Have an extra drink (or PILL – we believes in diversity and inclusion here at DFO) for Wembley’s groundskeeping crew.  Three finals (each potentially going 120 minutes) in three days, starting with The Most Valuable Match in Football as Luton Town and Coventry City square off for the last golden ticket to the Premier League (11:40, ESPN+).  Needless to say, these are NOT your typical, poorly-run “yo-yo” clubs, like Middlesborough, Watford, etc.  Whoever wins today will be held up as the example of why sportsball allows EVERYONE to dream big.

Then, the 2023-24 will play out, they’ll accumulate 15-20 points, and scatter with the wind.

But for today, let’s be optimists.  Or at least “Happy Drunks.”  This match will be fun, and a hard-earned reward for somebody.

Carlisle and Stockport County battle in the League 2 final on Sunday (8:25, ESPN+), followed by Monday Funday in League 1, with Miracle Working Wednesday Addams taking on Surely Doomed Barnsley in the League 1 final (9:55, ESPN+).  Three day weekends are great, especially with sommet to watch.

Of course, Sunday also brings you existential dread from around the Prem.  Really, all that’s left is the arse end – Top 4 are all set in stone, the Shite can ONLY finish in their current 5th, same for Brighton in 6th (but seriously, Zooropa proper for a club that’s NEVAR played in continental competition before- job well-damned done!).  Spurs need to better Villa’s result for 7th and Zooropa NIT qualification.  They will not be arsed in the least.

But all eyes will be on 17th through 19th.  Only Still Quite Disappointing Everton control their own destiny, but Leeds or Leicester COULD catch them.  First, the trailers would have to win.  Leeds would also need a Leicester loss or draw, due to their putrid goal differential.  Then, an Everton non-win.  Leicester would finish 17th with a win and Everton draw, whereas that formula only works for Leeds if they win by 3 or more soccer points (not bloody likely if you’ve seen those chucklefucks play – but you never know, any given Sunday yada yada).

My money would be on a lifeless draw between Everton and yeah right’s Beached Cherries…and Leeds and Leicester both lose.  Because it’s been that kind of season, for all three.

I will tell you this much – this is a return engagement for Leeds and Everton, having to white knuckle the prior season’s end as well.  And such is absolutely exhausting, no idea how anyone could handle three years running (if either survives, they’ll likely be in the muck again).  I wouldn’t wish it on…no, I would VERY MUCH wish it on the Shite, because I am a spiteful and petty Hippo.

Leicester is more likely than Leeds to pull their nuts out of this year’s fire, but they are even more clearly doomed next season (if they get a reprieve).  Don’t let your roster all get old at once, this is what happens.  They have almost no assets to sell (Maddison running his contract down means he’ll be sold for shillings on the Brexit Buck), and no youthful depth waiting to shine.  They’re just seven kinds of fucked.  Like Old Man Vardy’s liver.

Enjoy the action, and whatever else one does with their weekend.  Oh, and this Memorial Day, remember to wish Daddy Vladdy Putin a particularly unpleasant and ignominious death.