Not gonna lie, I’m going to wing these games. Facts and stats can vamoose!
To The Games!
Fins/Bills:
Contrarians (ya gotta love contrarians. Or do you?) are saying that this is going to be a low-scoring tilt. I say Fie! Aw crap, I remembered a stat. Of the last 9 teams to score 60+ points in a game, all but one lost their next game. Or something like that.
Broncs/Bears:
Oh dear. Two teams in complete disarray and the questions just keep piling up. I’ve the notion that Denver gets right this game but have nothing upon which to base it.
Ravens/Browns:
I’d like for this game to be played in a muddy back alley during a thunderstorm. Why won’t the NFL answer my emails? The Browns D is playing on another level and Baltimore always shows up for division games. First to 3 scores wins?
Steelers/Houston:
I picked Houston to lose because Mike Tomlin. He’s avoided a losing season every single year because he always wins the games he’s supposed to win.
Vikes/Panthers:
So little to chose between here but I’ll take the firepower of Cousins/Jefferson to overcome Minny’s porous defense.
Rams/Colts:
Is Indy the sneakiest good team in the league right now? That’s what Irsay’s bottomless pill bottle is telling anyone willing to listen. They ambushed the Ravens at home in the opener, have a good defense and received more than competent play from their backup QB. Still, I need Kyren to score me some points in fantasy.
Bucs/Saints:
Hey, it’s the New Orleans secondary, also called “The Mike Evans Cematary”. Jameis gets the call for the Saints and he better not get any big ideas in his head because when he does the interceptions flow like spice on Dune.
Commies/Eagles:
Philly should make short work of Washington given how Howell played last week. Four interceptions vs the Bills is the kind of performance that might crack a young qb’s confidence.
Bengals/Titans:
I call the Tennessee D “The Dichotomy” because you can’t run against them but can pass to your heart’s delight. What say you spend your first 4/5 picks next year on cb’s and safeties?
Keep it moving, keep it moving.
Buffalo has the dreaded 21 points lead. Miami has the Bills right where we want them
*28 points
Go Fat Humps?
but seriously – what a fucking stupid, panicky play. You just can’t do that, as a professional footballer.
Reminds me of Eli and Peyton just “taking the L” – way too few QBs just take the L.
I don’t care if you’re rich and have Redzone, just switch to Broncos/Bears!
No worries, RedZone is showing everything there.
Aaaaaand the Bears are back in the woods.
Oh, Bears.
Made me think of Wade Philips and found out hes stuck in the XL now, oh bother
D-O-N-K-S!!!!
THAT is what we want from Strawberry Fields!!!
(yinzers laughing at the bears and the chase claypool situation)
bears: *plays uno reverse card* welcome to titty kissin szn, bitches
Just wrapped a thing, I see the Bears jumped out to a lead and are working on shitting it away?
nah, donks still got that shitty d
OR!!!!!!
ah, fields remembered the tank!
Remember remember the tank of September
The woods shitting season and plot
I see no reason the Arlington Heights treason
In September or October be forgot
You spoke too soon.
Not so fast!
since the Seahawks are MNF, today is like a freebee day drinking day!
/drinks all the drinks
//passes out after two drinks day and misses all the football
let’s go to the tape!
Pretty sure that Joe Burrow is going to be needing some of that tape after today.
The 500s are used to having their tittttaaaayyyyys kissed, at least
This is the Buffalo fan bitch who stole my seat when I went to get another beer.
Karen vibes from that visor.
Wait. You know someone that wears a visor that isn’t an asshole?
Not cool.
Time to loudly reminisce about Scott Norwood and wide right
Drag her off and beat her ass.
South Africa having their hands full with Tonga.
Broncos/Bears features a lot of scoring but it feels like the kind of scoring that would happen after 2:30am after the bar closed.
Joe Burrow just got flattened like Judge Doom was in Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
Time to just start streaming QBs against the Broncos
Bengals Injury Update:
T. Higgins (OUT)
C. Taylor-Britt (QUESTIONABLE)
J. Burrow (PENDING)
“Getting a full helping of Braxton Berrios is an important part of a healthy fantasy football diet! Don’t forget to add skim milk.”
-General Mills marketing department
So, the Broncos-Bears game. What…?
nathaniel hackett redemption game prologue
Back within TWO SCORES of the worst team in the League!!!
they are figuring if you are watching it you have a very abstract appreciation of football
It’s abstract performance art like the murder junkies
Commentator: “I don’t understand this penalty on the Bengals. Let’s go to the rules expert for detailed explanation.”
Rules Expert: “I have no [bleeping] clue what they called.”
