I thought this was the first time I’d be playing Substitute Teacher for Ye Olde Hippo but I discovered that I had previously substituted when he decided to boycott the Super Bowl when Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Bucs beat the same KC Chiefs playing the Philly Eagles in this year’s game. Maybe he knew that Brady would win (he was right!) and he didn’t want to be subjected to the never-ending dick-slobbering that would ensue.

I’m guessing he doesn’t want to watch this year because he doesn’t want to watch Mahomes win, which is funny and ironic given the last time this happened.

Anyhoo, he’s not here to give you his recap, so I am here to fill in and recap the really important things that happened yesterday. Here we go:

DATELINE: 6:30 AM Pacific Time

LOCATION: Greater Los Angeles Area, My Bedroom

What the fuck is this bullshit?!? Who the fuck has two thumbs and forgot to delete the alarm on his phone from the last time he woke up early to play golf? THIS IDIOT.

I’m going back to sleep.

7:45 AM – Now, my stomach decides it’s a good time to take a shit. I get out of bed (because I’m not German) to go to the bathroom. I also take advantage and open up DFO to start editing this post.

7:55 AM – Played Spam in a game of Yahtzee on Boardgame arena even though he wasn’t present and I was playing by myself. Scored 356 points with one Yahtzee.

8:05 – I post a comment on DFO about Horatio’s SB party and his friends that want to vacation with him and the wife. As the kids say these days, “Sus”. I check the house and everything is okay so CRITICAL DECISION #1 of the day is upon me: Do I stay awake and do shit or do I go back to bed/sleep?

11:48 – Wake up #2. Time to get something to eat and read about Abby Normal, Nosferatu.

1:55 PM – just finished Bite Me. That’s the fifth Christopher Moore book this year. So. Fucking. Good. I think the Vampire series is my favorite. So far.

1:56 PM – Pipi time.

2:33 PM – Game is over and Barcelona has won. Please note this also happened the last time I filled in for Hippo. Maybe I should fill in for Hippo more often. I’ve just uploaded the latest episode of the Golf Tales series and scheduled it for Wednesday. Time to take a shower and beat the bishop. Not in that order.

3:17 PM – The game is supposed to start soon. I’ve the pregame show on mute on one phone while I update this post on the other. On the TV, we are watching replays of La Liga soccer.

KICKOFF – Yeah, I have made a good choice. I was oblivious to whatever those pictures were and that trombone and the rest of the bullshit that happened prior to the game starting. Philly is starting off well…

3:47 PM – Yes, that was offensive PI. Nothing nefarious is happening. Yet.

4:06 PM – Tush Push Touchdown Eagles! Go birds

4:20 PM – End of the first quarter and the Eagles are winning 7-0. Litre needs to light up a blunt or munch an edible or something.

4:36 PM – Smart call to try to draw them offsides and take the FG. Eagles FG good!! Philly 10 KC 0.

4:43 PM – VAR gives a penalty to Atlético Madrid. They score. Mahomes throws a pick six. Eagles score!

5:05 PM – Mahomes throws another pick. Not for six but it sets up Philly at the 14. Philly scores two plays later. Philly 24 KC 0.

HALFTIME – It’s a 24 Nothing lead for Philly at the half and they just need to keep doing what they’ve been doing. KC is nervous and making mistakes. That dropped pass was huge before the half. KC gets the ball to start the second half.

5:48 PM – Fucking hell, that was a long halftime!

Start of 3rd Quarter – That was a good stop by the Philly D. Cannot give the Chiefs hope. TV now has Barcelona v Sevilla.

6:08 PM – Eagles drive down the field, eat up a lot of clock, and get a FG. Eagles 27 KC 0.

6:16 PM – The Chiefs just went for it on fourth down from their own territory and failed. Philly takes over and can drive a stake through their hearts on this drive.

6:20 PM – There it is! Long bomb from Hurts and it’s Philly 34 KC 0.

6:26 PM – Shutout is gone. Two long passes from Mahomes and KC gets on the scoreboard. They can’t get the two, so it’s Philly 34 KC 6 at the end of the third quarter.

6:34 PM – Philly chews up a good chunk of clock and gets another FG. Philly 37 KC 6 with less than 10 minutes to play.

6:44 PM – Oh, this is delightful! The Philly D forces a fumble by Mahomes on the first play. Despite a penalty, Philly retains possession inside KC territory.

6:50 PM – Philly burns a little more time and gets another FG. Philly 40 KC 6.

7:03 PM – Another consolation TD for KC and this time they get the conversion. They don’t get the onside kick. Philly 40 KC 14. Less than 3 minutes to go.

7:07 PM – Gatorade bath! The winning colour was yellow.

7:09 PM – Kenny Pickett got a Super Bowl snap! Two minute warning. If Mahomes comes out for the next KC series, I hope they snap his legs. Game is over. Learn how to lose.

7:14 PM – Seriously, Philly, WTF? You’re just going to GIVE them another TD? Celebrate when the final whistle blows for fuck’s sake! Philly 40 KC 22. As Hippo would say, that’s a flattering and deceiving score.

7:18 PM – Finally, the game is over. Litre can start running around the house with a green bandanna around his ding dong.

***

Overall, I can’t remember a Super Bowl I’ve enjoyed watching more than this one. Not because of who won because I honestly didn’t give a shit. It’s because of HOW it was won.

Despite all the rule changes and the bullshit that the NFL tries to force feed us, a good running game and a good defense wins championships.