This is this most work my Q key has probably ever gotten.
I look forward to Aaron Rodgers playing exactly 65% of the offensive snaps, and then inexplicably falling off a metaphorical cliff. Possibly a physical cliff. More likely a bad trip. Regardless, like the Favre trade, I’m expecting this to go mildly well and then fail catastrophically, and somehow miss the playoffs. The full trade: Rodgers, the Packers’ 1st (#15), a 5th (#170) for the Jets’ 1st (#13, so a two-pick swap), 2nd (#42), 6th (#207), and a conditional 2nd in 2024 (which becomes a 1st if Rodgers plays 65% of snaps).
On one hand, he’s already slotting in, at this age, as arguably the best QB in franchise history. The Jets could potentially have their second-ever 4,000 yard passing season! The only other one was Joe Namath in 1967, where he was the first QB to throw for 4K (4,007 yds). Please note that the Jets were still in the AFL during this time. Please note that the 16-game season didn’t start until 1978, and now the NFL plays a 17-game season. On the other, as I said, the inevitable Favre Part 2 comparisons. On a third hand, Kyrie Irving is no longer in the city, because I would’ve absolutely done an Aaron & Kyrie bit.
Other things:
The Cardinals have new unis. And I have to ask: Does everyone want to do the giant name mark these days? And does anyone want to do it at least almost well? It didn’t work for Michigan State, it didn’t work for Atlanta… how did you arguably downgrade from meh-at-best unis? The Cardinals wordmark on the white and black unis? Eh. Loss of custom font? Feels like a downgrade there. Especially with the Arizona lettering on the red unis, match the number typeface to the city’s!
Titans stadium update: They got city bond money to the tune of almost one Fox news lawsuit! Combine this with the state bonds and the Titans have secured the most public stadium funding ever ($1.2 billion) for an estimated $2.1 billion stadium.
Joe Burrow and Justin Jefferson’s 5th-year options for 2024 have gotten picked up to the surprise of no one. Burrow will make $29.5M (fully guaranteed), Jefferson will make $19.743M.
Reddit fucking shit up pre-draft: Diamond hands on Will Levis going #1 because of an anonymous Reddit post saying he’s telling friends and family he’ll go to Carolina. Odds have gone from 40-1 to 4-1.
We got sports!
Because it’s several rounds before the Cup:
Panther Caruso vs. Cocaine Bears 5 (FLA vs. BOS, Bruins lead 3-1) (7:00, ESPN)
Mythical Ocean Creature vs. Mythical Mountain Creature (SEA vs. COL, tied 2-2) (9:30, ESPN)
He’s heating up!
GO NEW YORK GO NEW YORK GO on loop vs. Cleveland Tourism Board (NYK vs. CLE, Knicks lead 3-1) (7:00, NBA TV)
LeBron and Pals vs. Dizzy Grizzlies (LAL vs. MEM, Lakers lead 3-1) (7:30, TNT)
Udonis Haslem’s Last Ride vs. Bucks in… 7? (MIA vs. MIL, Heat lead 3-1) (9:30, NBA TV)
Super Splash Bros. vs. BEEEEEEEEEAM (GSW vs. SAC, tied 2-2) (10:00, TNT)
/ reads headline
So what’s all this about Quaaludes?
I’m gonna take a couple (7-8) hits of a doob, and then a Benadryl, because I am a PARTY ANIMAL!! Tomorrow we draft!
Goddamnit I gotta stop laughing about that Jabba thing or the Dr. Mrs. is going to ask about it and I don’t have a cover story ready.
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/-RA9505FzNQ
Ice Hawks played almost flawless for the final 2:30, and finished with a textbook Murphy dump. That was pretty.
Me right now:
Are you the one riding or being ridden?
I can’t tell the difference anymore.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-Bpb_6Wx2A
https://twitter.com/theonlydsc/status/1651323836908859392?s=46&t=ljXV9Zpr-S65LqtP96tW1A
This is so hard to not laugh at. I feel bad for loving it so much.
That’s wonderful!
Agreed. I tried not to, but still did.
That was just mean. And I’m still laughing.
I shall see you all in hell.
All aboard!
Much kraken to be released.
Everyone, get your tarps out and ready for Friday.
I know Kartye!
First NHL game, 1st playoff goal. GO KRAKEN!
Kraken have been released!
5th straight game with the 1st goal. I think that’s a good trend.
We have Condition Aqua. I repeat, we have Condition Aqua!
I know it’s a bit of a schlep, but I’m thinking a DFOuting to a Kings home game next season would be good fun
Would we be able to put in a request to LIGHT THE BEAM?
I assume there will be beam-related chanting, I will be very disappointed otherwise
I’d be down for that!
I would do that. Light the beam!
I love the NBA playoffs because I get to see all these ads for TNT’s original content that I wouldn’t watch even if I got marooned on a desert island and they were the only entertainment available.
