Paradise By The Dashboard Light: 2023 Carolina Panthers at the Bye (and Open Thread)

MAYHEM’S 2023 PREDICTION: “6-11. It’s not going to be a pretty 6-11 either, and without a first rounder next year, I wouldn’t hold out much hope there either.”

HOW’S THAT LOOKING?: Even Worse! The Panthers are 0-6, showing almost no signs of life on either side of the ball.

So: meatloaf. Or more accurately Meat Loaf, Jim  Steinman and Ellen Foley (perhaps best known as Markie Post’s forerunner on Night Court). And Phil Rizzuto.

I have a somewhat ambivalent relationship with the album Bat Out of Hell. The broad, pseudo-operatic grandeur assaults the senses. And sometimes you want that! But at other times it is A Bit Much.

“Paradise by the Dashboard Light” is no different: it’s long, repetitive, brash and feels very proud of it’s own cleverness. At its core, of course, it is a song of unbridled teen lust: two seventeen year-olds fooling around in a parked car and negotiating with each other (and their hormones) the terms of going “all the way”.  The Young Lady sets the condition as a promise of marriage, at which point the Young Gentleman must choose: his penis or his freedom.

I couldn’t take it any longer
Lord I was crazed
And when the feeling came upon me
Like a tidal wave
I started swearing to my god and on my mother’s grave
That I would love you to the end of time
I swore that I would love you to the end of time!

To his credit, the Young Gentleman follows through with his pledge. However, both now regret their decision, “[p]raying for the end of time, so I can end my time with you!”

Now, I hear you exclaim “Wise Reverend , why the fuck are you babbling at length about wheelchair rock in the middle of a football blog?”

To which I respond in 3 parts:

1. Yes, I took my meds;

2. I am setting up an analogy between the teens in the song and the Carolina Panthers: their eagerness in pursuit of immediate gratification overwhelming their sense, leading to a situation where they ultimately regret the price they paid; and

3. That hat looks ridiculous on you.

ANYWAY: the point here is that Carolina got The Blue Balls bad last offseason. And no wonder: a parade of Darnold, PJ Walker, Will Grier and The Corpse of Cam Newton would frustrate anyone.

Sitting at #9 in the Draft, it looked like they would be getting the last of the top QBs (Young, Stroud, Levis and Richardson) if they were lucky. So GM Scott Fitterererer decided to Be Bold and trade with the Bears for the absolute tippy-top draft pick.

And like Young Studley in the song, Fitterer gave up an awful lot to get what he wanted. Last year’s #9 and 61. This year’s first rounder, currently sitting at #1 overall. Next year’s second-rounder AND DJ Moore, who probably could have drawn a high second rounder by himself at the trade deadline.

Look: five games (he missed one due to injury)  into a rookie season with an inherently bad team is no time to make immutable judgments on a quarterback. And judged on the Rookie QBs Thrown Immediately to the Wolves scale, Young has not utterly failed: 63.2% completion rating (though averaging under 200 yards per game) 6 TDs, 4 INTs. With Miles Sanders injured and a bunch of That Guy receivers, he could be worse.

But that’s the problem: Throwy Smurf came at too dear a price to be “OK.”  This team is riddled with other holes, and Young is going to have to be the second coming of Aaron Rodgers in terms of elevating teammate play for them to have a chance. Because of the draft capital it took to get Young, those holes are going to have to be filled by late-round surprises and cast-off free agents. Why cast-off free agents? Because the Panthers can’t afford Premium. They are already projected at 80% of next year’s salary cap without even counting the franchise tag they may need to use on their only good player (Brian Burns). “Hoping a bunch of guys exceed expectations” isn’t really a strategy for running a team, and if Young doesn’t start flashing potential before year’s end, I would not be surprised if Fitterer gets shown the door.

Not that the rest of the team is covering itself in glory. Frank Reich has ceded playcalling duties to offensive coordinator Thomas Brown, which must hurt on a visceral level for Reich.

And oddly enough the defense- expected to remain a bulwark against disaster again this year- has been terrible. They’re giving up hunks of yardage on the ground and in the air, and getting very few turnovers. That’s not great in any scenario, but when you are last in the league in opponent’s starting field position, it’s fatal.

Is this Lions-like winless streak sustainable? Sadly, probably not. The hardest part of their schedule by far is behind them- the Cowboys, Texans and Packers are the “class” of their remaining opponents. That being said, if they manage to lose the Nov. 9 Thursday Night Toilet Bowl against the Bears’ undrafted rookie QB, they have a real chance to shit the bed all the way through to the boxspring.

