I am extremely lucky in that I live within 5 miles of locations for each of the big three “Best” Burger franchises. I speak, of course, of the most overhyped burger places in the United States: Five Guys, Shake Shack, and In-N-Out.
People are forever debating which one is best. They are FERVENT about their preferences and deride the virtues of the others like dumb fanboys.
I will do no such thing.
I have eaten at all three places and I like the burgers at all three. I have a personal favourite burger at all three places. There are certain sides at each place that I like and dislike.
Today, I will share with you the results of, in the words of Hercule Poirot, research most important on the subject of these burgers.
Over the course of a few days (for the sake of my stomach and my waistline) I went to all three and ordered my favourite meals at all three. I am now recounting my thoughts and experiences for you, dear reader, so that you may decide which side you want to take or which place to visit if you were to have a choice.
The Meals
Five Guys: Bacon Cheeseburger (All The Way except no mushrooms), Little Cajun Style Fries, Diet Drink
Shake Shack: Double Smokeshack, Single Vanilla Frozen Custard, Mango Passionade
In-N-Out: Double Double Animal Style, Strawberry Shake
Tale of the Tape
Vital statistics for each meal
| Item | Cal. | Protein | Fat | Carbs | Sodium | Price |
| Five Guys | ||||||
| Bacon Cheeseburger | 1227 | 53 g | 73 g | 62 g | 1897 mg | 13.19 |
| Cajun Fries | 526 | 8 g | 23 g | 72 g | 531 mg | 4.79 |
| Diet Drink | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 10 mg | 3.09 |
| Shake Shack | ||||||
| Double Smokeshack | 830 | 58 g | 53 g | 28 g | 3030 mg | 11.39 |
| Frozen Custard | 280 | 7 g | 15 g | 30 g | 180 mg | 4.59 |
| Mango Passionade | 170 | 0 | 0 | 42 g | ? | 4.19 |
| In-N-Out | ||||||
| Double Double Animal Style | 670 | 37 g | 41 g | 39 g | 1440 mg | 5.25 |
| Strawberry Shake | 590 | 8 g | 24 g | 114 g | 310 mg | 2.85 |
Needless to say, these were the only meals of the day for me on those particular days.
Please note that the Five Guys Bacon Cheeseburger comes standard with two patties. This, of course, is so your friends can call you a pussy for ordering a “Little Bacon Cheeseburger”, which only has 1 patty.
This also means that the comparison is fair as I chose two-patty burgers for all three places.
Let’s get started!
***
Five Guys
Day/Time: Saturday, 11:56 AM
Parking: Super easy. The location is in the middle of a shopping district with large parking lots that allow you 90 minutes without paying.
Order Started At: 11:59 AM
Ordering Process: In person. A lovely young lady named Jennifer (Note : All Jennifers are hot. It is a rule) took my order and did not blink when I requested no mushrooms.
Customizability: You can choose from a variety of toppings for your burger, all at no additional cost but additional calories. The “All The Way” that I got includes mayo, ketchup, mustard, lettuce, tomato, grilled onions, pickles, and grilled mushrooms. I removed the mushrooms because they are an abomination.
They also had one of those drink machines where you select out of 100 different drink options. You can play Frankenstein and mix and match to your heart’s content.
Order Delivered At: 12:05 PM
Customer Service: The above-mentioned Jennifer was very friendly. TWBS would have asked for her number.
Food Experience: The crispiness of the bacon and the meat was nicely counterbalanced by the freshness of the lettuce, pickles, and tomato. The condiments worked as perfect lube to shove this burger down my throat as quickly as possible. On the downside, I needed to shove it down my throat as quickly as possible because the bun lost structural integrity fairly quickly. It started falling apart and pieces of the burger were falling off. I scooped them up to eat them, but still.
The fries were crispy on the outside and soft/fluffy on the inside. The Cajun spice gives them a little kick but it’s not overwhelming. Of course, as it is Five Guys tradition, they give you a shitload of fries.
Another Five Guys tradition is to provide a complimentary barrel of peanuts in the shell with little baskets to use. I grabbed one basket to complement the meal. There is something calm and soothing about cracking open peanut shells with your hands, discarding the shell and the peanut skin, and eating the peanuts. Plus, they were delicious.
The location has one of those Do It Yourself drink machines that give you over 100 flavours of soft drinks. I opted for the Lime Powerade Zero Sugar.
