TRAINING CAMP DAY! TRAINING CAMP DAY! WOOOOOOO

OK, so it’s only rookies (and only nine teams) but FOOTBALL IS IMMINENT!

We finally have some Movement in the corpse of the NFL offseason. Perhaps it’s just maggots and the buildup of gasses during putrefaction, but hey! I’ll take what I can get.

NFL NEWS

FRANCHISE TAG FALLOUT:  The dreaded Franchise Tag was used on six players this off-season. Three (Daron Payne, Lamar! and Evan Engram) reached lucrative long-term extensions with their teams before yesterday’s deadline. As you may recall, the passing of the deadline means the team and player can no longer discuss long-term deals until the following off-season. That means three franchise taggees- running backs Tony Pollard, Josh Jacobs and Saquan Barkley- are staring at a $10 million dollar fully-guaranteed contract to play this year.

Now, normally “take this $10 million” would seem like a relatively good threat to have hanging over you. But this is football, and these are running backs- men whose optimistic expected career duration end at 30. Each is currently 25 or 26, meaning their next multi-year contract will likely be their last. And given the beating they routinely take, running backs 1. seem not to have the happiest post-career health outcomes, and 2. are perhaps the most likely to suffer a severe injury during a franchise tag year, cutting down on the expected value of their next contract.

To me, Pollard was in the most interesting position. On the one hand, Dallas was committed to Pollard as their lead running back with the release of Zeke Elliott (although rumors that Elliott could be resigned persist). On the other hand, Pollard already sustained a recent serious injury (a broken fibula in the playoffs that had to be surgically repaired).  Given that a team can yank an unsigned franchise tender at any time, it made sense for Pollard to sign it early just in case his rehab was slow or unsuccessful. Which is what he did back in March.

Jacobs and Barkley, however, have not signed their tenders, which leaves open the increasingly-rare-but-oh-so-delicious possibility of a Real Holdout. They can stay out of training camp and even miss the start of the season with no penalty other than not getting paid.

For the Giants, this presents some interesting stakes. They just resigned Daniel Jones to a big contract with a (relatively) low cap number this year that more than doubles next year. They depend on Barkley for an inordinate amount of their offense (almost 30% of their total yardage last year) and his skill set is not quite matched by the top available free agent running backs (Dalvin Cook and Elliott). Moreover, second year head coach Brian Daboll has recklessly raised the hopes of the New Jersey fanbase by making the playoffs. If Wall Street’s reactions to earnings reports show us anything, it’s that even if you do well, New Yorkers will crucify you if you don’t do as well as their unjustified expectations. So a Barkley holdout is a legitimate threat to the Giants.

Las Vegas, on the other hand, seems like it has already consigned itself to the whims of fate for this season. Jacobs was even more important to his team than Barkley, accounting for more than 34% of their total yardage. But they got rid of their long-time relatively-solid QB and brought in the corpse of Jimmy G. When their medical exam revealed that Garoppolo’s left foot is likely to re-explode as soon as he steps on the field, the Raiders’ reaction was not to back away and go elsewhere, but to convert every cent into a non-guaranteed contract and sign Brian Fucking Hoyer. They know that if they contend this year, it will be a complete fluke. The only downsides for them are pissing away the last cheap year of Maxx Crosby and Davante Adams, which they can afford when they draft a very cheap new QB next offseason. I love Jacobs, but if he doesn’t show up the Raiders are perfectly content to roll the dice (see what I did there?) with whichever of Cook, Elliott and Leonard Fournette are still available come the end of the preseason.  I would love to see Jacobs successfully pull off what Le’Veon Bell attempted: sitting out and forcing an exit while still in his prime and healthy. Josh McDaniels deserves no better.

At this point, star running backs are the UAVs (aka drones) of the NFL battlefield: extremely important but in the final calculus they are ultimately expendable.

NON NFL RAMBLINGS:

I’m beginning to see how Twitter’s new “say controversial stupid shit and we’ll give you a bag of cash” approach to content creation might make some sense on the surface.  My off-the-cuff random pronouncements of “OVERRATED” and “UNDERRATED” the last few columns (combined with my controversial but correct comments on cheese popcorn) have generated what I can only describe as Deep Content Engagement. According, the floggings will continue until morale improves:

ISSUE THE THIRD: Stuff That Is Appreciated The Correct Amount.

1. Dolly Parton. The phrase “national treasure” gets thrown around too often, but Ms. Parton genuinely is one. I don’t even like most of her music, but I am glad she’s getting recognition.

2. Swiss cheese. It is the go-to cheese in our house. When you need moisture in a dish but don’t want the cheese flavor to overpower? Swiss. When you want a quick snack? Swiss. When you need something no one objects to (looking at you, gouda)? Swiss. Seldom the star, but always the hero.

3. The Toyota Camry. The swiss cheese of sedans, it won’t let you down. No one dislikes it, even though very few think of it as a first option.

4. Paul Goldschmidt. Love him. Great guy. Trade his ass now. Just not to the Yankees or Red Sox.

5. Q-tips. The forbidden temptation. The box says “Do Not Insert Swab Into Ear Canal” but the shape screams “WE BOTH KNOW YOU’RE GONNA DO IT, SO LET’S GET FREAKY!”