Wumbo Wednesday With Weaselo: 30 Questions for 30 Teams (or, sorry everyone, it’s an MLB preview!)

Yeah, since the season starts tomorrow (non-Korean games edition), it’s something to farm #content with. Teams will be in standings order from last season, division by division. So, without further ado, and dodging your rotten tomatoes and full alcohol containers, let’s do this so we can get to complaining in the comments:

-New owner (because Angelos sold, and then died), and then the unfortunate tragedy of yesterday: So, we should all just pencil the Orioles in for the pennant now, right?

-Considering we are once again underestimating them, are the Rays are gonna win 85 games and flirt with WC3 or 95 games and flirt with the division? (Because devil magic.)

-When do we see the movie, Blue Jays? Unless it was meant to be shit by the Not Ready for Primetime Players the whole time. You lost a postseason to the Twins, and that’s grounds for permanent ridicule.

-Gerrit Cole’s already out for the first two months, DJ LeMahieu’s out. How many times is this going to happen to the Yankees, except for the answer being every goddamn time for the remainder of Brian Cashman’s reign?

-Can tickets for the Red Sox homestand first weekend of June get super cheap? Asking for a friend. (I’m the friend, I’ll be in the area for a friend of Senorita Weaselo’s wedding.)

-The Twins actually won a game in the postseason. And a series! But seriously, did an SNY writer have them winning the pennant over the Yankees? Like, not gonna lie, I’d be happy for them, but, seriously.

-Could the Tigers, who’ve been the wait and see since their last pennant, make the playoffs? All it would cost was one Miguel Cabrera retirement!

-Why couldn’t the Guardians have changed their name back to the Spiders like everyone wanted? Yeah, there’s the worst team ever ignominy, but everyone knows that was because of “a lot of fucking collusion” (technical term).

-Good god, what are the White Sox doing, that they haven’t done for the majority of the last century of their existence, except for 2005?

-Speaking of what I said with the Tigers, copypaste with the Royals except they actually won a championship. Also, if they build a new stadium and don’t have a shit-ton of fountains we riot, correct?

-Can this please be the year the Astros go to Hell and/or die? Peace be upon you, and as always, Fuck Altuve.

-Hey, how many times has the reigning World Series champion gone on to host the All-Star Game? Let’s see, the Giants (1933-34) and Yankees (1938-39). So… 2, and they were back in the pre-integration era. Also, can the Rangers make it two straight? (I am of course referring to the New York Rangers following suit with the Texas Rangers’ championship, not the fact that nobody’s repeated since 2000.)

-All right Mariners, if you do this shit again you go into the Blue Jays pile of Not Ready for Primetime. So, Julio and co., how are you going to let us all down this year?

-Imagine the Angels make the playoffs without Ohtani? Spam would be hysterical.

-Can Fisher sell the Athletics? Las Vegas is the “so fetch” of MLB. I SAID FETCH, GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER.

-I look at the Braves and I think “considering they have everyone locked up, what can they do to tweak anything else?” You know, like perennially winning 100 isn’t enough. But in fairness it wasn’t enough for the ’90s.

-I haven’t seen Phillies new 1B Bryce Harper in 1B action. Does he remember:

In fairness, Bryce was a catcher in HS, so it’s probably fine.

-Is this the year the Marlins finally win a division title for the first time in their existence? Well, no. But I like making that joke that they have 2 World Series championships and zero division titles.

-What even are the 2024 Mets: Are they a team fully rebuilding, or a team battling for the Wild Card?

-If I had a lesser shit-ton disposable income to get into jersey collecting, I’d get a Nationals City Connect with the cherry blossoms. That’s not a question, just a note that it will be ending after this year, and Fanatics sucks. Still not a question, unless the question is, why do these new unis suck so bad, and what isn’t in the business of enshittification?

-Well, Corbin Burnes is gone, so I guess the Brewers suck again?

-Shit, does that mean the Cubs are the favorites in the Central? To the extent one can be favorited in this division.

-Elly De La Cruz: Future of the Reds or the next Aristedes Aquino? Okay, that’s a little harsh.

-Oneil Cruz: The best player named after a player of the Yankee dynasty (because Jeter Downs isn’t it, and Jasson Dominguez is named after Jason Giambi who was after that.) Uh, what was my question about the Pirates?

Cardinals Devil Magic Redux? That’s all you need in terms of questions.

-Did Ippei take the over or the under for the Dodgers? Probably bet against him, considering all the debt.

-Hey, the Diamondbacks got Jordan Montgomery. What else do they have as an encore to last year?

