I mean, we can’t call it a double-header, can we? Just a quick note-I’m getting bum-rushed in both Math Hard! and Freezer Vodka and the injuries are piling up and I’ll be winless in both leagues. YAY!
To The Games!
Titans/Fins:
-Will Levis-there’s room for improvement. Folks that drafted Cal Ridley might be wondering why he has underperformed. The folks at a certain fantasy site point to a stat of theirs that avers that he’s been thrown a catchable ball 56% of the time!. If said Levis wants to hold on to his job he’s going to want to make better decisions. He has two pick-sixes and two strip sacks to his name already in this young season.
-But there’s good news! The Titans haven’t lost to Miami on Monday night.
-Snoop Huntley is back! Great. Tyreek playing without Tua, he’s a shadow of himself-he averages 68 (whew!) yards receiving per game and has no TD’s at all.
-The Fins onky scored three points last week, the lowest total since coach McDaniels came on board. Right now they’re the worst scoring offense in the NFL.
Seahawks/Lions:
-Zach Charbonnet is doing backup rb right. Last week he ran for 91 and scored a deuce of TD’s. This week he stands aside and let’s Kenneth Walker take over lead back duties.
-No Balls, No Glory? That seems to be the case with Geno so far-he’s thrown into the endzone all of one time so far this year.
-All He Does Is Score-David Montgomery has barged into the endzone in six straight affairs.
-Memories of Legions of Boom Past? Seattle is the best team vs the pass. [looks at notes] Huh, they’ve played against Skylar, Nix and Brissett. If they weren’t the best I’d be wondering.
-He’s So Close! Dan Campbell is 25-26-1 career-record wise as a coach. He’ll get to a winning record at some point and join the illustrious group that is Potsy Clark, Buddy Porter, George Wilson, Joe Schmidt, Garry Moeller and Jim Caldwell as Lions coaches that somehow won more games than they lost. That’s 20% of all coaches that have led Detroit.
Another blocked punt. It’s Marlboro time.
LOLfins
Heeeey, Trump commercial on my feed. Oh well, at least Levis is still on the bench.
Very impressed with PayPal’s fraud monitoring capabilities right now. “Sure, it’s totally normal for someone to change the address on the account and immediately buy the same $2k Christian Dior bag three times in a row.”
Their fraud monitoring had no problem with a 2nd bank account being added and money immediately transferred between the two.
Hey, monitoring fraud and stopping fraud are two different things!
Thanks, Elon Musk and Peter Thiel. You fucking parasitical pieces of fuck.
dumping paypal many years ago, one of the few life decisions i got right
3 vacuums however.
Fuck, an hour hitting balls at the driving range with the boys and I am wiped.
You hit balls with your car!?! What’d he do to you?
The TitsvFins O/U was 39.5. That was lock of the week.
century. the word you are looking for is century
Mason Rudolph helped a MIA defender up!
What a gentleman!
Miles Garrett scared him straight!
The rent, the rent, the rent is too hi-igh.
Tonight it’s just me watching as my 2 players expected points dwindle so I can lose to out in the first quarter Richardson and IR McCaffrey. Woo
My testing went well today. Very well.
How long is reasonable for a return on redlines (many are inconsequential questions about meanings and ‘does this box out X?’ stuff) for a like 12 page patent application.
Naturally I’m the client who has sat on it a month and now I’m like, “so we can file monday?” Two weeks?
I’m behind Brocky by half a point, I have the Sun God, three whole quarters to play, and Yahoo is giving me a 79% chance. I’m screwed.
Nah, Yahoo is all kindsa messed up
— DK M., WA
Touchback. I’m officially humorless 😑
Yeah right do a cupcake?
Its gonna be a long flight to London for the Jets
https://x.com/OptimisticJets/status/1840500016244576587
THESE NY JETS LEMME TELL YA I CALL THE THE LUFTWAFFE IN 1940 BECAUSE THEY ARE HEADED FOR LONDON AND TROUBLE AWAITS
If you had to pick 3 Owl winning QBs to be stuck on a transatlantic flight with, who would you pick?
Rob Johnson, Trent Dilfer, and Chad Henne.
I’m trading out Dilfer for Doug Williams. Dilfer is fucking up my Blazers.
Also Doug Williams would be awesome probably
Do you have to talk to them?
-Mrs. Boo
No, but they can talk to you
Bart Starr, then. He’s not very talkative.
