First of all, happy LaboUr Day. I hope you have a totally, not-communist holiday experience, unlike those inopportune May Days over at Michael Flynn’s. But there’s a bit of class struggle thingy that merits consideration.

This RBs are interchangeable narrative is… I hate it. It’s a self-fulfilling capitalist market prophecy, of the soft-collusion kind. Any stathead / fantasy football GM knows there is a gap, real and wide, between top RBs and the rest. Choosing a mediocre RB over studs like Derrick Henry* is penny-wise, dollar fool shit. So many NFL games come down to getting first downs and maintaining possession–that’s what good RBs do! Just pay them, but historical precedents says it will not happen overnight (source:

).

* or whomever you foolishly think is better than Derrick Henry.

And speaking of Derrick Henry, I would like this opportunity to affirm, with complete conviction, that Derrick Henry is one of the most amazing athletes in the history of sport. This will be an ongoing topic, perhaps against your will, with stats and comparative studies that, in comparison, renders Jim Brown like a f… F…

[reconfirms date of death and obituary]

…fat. Fatty, slow and amorphous mass of blubber, waddling through the gridiron like a lost baby pigeon dropped carelessly onto the asphalt by his overbearing mother.

Oh, so you would like me to consider the different eras and not dodge your punch to my face…

Annual reminder: El Tractorcito turns 29 next January BUT Mike Mularkey kept him bolted to the bench behind Spray Tan for his first two seasons. Bury mister Henry’s career at your peril. His understudy is rookie Tyjae Spears. I saw Spears’s preseason highlights. In fantasy, I would’ve traded for him off ya in a fit of self-sabotage.

On to matters of more general interest, the Titans get three Prime Time games for 2023:

a.) London Mandatory Ravens “@” TEN – Week 6

b.) Thursday Night @ Steelers – Week 9

c.) Monday Night @ Miami – Week 14

So those three games, yeah. I can definitely watch them. It gets dicey for the other 14 games because Sunday Ticket is a legal impossibility in this Caribbean Paradise:

Via WhoAskewStudios. Have a complaint? Email to noreply@.🖕🏼.edu

To be clear, I root for the Tennessee Titans and emotional stability is not a personal goal. I still stand by both statements and add some Internet heresy: appreciate what you have instead of complaining about what you don’t have and railing against every completely obvious slight per your nic-gum-addled mind. So then, positivity and crap. Let’s start by admiring the refuse.

The Titans will have a completely refurbished offensive line that has been touted as the worst on the NFL for 2023. Sharp folks concur.

To be fair, it’s not a consensus view. These folks rank the Tits OL at 30^th. I am rooting for 1^st round pick Peter Skoronski, who is expected to start at Right Guard. Swing O-lineman Aaron Brewer is promoted to center, itinerant Eagle tackle Andre Dillard gets the LT spot. The right side will be manned by Daniel Brunskill (RG) and nine-year veteran Chris Hubbard. Regular RT Nicholas Petit-Frere is suspended for six weeks for gambling at team facilities. In sum, about the OL, let me just add

.

The Quarterback room is composed of Ryan Tannehill, Malik Willis, and Will Levis. Last year Tannehill got injured and Malik Willis performed as a complete liability. Sure, terrible QB play by the Titans is a common sight. Two-tone blues have draped the bones of Kerry Collins and Matt Hasselbeck, Clipboard Jesus was a regular starter for the Tits, and Tennessee has also employed Zach Mettenberger and the QB with the name that accurately depicts his competence: Rusty Smith. Last year, Malik Willis was worse than all of them.

Overall, Tannehill has been a solid QB for Tennessee. The mortal sin was the INTs against CIN in the 2021 Divisionals. (THAT was gonna be the Tits’ year; but live in the present and fuck the fucking past, amirite? HUH!) What sticks to me about the Tanny Regime is: he’s played bravely. Now he’s on the last year of a LOOKIT THESE DUMBASSES contract. I trust Tannehill’s professionalism. Unless his O-Line pushes him into retirement by Week 4. Malik Willis is QB2 and had a notable preseason. Will Levis, an Academic All-American and rookie, completes the QB room. In sum,

At wide receiver, WR DeAndre Hopkins is a starter.

Excited about DeAndre Hopkins' role in the Titans offense; he's set to be the focal point and receive a plethora of targets. #Titans pic.twitter.com/GTflOjD5Cs

— AlvaresSportsNews (@AlvaresSports) August 23, 2023

Consider me sold on Nuk. I mean, psht. No way Imma agonize over it before a single snap is played. Titans have a new O.C., Tim Kelly, formerly of the Texans. (Oh, the talent drain.) My test of whether Kelly is a worthwhile OC will be how many times Tannehill or whomever just slings it away to Hopkins and let him fight triple coverage. Cover your eyes, Bills fans:

The link says blocked by the NFL. Yep, the Lee keeps pushing me into transforming fall Sundays into social occasions, unrelated to fitbaw. I just might, Commissioner. Why not even pursue romantic outings if, say, the Tits start 2-6. Make no mistake: I will get fall 23’s share of crying from somewhere, with or without you, NFL.

