Sexy Friday – 20240913

TGIF! Try not to eat any pets no matter where you are. Also, welcome back footy! Set those alarms and get your Peacock credentials ready.

Survival – Personal Edition

In today’s edition, you’ve made some terrible life choices and are now near two cats. Not only that, but these two cats are fighting. Here’s how to break up that little spat so you can hear your TV again.

  • Make sure they’re aren’t play fighting. If they’re not hissing and baring their teeth, it’s just play fighting and there’s no reason to get involved. Let them have their fun.
  • Start by identifying the aggressor. This should be easy as they’re the one that’s on top in the fight.
  • Assuming you know the aggressor’s name, yell in a loud voice their name with commands like stop, or no, or dirt nap time.
  • Also make loud noises with your hands, feet, or other objects banging together.
  • Try to separate the cats. No, not with your hands. Get something like a mop or broom or other long item, and stick that in between them and nudge them apart. If you’re outside, use water from a bucket or a hose and soak them.
  • If you have a sturdy pair of long gloves, you can subdue the aggressor by grabbing them on the back on their neck. Then pull them away from the other cat and press them firmly to the ground. Hold them there until the other cat gets away before releasing.
  • If this is an house situation, separate the cats for at least an hour. If they still want to fight, confine the aggressor to a safe room for a week. Then try slowly reintroducing them to each other.

That should do it. Hopefully neither needs to be euthanized, but sometimes they can be real dicks, in which case pick your favoUrite and say goodbye to the other one.

Click here to get to commenting

Survival – Species Edition

Time to put the sexy in Friday!

Enjoy the weekend, folks! Alright, now let’s get to the comments!

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Mr. Ayo
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WCS

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From tonight’s Dumbass Department… woman wakes up to a car driving into her house. Caller genuinely thought someone was trying to break in; as of now, it appears the driver was just drunk and was trying to flee before anyone noticed. Well, turns out, the driver also has a couple of active warrants out. Don’t drink and drive, kids. 

I really hope this makes local Yinzer news somehow.

scotchnaut

“Was he trying to drive through her rear entrance?”

-Balls, more than likely

Doktor Zymm

Yep

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yeah right

It’s 7:20 AM local time Saturday morning and absolutely fuck shit is open. Nothing opens here until 10. Which I guess makes sense because from the sound of things nobody went to bed before “Tree AM.”

Self and family excepted.

Doktor Zymm

Just you wait until Sunday

yeah right

Oh Jesus. Church bells?

Doktor Zymm

It’s true that the churches will be open

WCS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvC3yqW7xQ4
Take a walk through town with this blaring on your phone and speaker. Good ol’ US and A culture in another country!

blaxabbath

Have you considering letting the shopkeeps know you’re an American?

Doktor Zymm

If i were a billionaire I would devote my money to the supremely charitable cause of murdering all mosquitoes

WCS

THANK YOU.

I was having this discussion a couple weeks ago. What exact positives do they do?
All they do is spread disease and piss everything else off. “They spread pollen.” So does every other insect, the wind, animals, people…

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NUKE THE MOSQUITOS 2024
“It’s the Only Way to be Sure”

Doktor Zymm

They have no positives, you are 100% correct. We’ve killed and are killing so many other species and we get squeamish about the absolute worst one?? FUCK THAT KILL THEM ALL

Doktor Zymm

Or, hear me out here, we could send all of the mosquitoes, and Elon Musk for good measure, to Mars with little to no life support

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wow, absolutely nobody wants to see the Angels play. You can get tickets for $1. You can get *great* seats for $4. It’s like a December game for the 3-12 Browns.

WCS

For a December Browns game, you should get $4, plus a free crack with a crowbar at Deshaun’s crotch.

Doktor Zymm

This is a brilliant idea

jjfozz

Went to Springsteen concert. Pounded brews.
Came home. Bent one into Mrs. Fozz.
Drove one hour to get Middle Fozz Spawn.
Drank beers with him and his friends on way home.
(Note: Mrs. Fozz drove as she was sober.)
Now home. Poured vodka rocks.

LET’S GET IT FUCKING STARTED!

WCS

I mean… I’ll definitely be up for a while…

WCS

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You say something?

WCS

I don’t negotiate with terrorist condiments.

Doktor Zymm

What about Italian plumbers?

