TGIF! Football is back with almost a full schedule too! On a Friday! No doubt conditioning us for an almost full week of football from Thursday to Monday in the future. I, for one, will not fight this development.

Survival – Personal Edition

Unfortunately, that still leaves a few work days that have to be endured. Instead of putting all your effort into the actual work, though, why not put all that effort into getting promoted and paid more? Here then, are four ways to help that out.

1. Alter Your Business Card
   1. Count the number of characters in your title. Then find an appropriate substitute for one of the words to replace it with. Make sure you match the font type and size. Then look for little tricks like replacing “Assistant” with “Director”, or “Assistant to the President” with “Assistant Vice-President”. The options are numerous, so be creative.
   2. Use a razor blade to cut out the title portion of your business card, and insert the newly printed version. Tape from the back, and make sure the entire back is taped to make it less obvious. Use packing tape here to avoid cut lines.
   3. Practice makes perfect. Modify the newly printed titles as many times as necessary to get the correct look.
2. Use Props
   1. Carry a briefcase. Splurge on a nice leather one. I guess these days, a nice Apple laptop attache. Keep relevant documents in it, so if anyone asks you for something, you can whip it out of the briefcase to show them.
   2. Carry a fountain pen. This is rather old school, but will denote old school money.
3. Look Busy
   1. Always wear a headset when other employees can see you. This makes you look important and necessary to be available at all times. When walking by others make sure to have a loud (and fake) conversation with your headset.
   2. Have a several piles of paper on your desk. Just poke through the LAN and print out several of them. Make sure to rearrange the pile as needed and do not have your supervisor’s or his reports’ documents there except the ones that were actually sent to you.
   3. Several times a day, start typing rapidly. Just open a blank Word doc and go crazy for a while. Keep your eyes focused on the monitor. This will show everyone that you are not only busy, but that you are well experienced in having to type fast to get work done.
   4. First In, First Out. Now the trick here isn’t to work more than 8 hours. Instead, step out midday for lunch and errands. No one is going to notice. But they will notice you are there both when they arrive and when the leave.
4. Start Helpful RumoUrs
   1. Plant messages from headhunters. Have some friends post as phone headhunter organizations. Then have them call the main line and say they’re a fake name from a fake headhunting company. Then have them ask specifically for you by name. Repeat this process by email.
   2. Plant reference checks to HR. After hours, have your great buddies call the HR line and leave messages checking for references for you and that they’ll call back later. Make sure not to leave a callback number, of course.
   3. Make small talk with your supervisor’s assistant. At an appropriate point, bring up that you are entertaining offers from some other companies and ask their advice. Only do this if you’re sure that assistant will get word back to the boss.
   4. Talk to people in other departments. Let them know you think major changes are coming in your department and ask if they’ve heard anything about it, and what’s going to happen with your supervisor’s office.

These tactics should cause enough chaos in the office to at least be fun. But it could also give you a substantial promotion and raise.

Survival – Preseason Edition

As you’re reading this, there’s actual football like substances being broadcast on the TV. This is a short and not regular section of this series, so enjoy while you can.

1. Immunized Packers vs Redshirt’s Existential Calf Issues
   Available on NFL Network
2. Gigantes vs Knee Biters
   Check local listings
3. Dirty Birds vs LOLphins
   Check local listings
4. Grey Dicks vs Brady’s Most Recent Divorce
   Check local listings
5. Ex-Snyders vs #ThePauls
   Check local listings
6. Donks, WOO! vs Bidwell’s Travesty
   Available on NFL Network

Do NAWT bet on preseason football please. We care about you. Unless you’re Phil, then bet everything you have, we don’t care.

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Survival – Species Edition

Time to put the sexy in Friday!

Enjoy the weekend, folks! Alright, now let’s get to the comments!