Montana to hear the Rudy stories and how it was a big joke for the players.
Eli, Foles, and Brady, and I would spend the whole flight asking the first two about their wins over Brady.
Crafty!
I will give five (5) American dollars to the first Dolphin who smacks Rudolph with his helmet.
I’d give $10, if smacked with Rudolph’s helmet
I like those blue helmets for the ThunderCats
That whole uni is pretty cool.
Electric blue for doing the electric slide!
“THE NEW FORD EV…THE ELECTRIC SLIDE! Come in to your local dealer today for a test drive!”
an electric slide is actually a cybertruck when the axles snap at 55 mph
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGqTDPOOtkg
black helmet but a blue lion (so the lion pops out better, and matches the blue numbers on black jersey) and you got a deal
actually, keep the blue helmet but replace the lion with a black gothic script D
My only complaint is that there is no Red Zone for these two games
*This is untrue, I actually have many complaints
what geno and dj metcalf did is 892475x better than tits/phins right now
I wonder which poor sap in my superflex league was starting Levis
It’s ‘only’ Dan Campbell’s 4th year. How many coaches even make it to four years? That’s gotta be 90th percentile
The Ford’s putting that suicide booth just outside the coach’s office was sheer genius.
I think they’ll be franchising them out
99th percentile in the nfc north
.
We lost a good one today.
A true icon of the game, a generational talent who’s positive influence reached far beyond the scope of their sport. A Hall of Famer in every sense of the word.
RIP Mutombo.
Also, anything else happen today?
Our Sales Team shit the bed this month, today made it official. Thanks Biden!
That didn’t seal the deal with the Germans?
Strike starts at midnight.
storm duck is a god-tier name and a great drain cleaner
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXRcIuwKQq4
Imagine watching one football game when you could be watching two preseason hockey games, at the same time, featuring the same team!
Just week 4 and behold! We’re already stuck with a Tyler Huntley v. Mason Rudolph shitburger. What a wonderfully violent fucking game this is.
not only violent, but incredibly dumb and driven by stupid shit
let’s base everything off of fantasy points, analytics, and sexy skill position talent, and ignore the fuck out of offensive lines and blocking schemes
Which NFL front office do you work in?
obviously, not the bears
Now Pete wont be able to teach Anthony Richardson how to slide
Coach: “How’s your shoulder?”
Levis: “Fine.”
(grabs tire iron)
Evening Folks
Would be fun to go to a game in Detroit
Is that the premise of the book “The most dangerous game”
I saw the Lions get curbstomped by Brey Favre and Green Bay in the Silverdome. Wasn’t worth the bus ride from Columbus.
Brey Bret wimpy wompy whambly.
I was absolutely sure Rose was going to pull a Kissinger. A mark of a true asshole is that they can disappoint in death.
these things happen in threes
-mutombo dies
-pete rose dies
-this game has died*
*probably DOA, but its def gone now
“Ted Cruz eaten by pack of javelina”
please be next headline
That just makes me think of the tom brokow snl bit:
Gerald ford dead today, eaten by wolves
https://youtu.be/1tX6jdoruH8?si=cSgw0HvF6Wt1_XyK
A pack of slow-eating javelina!
really missing the Manningcast of Huntly vs Rudolph
Tyreek Hill or Mark Andrews? Biggest FF disappointment.
Yes.
Oh, shit! Mason Rudolph siting on the Tits bench! Mason Rudolph could be coming into the game. THIS IS NOT A DRILL, PEOPLE!
HE’S ON THE FIELD!
mason rudolph still cashing checks? what a country
flex this shit to thursday immediately. pause it right here and pick it up a few days from now, and put the varsity game (HOX/Loins) on pronto
This damn folding table thing has about a million tiny screws. About 85% done but switching to mead, noodles, and football instead of the boring type of screwing
What kind of noodles?
house noodles from my favorite Thai place
sounds fancy, getting them shaped into a house
“Now you call backward passes against the Titans”
-Greg, Orchard Park,NY
How about that interception byEmmanuel Ogbah
Hate me for this, but Rose should have been in the HOF. Why do I watch pro sports when I loathe about 98% of the shit they pull?
There’s still a shot for his nephew Derek Rose. Yes he was never the same after the injuries but he won a MVP, and every MVP has made the NBA Hall of Fame.
