Did you remember to blow off work to watch City away to Arsenal mid-week? An absolute cracker of a match. King’s Afrikan Water Pistols outplayed the reigning champs for about 70′ – but were level at 1. And those last 20′ were a dagger to the heart.
City now are ahead on goal differential, but Arsenal still have a game in hand (which is home against Very Disappointing Everton no less), so I don’t think the conclusion has been written. Probably now a true 50/50 though, always enjoyable for the neutral.
Those same Pistoleros have a mighty quick turnaround, playing the Early Bird Special at Villa (7:30, USA). To be a true title challenger, you need to rise to occasions on mornings like this. Will be fascinating to see if they do, and how many changes Handsome Mikel makes to his XI.
USA is televising the scheisse porn between Everton and Leeds at 10. Just to be mean, I guess. City get the Robins Hood on Peacock, watch that and see if they have a wee hangover. Brighton and Fulham should be a tasty treat, too. Just ignore my Ded Toffees if at all humanly possible.
Bonesaws/Redshite is your Spotlight Dance (12:30, NBC). Hard. Fookin.’ PASS.
Sunday should be worthwhile, with Men Untied hosting Lester (9:00, USA), followed by Spurs/Hammers (11:30, USA). Tottenham just might be killing poor Antonio Conte. He wouldn’t be the first, nor would he be the last. Whereas Moyes just has to be happy that 35 points should keep the Hammers safe. It’s that dreadful at the ass end of the Table.
Hang in there, folks. We still are months away from Draft weekend. UGH.
Balls is taking over the Saturday Night beat until JV kicks back off, huzzah! He will no doubt have somee excellent depravity for all y’all.
Bahahahaha smash and grab!!!! Suck it trashbirds!!!
Offseason Fun With Quarterbacks!
Collect ‘em all! Trade with your friends!
#DoucheStrong
“No shit.”
-Houston, after the 500
“Let me know if you need a tampon, I always carry some for ‘jokes.'” — Tiger Woods
That he came with those in his pocket means that he made a premeditated awful, offensive joke. That he thought about this in advance, and didn’t realize how unnecessary and bad it was makes me question his sanity.
Where did he even get it from? Did he steal one from whatever Waffle House waitress he’s shacking up with now?
Can you believe they sell tampons in stores? Won’t somebody think of the children?
“Any decent woman of childbearing age who isn’t pregnant is some liberal child-hating slut. So really, selling tampons is a form of grooming.” — Ben Shapiro, probably
He likes his Waffle House waitresses “Chunked and covered.”
Probably slightly better than “smothered and scattered.”
It’s a joke in poor taste, yes, but it’s a joke in poor taste among friends. I have no problem with those kinds of jokes among friends, as one might notice around here. If he got up on the podium post-match and announced he was giving the guy a tampon because he’d outdriven him that would be different. I have no problem with what he did.
Now, if I was on Tiger’s PR team, and I knew about Tiger’s history with women, well I might have a different take.
I guess one of the downsides of getting paid millions and millions of dollars to play a game (NAWT A SPORT!) for a living and having a history of treating women like disposable objects you would flush down the toilet once you are finished with them is that you can’t do stuff like this in public anymore.
There are a lot of things many of us can joke about that Tiger can’t. Serial cheating, pills, DUI, having your wife try to kill you with a golf club, car crashes.
Really, the tampon is about the only thing he has left.
“What about racial jokes?”
–Some of our grandpas, probably
I don’t have a problem with any of this. Serial cheating? FINE! He’s rich, fuck em’ all, that’s what the money’s for. Pills? FINE! I like them too. DUI? I don’t recommend it but FINE! Having your wife try to kill you with a golf club? FINE! There’s no excuse for domestic violence – prosecute that evil person to the fullest and cancel her alimony! Car crashes? FINE! They were single car, empty road affairs and no one was hurt. He was just out there having fun. Tampons and racial jokes? FINE! Everybody loves them so tell us a good one.
This window is so boring and forever-taking
Excellent timing as always
Chelsea losing is delish.
My father would disagree with you.
My intention last night was to drink enough that I’d be hungover this morning, and I have succeeded.
Thoughts and prayers.
Not so loud, please.
You should celebrate with a Bloody Mary
I haven’t had a drink since the Owl, and I wasn’t trying.