Roadies: I finished the burger but I couldn’t finish the fries and peanuts. I brought half the fries home. I also refilled the basket of peanuts to the brim and refilled my drink with Seagram’s Lime Ginger Ale Zero Sugar and brought those home.
Toilet Time: Cheeks down at 1:29 PM and that’s only because I couldn’t put down the peanuts I brought home. Those things are addictive!
Total Cost Pre-Tax: $21.07
Total Calories: 1753
Calorie Cost: 83.67 calories per dollar
***
Shake Shack
Day/Time: Wednesday, 1:05 PM
Parking: A pain in the ass. The location has a parking lot and it has an overflow parking lot and they were BOTH full. I had to find street parking. Luckily, it was close and free.
Order Started At: 1:08 PM
Ordering Process: I used a kiosk. It worked fine until it asked for a table number and none of the tables had numbers. I chose 0. It did not give me a receipt but instead gave me the choice of getting it emailed to me. I guess they’re saving the environment. Overall, it was fine and quick.
Customizability: You could customize the burger to your heart’s content. I think you can customize pretty much anything on the menu.
Order Delivered At: 1:15 PM
Customer Service: After I ordered, one of the employees saw me looking confused and asked if I needed anything. I told him I was fine but I took advantage and asked him about the table number thing. He said the trick was to use “0” and not to worry because they would call out my name. Turns out I had guessed the trick! Very nice guy and friendly. Excellent customer service!
Food Experience: The cheese on the burger was perfectly melted so it resembled more of a sauce than cheese. Adding in the sauce and the juiciness of the meat, it made for a burger that was creamy and melted in my mouth. It was So Fucking Good! As I ate it, the burger held together pretty well and it was not that messy. I did need to wash my hands afterwards, but it wasn’t because everything was running all over my hands.
The Mango Passionade was tart and sweet and was the perfect complement to the burger as it cut a little bit of the fattiness. The Frozen Custard was thicker than regular ice cream yet had a nice and creamy consistency. Thick and creamy, just like I like ’em! I crammed it so quickly down my throat, I got an ice cream headache.
Bonus: I ordered a single yet got two scoops of custard! That was a nice surprise. I thought I was only getting one.
Toilet Time: Cheeks down at 1:56 PM and that’s only because I had to stop by the post office first.
Total Cost Pre-Tax: $20.17
Total Calories: 1280
Calorie Cost: 63.46 calories per dollar
***
In-N-Out
Day/Time: Sunday, 11:32 AM
Parking: Super easy. The location has its own parking lot and, since most people order drive thru, it was easy to find a spot.
Order Started At: 11:34 AM
Ordering Process: In person. Lana took my order and asked if I was paying with a card. Luckily, I said yes so she could take me right away. I guess one register was for cash and another for card? Anyway, it was easy. She asked if I wanted fries and I said no.
Customizability: Animal Style is already a customization of a Double Double. You can customize pretty much everything at In-N-Out.
Order Delivered At: 11:44 AM
Customer Service: The aforementioned Lana was pleasant and the lady that brought me my order was also very pleasant.
Food Experience: The burger started super fresh with the first bite getting a healthy chunk of the lettuce and pickles. As I got deeper into the burger, the melty cheese and meat fused with the special sauce to give it a creamier flavour. This creaminess lasted until the very last bite of pure bliss.
The burger was easy to eat with no messiness and no lost ingredients. Everything stayed together pretty well.
The strawberry shake complemented the burger perfectly. I took the lid off and drank from the side as opposed to trying to suck it through the straw. Only Nancy Reagan could do that.
It took me longer to wait for the meal than it took for me to eat it. It was so good I could have probably eaten another burger. No second shake though.
Toilet Time: Cheeks down at 12:40 PM.
Total Cost Pre-Tax: $8.10
Total Calories: 1260
Calorie Cost: 155.55 calories per dollar
***
Conclusions
I chose the eating times on purpose so I could compare typical lunchtime wait times. All three were relatively close with In-N-Out taking a little bit longer than the others.
Customer Service was great at all three places. They are famous for a reason. I expected nothing less than top notch service.
Health-wise, you’re eating burgers, so the expectations need to be reduced accordingly. However, it did seem like the meals at In-N-Out and Shake Shack were healthier than Five Guys, Shake Shack’s larger Sodium number notwithstanding.
All three allow you the freedom to customize your burger experience as you wish, so that’s a big plus for all of them.
Honestly, you can’t go wrong with any of them. It really depends on what you’re craving.
Sometimes, the sides make the difference.