Oh, I certainly don’t hate you for this.
the perfect thing to do is put him in the next year they pull the “nobody got in” bullshit
He was screwing a 16-year-old, (that’s best case for him; she says it started when she was 14 or 15), when he was in his mid-30’s and married, with children.
Fuck him.
“That’s just so old and disgusting.”
-M.Gaetz
“How old was her couch?”
-J. Vance
He’d have been in if he’d have even acted contrite about betting on baseball. MLB doesn’t have a sense of humor about that.
Pete Rose is betting on the Black Sox now with Shoeless Joe Jackson.
OKAY HE’S DEAD AND HIS SOUL IS BEING TORMENTED IN HELL. NOW CAN HE MAKE IT INTO THE HALL OF FAME?!
Hey, I’m with our Bourble-ish Ratbird compatriot above. Betting on your team to win isn’t the worst thing.
Nah.
ok the next year the hall of fame says “oopsies, nobody made it this year! sorry!” you can then put him in now that hes dead
I have submitted an “application” to maybe-possibly purchase Oasis tix at the Rose Bowl next year. If I get tix, they’re gonna break up right before the show.
Or get onstage and murder each other with meat hooks
THAT would be worth the money
Either are just as likely.
I am going to do it too.
Yesterday’s millenial wedding included a reading on “Social Consciousness.” I couldn’t get to the bar fast enough. Holy shit.
A “woke” Catholic wedding?
Not even remotely Catholic. Like i care. I mean, hey it’s your day you can get married wearing chaps and a fucking viking helmet. It was nice. Except for that part, which was fucking insanely stupid.
(honestly, if you read the bible, Jesus was woke as fuck)
Jesus was a liberal hippy. It’s amazing how his basic rule, “Love each other as I have loved you” gets completely lost by the fucking hypocritical Christians who hate minorities, gays, trans, etc.
Weird.
“How can we, the wealthy, stay wealthy and keep the plebs preoccupied?”
Watch the documentary on the Remnant Fellowship Church, what a disgusting group of shit eaters. The leaders died in a plane crash, which in my opinion just wasn’t horrible enough.
Gary Fucking Moeller was a ridiculous hire. A few years at U of M made him so desirable to be the Detroit coach???
Yahoo seems to think there is a 9% chance that Montgomery scores -2 points tonight. That seems…quite high
Hear me out:
Fumble on a tackle in the backfield where he gets injured and doesn’t play the rest of the game.
Any normal team, way less than 9% chance of that happening. The Detroit Lions, where Barry Sanders wasted his career?
Yeah, I’m going with at least 25%
DonT, pay homage to my need for multiple LOLfin D/ST scores tonight. Will Levis will be in “competent game manager” mode, for this one night only.
Bof. Way things are going, I shoulg go for cigs at halftime.
SSSHHHHAAAAAAMMMMMEEE PPPIIIZZZAAAAAAAAA
Why I Am Back on a Diet (Abridged Version)
I feel like a fat piece of shit tonight. But that’s only because I actually am a fat piece of shit.
Why in FUCK does it take a doctorate in physics to replace a motherfucking windshield wiper blade?
It’s a secret test of character. Whoever he or she who can replace thy own wiper blade without assistance will rule England as King or Queen! Or save $50 on labor fees. The inscription was kind of faded.
I find it easy, but then I’ve had this car 10 years. Will probably lose a hand next car.
This is particularly amusing to me because I’m reading a King Arthur book right now.
Did he get the wipers changed?
He introduced toilet paper, I think.
Oh my fuck are you ever right. Should be so damn simple but it ain’t. I purposely go to get my oil changes where I get a free wiper change.
Unions. AND OBAMA obvs
I have new blades sitting in the garage because my self-esteem can’t take the inevitable struggle right now. Maybe in like November.
You could, like, just read the fucking directions that come with them and then it’s much easier.
/Have replaced wipers in every car I’ve owned
//almost got a minor in physics, short by one credit
///no PhD in anything
I used my car manual, took about 5 minutes after I looked it up
Of course my windshield still streaked because it was the greasy dust that we get in CA that was the problem, but at least I had nice new wipers to smear it around
I’d just like to say that Dikembe was the most unique of individuals for many reasons for many people but also because he was a likeable player from Georgetown.*
*Big East hatred runs deep-if you weren’t there you’d have no way of knowing
He swatted the fuck out of that cereal box in that one commercial.