(not bragging/shaming, I’m with the in laws this weekend so that shit’ll change forthwith)
That doesn’t count. It’s not drinking, it’s taking medicine.
Man City breaks the ice against Nottingham Forest.
There’s a shocker.
A whole bunch of yellows.
/coach Parcells has left the chat
We also would have accepted “Patrick Mahomes has thrown an incompletion on third down.”
Gotta believe we’ll be seeing some red cards here. Whoever tried to throw the Everton player over the boards should probably be going.
Off-setting yellows instead. Truly the coward’s way out by the official.
Damn off season
Sucker! – Q-aaron R., Berkeley, CA
He looks like Eli Manning does every year at the end of summer camp.
Granpappy Mahomes:
I mean, seriously, what the hell is going on? 6 goals in the first fixture.
Zero goals in 30 minutes in the next 6 fixtures. Why am I awake?
I was just about to comment that apparently Arsenal and Villa used up these week’s quota of goals for the entire league.
/Somewhere tWBS looks away from chatting up a waitress with extremely questionable tattoos and makes a dismissive wanking motion at us.
The only thing I hope finds Maupay is the Babadook.
Onana is our last good player, FWIW
“He just nailed that chance!”
-Blair Walsh
I went “nil-nil” in Prediction League for a reason
It’s all that Onanism!
https://twitter.com/TrollFootball/status/1626951488840011776
I am already in a bad mood and this match is sure to have me murderoUs all damn weekend.
I mean, you guys have to play Brighton, Hove, and Albion.
Hardly seems fair.
On another note, how do you say “Prison Girlfriend” in British English? Dungeon Tart? Asking for Jack Grealish…
Lockup Lady of the Evening?
If you’re asking for Grealish I’d just spell it the way he spells everything: D-U-I
“That doesn’t sound right to me, but I’ll have to take your word for it.” – Lea Michele
Lock up Bird.
/ guessing his azz off
I’m up at 7am and I already missed the best lesser footy of the weekend?
Son of a bitch!
Git on proper CHRISTIAN East Coast time, heathen
Yet another example of why EST is the BEST time!
Ha, nope!
No Mitro. No good boss, no good.
Well I say — if you’re going to recruit refugees for your footballing squadron for a match that ended up being tighter than my sphincter after a Sunday Roast, those refugees had better be from Brazil or Ukraine! Kudos to the gents from Ipanema (you know where you’re really from, Jorginho!), as well as our nuclear number 35!
Was Tom Hanks there?
Yes. Apparently a big Aston Villa fan.
How that happened is probably a pretty good story.
Between his acting and his comedy chops, I bet Tom Hanks is a truly fantastic storyteller.
Think Timmy Howard played alongside Handsome Mikel, at least a season or two.
Fuck.
I need a cigarette.
Does Mrs. Horatio know she’s getting wake up sex?
Not yet.
“And probably not after, either”
-D. Favre, Mississippi
Hasn’t el gato heard enough noise this morning?
El Gato has just come back in from his morning rounds. He’s very warm, which means the little shit found a sun spot and took a post-breakfast nap.
Insult, meet injury. Injury, insult.
The empty netter!
Aston Villa earns Football in the Groin for this week.
I liked the Everton-Leeds game, but Arsenal-Aston Villa had football in the groin.
What a diametrically different fixture in quality
I call that winner Ice Cube b/c it’s an OG
What a fucking goal!!!!!
JORGHINO!!!!
(Hope I spelled that right)
Oh and it’s an own goal off Martinez’s head.
Just the chef’s kiss of all chef’s kisses.
I was happy with the additional 6 minutes, but as long as Arsenal isn’t going to use them I’d just as soon go back to bed.
Arsenal: Shut up, Horatio.
Martinez is a right cunt.
Proud that you’ve mastered the vernacular
If you say it like the British or Scots it’s just not as offensive.
Villans win if Arsenal keeper cuts his fingernails
Arsenal could, and probably should, be up 4-2, and could just as easily be down 4-2.
They’ve had the run of play by a lot, but their breakdowns have been spectacular.
Classic “great watch for the neutral”
Goddammit Odegaard!!!
That woke up the household, I am guessing. And scared the cat.
I confined my swearing to the keyboard, but it was an effort.