Wait. Where’s the rails? Ah.

[Steps over] Nuk Hopkins was the splash signing by new GM Ran Carthon. He has no contender to the WR1 spot. ’22 1^st rounder Treylon Burks (IR), got carted off a joint practice with the Vikings on August 16. Burks starts the season in IR, which means he could be activated after Week 4 for his injury to… I don’t know. The Tits staff are omertà-ing the shit out of the story, which is what they usually do, infuriatingly.

I had to go to the Sporting News, still a thing, for a report that Burks “has a sprained LCL, a minor ligament issue that will keep him out for a few weeks”. (Incidentally, fantasy sites getting the player injury scoops is a great… Great portent for modern media.) Other receivers include the pride of Indiana University, Nick Westbroook-Ikhine, uhh… Rookie Kearis Jackson, and

30-year-old former Texan Chris Moore.

On the other hand, 2^nd year TE Chig Okonkwo did a lot with 46 targets last year. He’s the sole buzz getter of the Tits offense. Aside from Nuk which, you know… Nobody wants another Randy Moss / Julio Julio scenarios.

The 2023 Tennessee Titans defense is great. At DBs, FS Kevin Byard’s name has not been misspelled the last two years in the ceremonial “You Should Pay Attention to the Titans” column that comes out around Weeks 7-13 after TEN strings a coupla victories and tops the ghetto known as the AFC South. (But next to the NFC South, the AFC’s South is a carpetbaggers’ Airbnb complex—but enough digress.) SS Amani Hooker and CB Krisitian Fulton could be starters on any team, and looking at the rest of the depth chart for defensive backs [mutters mutters]…

At LBs, Tennessee let David Long go and replaced him with… Hmm. This seems like a refurbished crew too, albeit with proven or promising talent. Newbies include rookie Jack Gibbens, Arden Key (from JAX), Trevis Gipson (Chi****), and Azeez Al-Shaair (SF). Dependable Monty Rice is back with TEN and Harold Landry III returns, the latter from ACL surgery. Landry was having an All Pro 2022 until the injury, so I’m rooting for a solid second place to Damar Hamlin for CPOTY.

And now let’s turn to the defensive line,

Uf. Starters are: Denico Autry, certified menace JeffEry Simmons, and at NT, the soon-to-be misspelled Teair Tart, whom I predict will be 2023’s Kevyn Baird. My faith on TEN’s D on short yardage stuffs is unshakeable. The D as whole, and D-Line in particular, rewards cheering for Tennessee.

Special teams! TEN hired K Nick Folk, hoping for mediocrity or more this season.

Some data confirming what you probably already know:

Since 2019, the #Titans:
– 74 made field goals are 10 fewer than the franchise with the next fewest
– 102 FG attempts are fewest in the NFL
– 72.5% FG% is worst in a league where only 2 other teams are below 80%

— Nick Suss (@nicksuss) August 28, 2023

Punting, well… Since conception, Titans DFO has been a House of Net & Inside the 20—or, to be precise, Chez Weapon in honor of [curtsies] P Brett Kern. So you can imagine that I was mighty pissed when, in a fit of capitalism, TEN cut The Weapon last year in favor of then-rookie Ryan Stonehouse. Well, I hate to get all vulnerable and feelings and stuff, but it was jarring. I was more than jarred, actually. The cutting of Kern hit me so deep that I could not even muster the energy to use the news as a pretext for going preview-truant last year.

Once released, Kern, to his credit, declined signing with Buffalo in 2022. I mean, psht. It is decidedly less awesome to be associated with the Bills than with the Tits. Kern did punt for the 2022 NFC Champs Eagles. Was Kern’s punting in Philly Weapon-grade?

By which I mean, I’m happy for Kern that he got to the Owl before retirement, and lost. Winning would’ve made him better than the Titans and that is an emotional line.

And hey: if you don’t follow sports as it were a toxic, codependent relationship, I mean why the fuck even root for a team that NEVER loves you back? So you don’t need to frame team victories as cosmic validation for blind loyalty and sloth. How grand. Say, you sound like a reader–there, I said it. Nah AH. It was YOU who made me say it. Reading… I mean, what the, pffffft.

Anyway, in 2022, the Titans’ rookie punter Ryan Stonehouse downed a third of his punts inside the 20 and–AND–he broke the NFL yards per punt record:

1.) Ryan Stonehouse – 53.1 (2022)

2.) Sammy Baugh – 51.4 (1940)

So it’s official. Throughout the whole DFO Era (adless since 2015©), the Tennessee Titans have been tops in punting. (Frequent 3 & outs beget excellence, people!) So please, keep enjoying the amenities of this old sanctuary, under new administration: Stonehouse’s Chez Weapon. Admire away or keep in your lane. Let us connoisseurs appreciate a field position battle and the odd safety after a vicious* D takes over deep in opponent’s territory.

* 2023 update: All projections inapplicable if D is gassed by mid 2^nd or 4^th quarter after allowing only field goals after turnovers by the Tits O.

All things considered: I’m fine with a professional kicker, a historical punter, and a solid defense with playmakers at all three levels. That is soothing jasmine, if the 2023 Tits were an aromatherapy candle, but the rest of the organization has the acrid whiff of [deep sniff] wet leather and Rebuild.

