A Very Special Footballing 9/11 Thread

Guten morgen, y’all.  I hope Santa brought everyone what they wanted this year.  20 years is apparently the fuckloads of leftover Murrikan high-tech weaponry aanniversary.  NEVAR stop learnin!

Lesser Footy comes back from its dumbass international break, with Spurs and rebuilding Palace leading things off (7:30, NBCSN).  If early fixtures are any indication, expect a dull 1-nil win to the Yid Army.

You get two broadcast and FOUR Peacock-only offerings in the 10:00 window.  I really, REALLY hate this schedule compression, but the English absolutely LOVE clinging to outdated traditions.  Saints/Hammers is the NBCSN offering, for some unknown reason.  The fawning over Ronaldo’s return to Men Untied (against helplessly overmatched Newcastle) is on USA.  I’d recommend streaming the Handsome Mikel shitshow (v. Norwich, surely the Gooners at least score a football point?) or the Shempions-relevant Man City against Foxy Footy.  That’s all sorts of interesting.

Spotlight dance?  Chelski/Villa (12:30, NBC).  Could be worse, could be better.  Tuchel is an absolute machine, in the most German sense of the word.  His side are reflecting that persona.

You want some JV fun and games?  You get it!

Illinois (+10.5) at Virginia (11:00, ACCN)

What in the world is the deal with this start time?  The f/k/a Illini are schizo, since they were merde last week, bet them here.  There will be rushing yardage, each way.  Make sure you notice the commitment that the Wahoowa student body has to nonetheless be drunk as fuck.

Oregon (+14.5) at Ohio State (12:00, Fox)

Quack Attack was supposed to be really good, giving thhhheeeeeee a legitimate OOC test.  Then, we saw them suck out a close home win against Fresno State.  The extra half-point hook makes it unbettable, but remember the GAMBLOR lesson – never overreact to Week 1 performance, Week 2 is frequently a 180 degree turn, or close to it.

Pittsburgh (-3) at Tennessee (12:00, ESPN)

Wow, the JV Stillers as a road favoUrite in SEC territory.  How things can change, and dramatically so.  A key fixture in each squadron’s Quest FOAR 6-6.

Purdue (-34) at UConn (3:00, CBSSN)

Good Lord, what a dumpster fire.  How can one NOT watch?  Tune in for some hilarious commentary/shade from our own Horatio.

UAB (+23.5) at Georgia (3:30, ESPN2)

Speaking of not overreacting to Week 1 – yeah, the Dawgs played mighty good defense in their Son de Clem opener.  But the offense was responsible for a grand total of THREE points.  I’m not saying Gumbygirl’s Blazers (heh, Blazers) will win outright, but I expect some fight and a respectble scoreline.

Texas A&M (-17) at Colorado (3:30, Fox)

Another mighty big line for a team whose offense I question.  QUESTION, I says!!  More than anything, gives me a chance to play this excellent song for y’all:

Iowa (+4.5) at Iowa State (4:30, ABC)

Partisans of these sides perfer the unimaginative Cy-Hawk Trophy to the much better Cornpone Derby.  Bunch of slackjacked yokel motherfuckers.  Anyway, this line was disappoint to someone who had hoped to bet Cornpone State, coming off their (usual under Matt Campbell) underwhelming opener – combined with Team Cornpone absolutely pantsing Brocky’s Hoosiers.  Hey, sometimes life shits in your hat.

A reminder that tan-suited Barack Hussein Obama put OBL’s stinky, bullet-ridden corpse at the bottom of the ocean.  That was all the vengeance my cracker ass needed.