-The Padres managed to hilariously underachieve last year (82-80 record but a 92-70 X-W/L), and then traded Soto for the Yankees’ pitching depth. So, how do they find a way to underachieve again?

-The Giants are gonna be good again. But dark horse division good? I mean, the Dodgers are slated to run with it again.

-The last three years the Dodgers have been thwarted in some way by the other three teams in the division. Okay, less so with the Giants who won the division but lost the NLDS. But anyway… Rockies upset the Dodgers in the NLDS? (…No.)

Okay, that’s enough taking the piss to do instead of, like, a real prediction (like the Braves over the Orioles in the WS). What’s on tonight? Baseball starts tomorrow, the Sweet Sixteen is tomorrow.

Icy Flight
Bettman Point Supreme vs. Northern-ish Florida Man (BOS vs. TBL, 7:30, TNT)

Crystal Flight? Sure, for Billy
Perennial Underachievers Invitational: Clippers vs. 76ers (7:40, ESPN)
KD’s Current Team vs. KD’s Next Team? (PHX vs. DEN, 10:00, ESPN)

Lesser JV Tourneys, aka the Search for 69 (Nice) (NIT Quarters)
Fallen Tarkanians vs. THE BIG EAST STILL GOT ROBBED (UNLV vs. Seton Hall, 7:00, ESPN2)
Mid-Major RAM IT vs. Secular Big Love (VCU vs. Utah, 9:00, ESPN2)

Yeah, it’s a light one. A veritable Smarch smorgasbord awaits tomorrow!

5 4 votes
Article Rating
Senor Weaselo
Senor Weaselo plays the violin. He tucks it right under his chin. When he isn't doing that, he enjoys watching his teams (Yankees, Jets, Knicks, and Rangers), trying to ingest enough capsaicin to make himself breathe fire (it hasn't happened yet), and scheming to acquire the Bryant Park zamboni.
Subscribe
Notify of
61 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
blaxabbath

THIS GUY JOE LIEBERMAN AT HIS HOME IN THE RIVERDALE SECTION OF THE BRONX I CALL HIM BALTIMORE’S FRANCIS SCOTT KEY BRIDGE BECAUSE HE WENT DOWN QUICKLY THIS WEEK BUT IT WILL TAKE NORTHEASTERNERS YEARS TO RECOVER FROM THAT FAILURE.

Last edited 7 months ago by blaxabbath
Brick Meathook

I just made a late-night snack of French bread spread with creamy Jif peanut butter and Nutella.

”I pity the fool you don’t eat this”

https://ibb.co/brty4Bm

blaxabbath

Thx 4 mlb update.

Brick Meathook

Pro tip I just figured out:

You earn more Delta miles flying LAX-DCA through Atlanta than going through Milwaukee or Detroit. I always avoid Atlanta, yet do the math. It’s a longer route.

I hate a layover in Atlanta. It’s Coca-Cola and Popeye’s Fried Chicken for two hours, but I have to admit there are some pretty girls there.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Let’s have a DFO meet-up in Long Beach!

Easy access from all the DFO communities, according to my calculations. This includes Arizona, Illinois, Maryland, Connecticut, and Canada.

I nominate Joe Jost’s bar in Long Beach.

yeah right

I love that place. Pickled eggs and fresh roasted peanuts in the shell.

Brick Meathook
yeah right

My mind is so blowed up I’ll have to get back to you.

Home safe.

Brick Meathook
Gumbygirl

They gave Martha Reeves, of the Detroit Vandella’s, a star on the Hollywood sidewalk today. I went to a Jaguars game where she was the halftime entertainment. Briefly. She came strutting out and said Hello Miami! The crackers were not amused. They booed her unmercifully until she and her Vandella’s ran off bawling. I felt sorry for her, it was pretty grisly.

Brick Meathook

Everyone who has a star on Hollywood Blvd is buried beneath their star. They have to insert the coffin vertically into the hole for obvious space considerations.

Not many people know that fact.

2Pack

Not Huge Heffner, he’s buried on top of Marilyn Monroe.

Brick Meathook

OR IS HE?

Brick Meathook

The Three Stooges have a single star on Hollywood Blvd and are stacked five deep (when you include Shemp and Curly Joe). The authorities at the site were concerned about hitting deep utility infrastructure, until someone reminded them that this was Los Angeles and there wasn’t any deep utility infrastructure. Later, a subway was built, which washed away the remains of Moe and Larry.

Horatio Cornblower

I love this new ad for some office product where they use it to get out of a 4:55 meeting to discuss scheduling.

Here’s how I get out of it: MEETING INVITE: 4:55 Thursday. RESPONSE: Declined

Doktor Zymm

SUGGEST NEW TIME: 4:55 am

yeah right

Dude. There are so many old acid heads here.

