TGIF! Try not to eat any pets no matter where you are. Also, welcome back footy! Set those alarms and get your Peacock credentials ready.
Survival – Personal Edition
In today’s edition, you’ve made some terrible life choices and are now near two cats. Not only that, but these two cats are fighting. Here’s how to break up that little spat so you can hear your TV again.
- Make sure they’re aren’t play fighting. If they’re not hissing and baring their teeth, it’s just play fighting and there’s no reason to get involved. Let them have their fun.
- Start by identifying the aggressor. This should be easy as they’re the one that’s on top in the fight.
- Assuming you know the aggressor’s name, yell in a loud voice their name with commands like stop, or no, or dirt nap time.
- Also make loud noises with your hands, feet, or other objects banging together.
- Try to separate the cats. No, not with your hands. Get something like a mop or broom or other long item, and stick that in between them and nudge them apart. If you’re outside, use water from a bucket or a hose and soak them.
- If you have a sturdy pair of long gloves, you can subdue the aggressor by grabbing them on the back on their neck. Then pull them away from the other cat and press them firmly to the ground. Hold them there until the other cat gets away before releasing.
- If this is an house situation, separate the cats for at least an hour. If they still want to fight, confine the aggressor to a safe room for a week. Then try slowly reintroducing them to each other.
That should do it. Hopefully neither needs to be euthanized, but sometimes they can be real dicks, in which case pick your favoUrite and say goodbye to the other one.
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Survival – Species Edition
Time to put the sexy in Friday!
Enjoy the weekend, folks! Alright, now let’s get to the comments!
From tonight’s Dumbass Department… woman wakes up to a car driving into her house. Caller genuinely thought someone was trying to break in; as of now, it appears the driver was just drunk and was trying to flee before anyone noticed. Well, turns out, the driver also has a couple of active warrants out. Don’t drink and drive, kids.
I really hope this makes local Yinzer news somehow.
“Was he trying to drive through her rear entrance?”
-Balls, more than likely
Yep
It’s 7:20 AM local time Saturday morning and absolutely fuck shit is open. Nothing opens here until 10. Which I guess makes sense because from the sound of things nobody went to bed before “Tree AM.”
Self and family excepted.
Well obviously you’re supposed to party until at least midnight. Just poor planning on your part.
Just you wait until Sunday
Oh Jesus. Church bells?
It’s true that the churches will be open
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvC3yqW7xQ4
Take a walk through town with this blaring on your phone and speaker. Good ol’ US and A culture in another country!
Have you considering letting the shopkeeps know you’re an American?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qycAC_6Bbto
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bV-hSgL1R74
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=surSOwaByqs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBEJn4EtGVw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJwt2dxx9yg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DzkBmJGGwdA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3D0lKTJ2ns
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7KNmW9a75Y
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89F5fpvwPr0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Orlbo9WkZ2E
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iKFn8dlxX8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXqPNlng6uI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04F4xlWSFh0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEMm7gxBYSc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Abrn8aVQ76Q
If i were a billionaire I would devote my money to the supremely charitable cause of murdering all mosquitoes
THANK YOU.
I was having this discussion a couple weeks ago. What exact positives do they do?
All they do is spread disease and piss everything else off. “They spread pollen.” So does every other insect, the wind, animals, people…
NUKE THE MOSQUITOS 2024
“It’s the Only Way to be Sure”
They have no positives, you are 100% correct. We’ve killed and are killing so many other species and we get squeamish about the absolute worst one?? FUCK THAT KILL THEM ALL
Just hitch a flight to Mars. No skeeters there! Flawless plan.
Or, hear me out here, we could send all of the mosquitoes, and Elon Musk for good measure, to Mars with little to no life support
Wow, absolutely nobody wants to see the Angels play. You can get tickets for $1. You can get *great* seats for $4. It’s like a December game for the 3-12 Browns.
For a December Browns game, you should get $4, plus a free crack with a crowbar at Deshaun’s crotch.
This is a brilliant idea
No Trout, no Ohtani, can’t say I’m shocked.
Went to Springsteen concert. Pounded brews.
Came home. Bent one into Mrs. Fozz.
Drove one hour to get Middle Fozz Spawn.
Drank beers with him and his friends on way home.
(Note: Mrs. Fozz drove as she was sober.)
Now home. Poured vodka rocks.