Doktor Zymm

Haven’t even thought about this song in years, but the book I’m reading had a joke about it so…
https://youtu.be/sfCLt0kTd5E

2Pack

What was the joke?

Doktor Zymm

It’s a bit situational, but, having found themselves in a rather absurd situation, one character said the word ‘unbelievable’ quite a lot and then:
‘I know you think this is unbelievable. The reason I know this is that we have been doing this for seven hours now, and every five minutes, like clockwork, you have been saying it is unbelievable. You have said the word “unbelievable” more times than the band EMF, whose one and only hit was the song “Unbelievable”.’

2Pack

That guy sounds like he belongs in the Clubhouse.

Doktor Zymm

Indeed, I think all the characters in this book would fit in, which means the author is most likely ONE OF US

WCS

This came on the “oldies” station yesterday.

Sharkbait

My tasty beverage will have to wait as I’m sitting with sharkbait 2.0 in the dark trying to get him to fall back asleep to his favorite music: Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours

Last edited 1 month ago by Sharkbait
Doktor Zymm

Then I would go with the whiskey, seems like a good follow up

Sharkbait

He fell asleep by The Chain. Hopefully he stays alseep. I think a G&T is in order. Its quick and easy

WCS

Okay, well let’s tuck Lil’ Sharkie in with a nice, quiet lullaby

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EF5BSsIm4bA

Doktor Zymm

After last night Bills fans have raised a bunch of money for the charitable foundation Tua founded. If the Bills ever do win a Super Bowl I hope it doesn’t ruin their vibe where they’re just genuinely nice while drunkenly throwing dildos on the field

Doktor Zymm

Mixed in with the lovely fuzzy pyjamas there are a surprisingly large number of glass ‘cucumbers’ on Temu

SonOfSpam

That’s silly. If a cucumber’s made of glass, you can’t eat it and it’s not good for anything exc-

Oh.

2Pack

“cucumbers”?

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SonOfSpam

That’s silly. He doesn’t have a vagina. For him to have sex with a cucumber he’d have to stick it in h-

Oh.

King Hippo

are you happy NOW, Balls?? huh!!!!

ballsofsteelandfury

Yes

Doktor Zymm

Ok, the most concerning thing here is that he put it back in his lunchbox

Doktor Zymm

I’ve been quite happy with the cheap crap I’ve bought, it’s surprising decent quality so far. I’m particularly pleased with the neon sign of a cat eating ramen that I have in my kitchen now

2Pack

Lady number 9 this week Ayo. Looks like she needs my help applying some tanning butter.

On the survival tip I was disappointed in the actual cat fight info. Chit man, I’d never go there. We could use the other, better, cat fight tips. Like how do you deal with one in a pool full of jello with the ladies in bikinis? Huh? Riddle us that.
/envisions one between Marika and Monica.

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Doktor Zymm

The bucket of water would probably still work

2Pack

Water? I dunno. Even a shower shower didn’t work here…

https://youtu.be/QK338Z4rd3M?si=oBsRDfos55uVko-L

2Pack

If I could choose a way to die…

WCS

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King Hippo

The most dangerous insult in ladyspeak – oh, she think she CUTE

Sharkbait

Do I have more Japanese whiskey? Or something gin based?

Doktor Zymm

Have you already had one or the other tonight?

Sharkbait

Had some Japanese whisky already.

Doktor Zymm

Not at the same time though, can’t say I’ve ever heard of an appetizing sounding drink containing both whiskey and gin

WCS

There isn’t, but I didn’t let that stop me.

Do not be like me.

Sharkbait

They DO exist surprisingly

Unsurprised

Man. The state of celebrity nudity while I was away took a weird turn.

Unsurprised

Hispanic Heritage Month begins this weekend. We could’ve had a theme.

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h

ttps://i.postimg.cc/G3MRhMVB/whint8lqpcx51.jpg

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h

ttps://i.postimg.cc/7LdHK3ZJ/Fit-Naked-Girls-com-Nadine-Velazquez-nude-19.jpg

ballsofsteelandfury

Must be cold!

Unsurprised

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2Pack

I just love her

Unsurprised

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Unsurprised

Anya Taylor -Joy to be cheeky (born in Argentina but literally English nobility)

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Doktor Zymm

Reading The Stranger Times books. I guess it’s humorous british fantasy? Enjoyable stuff

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is it light? I need something light to read.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I was actually about to ask for some light mystery recommendations last night but I was able to drink myself to sleep instead.

