REJOICE! FOOTBALL IS UPON US! FOOTBALL IS NIGH!
Preseason football is staring us in the face, and for all its ugliness, it’s good to have it back.
And with the advent of the new season, it is time for TEAM PREVIEWS!!!!
This year, we’ve chosen to open it up for audience participation. Many of our writers got their start with a Team Preview, because it’s a relatively set form that allows for both information and dick jokes. While our Black Council of existing writers has claimed many of their traditional fiefdoms, we have a number still available for rent or purchase, including but not limited to:
C-Hox
Tampa Bay
Los Panthers
jaguars
Falcons
Browns
So if you’d like to try your hand, reach out to me at [email protected] and we’ll get you set up.
NFL NEWS
A couple of weeks ago, I likened running backs in the current NFL to UAVs. I’m now extending the vehicle metaphor to other areas
-For example, THESE BRONCOS RECEIVERS, I CALL THEM “FALCON HEAVY” BECAUSE OF THEIR PENCHANT FOR RAPID UNSCHEDULED DISASSEMBLY! First, wideout Tim Patrick- fresh off rehabbing the torn right ACL that cost him the 2022 season- went down with a torn right Achilles’ tendon that will end his year and potentially his career. Later that day, Denver cut K.J. Hamler while he deals with pericarditis. Pericarditis, for the lawyers in the crowd who don’t do medical malpractice, is a swelling and irritation of the pericardium, known in most medical textbooks as “the heart bag.” It’s not always serious, but I think we all got a fairly good illustration from Damar Hamlin’s situation of the importance of the heart in the modern NFL game. So good on him for getting treated. The Broncos still have Jerry Jeudy and The Unfulfilled Potential of Courtland Sutton, so Russell should still have plenty of talent to miss in open space.
-THESE COLTS RUNNING BACKS, I CALL THEM T-72 MAIN BATTLE TANKS, BECAUSE THEY ARE SURPRISINGLY FRAGILE AND WILL BE THROWN AWAY AT THE WHIM OF A NARCISSITIC MADMAN. Ok, so that might have been a stretch. Fresh off the Great Running Back Zoom Summit, where it was unanimously agreed that they should get paid like quarterbacks and have ice cream every morning for breakfast, Jonathan Taylor had a meeting with noted drug connoisseur and Elvis belt collector Jim Irsay. In olden times (2014), Taylor would be next running back in line for a huge payday after his current contract ends this year. But this is Now. The timeline is fuzzy, but after Irsay made some broadly anti-running back statements and met with Taylor, news immediately broke that Taylor had demanded a trade. News then broke that Taylor showed up with a “non-football” back injury on top of his surgically repaired ankle.
Then news broke that Zack Moss broke.
Moss, acquired last year in a trade with the Most Glorious Bills for the Jet-Ski’ed Nyheim Hines, broke his arm during the first full-pads practice of the year. He is expected to be out 6 weeks.
NON NFL RAMBLINGS:
The floggings will continue until morale improves:
ISSUE THE FIFTH: BEST FILMS IN THEIR SERIES
-Return of the Jedi
-Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
-From Russia with Love
-The Avengers
-Rocky IV
-Superman
-Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift.
-Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
-Batman Forever
-X-Men: Days of Future Past
Jamaica through to the knockout rounds!
Brazil, eh, not so much.
Big ass moon out there tonight.
Batman Forever? Did we get a psych eval?
Was there a vote for Terminator 2? Because here’s one.
Kill Bill V2
The Odd Couple
The Front Page
Buddy Buddy
Fortune Cookie
Grumpy Old Men
Christmas Vacation.
One night on patrol, I was looking for suitable fording sites along a stretch of river. That involved walking around in the friggin river at 3 in the morning. Heading back to the patrol base, as point man, I hit a German cow catcher strand of electrified wire, at dick level, in wet pants. You remember things like that.
Now that’s a man’s story.
The guys behind me could not figure out WTF was up with me. Attempting to maintain noise discipline I was emitting a very painful low cry, while wildly flailing around. Did I mention the single strand of deviously electrified wire was not very visible in the dark? It was a story within the platoon for the ages.
On my sub there was a small head in the engineroom, all stainless steel (the bowl, handrails, sink, etc). A classic gag pulled on new guys was to take a device called a “megger,” which was hand-cranked and generated a current to test circuit breakers, and hook the leads up to the head. When the victim went in to urinate, and was holding the hand rail at the same time, an electrician would give the megger a quick quarter-spin and it would send an electric shock up the stream of urine and into the guy’s penis. Soviet subs that were trailing us could hear the scream.
We did similar stuff with hand cranked field telephones. Nuthin more devious than a bored Joe with unsupervised time on his hands.
Have Ren and Stimpy taught us nothing?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFl7r-IkDs0
…and the catcher takes the mound in the 7th down 13-5. The Seventh!!!
Needs more seal.
-Bible
Hot Fuzz. I will take two questions. Answers: 1. Please and 2. Zombies zombies zombies. What are ya, 13? Pathetic.
The blood and ice cream trilogy goes
1) Hot Fuzz
2) Shaun of the Dead
3) Worlds End.