Gumbygirl

At Laurie Anderson? Shocked! [ Not Shocked] Hope you are nicely toasted, that should be a great show.

Doktor Zymm

So, who’s gonna vote for RFKJ? I mean in general, I already know no one here is that nutbagged

Horatio Cornblower

I’m optimistic more potential GOP voters will go to him than disaffected Dems. He’s batshit insane and way into conspiracy theories, (and HGH), and that demographic is far more Trumpcentric.

Doktor Zymm

There are a couple swing states that I think coud go either way, the far left always had it’s share of antivaxx crazies, they just got overshadowed

Dunstan

My guess is not that many people. A few of the losers who typically vote third party anyway or don’t vote at all. A few former Trump voters who just can’t bring themselves to vote for Trump again but are terrified of the woke socialist Big Pharma conspiracy. And a few Democrats who are pouting about Biden’s stance on [fill in the blank: Israel, vaccines, student loan relief].

The stereotypical “old school Democrat who will vote for anyone named Kennedy” are probably mostly already Trump voters I suspect.

Doktor Zymm

Apparently he’s polling at 10% nationally among people who respond to political polls. At this point I think that the Venn diagram of those people and people who give financial information to Nigerian Princes is a circle

Dunstan

Yeah, I pay no attention to third party poll numbers this early. You offer a bunch of people the options of Trump, Biden, and SomeRandomName, and ~10% are gonna say SomeRandomName just to express their distaste and/or their fierce independent individuality blah blah blah. A lot of people are still under the impression that Trump and Biden aren’t really going to be their parties’ nominees.

blaxabbath

I never voted for a winner before and i sure as hell ain’t about to start now!

Fronkenshteen
Horatio Cornblower

That seems…off.

rockingdog

Found a funny:

“You’ve got it so easy,” says the generation who had liquid opium over the counter for coughs and tummy aches

Don T

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What’s a better cocktail for celebrating Lieberman’s death – martini or Manhattan?

Dunstan

A Ned Lamontini

Gumbygirl

Yes. Good riddance to him, the king of the DINO’s.

Doktor Zymm

Just mix them both up in a bucket?

Horatio Cornblower

I’ll be pouring a bourbon, straight up.

Not overthinking things here, just really glad he’s dead.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I went with a martini.

Mr. Ayo

Coward

yeah right

Off to DTLA for a night on the town.

This could be epic.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Woo hoo!

comment image

Brick Meathook

yee haw

9tWQYE.gif
yeah right

Arrived!

Doktor Zymm

Don’t do anything the rest of us wouldn’t do! I actually don’t think that limits your options at all unless the plan was to wear a lot of pants

Dunstan

Maria Sakkari lost in the Miami Open, but I’ll still post her photo here so the DFO shoulder afficionados can all be winners:

sakkari.jpg
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Who’s staying up til 130AM PT to watch Collingwood v Brisbane?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wait, Brisbane is a place? I thought it was an herb that you put above your door to keep rabbis away.

Doktor Zymm

Looked into going to a Cubs game this weekend, but their home opener isn’t till Monday. Oh well. I am clearly devestated.

yeah right

Might be really cold this time of year.

Doktor Zymm

Nah, 50s except rain saturday

King Hippo

Just noticed I forgot to take my cell phone off mute (after my noon conference call). My noon yesterday conference call.

Hippo Takes Reclusing Serious-Like

ballsofsteelandfury

Fallen Tarkanians is beautiful.

scotchnaut

I give it 4 out of 5 chewed towels.

King Hippo

An accomplished musician should NOT be such a genius-level writer. TOO GALDURN MANY TALENTS, Weaselo!!

Brick Meathook

Fran Tarkenton is beautiful too.

https://ibb.co/DkNgT0f

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I bet Joe Lieberman was a huge Henry Kissinger fan and it’s neat that the two of them are going to be reunited in the afterlife.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I bet he wasn’t!” – Shohei Ohtani, taking any action he can get

Doktor Zymm

I would apologize to whoever ends up sitting next to me on this flight for the large amount of very garlicky garlic fries I just ate, but I’m not actually sorry and I would do it again! It’s not like I just breathe all over people anyway, that’s just creepy

Gumbygirl

You should make out with them.

Mr. Ayo

My very good friend has a new book out!

comment image

Doktor Zymm

Will this be a series with different types of Cowboy Dances? Or perhaps the next one will be a Funny Astronaut dance?

Mr. Ayo

I can never predict his next move.

https://deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com/bookstore/

Don T

🥰