I don’t care for the fries at Shake Shack and I can take or leave the fries at In-N-Out. If I really want good fries with a burger I know I’ll like, I’ll go to Five Guys.
No one has frozen custard like Shake Shack. Sometimes you want that treat. If I’m craving the frozen custard, I’ll go to Shake Shack.
It should be noted that Shake Shack used to have “concretes”, which were essentially shakes made with frozen custard and your choice of toppings. Each location used to have their own signature concrete. That all went away during COVID and I’m not sure if they will ever return. It’s a shame because that was another good reason to go to Shake Shack.
Finally, we come to In-N-Out. Let’s face it. I grew up on it. It’s my childhood. It’s my adolescence. It’s my adulthood. I am getting older, so I watch what I eat and I don’t eat burgers very often. When I do, it’s a special occasion.
You know my ass is going to head to In-N-Out for that special occasion!!
Plus, statistically, In-N-Out gives you the greatest value for your burger dollar with a whopping 155 calories per dollar. Just comparing the burgers by themselves, the Double Double was HALF the price of the burgers at the other places. Can’t go wrong with that.
I’m interested to hear your thoughts on the matter.
Only available in Brazil for now. So sad…
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/burger-king-fans-debate-over-sickening-new-barbie-pink-burger_n_64b43f7ce4b0ad7b75f390d6
“Barnacles!” -S. SquarePants, Bikini Bottom
Senor’s burger rankings (no fries, no price)
Five Guys (though it is dense)
Elevation (loses out on toppings choice, but the burger is definitely nicer and you feel slightly less like shit)
Shake Shack
Smashburger
McDonald’s
Wendy’s (close, depends on mood)
White Castle (but if you don’t get a shake god help you from the Murder Burgers)
Burger King
Sir not appearing on this list because I only got the chicken strips/don’t remember
Dairy Queen
A&W
Sonic
Hardee’s/Carl’s Jr.
Sir not appearing because I’ve never been
Jack in the Box
In-N-Out
Whataburger
I remember Dairy Queen serving me a surprisingly good burger.
Instead of the two pillows the Dr. Mrs. ordered (which is two more than we need), Target sent us five. Yay.
Bed pillows on the couch are great, that’s where all my old ones went when I was on my (ultimately successful) search for the best sleeping pillow setup for me
Excellent article good sir, Five Guys every time!
I don’t get grease shits, while it appears that this is a perfectly normal occurance for most people? I guess my body is absorbing all that extra calorie-rich fat as well as being absurdly miserly in expending it despite my activity level.
I don’t get the grease shits either. It more backs me up for a few days. And from the amount of salt in all the foods, i should be drinking way more water to help with the digestion
For me there’s a limit, and Five Guys burgers and fries (the meal, not the restaurant) is on the wrong side of it. That egg yolk sauce at a teppanyaki restaurant will do that too. Mother Nature is trying to tell me something, but I’m not listening.
ETA: my wife is like the Good Doktor Z. Doesn’t bother her. I’ve heard her say on a trip that she was going to make sure she didn’t go #2 this weekend. I’m all, “Can you do that? Because I usually don’t get an option beyond ‘bathroom in 20 minutes, or my pants.'”
It’s a really useful ability, I’m convinced that easing my digestive system into a new place is a big part of the reason I almost never get tummy sick when I travel and eat street food and such
Back in Copenhagen! Next time I go to Greenland I want to go in winter, so will add an extra two weeks weather buffer
I couldn’t get away from Smashburger for a while. There’s one in town. Reddit says, “Perfectly cromulent.”
Smashburger is good, I like the fries and the shakes are decent. But if you want really, really good shakes you go to Cook Out with their 30+ shake flavors plus seasonal specials. The food is good and I can get hushpuppies and a fairly decent pulled pork sandwhich.
https://deadspin.com/i-hung-out-with-dukebags-and-discovered-the-greatest-va-5883076
tl;dr – insane amount of food for not a lot of money. There’s one kind of close in my hometown of Huntington WestByGod (go Herd!), but if I’m going there I’m eating chili dogs.
One chain that doesn’t get mentioned often that has good burgers is Jack in the Box. The Sourdough Melt and the Double Bacon Cheeseburger are outstanding.
It was pretty entertaining to see other chains imitate the Sourdough Jack not long after it came out.
Doing God’s work, Balls.
Ciao Balls. I have a question as we await the arrival of a 5 Guys franchise over here soon. Do they char broil? I’ll eat the hell out of that but Wifeys not a char broil fan.