💯
NO ONE DENIES THIS!
I actually prefer Worlds End to Shaun of the Dead.
Fun story about local radio.
So the host asked a former NFL player (HOX legend Hugh Millen) about his thoughts on concussions and CTE.
Well Hugh Miller, he had some thoughts and delivered.
He started with the analogy about chopping wood. He said if you don’t normally use your hands, say golfing 3 times a week, you’d chew up your hands chopping that wood. Because you see, you’d have calluses on your hands to protect them.
He then extrapolated that to taking shots to the head in practice. He thinks we may look back at this time and realize we made a mistake by not having moar head hits in the offseason to develop a proper brain callus that could withstand a football season.
He definitely has a brain callus.
Oh that is 100% science that a scientist scienced up in a science lab
Oh, also Sharknado 2 is the best installment.
Your disbelief and sharks, suspended
Part II
Oh yeah well I posted this pic on the LA Facebook and got 2001 likes. Smog: Yes. Stairs: ~10%. Camera: iPhone with autofocus technology.
There’s still that many people on FB? Impressive.
IPhone is a kick ass camera. This is a great photo. You should enter it in the Westways contest.
WHERE’S THE POPPY?
Where’s my fucking Westways? And my fucking AAA card, that I’ve told them three times since February I never got. I think they’re sending that shit to Big Bear, even though I’ve told them my new address every time I called. [Shakes fist at cloud]
Just the prominent artist I need as cosigner for my new used car!
(Dm for alias)
Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment
Yeah, its a low bar but it still counts!
[Stephen A. Voice] Explain to me. In what world. IN WHAT WORLD? Is 2 better than Citizens on Patrol!
Waiting for Hooks to speak loud and filthy was worth it. For the last time.
Godfather Part 2
After The Thin Man
Billy Jack
Post without context. The best posts.
Oh wait, this is in the context of the end of the blog. Stupid goofballs got me again.
I think you’ve got company tonight.
Is it me? Because I love me.
Is After the Thin Man the one with Shemp? That’s the best one.
As my name indicates, I’ll officially concur with Wrath of Khan being the best Star Trek movie. As for the rest of my list:
II
VI
First Contact
IV
III
Star Trek (2009)
I
Generations
Beyond
V
Nemesis
Into Darkness
Insurrection
VI over III? Are you mad? Been taking mad pills?
Can’t tell if joking or not. Also, I thought putting Nemesis over Darkness would’ve caused the nerd riot.
Eh. Once you get to the bottom, it’s a matter of which turd is floating higher at any moment.
And I am deadly fucking serious. Not a week goes by that I don’t wish Christopher Lloyd’s Klingon characterization had become the dominant one
I agree. Kruge, Worf, Kor and Martok are how I judge Klingons characters.
I reward acting performances in my list (DeForest Kelly alone is responsible for V’s placement). Just overall, VI was a perfect movie, but III was a great movie.
Was Airplane 2!: The Sequel any good? I only ever saw Airplane!
The sequel was not good
Jesus God, no.
I tried, hell, I WANTED to like it. Nuh uh.
Absolutely not
Surely you can’t be serious.
It had glorious moments. But it’s ultimately disappointing
Prosecutor:
Doctor, can you give the Court your impression of Mr. Striker?
Dr. Stone:
I’m sorry. I don’t do impressions. My training is in psychiatry.
It’s up there with Slapshot 2 and Caddyshack 2 in the “movies that shouldn’t exist” category
I liked it. Had a great tv screen / door gag
Its halftime and the Bears are beating the Bengals by 11 points at Halftime, but a two-score lead is never safe against… What? Baseball? Points scored increments of one? Well, that’s terribly worse then.
I don’t know about Rocky IV, unless it’s best Cold War winning movie in the installment. I’d say, hot take I know, but either the first one, or Creed.
Rocky Balboa is high on the list. Its the Rocky of the Rocky movies.
Rocky IV is great
There’s no way Indy ever got tenure
Stealing artifacts for Whitey got MANY people tenure. Mostly white guys.
publish or perish, snake-fearing attention whore
“I couldn’t disagree more.”
-The whip that he brought to multiple interviews
He’s the only one who knows which pile of debris the Holy Grail is. How do you think those Senators stay old but still technically alive?
What do you mean?
.
eeewww
I guess the Oxy is really kicking in
Just woke up from a three hour nod off due to oxy and vodka.
Time to try that again.
Look, a time traveler.
I regret I can only downvote this once.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Cottony bliss, ain’t it? Have to wash pillowcases more frequent-like, due to the drool problem is all.
Hear me out, as far as Magical Negro movies, sequels and Whoopie Goldberg are concerned, Ghost pales in comparison to Corrina, Corrina.
wasn’t Green Mile the most Magickal Negro??
Reds Management: “We don’t need starting pitching help.”
Chicago Cubs Batters: “We respectfully disagree.”
I posted this photo on a Los Angeles Facebook page last night and by this morning it had over 2000 likes. I posted it here last week and I got a single like.
