can understand why there were only 10 episodes and no second series. (Apparently the audience did start bringing beater cars, which was part of the “only 10 episodes.” Because no one cares if it’s some shitty ’80s death trap that cost a few hundred quid.)

Also, you’d think that was the whole show, right? Like, a whole lengthy thing between two groups with cars at stake, right? A full hour of attrition, playing for pinks? Nope. There’s other sideshow shit before the showdown, like small children completing challenges for toys, or families competing for some sort of large trophy. Here. Just… watch this. Be forewarned, it’s an hour plus. I’m not even gonna riff this. Just that it has to be seen to be believed.

Kinda reminds me of the vibe of Robot Wars, where there was much more of the “thrown together in the back of the shed” vibe than BattleBots (possibly because most of those time those robots didn’t make it to the TV rounds). But of course it’s the Brits who gave us the chant “You’re going home in a bin bag!”

Was this a chance for me to mention Granny’s Revenge? Yes. Yes it is. And in their second season (yes, this robot competed in TWO Robot Wars seasons, 5 and 6) they fought in a melee with Hypno-Disc. Hypno-Disc is, by comparison, arguably a top-2 robot to never win Robot Wars, a three consecutive time Grand Finalist (a feat only matched by Carbide) and one-time runner-up, and the first notable British kinetic spinner (and last for some time, because they were banned in live events between 2007 and 2017).

But I don’t know, something about the game show nature of Beat the Crusher makes the risking cars seem… unsavory. It’s not like other game shows (The Weakest Link, or Greed) where the eliminated just has to take a long walk off stage, and feel great shame. There are stakes involved.

Okay, rant over. Time for the news.

–TEH BASTARD MAN IS GONE! Is it really “for good?” One more unretirement and we can officially refer to him as Favre.

-Pre-Super Bowl CrimeBeat! Eagles OL Josh Sills has been indicted on… yeah.

–The Sean Payton trade details: ’23 1st, ’24 2nd, for Payton and a ’24 3rd.

–Matt Rhule has fired for arbitration regarding $5 million in severance pay.

-The Titans are moving from grass to turf. As opposed to everyone else, it seems.

–Damar Hamlin hopes you learn CPR. I remember having to take a CPR class in 9th grade, but that was the spring of 2005. It’s been a while.

What’s for sports?
Last day of iceball (before the All-Star Break)
RRRRRRRRALEIGH! COME TO OUR GAMES! vs. Buffaslugs (CAR vs. BUF, 7:30, TNT)
What’s normally the first round Game 7 loss: Bruins vs. Maple Leafs (BOS, vs. TOR, 7:30, NESN/SN)

Not the last day of hoopsball
Flat Earthers vs. Basketball Bruins (BKN vs. BOS, 7:30, ESPN)
Barkleys vs. Wilkinses (PHX vs. ATL, 10:00, ESPN)

Not yet Smarch Smadness
#17 Friar Tucks vs. #16 Fightin’ Dumas (Providence vs. Xavier, in progress, FS1)
#2 Rocky Top vs. Swamp People (Tennessee vs. Florida, 7:00, ESPN2)
#14 Marks Et vs. Villa Nova (Marquette vs. Villanova, 8:30,FS1)
Bedlam! (Oklahoma State vs. Oklahoma, 9:00, ESPN2)
Tweaker Matchup! New Mexico vs. Utah State (10:30, FS1)

I believe I’ll be out next week due to everyone’s favorite Orwell-originated segment, Animal Farm performed entirely in Newspeak!

I mean Hate Week. Anyway, we’ll figure that out next week.