LET’S GET IT FUCKING STARTED!
We’re way ahead of you. Well, maybe.
I mean… I’ll definitely be up for a while…
And we some of us will be if you answer the damn phone
You say something?
Dammit. My local 911 is big mad that I needed them to protect the princess.
I don’t negotiate with terrorist condiments.
What about Italian plumbers?
JROD! 🔱 UP!
https://twitter.com/Mariners/status/1834821835906859382
Haven’t even thought about this song in years, but the book I’m reading had a joke about it so…
https://youtu.be/sfCLt0kTd5E
What was the joke?
It’s a bit situational, but, having found themselves in a rather absurd situation, one character said the word ‘unbelievable’ quite a lot and then:
‘I know you think this is unbelievable. The reason I know this is that we have been doing this for seven hours now, and every five minutes, like clockwork, you have been saying it is unbelievable. You have said the word “unbelievable” more times than the band EMF, whose one and only hit was the song “Unbelievable”.’
That guy sounds like he belongs in the Clubhouse.
Indeed, I think all the characters in this book would fit in, which means the author is most likely ONE OF US
This came on the “oldies” station yesterday.
My tasty beverage will have to wait as I’m sitting with sharkbait 2.0 in the dark trying to get him to fall back asleep to his favorite music: Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours
Then I would go with the whiskey, seems like a good follow up
He fell asleep by The Chain. Hopefully he stays alseep. I think a G&T is in order. Its quick and easy
Okay, well let’s tuck Lil’ Sharkie in with a nice, quiet lullaby
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EF5BSsIm4bA
After last night Bills fans have raised a bunch of money for the charitable foundation Tua founded. If the Bills ever do win a Super Bowl I hope it doesn’t ruin their vibe where they’re just genuinely nice while drunkenly throwing dildos on the field
Mixed in with the lovely fuzzy pyjamas there are a surprisingly large number of glass ‘cucumbers’ on Temu
That’s silly. If a cucumber’s made of glass, you can’t eat it and it’s not good for anything exc-
Oh.
“cucumbers”?
I’m surprise thatd 1) the temu pjs aren’t lowratio sized, and 2) you haven’t developed a massive rash already.
Although my one (1) temu order was a great deal and provided a quality and working product.
Also, apparently you don’t need the glass version.
https://nypost.com/2024/09/12/us-news/cops-hunt-for-man-caught-on-camera-doing-sex-act-with-cucumber-in-dc/
That’s silly. He doesn’t have a vagina. For him to have sex with a cucumber he’d have to stick it in h-
Oh.
are you happy NOW, Balls?? huh!!!!
Yes
Ok, the most concerning thing here is that he put it back in his lunchbox
Waste not, want not
I’ve been quite happy with the cheap crap I’ve bought, it’s surprising decent quality so far. I’m particularly pleased with the neon sign of a cat eating ramen that I have in my kitchen now
Lady number 9 this week Ayo. Looks like she needs my help applying some tanning butter.
On the survival tip I was disappointed in the actual cat fight info. Chit man, I’d never go there. We could use the other, better, cat fight tips. Like how do you deal with one in a pool full of jello with the ladies in bikinis? Huh? Riddle us that.
/envisions one between Marika and Monica.
The bucket of water would probably still work
Water? I dunno. Even a shower shower didn’t work here…
https://youtu.be/QK338Z4rd3M?si=oBsRDfos55uVko-L
Well in that cat fight, I’d only have one step, which would be getting yourself right in the middle as quickly as possible.
If I could choose a way to die…
The most dangerous insult in ladyspeak – oh, she think she CUTE
Do I have more Japanese whiskey? Or something gin based?
Have you already had one or the other tonight?
Had some Japanese whisky already.
¿Porque no los dos?
Not at the same time though, can’t say I’ve ever heard of an appetizing sounding drink containing both whiskey and gin
There isn’t, but I didn’t let that stop me.
Do not be like me.
They DO exist surprisingly
As a martini they do work. I was recommending alternating between the two.
Man. The state of celebrity nudity while I was away took a weird turn.