This is not a game that Ben White’s mom is going to put in the scrapbook.
“Hold my beer!” – Mrs. Tomiyasu, at mid-week
THIS ARSENAL TEAM I CALL THEM AN EVANGELICAL BRIDE ON HER WEDDING NIGHT, BECAUSE THEY CAN’T SEEM TO FINISH WITHOUT JESUS!
About done with Nketiah.
I’d have him leading the line for the Toffees next season (in the C-ship)
Best lge in the world IMO.
We shall do our best to sully that image
Sunderland ’til I die!
Someone on the Everton boards massaged that into “Everton, I Want to Die”
THAT’S GREAT HUSTLE!!
Yeah, he got many +1s
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Goal of the season for the pistols.
I haven’t seen worse finishing than Eddie Nketiah since #382 at the Houston 500.
OK Arsenal, let’s try not to fuck this up.
That’s the same motivational speech I used to give my Little League teams.
Your complex personal jargon for the dwarf’s activities is fascinating.
You do what you have to do to get to States.
The uke with a beaut!
I’ve seen them run that play off corners before, but he’s always kicked it way into the stands.
This is backed by the “first ever Prem goal” call
Angry Mikel surely must be Extra Handsome, yeah? Or does that only work for hot women?
At anger not more handsome, but deffo monsterish. See, Don Draper and Ted Bundy.
But the effect on women may be different. See, Don Draper and Ted Bundy.
“I can fix him!”
Well at least Arsenal aren’t losing their heads and doing stupid things on the pitch.
Oh wait.
Ben White needs to pay the BBC a considerable amount of money to stop showing him getting absolutely abused on that second goal
Ruh roh Gunnerz.
Jesus, the Gunners just cannot get out of their own way these days.
Surprised Balls isn’t a supporter, given how open y’all leave the back door.
Fronk just needs an Odegaard equalizer now
My cat got me up at 7:35 after a late night of poker, (finished 9th in the tournament, then lost the small fortune of $6 playing cash), demanding that be fed.
So I turned on Arsenal literally seconds befor Saka’s rocket goal, so I guess I’m committed now.
Afternoon nap is booked
I hope you thanked the cat!
How could I not?
(Pardon the mess, with the downstairs renovations we have shit stacked *everywhere* upstairs)
I see an ironing board? Is it still 1950 in Connecticut?
Cute kitty, fo sho
There’s, uh, there’s no ironing board up there.
We do have one somewhere. I use it now that I don’t go to the office enough to justify dry cleaning trips. But pretty sure that’s in the basement.
Ah, my eyes is getting old.
He looks like my Henry!
Thanks for the great Saturday night posts all feetsball season, sir Hippo! That pic of the Washington State cheerleaders is my personal “elf on the shelf” and I look forward to its return.
Buck Parlay says: “Pistols finally seem unstuck without Jesus. Let’s go with a 2-2 final with Odegaard and Ollie Watkins to score for $123.”
I erect a shelf for them Cougettes too, chuh chuh
Napoli won again last night. Even if Inter wins today they still trail Marika’s boys by 15 points 2/3rds of the way through the season. I’ll keep a close watch for you guys in case she does any special celebration.
/ hopefully she goes back to her unabashedly topless days
Doing the LAWD’s work once again, good man!
Loogit dem curves!!!
Why the fuckballs am I up this early on the first day of a long weekend. DO BETTER, BRAIN!
existential dread? That usually suffices for Hippo.
545 I am up. Do I have to work tonight? Yep and a double tomorrow. Why? Bwcause I am an idiot with 2 jobs. Will be putting in notice at the restaurant tonight.
I was wondering how long you could keep going. You’re not a young cat any more.
/I remember back in my 20’s I’d be going to school Monday thru Thursday (morning) and then bartending Thursday night, Friday afternoon and doubles on Saturday and Sunday. I was running on fumes most of the week.
I have a month to go I reckon. The resto gig did what it was supposed to in paying off a bunch of money on our former devalued condos. That debt is gone. Wifes bday trip to Maui is paid. I am mid 40s and get volatile as fuck when I work a double.
Oh well, Phoenix for Spring Break then am free.
I can barely half-ass ONE JERB
Yeah, no shit. Us attorneys our Chairman soft.