Vance Joseph can’t possibly survive the week, can he?
One hopes not. But Fatty McGoo doesn’t admit error readily.
Stagger the fookin’ games! I’ve access to 5 and they’re all on commercials.
/this has been “White Folks Problems”-stay tuned next week when I complain about not finding shitake mushrooms at the grocery store half the time I bother to look for them
“Chinese markets” hippofant, the nearest one is in Toronto, five hours away.
I can’t imagine any place 5 hours from Toronto without a Chinese market that’s closer. Sudbury? Kingston? London?
Anyways, if you’re buying dried, you might be able to find a place that ships too. Not sure how that’d work out price-wise though.
Sudbury is an hour away but has no noticeable Asian community. Kingston is 7 1/2 hours away (drove my son there for school) and London is 6+.
/I’m glad we’re dialing down into my offhand joke though
I got you, fam: $3.99 a bag at whatever-the-fuck-this-place-is-in-Sudbury: https://youtu.be/emTJH6oBkpc?t=221
Looks like they got sliced and whole.
Well, look at that!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sl751CDdRZI
We’re everywhere. Raising your kids and cooking your beef and broccoli.
plus all the feed for your sled dog team
Quite the “HOLD MY BEER” weekend for HippoTEEMZ:
Friday – NC State
Saturday – Very Disppointing Everton
Sunday – Donks New Nadir
Assuming Monday will be heat death of the universe, and frankly I would welcome it
/just saw a PSA thingy-
PSA: “I know drugs are out there. As a responsible parent, what should I do?”
Me: “Educate them. Make sure they get the good ones.”
also, sharing is caring
Judge Jeudy, quiet quitting
Did he tell the trainers that he sprained a groin in his neck?
I’m going to go for a walk. In traffic.
Be advised-beware of the spark of high-heeled boys.
Miami can have all the speed they want but if the guys in the secondary want to tackle at waist level, well…
sad that the bears are nuking their tank (and the vikes are hurting their other one)
but lol sean is eating all the shit
Henry’s a better jumpasser than the hoodie murderer!
This is a thing I can’t square in my head:
1.) Henry rarely catches the ball out of the backfield
2.) Every time I see him catch the ball out of the backfield it goes for tons of yards
DonT is going to have one of them “call yer doctor” erections
If it lasts more than 4 hours after the game, he better.
Between Diggs, Thielen, Jefferson, and Addison, who the fuck is Minnesota’s WR scout and why hasn’t Bellichik paid him millions of dollars yet?
For the 2nd time, White stopped inside the goddamned 1.
Happy Hot Sauce Expo Day! Even if we had a late start to it because I didn’t want to drive and the south Brooklyn buses are apparently all types of fucked right now. More updates forthcoming, and in Wumbo Wednesday’s House of Pain update because I should do that at some point.
Overall, how is New York doing? Is there any action plan to get rid of all the water on the land, yet?
THIS MIAMI DEFENSE, I CALL NICK CANNON BECAUSE THEY ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO WRAP IT UP FOR PROTECTION
I’m watching CIN @ TEN plus Redzone gimmeabreakimcivilzed. But methinks MIA @ BUF is gangbusters. Yeah?
[waits for Nathaniel Hackett to throw Payton under the bus, thus restoring balance to the NFL universe]
Terron Armstead is more fragile than a Republican at a pro-Trans rally. Dude is always getting hurt.
or a republican in a library
I see shitty Kirk Cousins showed up today.
The Immodium is only good for so many games per season
Cousins and Mayfield throwing back-to-back end-of-half interceptions on Redzone reassures me that the universe is still on track.
Nice Kip up by Uno.
I’m starting to think the Titans are better than the Rams.
There was a pregame item about TEN having a shade tent, not CIN. Instead, the Bengals got Embrace Helios Your God by Dehydratin’ brochures.
I’d take the Over, is all.
I mean, Mike Brown could have paid for his own if….merde, can’t even finish the sentence without hysterical laughter
Josh has really takin ta floppin. He should play footy.
🎶El Tractor ci ito. Oo oo🎶
My waiver wire machinations for the MRSA defense is working in Vodka League (though was predicated on Crab Legs playing). Too bad fuckall else is/did.
KingHenrydown. Passionfruit mojitos for everyone!
For a Capitalist, Thurston Howell is doing quite well for the Commies this week
“A little limited Capitalism is good for everyone!”
-excerpt from The Tao of Winnie The Pooh
Jake From State Farm is banging Kelce’s mom???
Last day in paradise but the hotel has Redzone!!
(at least you can watch some non-Iggles)
That’s why it’s paradise, folks!
A now manageable 3rd and 18