You Don’t Say, Pffft 🖕🏼: Sunday Chasm Etc. Etc.

A very good evening to everyone, fellow dwellers of The Chasm: the time between the preseason and the season. It sucks and was not always thus. It used to be that preseason ended, teams reduced rosters to 53 players in the next few days, and DB Chris Conte suited up for some team who clearly overestimated him for next Sunday’s Week 1 game.

Now, two years later? The Chasm spans two whole Sundays. Which, for me, is the National Football Lee transparently toying with fans’ emotions. The Lee, I feel, is putting the moves of a sensual and savvy crush: imposing new and waaay restrictive conditions to further an agenda—in the NFL’s case, an 18-game regular season. And when it happens, guess what: The Chasm is filled by regular season games, making the prior imposition feel like a reward earned through withholding. This, I think, is further proof that, when you have absolute power, wielding that power arbitrarily is a most precious luxury that only idiots bypass “because I’m a good person” or worse fuckheadedness. Why even strive for plenary powers if yer gonna exercise ‘em prudently?

Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt myself with a reaction.

NFL NEWS

-The Vikings sign Carson Wentz and trade away Sam Howell. ICE targets, like ♫♫meee♫♫, see this as a de Guatemala a Guata Peor situation. Don’t fret; when you come to Puerto Rico, I promise to explain that in person.

– The player who got ejected for fighting yesterday, got cut today. Other cuts and trades happenin’ over here, Deadline for the 53 is next Tuesday, 3:00 Central .

-Quick reminder of rule changes:

  • Touchbacks are now at the 35-yard line. If you root for the Chargers, huzzah: now your team can attempt a FG after two first downs.

 

  • The kickoff rule was tinkered further. How about a peek at the changes?

 

SPROTS TONITE

All times Central.

GRANDES LIGAS

As always, slur free.

Medias Rojas (May) @ Y*nk*s (Rodón) – 6:00

 

WNBA

Indiana @ MinnesoUta – 6:00

 

TOP FLIGHT FÚTBOL

With apologies,

Lowratio league starts drafting in less than an hour, so gotta divert my attention to failing in a different endeavoUr.

/checks to see if fishing for compliments worked.

Tch. You’re a buncha bastards. Nevertheless, here.

 

FINALLY,

I got some complaints about some chalk talk that’s waaay off, in my view. First, the Kansas City Chiefs: yeah, they gonna win the division. That’s not one of my gripes.

-The Niners are getting a lot of pop to win the NFC West, and even go to the Owl. I disagree. 2025 has shown itself as being a Gemini Year, so I’d say the Arizona Cardinals are a likelier division winner.

-As to the NFL South Divisions, The Onion said it best 25 years ago.

-And finally finally: regarding rookie QB, 2025 #1 pick Cameron Ward… Yeah, I gotta ponder that one a bit more. I’m going into my room now.

/pushes door, walks through, closes.

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Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva
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WCS
Col. Duke LaCross

Have I missed the boat on the Freezer Vodka league? I went through my emails and never saw a notification or anything.

Mr. Ayo

Draft is Tuesday at 8pm DFO time. But yeah, looks like there’s only 13 teams right now.

SonOfSpam

A week from Tuesday (Sept 2).

Mr. Ayo

Yeah, that’s a Tuesday just like I said.

SonOfSpam

My mistake, time is a flat circle.

Gumbygirl

Are you not getting emails from Yahoo inviting you to join the league? I get them regularly, even though I joined months ago, and changed my team name. You need to talk to GTD before Tuesday, to make sure you are in. I did notice that the matchups are correct for this season, but the list of teams under it is from last season.

Col. Duke LaCross

Got the invite this morning. Thanks!

BC Dick

Somehow I got an “F” grade for my bottom tier DFO fantasy draft. I didn’t even think that was possible.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The players in this Medvedev-Bonzi match are hamming it up so much that I half-expect Coach Reid to appear in the stadium and storm the court.

2Pack

Old Klaus Kinski movies are much better with Deborah Caprioglio in them. But alas… time to go run…

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Evening. Have the DFO shares gone to the moon yet?

WCS

Deimos, one of Mars’ moons.

Doktor Zymm

It’s been too long since I’ve been to the Caribbean

2Pack

A slightly delayed Sunday Gravey remark.

IMG-20250815-WA0001
Gumbygirl

I just came back from the bathroom to find Henry the Cat facedown in my wine. He should be fun to watch in a little while.

BeefReeferLives

Ooo. Hope it was just a bit and he just gets a buzz.

Gumbygirl

He’s a mad puker, so I’m expecting enormous quantities of barf.

Doktor Zymm

Drinky kitty!

WCS

Comp’ed night off for 16-hours means posting up in the WCS wing of the house with a gummy and Rifftrax.

ArmedandHammered

The theme specific compilations lately have been fun.

yeah right

I’m thinking of opening a team merchandise store for the Hot Meaty Milkshakes.

Get them now before all the cool kids buy it up!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Medvedev causing a fantastic and hilarious commotion at the U.S. Open.

Mr. Ayo

This is fantastic. Proper NY crowd there.

Doktor Zymm

In the first episode of Death in Paradise the new detective shows up to solve the murder of his predecessor. Then in the first episode of the 3rd season he gets murdered and the new detective shows up to solve his murder. But then after that none of the detectives get murdered at all, they just go back to the UK totally alive and none of the new detectives have to solve the murder of previous detectives! How lame

Doktor Zymm

I also appreciated the scene where detective #2 totally failed to assemble a basic hammock stand

ArmedandHammered

I loved the very first detective.

ballsofsteelandfury

To this day, my parents refuse to watch the episode where he gets killed off. We skip directly to the next episode.

BC Dick

I don’t even bother keeping track of the nebbish detectives. I just want to see Camille.

Redshirt

The Reds refuse to be swept! The Reds also refuse to win series, learn from their mistakes and play up to their potential, but they still do refuse to be swept.

yeah right

The Angels on the other hand offered much less resistance.

SonOfSpam

They know their duty in late August. It’s doormat time!

WCS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X1F0DLWb2-M

Neal Young sort of gets overlooked in the whole “Canadian stereotype” hockey, Rush, syrup, misplaced “u’s,” etc.

Gumbygirl

I saw Neil on the Rust Never Sleeps tour. Yes, I’m old.

Bogdanski

Appreciate for the musical quality and my ff team name

WCS
Horatio Cornblower

20 emails.

Time to stretch out the deletin’ finger!

Horatio Cornblower

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Horatio Cornblower

I’m about done with my 13%er, so this seems like a great time to open up the ol’ work laptop and get a jump on all the emails that came in while I was off on Friday.

Doktor Zymm

Hammock nap

WCS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCxZT_VdOaI

I bet yinz didn’t know Michael Bay got his start shooting local Yinzburgh lawyer commercials, did you?

WCS
WCS
Brick Meathook

“Your honor, my counsel is . . .” (drum roll):

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Gatoraids

Good night moonlight liabilities

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2x0fPgAj_Y

Gumbygirl

This was the guy in the desert.https://youtu.be/i_dYuNZhHVY?si=_K-BItLf86p3F0lV

Horatio Cornblower

ESPN announcers talking up Anthony Volpe’s defense is all you need to know about how much baseball these guys watch that they’re not paid to, because Anthony Volpe leads all SS is errors this year.

Brick Meathook

“Still Life With $5 Dollar Bill”

https://ibb.co/VWcYkyx3

ballsofsteelandfury

If anyone has any doubts that AI will NOT bring about the end of humanity, all you have to do is read the Yahoo Draft Grades.

WCS

Haven’t they been the same five or six phrases for literally a decade now, though? AI is too lazy to Skynet us yet.

Horatio Cornblower

We’re doing just fine on our own. AI has plenty of time to catch up on its shows while we poison our water and air.

Doktor Zymm

I think I got a D+ last season with Saquon and Henry as my top 2 picks

Horatio Cornblower

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Just poured this beer and then realized it’s 13%.

I’ll be retiring earlier than I thought this evening.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I got a D too!

Jimbo

-Not D. Favre.

ArmedandHammered

She’s used to only getting D-

Horatio Cornblower

-Jenn Sterger, wondering why she even bothers to open texts.

WCS

/Buddy Cole has entered the chat

Gumbygirl

For all of the Lowratio League- pay no attention to the draft grade. I got a D- last season, and I won the damn thing!

LemonJello

D. Predicted to be 13th in the standings at the end of the season.

I see that I have access to all the draft grades, so I’ll get that preview put together.

Last edited 6 months ago by LemonJello
yeah right

Rock solid C grade.

Brick Meathook

Alexander Hamilton with another shot:

https://ibb.co/1fqdMRsd

Bogdanski

Woohoo! D+!

yeah right

I think I’m good with the draft.

Sorry Redshirt. Burrow is my QB.

Redshirt

.

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LemonJello

Lowratio Leaguers,

If you want, send me your AI generated draft grades and any comments and I’ll throw something of a season preview together.

Or don’t. I’m not your supervisor.

Last edited 6 months ago by LemonJello
Horatio Cornblower

C+. This means I have to be considered an early favorite for promotion.