Fun note: due to both Carolina and Chicago being dogshit, the Bears currently hold the #1 AND #2 picks in the draft.

REVISED PREDICTION: 4-13.

NFL NEWS:

-Anthony Richardson: likely ded. A sprained AC joint in his throwing shoulder has probably ended the Colts rookie’s campaign after parts of 4 games. Richardson has at least been interesting, and whether the rest of the season is spent on rehab or surgical recovery, it may be to his benefit. Considered the least “pro-ready” of the top QBs in the draft, Richardson should have been carrying a clipboard this season while Gardner Minshew auditioned for his next backup role.

-Rams RB Kyren Williams: ded but getting better. Surprise bright spot Williams will likely be sidelined for the Steelers game with a sprained ankle.

-Christian McCaffrey and Deebo Samuel: not as ded as expected. The Niners may have dodged several bullets, with Samuel (and LT Trent Williams) now considered day-to-day and Run CMC potentially missing only one game (if that) after a brutal day against Cleveland.

-Julio Jones: still ded, but they signed his corpse to a contract anyway. The Philadelphia Eagles signed Jones to fill the hole left by Quez Watkins’ trip to IR. AJ Brown gets reunited with his Tits teammate- let’s see if they have more success here.

-Trevor Lawrence: ded inside, but otherwise OK. Despite having knee ouchies, Flow Jr. says he may be ready for Thursday night. If not, CJ Beathard will get one more chance to beat it hard.

-Grover Stewart: suspendered! Colts nosetackle Grover Stewart (pictured)

has been suspended six games for PEDs. Low key but talented as a run-stuffer, Stewart is finishing up a three year deal. Obviously this is a big blow to Indianapolis’ ambitio…oh, wait, no.

 

WHAT’S ON TONIGHT:

SABRES HOCKEY!

Tampa Bay Fuckwads vs. Most Glorious Hockey Sabres (7:30 pm Eastern, 6:30 DFO Standard). ESPN.

Yes, Buffalo has gotten off to a slow start, but NEVER DESPAIR! The Lightning are weak team born of a degenerate town, with the stink of desperation and gas-station-bathroom cologne about them. GOODNESS SHALL TRIUMPH!

 

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; aloof yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called some of these things.
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Brick Meathook

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2Pack

Enlightening Rev. I too believe that Grovers stuffing abilities have been grossly under reported. And Oscar’s nickel package coverage, shamefully overlooked.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This is the rule 34est comment I’ve ever seen on this site

2Pack

What is rule 34?

BugEyedBoo

If it exists, there’s a porn of it on the internet.

2Pack

I see.
I am a pretty dim bulb at times.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Next and likely last homemade cocktail of the night: Paper Plane.

So much better than the last one that I don’t even know where to start.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Start at the beginning.

Brick Meathook

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WCS

Your younger days?

Brick Meathook

I like the serious look on his face. He has no idea what he’s doing but he knows it’s a big deal, and he’s totally digging the power of the gig.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Turn hard to pawboard!

Doktor Zymm

Can you use an apple airtag if you don’t own any apple devices?

Last edited 1 year ago by Doktor Zymm
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Just get a lojack

herodotus450

Other companies make basically the same thing, which probably work with Android phones. Tile used to be the name of one of them.

Doktor Zymm

aware, but the whole deal with those things is they rely on the devices around them, and there’s a shitton of idiots with iphones, so airtags are quite good in the US

Brick Meathook

Here’s a flashbulb from my arsenal.

It’s a GE 25B “press bulb” in a polished Graflex reflector. This was the standard lighting for most newspaper photographs from the ’30s to the ’60s.

Despite my extensive vintage camera collection (and they all work perfectly), I never take any photos with them, Instead, I take photos of them with my iPhone.

Go figure that one out and then get your Ph.D in whatever, Dr Freud..

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WCS

FUCK YEAH AYO’S GETTING A HAWKEY FIGHT

Mr. Ayo

Appears that will be the evening’s only bright spot.

Well that and mercilessly booing Makar.

Doktor Zymm

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Sometimes it’s true that everything is shit

WCS

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2Pack

Newz… We kin uzzz…

Brick Meathook

I saw this in a strip mall on Sunday. Not sure what they’re selling here:

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WCS

Deleted Monty Python sketch?

Brick Meathook

I recognize the words but not the order they’re in

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You all weren’t helpful, so I made this for the first time: https://kindredcocktails.com/cocktail/end-road

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SonOfSpam

Good news everyone!

