The Denouement
We sat in the exact same chairs except Mark was now seated at the other head of the table. I had prepped Destiny on what was going to happen, so she didn’t make any wrong moves. The only ones not in on the scheme were Eve and Bob.
Eve was being her usual bitchy self, complaining about her co-workers. Bob was trying his level best to insert his tongue in my client’s ass. Destiny was unusually quiet, but that was actually fine. I didn’t really want her to have a leading role in this drama.
As the coffees were being served, I looked at Mark. He nodded. It was a bit gauche to discuss these matters at the dinner table, but time was running short and we were not of the high society anyway. I was about to open my mouth when Eve made an announcement.
“Everyone. I didn’t think I was going to mention it tonight, but I’m so happy that I can’t hide it!”
If her demeanor was happy, I would hate to see her slightly annoyed.
“Bob and I just got married!”
I looked at Mark, then at Destiny. She mouthed, “I had no idea!” The old man let out a small fart.
“Dad!”
“Sorry, baby! Just so happy for you! Congratulations!”
I would hate to see him at a poker table.
I chimed in, “Yes, congratulations to you both!” I shook Bob’s hand. It was cold and clammy. I quickly pulled it away.
“However, before I ask where you are registered, I do have something to say.”
Destiny tensed up.
“Eve, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your new husband is a homicidal maniac using your father’s organization to provide bodies for experiments at CalTech.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“To my left is my good friend Mark from the LAPD. He has been investigating the organization and has found some pretty gruesome things.”
Bob was surprisingly calm. Didn’t register any emotion. I would be broke if the dining room table had been a poker table.
Mark proceeded to lay out all the evidence he had gathered. He had pictures, transcripts of conversations, and copies of receipts and invoices. I guess there were definite advantages to banging married LAPD accountants. When Mark was finished, Eve started to cry.
“So, you see, Bob, we have enough evidence to send you away for a long time. But we are a charitable lot here. If you promise to quit the job at the homeless organization, annul your marriage, and leave the country, you can stay out of jail. It’s a helluva deal. What do you say?”
Bob stood up. Mark stood up and reached inside his jacket.
“No need to reach for your gun, officer.”
“Chief Detective”
“Whatever.”
He opened his jacket and showed he did not have a gun. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a half-smoked cigar and a lighter. He lit it and put the lighter back in his pocket.
“I like to call it ‘reviving the dead’. I’m talking about the cigar, of course, but it nicely applies to my little enterprise.”
“Bob!”
“Shut up, Eve! I’ve got a nice little nest egg for us saved up. It was going to be your wedding present! You could finally leave your stupid job and have a life of leisure, like you deserve.”
The old man let out another fart.
“The answer to your question is, of course, no. Just the fact that you gave me an out tells me you are bluffing. I know that no one wants to know that the money they voted for is being given to an organization engaged in wholesale murder for profit. So, you do have your answer to the puzzle, but you will do nothing about it.”
I had not expected him to call my bluff. I was rather hoping things could be tied in a neat little bow. So much for that. On to Plan B.
“Shall we take drinks in the outdoor patio?”
Bob replied, “That would be lovely. Thanks, Nick!”
I gave Destiny a look. She looked back. She grabbed her purse and walked behind all of us to the patio. I wanted her safely out of harm’s way.
Everyone took positions in a semi-circle while Bob stood alone at the center, leaning on the marble rail. Bob took a long sip from his drink. He looked at the moonlit garden and then turned around.
“So, officer and mister private dick, what exactly are you going to do about this?”
He hocked up a loogie and spit it into the bush below him. He looked straight at me when he spoke his next words.
“I’ll tell you the answer. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”
Out of impotence or rage, I ran towards him. Two yards away from him, I felt a fly zip past my ear and the moon got turned off.
***
I woke up ten minutes later on one of the patio chairs.
“That had to be one of the funniest things I have ever seen!”
Mark was laughing again. It was starting to get annoying.
“What happened?”
“You rushed him, tripped, and fell over the rail. Luckily, you landed on the bush. I’m afraid some loogie got on you.”
“Eww. Wait, what about Bob?”
“He’s either dead or extremely sleepy.”
I looked around. Bob’s dead body was lying on the floor directly in front of the rail. He had a bullet hole where Indians believe the third eye is.
“Who?”
“Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to.”
***
“Wait, let me get a pen.”
Canadians are charming in their ancient ways. He came back on the line.
“Okay, so who was doing the killings?”
“Randoms. Gang members. Thugs. All of them one and dones.”
“But how did he maintain quality standards?”
“Jesus!”
“Well?”
“They were all given strict instructions. If the instructions were not followed, the killer wasn’t paid.”
“Isn’t that a lot of killers?”
“You’ve never been to Los Angeles, have you?”
***
The Ducks were in town and it was a little harder to get tickets, but I’d manage to score a couple in the 100 level. She looked stunning, as per usual.
Mark had made sure everyone turned into Sergeant Schultzes. I had arranged for my buddies in low places to turn Bob into untraceable dust. My client was happy and had rewarded me handsomely. At least someone thought I was handsome.
“What’s on your mind, pretty boy?”
I grumbled.
“You know, it’s not fair that all of you are in on this big secret and I’m not.”
“Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to.”
“Yeah, I know. That’s what Mark says too. It’s getting annoying.”
“Well let me brighten your day then. I have some good news for you.”
“Hit me.”
“I’m a widow again.”
I’m an asshole, but I’m not that much of an asshole.
“I’m really sorry.”
“It’s okay. It was terminal. Just a matter of time.”