Look at this image. Stare at it. Become one with it. And there’s no trickery either; I just brought up exposure uniformly (I shot two stops down to avoid clipping the big lights), minor crop and straighten, and a little vignette. That’s all. Of course this is from the Sony A7R3 but it’s the 28-70mm kit lens and that’s not bad. But the secret ingredient is the love and care I put into it. Ha ha I’m just kidding: I hate photography.
Spectacular as always my liege. The light is perfect.
That is Terminal Island in the fog at 4 AM
To be fair, there are a lot more people on Los Angeles Facebook than on DFO.
Percentage-wise, I think you did better here.
You’re the only one who liked my original post.
on a brighter note, I’m still doing heavy research into our writing project:
Is that a Primanti’s sammich in #7?
It is! I drove from Fallingwater to the strip district just to get a sandwich and then drove back to D.C. I still want to go back to Pittsburgh and I’m here for a bit more but I’ll let you know!
Primanti’s doesn’t make the top-1000 places for a good sammich around here. I’ll show yinz around next time.
I like the research!
Why is there a picture of an unaware woman’s ass? Is that part of the photography hobby?
That’s a side shot. Not an ass shot.
I’m a professional. I know these things.
This is an ass shot:
Brick, that’s fucking creepy man.
It’s a great shot, but it lacks butts.
As long as you have your imagination, you never lack butts!
Ass end of a car. Put a like up there.
you win this round adobe
Gorgeous.
This is a great photo Brick
You’re only saying that because you’re high on goofballs. Let’s see a like up there.
My takeaway here, the futures odds on the Broncos are probably nawt long enuff.
Damar Hamlin is the runaway favorite for AP Comeback player of the year at -300 and that seems like a lock. If I were to have some sort of brain attack where I decided putting money on anything based off of asking journalists stuff was even remotely a good idea that’s what I would go with.
Thinking of doing a 4-team ‘make the playoffs’ parlay. There’s one including the Dolphins that’s something like +8010 and so I’ll either win a bunch of money or have a great reason to be angry at Miami
Everyone is always angry at Miami. Ask LOLphins fans.
Hehe nawt. Hehe
The LOLphins is a good bet. Tua stays healthy and that team will be great..
/wife and I are watching Alias Grace
Me: “This is really well done.”
Wifey: “It’s brutal.”
Me: “Jesus! This is not going to end well.”
Wifey: “I don’t want to watch any more of this.”
Me: “Me neither but I’m too far in.”
Wifey: “Fuck. Ok.”
/we’re very close to the end, it’s unrelentingly harsh and disturbing, such a tough watch
I thought edging for you was severing tendons around trainyards…
Knives Out > Glass Onion but both were a lot of fun.
Daniel Craig’s ridiculous Foghorn Leghorn accent should have gotten an Oscar by itself.
I really liked when he pointed out “I’m a detective, not a bodyguard” as a reminder that he wasn’t about to go all James Bond and beat a bunch of people up.
Accurate assessment.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Lpw3yMCWro
I sense the excitement of Philadelphia Eagles fans, giddy over the first preseason win and already planning the Super Bowl parade, oblivious to the disasters that lie ahead.
It’s like the self confidant certainty of the Imperial Japanese Navy just before the Battle of Midway, already planning the victory parades. What could go wrong?
Know what I mean?
Isn’t this the Iggles every season since 2002?
Oh I’d say it’s Philly fans back to 1972, or even more. I was speaking metaphorically though.
Oh sir, Iggle fans know the impending doom of a 10-3 loss to the Giants followed up by a 38-10 shit kicking probably in primetime to the Cowboys.
Friday After Next
As to moviefilms, is obviously:
2: Electric Boogaloo
See, I go Goldfinger. I love From Russia With Love but there’s so much in Goldfinger that I love.
Goldfinger and Goldeneye also got consideration, if that helps.
Police Academy Five: Assignment Miami Beach-Michael Winslow is at the height of his comedic powers and it produced incredible cinema. Let’s watch. [leans in, chin on balled fist, looking intently]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09v8CHGbRsQ&ab_channel=AndromedaFiles
The Dark Knight.
INDICT NIGHT TONIGHT!
Me, arriving home from a very pleasant surf session and hearing the news (artist’s conception):
Oh its fantastic isn’t it?
I just finished reading the indictment. It’s very straightforward.
https://www.democracydocket.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/Indictment-1.pdf
From the outside looking in and taking the long view-serious criminal actions before the courts and their end result are going to be partially (wholly?) determined by the party that advocated for that judge? That’s incredibly scary territory that I think the U.S. is headed towards.
Yup
Hey, it worked for the Romans, Turks, British, French…
I will watch From Russia With Love anytime its on. Robert Shaw is a fantastic villain.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5QT0ry2O78&ab_channel=TrailerParkBoysClips
Maybe it’s just me (my therapist insists it’s just me) but in all of his closeups in all of his movies all I notice are his teeth. It’s weird.
Hey, chiefy.
See! See! It’s True!
I need this print.
https://www.etsy.com/listing/700477333/drinking-buddies-print-quint-pours-a
Also a great villain in The Sting.
His limp in the movie was genuine; he had hurt himself just before filming started.
I fucking love me some The Sting. I still do the high sign to my friends
” Ya fallah?: