Congratulations, everyone. We survived with limbs intact. A little after this time tomorrow there’ll be football. Not with reserves, not with maybe-gonnas or never-will-bes, or UFL fodder. Actual football. Good quarterbacks! Good teams! In a stadium where the color green is technically allowed even if nobody would wear it because why would you do that at Arrowhead or whatever it’s called now? There’ll be pomp, circumstance, timing to see how long it takes before we instinctively put the TV on mute because someone won’t shut the fuck up! Unnecessarily long national anthems! Probably other crap as they try to make it the second iteration of the Owl (though obviously not the same level of pomp and circumstance as the Owl).
Meanwhile, in the last gasp of the offseason, people got paid. Such as:
–Pat Surtain II (4-96)
-Michael Carter II (3-30.75)
-Cam Heyward (3-45)
-Trent Williams (3-82.66)
And General Davis Mills signed with the 500s to be Stroud’s backup.
What’s on tonight?
Baseball:
AL Central (Inflationary) Battle! Not the Spiders vs. Royalball 2.0 (CLE vs. KC, 7:40, FS1)
Clay Holmes’s Blown Save Counter (currently at 11): (NYY vs. TEX, 8:00, Prime)
White Sox Badness counter: 109 losses, 12 straight. (Would need to go 12-11 to avoid losing 120 games and debating who was worse between them and the expansion Mets who did go 40-120 so they’d have 2 more wins in that case. 10-13 would make them definitively worse than the ’62 Mets, while 8-15 would give them 38 wins and a worse percentage than the 1916 Philadelphia A’s, which was because Connie Mack was broke and had to go fire sale on the A’s.)
Women’s Lesser Footy: U20 Women’s World Cup
Kaiserins vs. Princesses (Germany vs. Nigeria, in progress, FS2)
Morocco vs. United States (9:00, FS2)
Senor not at the draft (because I’ll be playing whatever wedding I’m playing until 10:15). Can I draft from the bandstand? WE’LL FIND OUT!
T-minus 5 days until I with forethought throw myself into a giant cigar tube filled with weirdos, just like me for 11 hours. Now I’ve flown to Atlanta and Philly roughly 5 (Let’s be fair by the time you load and beg to please be released? Shit feels like forever) hours, but never for 11, non-stop hours.
What happens if you have to poo in space?
I can only do my dailies in a safe and protected manor but this abomination?
Bust a stinky on a dirigible?
Dok, I seek your guidance more than the rest.
If shitting isn’t allowed, why do they even have bathrooms on planes? Drop that deuce if you have to, and then strut back to your seat with toilet paper crown on your head like the fucking hero you are!
.
It’s worth it to get an aisle seat so you don’t have to talk to people before getting up to go poo or walk around or whatever. Wear shoes to the lav, that’s probably not water on the floor.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dnWwbqP6dV4
Considering just roughly how much I literally ended up pissing away, at least I am not a gambling addict.
Love using The Stooges.
I joined the Eliminator thing., because I’m defenceless against peer pressure. I’m just a girl who can’t say no!
https://youtu.be/CIrvSJwwJUE?si=hDpqE1foPewS-NiJ
BeerGentBobby is projected to go winless, which is funny, but it won’t be funny when he beats me Week 1.
/eagerly awaits Yahoo’s AI draft grade
“You remember Hiroshima? It’s worse than that.”
“Hiroshima may have been a war crime, but at least it was able to defeat thousands of unarmed civilians which is more than we can say for your fantasy football team”
Since when did Curtis LeMay start grading fantasy teams?
lol browns
last division win
Wow. The giants have been in hell.
Although at least the last time they won the division they also won it all
“Hey, look, ‘Mr. Late To The Party’ just arrived!”
“At least we’re not the Jets!” — Official slogan of the Miami Dolphins
Balls got an A plus and I play him week 1. Great. Grand. Wonderful.
They said his draft was ass and he took it as a compliment.
I’m so fucked
B- I will take it!.
B- huzzah
Yahoo clearly doesnt like the “draft the handcuff” and “take the TE on IR and stash” draft strategy. D+ my ass…
Slightly ahead of my D!
Unless I’m very much mistaken, you don’t have a D. Neither do I, and that’s what I got in my draft too. Notice none of the actual dudes did. Hmmmm…
“I got a D-”
-Deanna Farve
I cackled when you took A-Aron, I had thought about it the pick prior.
It psychically hurt
“I” got an A
/autodrafted
//love how even when it reached for a player its my fault
Pulled that out of your ass.
Yep, surprised that I don’t totally hate my team
.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJnaoA2clVs
It’s my birthday, and leave it to a Marine to know I love that movie.
That and Die Hard are the two movies where I openly root for the villain.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KyDkH1yUeE
Die Hard With A Vengeance is the best one in the series though
I don’t recall ever getting a C or worse Yahoo grade, but I think I will break that streak tonight.
Draft over, time to rosterbate
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqEa-mR3Ah0
Not me on the Acela tomorrow
I have RG4 and a stale, innoculated fart as my QBs. I’m sure this will go well.
Cannot wait to get my grade!
I waited so long on QB I got Stafford and the guy they traded for him.
I had first pick in my fantasy draft. I took McCaffrey. So expect him to get hit by a runaway dinosaur as he comes out of the tunnel for the first game of the season.
Lets see if my zero kicker strategy pays off
I see your zero kicker and raise you…Zero Defense!
edit/ I ran out of rounds-it happens
Got me some Taysom Hill I did…
Double threat to disappoint!
Under Where?
This guy’s channel is all about die cast racing cars on tracks he printed out. it’s amazing.
https://www.youtube.com/@3Dbotmaker
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ybz6q34xA0&list=PLMmd10177iHsNgILFlhqXmqoNP3QTZO8s&index=10
Rumor is I’m starting another lap around a burning ball of gases at point today.