Ayo, are you releasing the televised Kraken?
It was released about an hour ago.
No effect yet beyond my blood pressure.
Hmm, 151/114. May be heading to the ER depending on how the game goes.
NAWT FACKIN FAHR!
Also, lol Ullmark
How far of a commute is Captain Planet Presents a Hockey Venue Arena for you?
25 minutes if the Dirt HOX aren’t playing
OWAH PAHHN OWAH AHHNGUHSH
TWO GUT PUNCH LOSSES IN TWO DAHS! NO ONE UNDERSTANDS!
HA HA FUCK YOU BRUINS
So the first half of this week (and then some) has been brutal.
On the upside, Bun Bun has been growing.
And this one.
Mmm, almost time for some hasenpfeffer!
I made that for Easter in 2009, but it was a lot of work for not a lot of meat.
The irony that I’m now nursing an abandoned rabbit is pretty entertaining.
The Other Seamus brought supper!
Hush, you. I’m squeeing my pants!
Got some mighty nice Lipton Cup O’ Bunners right there…
With improved flavor packet!
*runs back into clubhouse with a… Knicks bandana wrapped around his wing-wang?*
GO NEW YORK GO NEW YORK GO!
https://youtu.be/PSCdq1s5ekI
Holy hell what a throwback. I had that on cassette.
Why don’t teams do songs anymore?
Are there any examples that aren’t utterly embarrassing?
But…that’s the best part! It’s endearing!
It breaks my heart so much that the collection of Browns lowlights from their winless season set to the team song (see below) is no longer up on youtube. It was like eight solid minutes of Browns perfection.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-ew6JyxS4I
I’m sure there’s plenty on the tickie tockie machine the younginz use
Because the Rams already attained perfection. There’s no point in trying to compete with that.
Oh, please. They can’t touch the offering by the Calgary Flames. They can’t because YOU CAN’T TOUCH A FLAME WHEN IT’S RED HOT!
The Steelers have a rocking polka. We win!
Anthony Mason! Uf. Back then I had rock hard bone density.
How wonderfully noble are the #BFIB? We are building the self-esteem of the Dirt Tomsulas, even though they play in a den of Godless buggery smgdh
Watch your mouth internet friend El Gigantes are not to be messed with!
If it helps the Gooner contingent any, Pretend Arsenal bottled a yuuuuugggge lead in 2189-90, too. Future ppls will understand your pain.
Holy fuck you’re that far into the future?
DAMN SKIPPY, and only because I slowed down a bit. Descending into madness can be tiring.
the powah of pillz compells it!
I ain’t even taken blessed #4thPill yet!
“Late” night at the Fortress of Pillatude
(already in bed)
I gather Bernard Gilkey is still with us, after two strokes and a steady diet of kale and Brazilian centerbacks signed at 13 years old.
NAWT FACKIN FAHR
BAN RESPONSE GOALS! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
Types of showerbeers, ranked:
1) Post hockey
2) Post yardwork
3) Outdoor
4) Regular
1a) Pre work
1) Working a 14 hour shift in the warehouse, knowing that you’ll be working another 12+ hour shift the next day.
5) Pre-Grad School lectures on Machine Learning
On class breaks on 3 hour lectures
3a) Outdoors in a small boat
Your reference has gone un-noticed. DAMN IT!
We’ve been over this Dok, if your boat has a shower we don’t consider it small. Or a boat.
Post-sex?
I wouldn’t know, I’m just speculating.
That is smoking and then sleeping time.
Love “one fox news lawsuit” as a unit of money
“We’ve got to settle out of court. We can’t have more of our internal emails exposed to the public and the prosecuting lawyers.”*
*What The Fox Say
BEN GAZZI! EMAILS! HER!
The average NFL team is worth about three Fox News Lawsuits,
So the esketamine treatments have been going very well. From what I gather, it is designed to wake up pathways and bridge gaps within my brain. I feel less anxious for the first time in years, and the ability to make worthwhile habits has returned.
Also, getting public funding for stadiums is dumb and your dumb stadiums all suck. MetLife Stadium is a staid, Brutalist cutout of crap.
I went to a Yankee game the other day on someone’s company suite tickets and the seats were fantastic. Easily the best perk was free water and peanuts, all the other shit was just noise (no I don’t want to download Uber Eats to get stuff delivered to me). They did some thing where you could scan a QR code and they would be able to transmit your phone’s camera on the big screen. I’d rather have my oscillating anus displayed in ultra HD. Every one of these stadiums is like going to a giant iPad, but I will say the lack of ads on main scoreboards is enjoyable. They also displayed the nerdy shit I enjoy (exit velo for hitters, horizonal/vertical break for pitchers) so it was an enjoyable experience overall. I just don’t care about all the things that make premium seats profitable.
Glad you’re feeling better!
I feel less anxious for the first time in years and the ability to make worthwhile habits has returned.