Last edited 1 month ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Doktor Zymm

Totally! That’s where the humoUr part comes in. Although I would also recommend the Chronicles of Brother Hermitage. Also British humoUr

Unsurprised

Funny. I read a British novel To The Hermitage 25 years ago that I finally found another copy of to read again. I thought it was funny.

Doktor Zymm

Welp, used up all the argon in my wine keeper dealy so I guess I’m gonna have to finish the bottle if I want to have another glass, which I certainly do

Doktor Zymm

I’ll bravely soldier through

herodotus450

Argon? Are Gone!

Doktor Zymm

Arrrr, gone!

Unsurprised

I should go to the soccer game that just started instead of sitting here watching Infernal Affairs 2 and drinking Belvedere

litre_cola

Soccer game? You need to go there.

Unsurprised

Women’s soccer

King Hippo

Women’s FOOTY then. Only MLS is fairly described as “soccer.”

litre_cola

See above statement.

Unsurprised

Fair

Doktor Zymm

You can still drink Belvedere at a soccer game

Bogdanski

Am I alone in finding #1’s hips nightmare fuel?

WCS

Haldo.

Here to bother you all night again.

Sharkbait

Bother? Hardly.

Doktor Zymm

Hopefully Friday the 13th doesn’t have full moon effect

ballsofsteelandfury

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King Hippo

God, what a near-perfect moviefilm that was.

King Hippo

WIll there be BLOOD FOAR TEH BLOOD GODS???

litre_cola

Or catch a sweet buzz.

King Hippo

I mean, how can you REALLY b sure??

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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scotchnaut

Survival-Personal Edition

You woke up the youngest kid at 4:15am and you can’t get back to sleep because of course.

At 5am a racoon or two racoons walk onto the exterior deck and make chittering noises.

Both dogs go fucking apeshit.

You try to calm them down but it’s useless.

Wife yells from bedroom, “STOP THE DOGS FROM BARKING, I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

You respond, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME…” you come to your senses and just shut up.

The dogs continue to go bananas.

You try to scare away the raccoons but you can’t see them in the dark.

You take the L, let the dogs bark, and walk up to your wee cubbeyhole totally defeated.

/FIN

King Hippo

let the dogs out to eat the raccoons?

SonOfSpam

Depending on the dogs, they might lose that battle. Raccoons ain’t nuthin to fuck wit.

BugEyedBoo

Read the other day that a raccoon can take on a dog twice its size. They don’t want to, they’d rather run than fight.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I let my dog out to bark at a raccoon. I thought he’d run away but he stood his ground. So I hucked a shoe at him and hit him, and *then* he ran.

litre_cola

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BugEyedBoo

My good night’s sleep last night. There’s been a mouse living in our bedroom. Little fucker would scurry in front of me while I was on my PC. Right across the desk, that bold little bastard. The cat couldn’t/wouldn’t catch it. I tried my no-kill trap but it was just eating the bait. So finally enough was enough and I broke out the old-fashioned mousetrap. We go to bed, and after about 10 minutes in the dark, SNAP. Poor little fucker. My wife, who will take them from the cat if alive, gets all girly. “I don’t want to see it! Please get it out of here!” By the time I get that mouse Disposed Of Properly, I was wide awake.

Doktor Zymm

No need to save rodents, always plenty more where that came from

Unsurprised

That’s why Jesus gave us .22 LR and suppressors

Unsurprised

and affordable IR scopes

King Hippo

btw, I really think the Big Twaaaaalve did great in the ex-PAC teams they scooped up. The league should move to own Friday nights like this.

King Hippo

Blax, why is your coach wearing a marijuana leaf rope necklace on tv? wut message does thar send 2 CHILDREN smgdh

blaxabbath

Who fucking knows? It’s the LAST guy who was any good.

Doktor Zymm

I wonder how much of that lingerie was purchased off Temu? I got some amazing fuzzy pyjamas from there for like $12 and a sparkly bra for around $10. Such enjoyable cheap crap!

ballsofsteelandfury

#2 and #3 are examples of great photo composition…

ballsofsteelandfury
Unsurprised

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