“Now I feel like an asshole. Wait, you said good news?”
“Yeah, you can date me without a guilty conscience.”
“I’m here, aren’t I?”
“Yeah. Maybe you are handsome after all.”
I smiled like an idiot. I really did not know why.
“You know, I like hockey and I love getting dressed up for you, but I want to pick our next date.”
“Sure! Whatever you want!”
“I want to go to a Shooting Gallery.”
“Like in Disneyland? I love that! I gotta warn you, I’m pretty good!”
“Oh yeah, care to put a wager on it?”
“Whatever you want.”
“Okay, I win, you make me come first. You win, I make you come first.”
“Duh! Deal!”
“But two things.”
“Yeah?”
“I gotta warn you; I’m a crack shot.”
I laughed, “Okay”
“And we’re going to a real shooting range.”
The horn sounded. The Ducks had taken a 2-1 lead.
whew
[SoS wiping the sweat under his manboobs and realizing there was no lice this one time]
Holy Bananas! That was a great game. Preceded by two other amazing tilts. This has been an unbelievable day for hockey-watching. There can’t be a day that has been better.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhnUgAaea4M
I’m no hockey expert, but if I were the Swedes I’d have tried to get some shots on goal in that OT.
USA! USA! USA!
FREEBIRD!
Man City lurking for the title is weird to me but here we are.
Yes.
Indeed.
Here we are.
Free hockey!
Shit!
1-1 OT looms…
Wow. SWE ties it, 1-1
1:31 left in regulation.
And the Swedes make it interesting.
I’ll say.
Fucking Keystone Kops routine from Arsenal.
THE LAST PLACE TEAM IN THE PREMIER LEAGUE? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!
This team should change their name to “Bottle Service”.
(the minus is for the Gunners, not you)
That’s at least 2 and maybe 3 games they’ve lost after 90 minutes.
Fuck ’em. Give it to Man City.
Canada did fairly well in short track speedskating and it’s a bit of a surprise to realize how many Quebecois contributed to that medal count.
If the Swedes can convince Hellebuyck that this game is part of the Stanley Cup play-offs they’ll put 5 past him in the 3rd period.
1-0 USA 2nd INT
MCAVOY
1-0 USA
U.S. sneaks one through like the dirty weasels that they are.
U.S. struggling vs Sweden and if they win they play a resourceful Finnish team that beat Sweden and had a remarkable comeback vs the Swiss.
/I say that fully acknowledging that Canada squeaked out a W vs Czechia
Please don’t refer to northern Atlantic countries as “resourceful” in this political climate.
It went overlooked last night: Hippo and the esteemed late-tWBS’ wolven sort utterly prison-bitched U*NC last night. 82-58 final in Raleigh.
That’s probably ALWAYS worth a #5thPill.
He refused to watch so I gave him updates on the score and my young man crush (“ewww!”) Quadir Copeland, who had an excellent game.
Second period about to start, no score.
Kaitlin Olson was so much better looking before the plastic surgery.
She’s leaned into it a bit too hard.
I blame her husband for remaking his body, no doubt through hard work and other natural means.
Can’t imagine why AJ Mleczko has a case of the munchies while doing hockey commentary sitting next to Snoop Dogg.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LasrD6SZkZk
Sorry, Sweden. You may have incredibly beautiful, even supernaturally beautiful royalties (I HAVE A TYPE DAMMIT), but this is MURICKA
Still waiting for the “CANADA, excuse me, sorry” song.
Finland rallies over the Swiss, 3-2 in OT.
Finns were down 2-0 in the third, 2-1 LATE in the third.
Swiss remained too neutral to stop their advance.
Filthy neutrals…
Shooting to see who gets to come first. What a Hallmark ending…
/Ron Howard voiceover: “It was not, in fact, all wrapped up in a neat little package”
I know!
US Men currently in the lead in men’s XC team relay. Don’t expect this to last, but what an effort by Ben Ogden.
Norwegian just went by him like he was skiing in mud.
USA will be playing for silver
And they get the silver. Outstanding achievement in the field of excellence for them.
That Norwegian anchor guy won his 8th gold. Not fully convinced he’s human.
3-man overtime is bonkers.
Czechs have not lost that much that quickly since Adolph snatched the Sudetenland!
/Sorry, that was Austria doing the losing. Should have gone with 1968 Warsaw Pact invasion, but apparently my coffee has yet to kick in or just a mental block repressing everything I learned in the Sound of Music . . .
No, the Czechs were the losers in the Sudetenland. Austria pretty much just opened the door and let the Nazis stroll in. ‘The Anschluss’
Mitch Marner you son of a bitch.
3-3 with two minutes left, good jerb Canadia getting back even.
Oh my.
Indeed. Our neighbors are in trouble.
O (no) Canada!
How pissed would NBC be at a Sweden-Czechia gold medal game?
MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!
always the bridesmaid, never the bride
Eve was cool with Bob being turned into hog feed?
Would you rather she be married to him?
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/-t2j-VTdLKU
As long as she doesn’t have to go swimming through pig shit Eve will be fine.
Bricktop was a great character, whole movie’s fun
Not a great start for the Czechs.
I stand corrected. Guess the Canadians should have…checked…their optimism!
(audience boos)
/a giant hook appears and yanks me offstage
//the sounds of a vicious beating are heard from the wings
(audience cheers)
A real shooting range is of course where you hunt the most dangerous game… man!
/Too soon for the story?
//Not soon enough for the story?
///Way to not die in your story, as opposed to Bob.