Also, getting public funding for stadiums is dumb and your dumb stadiums all suck.
Worst. Segue. Ever.
Pretty sure this was the worst Segway ever.
Rolls over in grave and nods vigorously
— Jimi Heselden
Glad it’s working for you. Keep up the Grind
So, we are or are not going to see your oscillating anus in ultra HD?
talk about buried lede (PHRASING)
Hey glad you are on the mend!
See: Calgary yesterday (serioUsly)
Come for the dick jokes, stay for the use of the word ‘Brutalist’.
My daughter’s high school. I wouldn’t call it Brutalism as much as “What’s the cheapest design you can give me?”-ism. Inside is nice, facilities-wise. Outside looks like a minimum-security prison.
The entire Giants fanbase is absolutely convinced that a wr will be drafted in the first. The Giants were one of the most successful running teams in the league and Saquon is back for another year. I don’t think they’re going to stray too far away from this offense. Is Dimes all of a sudden going to throw for 25 TD’s after tossing only 15 last year because a rook at wr is on the field? I say, “Nope”.
Darrius Heyward-Bey still has some wheels, jus sayin.
“Lot’s of wheels but no hands” is the motto of his Junkyards”R”Us retail chain. That one won out over “That Excessively Drooling Dog Probably Won’t Bite You”.
Henry Ruggs doesn’t.
Speaking of, ol’ Hank’s under house arrest while the State tries to find a judge who can hear his case. Nevada, everyone!
https://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/35799328/ex-raider-henry-ruggs-felony-dui-case-delayed-judge-issue
If I had known to expect this I wouldn’t have written him out of That’s My Raiders!
But how will they deploy the Eli strategy of having a goofy, kinda sorta accuratish QB without some ridiculous WR to make the required circus catches?
“Somebody is digging my ‘Eternal Return’ theory of time. Me likey.”
-F. Nietzsche, parts unknown
I’ve got this idea about Nietzsche being the worst time traveler of all time in a league of time travelers that compete every year. He’s always in danger of being relegated.
[materializes in a small village on the island of Malta in 1872, wearing a sequined dress]
“I’m just not good at this. Can I get a do-over?”
-Nietzsche
They probably should take another O-lineman, (after all, it’s worked great all the other times!), but I’m with the rest of your people that they go WR. They need to give Danny Dimes something to throw to or it’s going to be a whole season of 8 in the box.
I don’t think they play Houston next year though.
/POW! BLAMMO! ETC…
the now-we-sorta-fuck LioUns pip y’all to the Bijan table, in the mocks I seen
I took off a layer of skin on my palm while removing old grout, so now I have the dilemma of whether or not I should bail on the project until it heals (like a week) or just soldier on through it. I guess I’ll try to keep working left-handed and see how that goes.
Rikki, ten minutes later (artist’s conception):
I stepped on a screw yesterday at a renovation project. It was a bad sign when the blood was coming out through my shoe.
Be smarter than me. Take a rest.
*Smarter than me is a low bar.
Above Footage: Reenactment of LLL.
The funniest part was when the blood came through the hole in my shoe (just running shoes, not work boots), my wife looked at me and told me to stop bleeding on the new floors.
We demolished a shed in this hostel where I worked and one of the guests insisted on helping while in his bare feet. I wanted to hit him with a hammer. Such a fucking idiot. He didn’t puncture his feet, though I would not have felt the least bit bad if he had.
That was what was funny about this. We were just in final clean up, so I wasn’t being careful of anything, but I had swept some stuff out from under a double vanity in a bathroom, and the screw was in that (I didn’t notice).
But then the odds of stepping on it so uniquely that it would stand up and go through my shoe soul were one in a million (like the odds of Fusilli Jerry going up Kramer’s ass on Seinfeld).
“Removing old grout” is now a euphemism for furiously masturbating? It’s so hard keeping up with the kids these days.
No, you’re thinking of “using a wetted finger to work the caulk”.
Eww. As the old saying goes, “You can take RTD out of the Dark Web, but you can’t take the Dark Web out of RTD”.
I heard of this great new thing for protecting your hands called “gloves” which might be worth a try
Related: If you ever wonder why you should wear boots or other sturdy footwear around horses, or maybe if you just want to make yourself nauseas because you have an eating disorder, look up the injury called “de-gloving”
Oh hell no.
Oh god, there’s a famous case in CT that involves a ladder and a devolving injury and dear God do yourselves a favor and do not look it up.
Also take any rings off your fingers before climbing a ladder. In fact just don’t wear rings.
Citation please. So that I, uhhh, don’t accidentally look it up.
– Robert Kraft
Admittedly, that’s pretty gnarly.
Look up Compartment Syndrome. Thats what I had. Super fun times!
the image search…was a bad idea
Yes, yes, we’re all familiar with the prosecution of O.J. Simpson.
Drive on. You’ve given up the required blood to the home improvement gods, so why wait and do it again.