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Bal @ Cle: 34% of the Ravens salary is on either the IR or PUP list. These folks include Flacco, Forsett, Smith Sr., Suggs, Perriman and Pitta. Needless to say, Baltimore wants a do-over for 2015. Sir Matthew of Schaubton gets the start tonight unlike the human self-destruct button that is QB Manziel. If you were a Ravens 4th round rookie RB (Buck Allen) getting his very first start and could pick any team to play against you would probably pick the Browns and their league-worst run defense. Something to say about Cleveland…hmm…well, Gruden in his game teaser on ESPN (that Tirico didn’t bother to show up for) says that he’s a BIG FAN of the SUPER SPEEDY Travis Benjamin. He may have been reaching.
Your “It’s Come To This” AFC North Debacle Open Thread
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Let’s see if I can embed it
Yep, I hate Cleveland THAT much.— God (@TheTweetOfGod) December 1, 2015
Okay, so sitrep:
Just talked to wifey. Good news/bad news. Still don’t know where we stand, and probably won’t for a few days. She’s going to stay after her shift to get some tests done, but, they most likely won’t be able to determine much. We’re in a holding pattern. That’s the bad part. We’re not even parents yet, and this shit is utterly terrifying.
The good news is, she feels okay. She hasn’t felt worse since the incident, and is actually feeling a little bit better now. She even told me to get some sleep so, “one of us can be functional tomorrow (today).” It bears repeating she works in a birthing unit, so, she’s surrounded by a group of professionals who make this kind of thing their jorbs. That is also encouraging.
I am going to shower and try to get some sleep. It probably won’t work, but, worth a try. Sincere thanks to Entrophy for staying up with me through this, and to Commentist Party for general support. Yinz guys and gals are just terrific.
I hope everything turned out well, and you were able to get some sleep. Any time someone needs me to stay awake and post random shit spilling from my brain, I’m probably available.
Just read the whole thread. Hope everything is ok.
WCS:
If you need to talk, let me know. My wife has been pregnant 11 times; we have 2 kids. I know (sorta) what you’re feeling. But as scary as things are, maybe you can find a little comfort in this: when my wife was pregnant with our daughter, she started bleeding around 18 weeks. We were scared shitless that we were going to lose another. It all turned out OK (unlike other scares).
Stay (cautiously) optimistic and stay strong.
I hate to say this, because it sucks balls for you and it’s ‘typical’ male rah-rah shit, but… be strong for your wife, whatever happens. She’ll need you. Take any and all support you can get from anyone who offers it, because you’ll need to be strong for her, and be her rock.
Again, if you need to talk about this stuff, let me know. Easiest way is by emailing me. Jaemell is my handle on g mail.
Missed this last night, I was shoving the Christmas tree into the television because I was trying to poke Schaub in the eye after that interception.
Hope you guys are okay.
Very late to this thread but hang in there man and nothing but good thoughts headed your way. That happened to my wife once with our second, I think at about the same point your wife is at (18 weeks? I think?), and while both of us went to full on panic mode everything worked out and the OB/GYN, (an extremely patient woman), said that it wasn’t unheard of and was probably nothing.
Here’s hoping you get the same results.
After a lengthy rant regarding a lack of iOS-compatible contacts management software, author Warren Ellis had this to say:
“Your shitty future continues to offend me.”
I like it.
Remember how everybody had that weird Internet crush on Mary Elizabeth Winstead? And then she was in a few movies and everyone realized she couldn’t act for shit? Whatever happened to her? She was purty. I liked her.
http://www.laughspark.info/uploadfiles/mary-elizabeth-winstead-film-f-4420.jpg
WESTERN PA REPRESENT
I think I’ve been in this town, too. Jesus Christ.
A gram or two wouldn’t hurt at this point, either.
This is absolutely one of the weirdest nights of my life. I haven’t smoked in well over a decade, but, I really wouldn’t say no to a bowl or bong pack right now. Something to take the edge off. All I want to do is give the wifey a hug right now. The best I’ve got available is the cat and dog. I give them credit. They know something is off.
Thanks, Commentist comrades, for putting up with me right now. Music and nicotine right now.
Putting up with you? I’m the one word-vomitting up everything I can think of this eveni—- well, morning, now. If it’s helping, great. If not, I’m sorry. I can say this: I’m enjoying the music you’re posting. I do hope you can sit with your sife soon, and take comfort in each other.
It is helping. I do appreciate it. We haven’t told our parents yet. I came about thisclose to tell my brother on Thanksgiving he’ll be an uncle. I’m sincerely glad to be able to vent. I think I need a cup of coffee. Genuine gratitude for staying up.
Happy to help, in whatever small way I can.
I’ll put up the rest of my Paper Towns review if and when somebody wants it (I don’t want to spam the site with dumb shit no one wants to read), but in the meantime, I feel like I should bring up something we don’t discuss anywhere near around here:
Knives.
