Welcome to the emotionally-barren frigid wasteland that is the NFL Off-Season. While we will try to fill the void with obsessive draft coverage (“He’s got tight hips! He’ll never make it as a cornerback!”), dick jokes, methadone sports (hockey, AFL, based-ball) and intoxicants, we can’t ignore the other hallowed off-season tradition: players and coaches getting their asses in trouble.

1. Shady’s Boys Tune Up Off-Duty Philly Cops; “They Were Resisting Arrest!” Claims Assailant

CHARGE: Aggravated Battery; Failure to Control A Posse; Dissing the City of Buffalo by Hanging in Philly

So this may be the first “significant” arrest of the off-season, though only because Johnny Beatdown’s family still has enough juice in Dallas-Fort Worth to keep the police on a leash. LOVE THAT OIL MONEY!

If you hadn’t heard, LeSean McCoy was allegedly involved in an altercation Monday night at a club in Philadelphia. Accounts differ, but the most consistent story is that two (or three) off-duty Philadelphia police officers entered the club and ordered four bottles of champagne.

Because why wouldn’t you order more bottles than you have people?

Anyway, one of McCoy’s group (apparently teammates from his Pitt days) thought one of the cops was stealing one of their bottles– seriously, do they not have one of these?— and mayhem ensued. At least two of the cops ended up in the hospital. The video does not show the beginning of the fight, but it sure as hell looks ugly. The investigators want all four of the accused hung from the arms of the stupidass Rocky statue. The charging authorities have yet to decide whether to issue arrest warrants, because on the one hand they are young black men beating the shit out of cops, but on the other hand the cops were black too.

In either case I’m gonna go ahead and move Karlos Williams up my fantasy draft board, because nothing draws a suspension faster than a video that Goodell can’t stomp on or deny seeing. Why couldn’t you stick to something respectable like publicly-advertised sex parties, Shady?

2. Andy Dalton Lost Something Besides A Playoff Game

CHARGE: Littering, Operating A Motor Vehicle Without A Soul

Andy Dalton allegedly lost two suitcases out of the back of his truck while on the way to Dallas-Fort Worth Airport. Contrary to all expectations, this was NOT the plot complication for a 80/90s sitcom wherein the blowhard husband/father brushes off any suggestion that he needs to tie down the luggage for the family’s Big Vacation.

Dalton took to Twitter to beg random strangers to do exactly what the TSA Overlord Lady has been cautioning us against for years: pick up unattended bags which you did not pack yourself. Against all common sense, some dude named Robert apparently did just that and returned both bags.

No word what was in the suitcases, although a bystander reported that a warming golden glow emanated from one case when it was opened.

3. Calvin Johnson Steals Final Glimmer of Pride From Lions Fans

CHARGE: Theft; Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress

So Calvin Johnson is allegedly retiring at the age of 30. Many are pointing out the parallels between Johnson’s decision to walk away from the Lions with Barry Sanders’ exit at the same age and stage of his career. Detroit fans are taking this as confirmation that it is their lot in life to suffer and that only the sweet embrace of death can release them from their torment.

In reality, it is more an issue of star players finally internalizing the fact that the NFL really is a business. Once, that sentiment meant “screw loyalty, I’m going where I’m going to get paid.” Now it means “I am playing football because I want to make enough money to last me the rest of my life” and once you do that, you can walk away with body and brain still intact enough to enjoy it. Megatron and fellow maybe-retiree Marshawn Lynch join Patrick Willis as All-Pro Top-15 picks from the 2007 Draft who walked away with more games left to play at a high level. Still, Detroit Schadenfreude has a unique and not altogether unpleasant bouquet (think Islay scotch, but with less peat and more tire-fire) so we’ll let them cry it out.

Word out of Detroit is that sporting goods stores are stocking up on Ziggy Ansah jerseys, because Nike refuses to make officially-licensed “Fat Elvis” products.