The Call Goes Out…Tuesday Open Thread

REJOICE! FOOTBALL IS UPON US! FOOTBALL IS NIGH!

Preseason football is staring us in the face, and for all its ugliness, it’s good to have it back.

And with the advent of the new season, it is time for TEAM PREVIEWS!!!!

This year, we’ve chosen to open it up for audience participation. Many of our writers got their start with a Team Preview, because it’s a relatively set form that allows for both information and dick jokes. While our Black Council of existing writers has claimed many of their traditional fiefdoms, we have a number still available for rent or purchase, including but not limited to:

C-Hox

Tampa Bay

Los Panthers

jaguars

Falcons

Browns

So if you’d like to try your hand, reach out to me at [email protected] and we’ll get you set up.

NFL NEWS

A couple of weeks ago, I likened running backs in the current NFL to UAVs. I’m now extending the vehicle metaphor to other areas

-For example, THESE BRONCOS RECEIVERS, I CALL THEM “FALCON HEAVY” BECAUSE OF THEIR PENCHANT FOR RAPID UNSCHEDULED DISASSEMBLY! First, wideout Tim Patrick- fresh off rehabbing the torn right ACL that cost him the 2022 season- went down with a torn right Achilles’ tendon that will end his year and potentially his career. Later that day, Denver cut K.J. Hamler while he deals with pericarditis. Pericarditis, for the lawyers in the crowd who don’t do medical malpractice, is a swelling and irritation of the pericardium, known in most medical textbooks as “the heart bag.” It’s not always serious, but I think we all got a fairly good illustration from Damar Hamlin’s situation of the importance of the heart in the modern NFL game. So good on him for getting treated. The Broncos still have Jerry Jeudy and The Unfulfilled Potential of Courtland Sutton, so Russell should still have plenty of talent to miss in open space.

-THESE COLTS RUNNING BACKS, I CALL THEM T-72 MAIN BATTLE TANKS, BECAUSE THEY ARE SURPRISINGLY FRAGILE AND WILL BE THROWN AWAY AT THE WHIM OF A NARCISSITIC MADMAN.  Ok, so that might have been a stretch. Fresh off the Great Running Back Zoom Summit, where it was unanimously agreed that they should get paid like quarterbacks and have ice cream every morning for breakfast, Jonathan Taylor had a meeting with noted drug connoisseur and Elvis belt collector Jim Irsay. In olden times (2014), Taylor would be next running back in line for a huge payday after his current contract ends this year. But this is Now. The timeline is fuzzy, but after Irsay made some broadly anti-running back statements and met with Taylor, news immediately broke that Taylor had demanded a trade. News then broke that Taylor showed up with a “non-football” back injury on top of his surgically repaired ankle.

Then news broke that Zack Moss broke.

Moss, acquired last year in a trade with the Most Glorious Bills for the Jet-Ski’ed Nyheim Hines, broke his arm during the first full-pads practice of the year. He is expected to be out 6 weeks.

NON NFL RAMBLINGS:

The floggings will continue until morale improves:

ISSUE THE FIFTH: BEST FILMS IN THEIR SERIES

-Return of the Jedi

-Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

-From Russia with Love

-The Avengers

-Rocky IV

-Superman

-Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift.

-Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

-Batman Forever

-X-Men: Days of Future Past