For me, this is a sure bet: the Titans do not have on the roster their starting QB for both 2024 and 2025. Short of Tannehill getting TEN to the AFC Championship, the Titans will tender him a t u note after this season. The developmental pipeline consists of a “please be competent” prospect (QB2) and a scrambly egghead (QB3). On the other hand, the current O-line is a Frankenstein of promise, prayer and bead curtains. This truly offensive trench also portends to be a black hole of top draft picks for the next coupla years. Friends, these are the asbestos and fire hazards of many team dismantlings. And Tennessee has a new GM, who usually puts the current HC on secret probation.

I don’t think there’s a clear chain of command between owner, head coach and new GM Carthon. When Carthon was hired back in January, he talked about bringing players who fit “Vrabel’s system”. So it’s Vrabel’s Perfection board and Carthon rummages for pieces in the waiver salvage and the NIL factory. Carthon did say that at the introductory presser, so that might be “I’m a team player” lip-service to start smooth with the current decisionmakers.

Gut feeling is: with the owner, Amy Adams Strunk, Vrabel is a tad over GM Carthon. The last GM, Jon Robinson, hired Mike Vrabel. The chain of command was clear, but them and the media made the effort to be seen as tight dude bros in all football matters. Vrabel did not throw shade on obvious draft misses (like the worst first round pick in history), and always spoke of unity with his GM. But 2022’s offseason AJ Brown trade to Philly changed everything.

During TEN’s negotiation with AJ Brown in the 2022 offseason, Vrabel said that Brown was not on the trading block “as long as I’m the head coach“. Which OK, could be a power move, ‘cause coach don’t sign checks. But 21 days later, Robinson pulled the rug under Vrabel and fans, and traded the best Titans receiver evah for an open bag of pretzels sticks and a warm Squirt. (Fact check: Treylon Burks, inconclusive –> stet.) On Week 14, the Titans traveled to Philly. AJ Brown played like he was avenging his mother in a 35-10 absolute pasting and GM Robinson got fired immediately. It was surprising, because there was no reporting on prior tension. But there was no doubt that the firing was the result of spite and blame-shifting. Which I liked. Vrabel moved like a corporate operator, going straight to his supervisor’s supervisor and pleading “Amy, Jon [Robinson] filled my receiver room with mooks and drafted future XFL running back Malik [Willis]. Of course we won’t win! [Perplexed but virile stare lingers…]” At least according to a Tuesday Week 15,  ’22 narcotic haze voice note I made to myself.

Everyone loves a dramatic “I quit”. Yes, but I also say there are deep pleasures in fitful firings of ego-driven saboteurs, firings of the “Get out. Now. Once you leave, we will Agent Orange the YOU out of this operation”. With the AJ Brown trade, Jon Robinson went the penny-pinchin’, “You’ll see, TRUST me” route, and failed at the bargaining table and on the football field. He had to go.

Vrabel is next on the firing line, but right now he’s in a Anna Nicole Smith phase with a billionaire scion of the petroleum industry. So then: I think Carthon will get at least three drafts (two more to go), but Vrabel might become a Jeff Fisher-like lifer with AFC South success (not hard this year), players playing hard for him (so far), plus media love—plentiful at present, per Belichick-adjacent media boner. (Fact check: totally –> stet.)

Vrabel, however, is not a, how you say… A completely agreeable fellow. The last two seasons, the Titans have played the largest number of players because of injury replacement. As the article notes, Vrabel places the blame on players’ lack of off-season conditioning—which strikes me as too company-line-ish blame shifting. Tennessee’s training staff is never blamed for anything, which is terrible. An atmosphere of zero accountability has failed even geniuses of the stature of Dr. Moreau.

In actual shenanigans, last year’s Titans OC, Todd Downing, was stopped by police for a DWI and ended up spending 48 hours in prison. It was a celebration; the Titans defeated the Packers in Lambeau on TNF Week 11 and it seems the drankin’ started on the team plane (which may be an NFL conduct thing, unless it was Budweiser). The Titans fired Downing in—ah, aaah

Damn, pollen be happenin’. Heh heh. Anyway, Tennessee fired Downing in JANUARY, 2023, leaving him as coach during the legal stuff (which was both ignored and swept under the rug), and through a pathetic 0-7 finish. Downing is now on the Jets and I hope his rehabilitation extended to not calling 1^st and 2^nd down runs to set up 3^rd and longs EVERY GOD DAMN TIME. Derrick Henry is an otherworldly athlete, yes. But he’s not a god damn magician.

Schedule Assessment: The Titans play the NFC South, AFC North, @ Saints, and vs C-Hox, aside from divisional cousins. Of Tennessee’s last seven games, five are at home—including a potential All The Marbles Week 18 JAX @ TEN Assico. JAX has to play KC and the Bills, so this does not seem that far fetched.

Predicción: I will be open to self-delusion after the Week 7 bye. And most deffo will get NFL Red Zone. We are in Week One. Praise Gamblor.

Banner via @SkotArmstrong; all gifs via giphy.com.