More specifically, good, multi-purpose, non-kitchen knives. And since it’s the holidays, I’ll bring up affordable, multi-use blades that come in rather handy for all manner of things, from cutting limbs off trees or puncturing the tires of your asshole co-worker who parks his Dodge Reliant K-car across three spaces “because, bro, it’s a classic.”
Tonight, we’ll discuss the Gerber Prodigy Tanto fixed blade knife, because it’s nice, cheap, and I have one sitting in front of me. It’s a smaller, civilian-purposed re-imagining of their LMF II combat-geared knife.
Here is what said blade looks like:
http://images.knifecenter.com/knifecenter/gerber/images/GB000558.jpg
This thing is 9.5″ long, with a full-tang, ceramic-coated blade length of 4.8″, ending in an emergency window-punch point. It’s almost .25″ thick, and the partially serrated blade allows you to cut damn near anything with it. The tanto tip makes for a fine piercing point, and having both a fine and serrated edge comes in handy whether you’re stripping bark from a piece of a tree or cutting rope for whatever hostage you’re trying to keep in place. It has a rubberized non-slip handle, and the ergonomic grip prevents slippage and inadvertantly slicing your own damn fingers off.
The sheath is hard plastic, with a button-down strap to help hold the blade in place. There are multiple attaching options for the sheath, and you can strap this thing down to damn near any other piece of kit without much difficulty. The onluy real drawback to the knife, in my opinion, is the camo finish to the sheath fabric, but that’s just me. I prefer a matte finish to my blades and sheaths.
I have used this knife while camping, to shave down various shrubbery for friends, and once to nail down a stubborn piece of decking when no one had a hammer. For under $70, it’s pretty damn affordable, too, and Amazon usually has it for far less than that price. I believe Ray Lewis would endorse this knife if asked, and if not, hurriedly hand it off to a confused friend with a promise to “make it all up to him later.”
The only drawback to the knife is the overall length; check with your municipality regarding carry laws and blade lengths, because some of these things can get you into trouble.
I got my “Wood Chip” badge in the Boy Scouts, for knife and axe safety, in 1973. In 1980 the U.S. Navy taught me how to disassemble and reassemble a M1911 .45ACP pistol without shooting myself or anyone else nearby. I fought the Cold War in a submarine engineroom armed with a 9/16th combination wrench, the preferred weapon for keeping out the Atlantic Ocean. But tell me: do you know any good kitchen knives? I’m shopping for one. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Jesus. OK, yeah, you got me in terms of non-kitchen knives (I use my outdoors knives for damn near everything except kitchen stuff, with the only “training” I have coming from instructional videos, my father, and in-the-field trial and error), and as for kitchen knives, it comes down to what you’re willing to spend. I’ve bought two knife sets in my life: an Onieda set from Target (worked out fine for me, holds an edge, decent weight, does everything I need them to do and then some) that was under $70, and a Henckels set that ran me about $150 bucks. I only bought the Henckels set because people roommates swiped some of my Onieda knives prior to my moving out.
The Henckels have been great for me; I admit I’m not much of a chef, but I use them fairly often, and I generally only have to sharpen them once a year for the main-use knives (the Santoku, Paring, and Chef knives). If you don’t want to spend a couple hundred bucks a knife, I have no problem with these knives. My actual chef friends look down on them, but they work out for me.
I tend to rely more on the user than the tool, though, which is why I generally buy middle-of-the-road equipment, whether it’s knives or art supplies: I rely on talent and determination to make the damn things work for me, rather than spend a ton of money and be unsure of what I’m getting from a $300 knife that I wouldn’t from a $30 knife. I could well be (and most likely am) wrong, but it’s served me well thus far.
Hay Sandy! Let your dog bi-i-i-ite!
I watched the movie Paper Towns like a week ago, and I have to say, the character played by Cara Delevigne is a complete and utter twit. She is dismissive, rude, unforgiving, and pretty much detestable. Maybe the book gives better reasoning for her wildly antagonistic behavior, but I doubt they would be able to explain away much of her attitude without turning her parents into complete monsters and making us wonder how her idyllic neighborhood full of nosy fucks doesn’t call the police. Like, ever. About anything.
Somehow, this movie manages to make me despise a woman who looks like this:
http://dazzlingcelebrity.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/cara-delevingne-hot-5.jpg
If it weren’t so stupid, it would be a hell of an achievement.
Anyway, the main character, a nebbishly little fuck named Quention (Q to his friends, because, well, Quentin wasn’t aggravating enough), is in love with this girl ever since they found a dead body together as children.
No shit, they used up Stand By Me‘s plot within the first 10 minutes of this movie, and neither child is traumatized by finding a dead guy in their neighborhood, sitting beneath a tree, after blowing his own damn head off. The gun is right next to the body, and all Margo can do is think about playing Nancy Drew. When she approaches Q to help with this insane plan, he declines, and they grow apart.