I saw a flat top in the food prep area. Looks like that’s what they use everywhere:
OK then should be a go for Wifey. Thanks Buddy this one deserves sum sassy nurse Marika.
Nurse Marika can heal me any time. Wow!
They don’t do char broil around here in CT, and I second what Fronk said down below: no one needs the amount of French fries they throw at you. Total waste.
Yes, but for a family you only need to one order of fries for your entire family when you get their burgers.
What he said. A small order is more than enough for two people, and a large feeds four people who like fries.
Saved me money with the kids, just a single order of fries and 4 burgers. Hell, there is one so close that when I made burgers or fried fish I went their to get fries instead of making my own.
[pounds Guinness Draught]
“YOU GAWT A PRAWBLEM WITH PEOPLE WHO LOVE POTATOES? FACK YOU!”
Huh. I think someone collected the text of all 54 Tommy from Quinzee posts:
https://quinzee1.rssing.com/chan-21789955/latest.php
When we get Five guys burgers, the bestest part to me is to eat the burger over the fries so that all the stuff that comes out of the burger ends up on the fries.
But 1000% agree that the bun at Five Guys disintegrates way too quickly.
Trying to figure out what this list would be around me, but it’s pretty bad:
Five Guys ( the winner to me based on the list below)
McD ( the fries suck when they went away from the beef tallow, and the burgers are meh)
Wendy’s ( prob the one we go to the most as it’s close and they send lots of coupons)
Burger King ( haven’t been in years)
A&W ( shoul prob go here more, they are good. And get the root beer too)
Harvey’s. ( good, but the burger gives me awful burps)
You get Wendy’s coupons? I’m jealous. The only decent coupons I get around here anymore are for Del Taco’s double del bacon cheeseburgers, which aren’t really that tasty. But it’s hard to turn your nose up at a BOGO offer. I miss the old days when Carl’s Jr. would sent out $5 five-piece chicken tender combo meal coupons.
I’ve never even seen or been to a Del Taco or Shake Shack or In-and-Out) Stooopid boarders preventing me from turning into Andy Reid.
/prob a good thing
You go to Vegas in November, you can hit all three.
love the shameless DFOCon plug.
/working on it
Why would I want that when I can get the $0.99 shrimp cocktail that looks like it’s made out of bait?
First Place: Wendy burger. Second Place: two Wendy burgers. That’s like eating a boiled hamburger. I like the chili, though. I want to know what’s in the chili hot sauce packet – it isn’t Franks and it isn’t tabasco sauce.
My list of national(ish) chains would be:
Five Guys
McD – the consistency is the reason. A Big Mac tastes like a Big Mac anywhere in the US.
Culver’s – they have a good mushroom swiss burger, and the fries are good.
Burger King – the Whopper is okay.
White Castle – have to be in the mood. Plan on farts from that onion effect.
Tie: Hardees/Rally’s – quantity mandatory, quality optional. I’m not convinced their burgers are made of real meat.
Wendy’s – I’ve kicked Wendy’s around already.
There’s an A&W close to the house, but it’s attached to a Long John Silver’s, so I always end up getting greasy fish & chips instead.
I think I might have to go to Shake Shack this weekend. The one in town is a little ways away. My wife and daughter have been there twice. Spouse says, “You’ve been there before.” I damn sure haven’t. Maybe it was her boyfriend.
And I don’t think anyone here lives up by Akron/Canton. There’s a chain out of there called Swenson’s, which specializes in the Galley Boy burger. It comes dressed with two secret sauces – a weird barbecue and a weird tartar sauce. It works, though. Service is done by old-school carhops that are required to run everywhere a’la Basic Training. I guess they don’t drop you for 20 if they catch you walking, though; they just fire you.
Oh, forgot Steak & Shake. They used to be good, just above Culver’s on my list. Very thin burgers. They made a good patty melt/Frisco melt, and their shakes were good. Their quality has gone way downhill because they want to compete on price.
There might be some Marketing 101 thing there. I don’t bash on Rally’s, because it was kind of cheap from the beginning. But Steak & Shake went from being pretty good for a couple bucks more to crappy food for cheap. The prices are lower, but…
I was about to comment that Steak & Shake was a good burger, but the quality has slid lately.