Hispanic Heritage Month begins this weekend. We could’ve had a theme.
h
ttps://i.postimg.cc/G3MRhMVB/whint8lqpcx51.jpg
h
ttps://i.postimg.cc/7LdHK3ZJ/Fit-Naked-Girls-com-Nadine-Velazquez-nude-19.jpg
Must be cold!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxtIRArhVD4
I just love her
Anya Taylor -Joy to be cheeky (born in Argentina but literally English nobility)
Reading The Stranger Times books. I guess it’s humorous british fantasy? Enjoyable stuff
Is it light? I need something light to read.
I was actually about to ask for some light mystery recommendations last night but I was able to drink myself to sleep instead.
Unlike every other night, am I right?
Totally! That’s where the humoUr part comes in. Although I would also recommend the Chronicles of Brother Hermitage. Also British humoUr
Funny. I read a British novel To The Hermitage 25 years ago that I finally found another copy of to read again. I thought it was funny.
Welp, used up all the argon in my wine keeper dealy so I guess I’m gonna have to finish the bottle if I want to have another glass, which I certainly do
Thoughts and prayers as you get through this difficult time.
I’ll bravely soldier through
Argon? Are Gone!
Arrrr, gone!
I should go to the soccer game that just started instead of sitting here watching Infernal Affairs 2 and drinking Belvedere
Soccer game? You need to go there.
Women’s soccer
Women’s FOOTY then. Only MLS is fairly described as “soccer.”
See above statement.
Fair
You can still drink Belvedere at a soccer game
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMyDktJzK8M
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjJFZEhbsc8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A15NEtKKroQ
Am I alone in finding #1’s hips nightmare fuel?
Doubtful. The hip bridge isn’t my favoUrite thing, but I don’t dislike it beyond the nutritional implications.
Haldo.
Here to bother you all night again.
Bother? Hardly.
Hopefully Friday the 13th doesn’t have full moon effect
At least it’s not a full moon.
God, what a near-perfect moviefilm that was.
WIll there be BLOOD FOAR TEH BLOOD GODS???
For the last time, Other Hippo: There is only one (1) Blood God.
Think the only reason your body hasn’t been reaped is even the Blood God would OD on your pill content.
Or catch a sweet buzz.
I mean, how can you REALLY b sure??
Survival-Personal Edition
You woke up the youngest kid at 4:15am and you can’t get back to sleep because of course.
At 5am a racoon or two racoons walk onto the exterior deck and make chittering noises.
Both dogs go fucking apeshit.
You try to calm them down but it’s useless.
Wife yells from bedroom, “STOP THE DOGS FROM BARKING, I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
You respond, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME…” you come to your senses and just shut up.
The dogs continue to go bananas.
You try to scare away the raccoons but you can’t see them in the dark.
You take the L, let the dogs bark, and walk up to your wee cubbeyhole totally defeated.
/FIN
let the dogs out to eat the raccoons?
Depending on the dogs, they might lose that battle. Raccoons ain’t nuthin to fuck wit.
Read the other day that a raccoon can take on a dog twice its size. They don’t want to, they’d rather run than fight.
I let my dog out to bark at a raccoon. I thought he’d run away but he stood his ground. So I hucked a shoe at him and hit him, and *then* he ran.
IYKYK
My good night’s sleep last night. There’s been a mouse living in our bedroom. Little fucker would scurry in front of me while I was on my PC. Right across the desk, that bold little bastard. The cat couldn’t/wouldn’t catch it. I tried my no-kill trap but it was just eating the bait. So finally enough was enough and I broke out the old-fashioned mousetrap. We go to bed, and after about 10 minutes in the dark, SNAP. Poor little fucker. My wife, who will take them from the cat if alive, gets all girly. “I don’t want to see it! Please get it out of here!” By the time I get that mouse Disposed Of Properly, I was wide awake.
No need to save rodents, always plenty more where that came from
That’s why Jesus gave us .22 LR and suppressors
and affordable IR scopes
btw, I really think the Big Twaaaaalve did great in the ex-PAC teams they scooped up. The league should move to own Friday nights like this.
Blax, why is your coach wearing a marijuana leaf rope necklace on tv? wut message does thar send 2 CHILDREN smgdh
Who fucking knows? It’s the LAST guy who was any good.
I wonder how much of that lingerie was purchased off Temu? I got some amazing fuzzy pyjamas from there for like $12 and a sparkly bra for around $10. Such enjoyable cheap crap!
#2 and #3 are examples of great photo composition…
Important and pertinent:
https://youtu.be/_QBvgU9MPus?si=v1BabYDMbEiyljlA