Bring Me Cop Speed …Tuesday Open Thread

Chris Johnson isn’t dead or anything. I just always loved Cop Speed as a nickname. Like, yes, it’s genesis was racist, but you gotta acknowledge a great handle when it comes along. The best part of Hippo Thoughts is figuring out who the hell he’s talking about.

NFL NEWS

-Nick Chubb: ded. He blew out his knee. While I weep for him and my Oldest Fantasy Team (McCaffrey, Bijan Robinson and Chubb), I do appreciate another piece of DeShaun Watson’s scaffolding being kicked away from under him.

-Steelers offense: ded. Despite being saved by two defensive touchdowns again said ded Browns, Pittsburgh continues its descent into obscurity. They are averaging 48 rushing yards per game on 3.1 yards per carry. So they are not running often, and they are not running well. You know it’s serious, because Mike Tomlin has invoked Mojo.

“We have to get our mojo back,” Tomlin said Tuesday. “We got to get that mojo that we had in the preseason where we’re playing fast and fluid with confidence, individually and collectively.”

So the Steelers would be fine, if only they were allowed to play the vanilla defenses staffed with camp bodies every week. Good strategy. Good talk.

-Saquan Barkley: not ded? Apparently the gnarly-looking ankle injury that Barkley sustained over the weekend “feels a lot better” according to bro-at-the-vape-store Brian Daboll, and he may actually play Thursday night against the Niners. That sounds…reckless, frankly. Short week, star player, easily-aggravated injury, game you likely have no chance to win. It feels weird to call a man who could break me in half ‘fragile’, but Barkley’s injury history suggests maybe you treat him a little more gently?

-30-year Patriots season ticket holder Dale Mooney died at Foxboro on Sunday doing what he loved: starting some shit and getting beaten up over it. Tragic, yes. Mooney kicked it after being punched in the face by a Dolphins fan, which is uncool. However, an eyewitness account suggests Mooney started it by grabbing a different fan and starting a fight.

-Another proud moment in Buffalo Bills gameday parking lot history: a 29 year old guy was found naked and covered in shit trapped in a 30-40 foot hole on the site of the Bills’ new stadium (formerly a parking lot) while the home opener was kicking off. Dude was wasted on an impressive cocktail of LSD, coke, alcohol and Beef on Weck. (H/t Low Commander for calling this to my attention).

WHAT’S ON TONIGHT?

WNBA First Round Playoff double header on ESPN: Washington Mystics vs. New York Liberty (6 pm Central) and Atlanta Dream vs. Dallas Wings (8 pm Central).

-It’s the first round. Washington and Atlanta both finished under .500, and I don’t expect much of a fight here.

Best American Chinese Food:

(note- I don’t want to fucking hear about how the hole-in-the-wall place down the street from you does the best X in the universe. This is about the Platonic Ideal form of each dish, where you step into a restaurant with no prior knowlege and have to choose)

1.General Tso’s Chicken

2. Sweet and Sour Pork

3. Sesame Chicken

4. Eggroll

5. Mongolian Beef

6. Beef and Broccolli

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