OrangeJello worked at a burger place called Come Back Shack in Boone, NC that seems similar to Shake Shack.
also never had White castle. For some reason, it’s high on my list of places to try, even tho it’s prob not worth it
Be ready to spend some time on the shitter then, White Castle is 75% burger and 25% grease, and I may be a bit high on the burger amount. I ate their and it took several days before my stomach and colon would forgive me.
Doesn’t get me like that. Maybe because I get the cheeseburger sliders, and the cheese glues everything together. I do have to stay away from open flames and strangers who might be offended by my flatulence.
Look a photo from Yeah Right’s secret files
I saw a witch who said if you eat your burger upside down the top bun absorbs all the tasty fattiness in the bun.
I’m mad I didn’t go to Shake Shack when they had the Hot Ones chicken sandwich, since there’s one by where I work (granted, the school job’s by the WTC, so pretty much everything is there). Five Guys has normally been my preferred burger (and there’s one in the shopping center around the corner) but it definitely gets a bit pricey so I haven’t gone in some time.
This also reminds me of Elevation Burger, which was pretty good when I was up at school, but it seems the one there closed down since the only one in the state is in Yonkers. It looks like they’re primarily the DMV area, so Dok/BFC, thoughts?
Never heard of it. Looks like there’s one in the zoo and in the airport, which honestly is not s great sign.
I’ve never had Shake Shack and look at that, there’s one just 10 miles from me. I know what I’m doing tomorrow.
Pooping a lot?
Double smoke Shack is my choice. The bacon and that cherry pepper relish thing just make it.
The Shake Shack in El Segundo is the superior location for the very simple reason that they serve beer.
That’s a walk off.
I prefer the Shack Stack. That mushroom stuffed with cheese on top of a beef patty works perfectly.
YMMV if you, like Balls, are wrong about mushrooms.
I fucking love mushrooms and no lie eat them 5 days a week every week.
Pasadena location serves beer too!
I had a 5 Guys burger a bunch of years ago when they first showed up in the DC area, not had the other 2. I think the only chain I’ve had a burger from in the past 15 years or so is Wendy’s because there is one right by my apartment if I need a fast meal. Or I guess Nation’s is a local chain.
There was a pretty good burger place in Ilulissat, and it was very reasonable for Greenland prices. Hangout Bistro if you’re ever there.
Opinion: More places should have pretzel buns as it is the superior bun
Pretzel buns are criminally delicious.
[unleashes ork horde on BallsofSteel] – ArmedandHammered
The Inquisition’s Ordos Xenos nods in agreement with BallsofSteel.
Surely the Emperor frowns upon buggery, tho
NEVER!
Senorita Weaselo loves mushrooms. I can’t stand ’em. This is part of a running list of things that are just like this, such as seafood, durian, eggplant, most preparation of eggs…
I’ve gotten slightly better!
I didn’t like anything good when I was a kid, so maybe you’re just taking a little longer to grow into your tastebuds. Making the effort is most of the battle so you’re in good shape!
Bacon on burgers never turns out right (except in a controlled home environment).
DO IT ALL AGAIN AND INCLUDE MCDONALDS!
-Andy Reid to his assistant when asked for his lunch order
Ugh now I want a burger…
– M McCain, finishing her second burger
Five Guys….
GREAT burgers, but the fries thing is ridiculous. No one wants four potatoes worth of French fries with a hamburger. The buns are way too crumbly. And they really need to lighten up with the propaganda decor.
Still haven’t seen a shake shack or in n out here on the East Coast.
[stares daggers westward]
Shake Shacks are creeping East. Theres a couple in Boston that I know of, definitely some in New York
There’s a couple in Connecticut, and I think one of the casinos has one.
I had one down in, I think, Darien once.
Makes sense they would put one in a casino. The Shake Shack in Vegas is actually probably the best deal you’ll get for a meal in that town.
DFOcon trip to Shake Shack.
There’s one a short uber ride away. Near the Stratosphere.
$5 Footlongs at the MGM Subway were running $11 ($18+ for the combo) upon last cheque.
I thought Shake Shack started in New York…
That’s what I thought!
The OG Shake Shack is Madison Square Park, so they better be in New York. I’ve gone there once or twice waiting for Senorita Weaselo at acupuncture.
REALLY??? I thought it was a Malibu Beach thing!
TIL that there’s a Shake Shack here in Columbus. I’d have to pass a lot of Five Guys restaurants and Grater’s Ice Cream places to get there, though.
I like Five Guys, but they’re kind of greasy. ‘Toilet Time’ is no joke for me; don’t stray far from one after you eat there.