I definitely feel more optimistic than the previous three. For instance, I’m harnessing my vast resources of self-loathing for (mostly) good now!
Happy (unconfirmed) Birthday!
That’s a Balls Birthday right there!
Ha, I knew it was yesterday or today, because it’s the same day as one of my siblings. Yesterday was my sister’s, today is my brother’s. Happiest Birthday to you!
If you press on Cousin Itt, he will dance for you. My Giffer seems to be broken
Happy Birthday, Your Lordship
Congrats on your continued spirograph through space!
Happy birthday WCS
Happy Birthday Bro
This whole “i’m not giving a fucking fuck about what my mothers and sisters do, or not do” attitude is very liberating
Try extending that to all of humanity. It works for me!
They were the last few remaining people in humanity that I actually gave a fuck about. Now it’s down to my three boys, my wife, my dog, my best friend, bourbon, and assorted pills. And the entire cast of Shoresy.
Not us?
To be fair, we’re all imaginary
Damn! Forgot to include you miscreants in that list. My apologies.
Good on you!
Wait, Zed Zed Topp are still performing? How goddamned old must they be?
The bass player/sometimes singer is dead years old, so the other two are doing better than him at least.
Sharp Dressed Corpse?
Relegation, here we come!
10th pick, on my way!
Commies employee suspended for generally trash-talking the NFL including the following glorious quote which proves none of us could ever hold down a job for a team:
‘Enteen also said in the video that Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones “really runs the NFL. I think he hates gay people, black people.” He called Goodell “a $50 million puppet” and said the NFL’s social justice efforts were performative.’
The whole Pearsall shooting thing is super crazy. Looks like he might still start in game 5 when he comes off the non-football injury list
Just the shot in the chest…err arm that SF’s passing game needs.
Florida Man gon’ Florida Man
I’mma have to pause Footy Manager almost a whole hour for this shit.
Dude, it was like 30 mins last year.
TROOF
Just leave Other Hippo in charge while you draft?
That asshole will hit the “RETIRE” button, just to see Hippo cry.
I just lifted weights for the first time in two weeks, thanks to the gym’s annual shut down for a deep clean week, (i.e. the bedbugs are getting out of hand), and then last week’s vacation and holy shit just extending my arms to type is making my shoulders spasm.
That’s good, right?
Someone I know cleaned out an old hot yoga gym, apparently you don’t want to even think about what was under that carpet
Oh dear god…
That’s where you found Lowratio, so don’t front.
Keep loose.
In honor of Football Eve, the Reds are getting into the spirit by throwing a touchdown and field goal on the board. Not bad for a AAA squad!
Do you think hunchbacks hang out at the Transylvanian version of Home Depot to look for work? – Cinematic Titanic from Frankenstein’s Castle of Freaks
How high are you right now?
.
At that point I thought my rabbit was making some cogent points on capitalism and the road from from, but it was just some clown on the news, then I saw something shiny. My wife has told me it is now time for bed as she is afraid to leave me with matches, my torch, and the grinder.
I got a guy…
You SURE DO, tiger! – L. Ratio, Storrs, CT
Freezer Vodka Draft in one hour!
Time to defend my title!
and Hippo his Stoma Fucking BRONZE!
When I was going to UGA, I lived right by that high school where today’s senseless slaughter happened. Doesn’t surprise me at all. I never felt safe in the Winder Walmart or Publix. Scary zombie maga chuds with dead eyes there.
Hey — ain’t nobody at risk at a Publix.
“What if I shoved my fucking foot so far up your fucking ass you would taste shoe leather for a month?”
I wanted to say that to my asshole, busybody, know it all coworker. But I didn’t.
However, I listened to everything she said and said, “Um, I guess.” And walked away.
God I hate that bitch.
I would have replaced “ass” with “cunt” and “you” with “your SO”.
But the ass connects to the mouth, which is where the tongue with the tastebuds that would taste the shoe leather are so it’s anatomically consistent. Insults are far better when they’re technically correct.
I just trained myself to say “Thank you.” with the same tone and intonation as “Fuck you!”
It’s done wonders for my career and sanity.
This is the same woman who asked me “Are you on a call?” And I said, “Yes.” And she proceeded to tell me what I did wrong with some inane report.
I said, “Did you hear me when I said I was on a call? That’s why I’m not answering you.”
“Let me put you on hold. I got an uptight bitch who thinks she’s more important than you.”
-what I would said in my thoughts
“I’m sorry, I’m on a call, I will be with you shortly.”
-what i would’ve said
For those last minute procrastination folks, join the eliminator league!
ESPN Eliminator challenge, group name DFO Crack Suicide Squad!
Try and survive to week 3! Be somebody!
I joined, for some dumb fuck reason my name is ESPNFAN5269617672’s Picks 1
Always had a inkling Fozz was a Russian bot.
Oh yeah? Well I’m ESPNFAN7337805426!!
Allegedly I can change it later.
Allegedly
Changed it to JJ Fozz God of Thunda
DFO Ligue Un draft tonight! I have seen autodraft destroy 2 teams in a snake draft, and demolish 3 teams in an auction. Do so at your peril
Draft Room sneak peek:
Gametimedecision texted me that he is autodrafting. Zymm may have competition for kickers.
Look, there’s only four (4) relegation spots to Lowratio League, we can’t take errybody…
Past winners are Weaselo, Sharky, Spam, Ayo. I don’t seem them folk coming down. The rest of us is a crapshoot.
Spam wins everything. I’m pretty sure he cheats, and equally sure we’ll never figure out how.
I may have to switch to long snappers
I gonna draft all punters!