Everyone on the Internet is wrong: A Balls Wild Card Preview

As you already know,  we have four games this weekend. That much there is no argument about.  As to who will win,  that’s where we get into a bit of a gray area.  How gray?

Despair not,  dear friends, as I’m here to dispel Wild Card myths.  I’m also here to talk about a show that the entire American Internet hates.  Of course,  they’re wrong.

But let’s start at the beginning.

The first game on Saturday features the Oakland RAAIIIIDEERRRRRSS against a team that doesn’t exist.

Myth#1: The Carr-less Raiders don’t have a chance

Now, everyone is writing off Oakland because Derek Carr is out. Plus, the home team always,  supposedly,  has the advantage. In fact,  the Texans (?) are favored by almost exactly that home field advantage of 3 points. (The actual line as of this writing is 3.5)

Well friends,  I’m not just saying this because RTD is my friend and it would make him happy: the Raiders have a legitimate shot to win this game! Think about it.  What does any team need in order to keep games close? A running game.  Oakland still has that! If the game is close,  what takes a team over the top? A coach with balls! Oakland still has that!

I say the Raiders cover the spread and may even have a chance at the end to win it.  It all depends on whether the defence steps up (which they will. They’re not exactly facing an offensive juggernaut here) and whether Jano is drunk enough to make his field goals.

The second game features the Detroit Fuck Lions traveling to Seattle to take on the Seahawks.

Myth#2: The Lions have a chance

Now,  the Internet says that Seattle have not been playing well this year and that the Lions can spring the upset. The line is current at 8 points.

Do not listen to the radio shows pitching this as their Upset Special of the Weekend.  That’s horseshit. The Lions had a road playoff game against the Packers to win the division and got their asses kicked.  They will do so again in Seattle.

On Sunday,  we start off with the Steelers hosting the Dolphins.

Myth#3: The Steelers will roll over the Dolphins

The line is 10 points for fucks sake! ¡10! ¡DIEZ! This Dolphins team embarrassed the Steelers earlier this year and their running back made the defense look like traffic cones. The overwhelming thinking on the Internet is that both teams are different and this will be a completely different game.

I agree that it will be different,  but not that the Steelers will destroy the Dolphins.  The Dolphins will keep it uncomfortably close thanks to that aforementioned running game.  As a homer,  I’m obliged to say that the Steelers will win,  but not by 10. I think a nice safe bet is to tease the Steelers and Seahawks down.

The last game features the New York Football Giants (official pretentious writer name) visiting the Green Bay Packers.

Myth#4: The Packers will roll over the Giants

I really don’t understand this one.  The line is 10 points for the Packers.  ¿Seriously? ¿Are we motherfucking serious right now? I know we all like to make fun of Eli,  but he is a good QB with 2 Super Bowl rings.  Aaron Rodgers doesn’t have that. Eli also has a damn good defence that can cause turnovers and keep games close.  A perfect example was last week’s win over Washington.  The Giants had nothing to play for and still won.

Now,  maybe Aaron pulls off some late game tricks to win the game,  but it’s not a ten point victory. That’s just

If you want to make it a three-team teaser,  take Steelers -4, Seahawks -2, and Giants +16.

Now,  let’s talk about something that’s been bugging me for a while.

Myth#5: Pacific Heat is like Archer.  And it sucks. 

Let me start off by saying that I’ve watched the entire first season.  TWICE.  And I’m probably going to re-watch soon.

As someone that has seen and enjoyed the show,  let me first of all say

¡THIS IS NOT ARCHER.  I MET ARCHER.  WORKED WITH HIM. PLAYED TENNIS WITH HIM. YOU SIR,  ARE NO ARCHER!

Anyone get that vague political reference? Anyhoo,  the primary mistake that reviewers are making, and I dare you to do a Google search and find ONE review that doesn’t do this,  is that they compare the show to Archer. The only thing similar to Archer is the animation style.  That’s it.  And it’s really not that similar.

Upon repeat viewings,  I realized that this show is really more like Police Squad.  The show that gave us Frank Drebin and, in the movies, O.J. Simpson in a likable role as a bumbling idiot.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZc1gOQquZs

Tell me that isn’t funny.  Sure, not every single joke is laugh out loud funny,  but the entire thing is. Now watch this preview of Pacific Heat:

Do you see the parallels? Both series feature rapid fire jokes that may be missed the first time.  For Pacific Heat,  it doesn’t help that the Aussie accents are difficult to understand sometimes.  The Veronica character, in particular,  is difficult to get.

Both shows are parodies of genres.  Police Squad took on the police dramas/procedurals of the 70s and 80s while Pacific Heat is taking on the spy/action film and police show genres of today.

Both are inherently silly and quite frankly stupid sometimes.  It’s silly humor,  but it’s funny. Mindless funny is good too.

Can you believe that Police Squad only aired 6 episodes and was cancelled? It was not appreciated in its time.  I actually remember watching it on TV and not getting half the jokes.  Upon repeated viewings,  however,  things started to make sense and I saw what the creators were doing.

The good thing is that Netflix is tailor-made for repeated viewings.  So it is that I’ve gotten to understand and appreciate what Pacific Heat brings to the table.

Everyone on the Internet is hating on this series because of what it is not.  Instead,  they should be looking at what it is: a throwback to an earlier time and a type of show that’s essentially disappeared from the airwaves.

Not all the jokes are going to land,  but overall it’s pretty funny and there is some good satire and parody there.

I don’t expect to convince all of you to like it.  After all,  there are a lot of people that didn’t like Police Squad.

One more note: A lot of reviewers are saying the show is sexist and racist.

It is.  Like all good satire and parody is. Are you going to call this racist too?

Besides,  Pacific Heat shits on New Zealanders way worse than Asians.

Give it a shot and then call me an a-hole and tell me I’m wrong.

Or you can tell me in the comments.