Goodell has reupped and will be Commish through 2027 at least.

Wait, that’s not good. Oh well, the beat goes on.

Redshirt

Is this racist or funny?

IMG_2627.jpeg
Brick Meathook

Funny

ballsofsteelandfury

Very funny

Brick Meathook

My paternal grandfather, Senor Gancho de Carne de Ladrillo, immigrated from Spain to work on the Panama Canal. He would have laughed heartily at this.

2Pack

Probably a Mexican American business. When I lived in El Paso I found them to have a clever self deprevasing sense of humor.

Mr. Ayo

It’s that season again. Time to release the Kraken.

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Redshirt

Okay, but only if thou must.

Doktor Zymm

Don’t know why you need to lock them up, seem to be quite well behaved when released

WCS

That kind of compliancy is why this isn’t the first iteration of Lowratio.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Today has been shit and I don’t see it getting better. Cocktail recommendations?

Note: question not directed to Brick

Doktor Zymm

I’m having an apple brandy with soda and lime

Brick Meathook

That’s a great question. Thank you for asking it.

This is good stuff here, with advanced additives that are particularly suited to your situation. I would add three crushed up Oxycontins plus fresh squeezed lemon juice, served in a chilled snifter. An unfiltered Lucky Strike cigarette pairs well for a sophisticated experience.

https://i.postimg.cc/xdTjq8qc/brake-fluid-jpg.webp

SonOfSpam

I just opened a beer. Beer is good.

fleshwound_NPG
Doktor Zymm

Ah yes, because it is always a good idea to destroy the desirability of a product before charging for it

WCS

Carl would love to talk to Musky.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Not even this guy thinks that’s a fair price.

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SonOfSpam

WOO Ice Rams currently not losing at Ice Blue Bombers.

SonOfSpam

She Wants Revenge is Joy Division without the “gonna hang” foreboding.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We ran into this lovely woman (Stefania Spampinato) while walking the dog. The Dr. Mrs. says I was too aggressively friendly (I mentioned remembering her, since this is the third time we’ve encountered her). I’m annoyed because I think that kind of assessment is entirely up to Ms. Spampinato’s attorneys and whichever judge is assigned to review the restraining order application.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Well, if that’s her in your bathroom and you took the photo, I’d tend to agree with the Dr. Mrs.

SonOfSpam

It’s funny that she added all those other letters to her last name to pretend we’re not married.

Horatio Cornblower

The Roomba had her cornered.

Doktor Zymm

Apparently I can use United miles to go see Queen in Chicago. Skeptical that I would want to see whatever the current incarnation of Queen is

King Hippo

That “Tear You Apart” song is fucking great. :Bat Out of Hell? NAWT so much.

Hippo got his 4th COVID shot and his flu vaccine tonight. All the One World Government expects of us is perfect obedience.

Brick Meathook

I got my 4th Covid shot yesterday, my flu vaccine last week, and my 10 year tetanus update ay the same time. I am the anti-anti-vaxxer: I have had every vaccination known to man, and I still have all my shot cards going back to pediatric care. My naval vax records impress civilian doctors because of the sheer variety, including vaccinations for The Plague, Hoof & Mouth, and Feline AIDS.

tldr: I have had every vaccination ever and I’m only a little fucked up

Doktor Zymm

I love getting vaccines, it’s like a super power you don’t have to be tormented enough to drive the plot of a Marvel movie about

BrettFavresColonoscopy

What I like most about you are the things Aaron Rodgers hates the most. Vaccines and that you still talk to your family.

Brick Meathook

I don’t have a single bad relative.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The Rodgerses have one.

WCS

HAWKEY

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ballsofsteelandfury

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Last edited 1 year ago by ballsofsteelandfury
litre_cola

Mrs. Cola watch British Bakeoff, and now Canadian bake off. I just wish in episode 1 when introducing folks it went like this.
“Peggy is a high school teacher from Brandon Mb, when not in class she spends her time microdosing and travelling. Recently she just got back from the UK where she went ‘dogging’. Good luck Peggy”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

There’s a Canadian bake-off? This I must see!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ah. I see that I’d have to jump through a single hoop to make it happen. Too much trouble.

Doktor Zymm

Ah, I see the immovable object has met the stoppable force

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think you’re being overly generous with the whole “force” part, but yes.

Horatio Cornblower

Joke’s on you, Rev.

I’m not even wearing a hat!

King Hippo

Lowratio likes it bareback!