“In a draft that can only be described as a cautious stroll through the park, Raccoon With A Meth Pipe managed to snag a C+ grade. With a projected record of 8-6-0, they are aiming for a solid 5th place finish in TWBS Memorial Lowratio League. Their draft strategy? Let’s just say it was more ‘let’s not mess this up’ than ‘let’s go for glory’. With the 7th pick, they took a few risks that may or may not pay off, but hey, at least they didn’t draft a kicker in the first round, right?

With the 5th toughest schedule looming, Raccoon With A Meth Pipe will need to channel their inner underdog to make the playoffs, where only 6 out of 14 teams will survive. They did manage to score their best pick with Hunter Henry, who fell a bit later than expected, but then there was that head-scratching choice of Emeka Egbuka that might leave fans scratching their heads for weeks. Let’s just hope they can navigate those bye weeks and avoid a meltdown! After all, if anyone can turn a C+ draft into a playoff run, it’s Raccoon With A Meth Pipe!”

Bogdanski

Rod Rust never sleeps Drafts Like a Pro… in a Parallel Universe!
In a stunning display of drafting prowess, Rod Rust never sleeps kicked off their season with the first overall pick and somehow managed to snag a D+ grade. With a projected record of 7-7-0, they might want to start practicing their victory dance for the playoffs—oh wait, they’re projected to finish 7th! The schedule isn’t doing them any favors either, coming in as the 12th toughest out of 14 teams. Looks like they’ll need more than just luck to turn this ship around.

Despite a few bright spots, like the savvy selection of Keenan Allen who was drafted at 140, beating his ADP of 129, the team also made a head-scratching move with Stefon Diggs, who was taken at 85 when he was projected to go at 101. Maybe they were just trying to keep things interesting? With three players on bye week 5, Rod Rust never sleeps might just have to invent a new strategy called ‘The Bye Week Shuffle.’ Here’s hoping they can turn that D+ into a C- by the end of the season—after all, it’s all about the journey, right, Rod Rust never sleeps?

Horatio Cornblower

I was actually taking Allen that round if you had not. He’s a risk this year, imo, but was good value there.

You thieving bastard.

Bogdanski

Thank you. It’s always nice to know I’ve specifically screwed someone

Horatio Cornblower

Just took Tua as my back-up QB, something I’m sure I won’t regret given recent history.

LemonJello

I’m sure the medical staff will take great care of his back this season.

ArmedandHammered

The Joker seems to be playing hurt. And the black clostes, the facial hair, and short haircut, he really is leaning into the villan asthetic.

Doktor Zymm

Good luck and/or lick to all Lowratio League participants!

litre_cola

All of my guys were good 3 – 5 years ago..

Brick Meathook
WCS

I’ve had dreams set in rooms like this. Stay out of my brain.

LemonJello

My draft strategy so far:

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Doktor Zymm

Pusheen! Yay!

Horatio Cornblower

First three picks for me are all RBs.

This team would be lights out in 1985.

ArmedandHammered

Or playing a game during a hurricane.

Redshirt

So, they changed the kickoff to the Woke, er sorry, Dynamic Kickoff to reduce the amount of kickoffs, and then they changed the touchback rules to increase the amount of kickoffs?

Last edited 6 months ago by Redshirt
ballsofsteelandfury

Also, I love that Guata Peor is a PR thing too…

ballsofsteelandfury

I expect full updates of all draft fuck ups

Bogdanski

Who should I curse by making them my #1 overall pick in tabs league?

Bogdanski

Twbs league. Stupid autocorrect

scotchnaut

Saquon should get injured this year after playing a full season last year.

Bogdanski

Well now he won’t since I went bijan. You’re welcome philly fans

litre_cola

Appreciated.

Horatio Cornblower

Back from Vermont just in the nick of time for the Lowratio League draft.

Raccoon With A Meth Pipe is picking 7th; let’s see how they fuck this up!

ArmedandHammered

Racoon with a Meth Pipe is the mascot for at least 5 High Schools in West Virginia and 6 in Ohio.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’ve driven through the Ohio-WV border. That is one sketchy as fuck place.

ArmedandHammered

Entry in yearbook for “Racoon with a Meth Pipe” – voted most likely to succeed, voted as Prom King as well as Homecoming King. Passed away before graduation.

Gumbygirl

Not before knocking up three sophomores. His legacy will live on!

ArmedandHammered

That was Lowratio in a tanuki suit and a bubble pipe….

ArmedandHammered

I assume he had to go to HS somewhere.

Horatio Cornblower

it’s not really a career that requires a high school degree.

ArmedandHammered

Duh, you get kicked out for impregnating sophomores, just ask my Senior English Teacher.

Gumbygirl

Tanuki!

1000007668
litre_cola

Ligue Deu drafts in 45 mins for those who observe

yeah right

I’ll be present and properly lubricated.

LemonJello

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