Enter the Preseason – Sunday Open Thread

This is the problem. Jesus needs to be decisive on the handoff. A deep zone is not Gethsemane. Just run the play as designed by the coach! Everyone wants to play heroball, keeping the ball to the last moment smfh. At least chip the defender with your butt, Christ!

NFL NEWS

From espendeportes:

-The MRI says… Cooper Kupp can come back en algunas semanas. Algunas, of course, means “some”, but in certain contexts can mean “few”. Seeking to clarify the reports, Sean McVay added veremos qué sucede, which means

-SUSPENDED under the conduct policy:

Alvin Kamara (NO) –  3 games

Misses games against TEN (Ed. Note: 🎉🎊), CAR, and GB.

Chris Lammons (HUMPS) – 3 games

D’Wayne Eskridge (SEA) – 6 games

Charles Omenihu (CHEFS) – 6 games

-The February 11, ‘24 Owl, to be played in Las Vegas, Den of Sin, will be broadcast by Nickelodeon. This will be an alternate transmission additional to the normie broadcast, which features a more adult vibe: glorification of violence, narration peppered with shits and fucks, and adultery advocacy. I will stay tuned to this Owl on Nick story if the Pauls go on a playoff run, just to keep tabs on the public relations gymnastics.

Counterpoint: Cleveland… AFC Champion?

-SUSPENDED under the substance policy:

Ronald Jones (NGCP) – 2 games

Reminder: the Dallas RB room has Tony Pollard (ankle surgery on Jan. ’23), Jones, and the following: Rico Dowdle, Malik Davis, and Deuce Vaughn.

Related: What sort of internal meltdown would keep the Iggles from winning the NFC East by Week 13? Is 2023 the year of Dime Magic? OR: could the Commies pose a threat riding the new owner vibes? To the schedule!

Washington starts the season: v. ARI, @ Donks Woo!, v. Bills, @ Iggles, v. Bears, @ Falcons. Go 2-6 or worse, and it’s open purge talk by the new Central Committee and not-that-quiet tanking for the 2024 #1 pick lose-off with Arizona. So yeah, that Week 1 Cards @ Commies has very high stakes.

–Updated player news, from The House Organ. Notables:

Bills activate DT Jordan Phillips, formerly on the purportedly unsuited to partake list.

-Also from THO, according to Sean Payton, QB Russell Wilson and starters will play in the preseason opener. It’s against the Cards on August 11.

Birdcano with hella pop on this post yeah.

-From Fox Sports, the Loins sell out season tickets for the first time in 21 years. Grain of salt, given the Fox stamp. And Detroit NFC North Champ is the hivemind / overexposure of the 2023 offseason. But, OK. I swear to give the Loins a fair chance to whelm me, in spite of knowing they will get creamed by the Chefs on Week 1 given Andy Reid’s record of Ws after only ONE bye week.

, it is a long season and judgment should be withheld. That is the adult mindset.

To be fair, this personal growth was not the product of intellect or honest introspection. I must give credit to the self-help wisdom I found on “Riding Codependence”, later adapted into the musical “Woo Me, Love Me… Eff Meee!”.

-Fox also reported that Niners QB Brock Purdy feels “normal”, meaning his throwing arm (per headline) and feeling disgusted at the communist and pederast agenda of the Biden Crime Family (presumed).

SPROTS TONITE

All times Central.

GRANDES LIGAS

Doyers (Lynn) @ Padres (Hill) – 6:00

TOP FLIGHT FÚTBOL

Keepin’ it local tonight.

EE.UU. (Leagues Cup)

FC Dallas hosts Inter Miami CF – 8:30

This game I call it superhero flic character development because Imma shove backstory down your throat foie gras style.

The Miami coach is Gerardo “Tata” Martino, Argentinian. Before he took the Miami job, Martino coached El Tri for the 2022 World Cup. The Mexican press gave him shit from the start because of being an Argentino de m**rd*. Which is seldom half right, as most Hispanics know. After the Mundial debacle in Qatar, the Mexican media, in all platforms, tarred, feathered, beat, burned, pissed on, acid washed, and then shit on the image of Tata Martino.Then, in March of this year, Martino said Mexican league players were overvalued:

In any place in the world, a footballer that has that value internally undoubtedly has that value in the foreign market. I always said having this sensation of living in a parallel market where there is one value inside and outside it does not exist.

The clunky translation’s mine, but here’s the tone in the original Spanish: Mexican league = shit,

Now, in Miami, Martino is in his third stint with You Know Who, whom Martino coached at the Argentina National Team and Barcelona. Miami has been very accommodating to… Him. Hard Rock Café is developing a Messi chicken sandwich, as an alternative to the Messi burger, served since 2021. And Miami also exhumed the bones of Barça’s Sergio Busquets and Jordi Alba to join Team-Leo’s cocoon.

Martino already relied on Messindulgence, and the Miami project presents a tidy go-with-the-multinational-dough-flow, unburdened from the weight of UEFA and the insane fuckheads of national federations. The most pressure Tata would be under is if / when Miami plays Mexican teams at continentals. Like a couple of days from now, in the Leagues Cup. My guess Tata is in the middle of one of those semi-retirement dealies I’ve heard about lately. He’s already in Miami, duh! Huh?

That’s quite the gig. Full respect.

Equal time for Dallas FC, here’s a factoid: its stadium’s Lactating Room is women’s only. Texas!

WOMEN’S WORLD CUP

England v. Nigeria – 2:30 AM

Australia v. Denmark – 5:30 AM

FINALLY,

the slate for Placebo Ball Week 2:

Trouble with the image? Email WhoAskewStudios@🖕🏼.org.

The most drama I see is the Pats vs. Texans, which would allow for poaching or cross-pollinating management types. And the first appearance of the Payton Donks Woo! regime, starring Russ Wilson. Wouldn’t turn on my leper lappy to get a stream of any of them, but wouldn’t mind a peek.

This is the time when the itching starts, but I’m keeping it together. Although I’m getting the feeling that the Bears will be flexed sometime late in the season. Ok maybe I’m not THAT together. Psht, I can ride delusions with intermittent anxieties before and during the apocalypse. In the alternative, narcotics. Por los siglos de los siglos, amén.

Gifs from giphy.com, banner via feminismandreligion.com