By the time their senior year rolls around, Q loves Margo, who has endearingly worldly thoughts like, “this whole town is a paper town, and I am just a paper girl,” despite the fact that they barely speak since the night of Failed Detecting. In the intervening year, Margo has run away on numerous occasions, and there are incredible rumors as to how she spent much of this time, which apparently occupied entire months. Somehow, this has not resulted in her parents’ ability to raise children being called into question, and we never see any police or other consequences of her actions. She just does her thing, Q becomes more delusional about her. When she finally reconnects with Q for one final night of behaving badly, he tags along, hemming and hawing all the way, and yet never realizes maybe this girl is terrible, and terrible for him.
After the Wild Night has fallen, Q wakes up, half convinced it was a dream. Of course it wasn’t, and he manages to convince himself this night has magically made Margo a wonderful girl who loves him, and he spends the next three days pining for her at school, despite LIVING ACROSS THE FUCKING STREE FROM HER, and never seeing her at home. At no time does he approach her parents regarding Margo’s disappearance, either.
Q somehow convinces his best friends (Guy Whose Parents Have Weird Hobby & Guy Who Is Obsessed With Sex, naturally), as well as Margo’s Extremely Hot Best Friend, that she left clues so that Q can find her and be with her and raise adorably idiotic children together.
This is Margo’s best friend:
Q spends [fully-clothed] time in a bathtub with her, and never once decides this sweet, loving girl is a better option than the vindictive runaway who abandoned her own sister to Monster Parents just so she could go live in a non-existent town.
—-Part Two to follow, if this doesn’t get me banned—–
I am willing to forgive this behavior:
http://www.klikk.no/pondus/img-1566434/alternates/FREE_960/473260635326499155160119.jpg
Something tells me this shirt is not ironic for this woman:
http://worldsstyle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Funny-T-Shirt-Sayings-for-Women.jpg
Have I mentioned lately I’m insomniac a lot of the time? And I fuckin hate it?
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m7ck64fkMe1r48nrko1_r2_500.gif
I don’t think I’m sleeping tonight, either. POST AWAY.
I’m going to go and just explain what’s happening. Wifey has been pregnant for the last few months with our first. Tonight, she calls from work thinking she may be miscarriaging. Now, she’s a nurse practitioner midwife, so, this is exactly in her realm of professional experience. However, it’s also her and our, first experience.
What looked to be doom as now been dialed back to “we wait and see.” I just got off the phone with her. Can you believe she’s doing a 16-hour shift at the hospital, and, chose to stay. She loves her job and the people under her care that much. Like I just told her, those are some brass balls. Like an Army captain taking care of his troops, despite a serious wound.
Your wife is a goddamn warrior.
Ah shit, kids. There may be some bad news in the WCS household. Not the “Stillers lost in Seattle” kind of thing. Really not good developments. I don’t know for sure yet, still waiting to see where things go.
I am sorry hear that bad news may be headed your way. I hope all turns out OK.
Be strong.
Appreciated.
A friend sent me a link to…. that site’s article about the Pats supposed refjob on SNF, and man, even if Uproxx hadn’t killed KSK, this article probably would have killed the site for me. If the Panthers get beat, will they be the focus of such a seemingly aghast think piece about the refs fucking over Carolina? No. The Patriots are given this, after the writer’s own admission that they are usually the beneficiary of “shaky officiating” because the writer simply cannot believe the Pats weren not given continued preferential treatment by the officials.
It’s infuriating. At no point does the authored even make a point, he just lists penalties that by his own admission are penalties and even at worst “could go either way,” then he ends the whole fucking thing with screen grabs of Bill Simmons angry tweets.
In short: fuck Uproxx even harder than I previously would have advised.
Maybe I should remind you I’m a Jets fan, and perfectly all right with the supposed screwjob the P*ts got there, even if I don’t think any such thing occurred?
Regarding tonight’s Fargo: well. That was certainly unexpected.
Of all the Cleveland Browns in the world, they’re the Cleveland Browniest.
Hey, that was my line! And completely true.
Hey, that was my line! And completely true.
No factory could produce of sadness. This is fine, handcrafted sadness that only be produced by a sadness artist of the highest talent.
Artisan small-batch.
I woulda said gmo-free, but this is the info.
Godamnit. This is the nfl.
But the sheer volume…
Hey Lord, I think I’m now a rhinoceros.
Jesus, Cleveland! Only the Browns could pull defeat out of the jaws of a possible tie.
Holy shit! Is that a human skull?
Daaaaaaamn. I am impressed.
Well, that was something. Night, gents.
Great to see the Factory of Sadness has gotten its new equipment installed.
THIS FACTORY IS HUMMING AT FULL STRENGTH
You could actively throw games and still have a better record than the Browns.
There should be some badge for having watched this to the end.
The DFO equivalent of the CIB:
We get hazard pay, though.
Don’t we?
Check’s in the mail!
God has a special middle finger just for Cleveland.
That right here should be the banner quote this week. It’s only right.
It will be!
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