I know we talked about each of us writing season previews for our teams. What is going to be the timing on that? Are we rolling them at the start of training camp? Closer to the end? Also, we should probably set up a schedule so that we have one preview per day instead of three people posting at once. Thoughts?
Update: I (Cuntler) added a sign-up sheet I will update as people sign up in the comments below. I am all for collaboration if there are multiple fans of one team (or multiple previews). Possible dates for the previews would be as listed:
Update2: I (Balls) figured we could roll these out on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday schedule to ensure maximum reading material at work. Therefore, I’m amending Cuntler’s dates to add more specific dates for divisions. We’ll end up doubling up on the last week with the South divisions leading up to kickoff on the 10th. Everyone writing a post please put a date by the post you will publish. Remember you can write it ahead of time and just set it to publish on that date. Thanks!
NFC East – 7/27, 7/28, 7/29, 7/30
- Cowboys: Horatio
- Eagles: Why Eagles Why
- Giants: scotchnaut
- [*Redacted] s: Zymm?
NFC North – 8/10, 8/11, 8/12, 8/13
- Packers: Mike Wallace and Gromit / packman_jon
- Bears: Cuntler/BFC
- Lions: Cuntler
- Vikings: yeah right (8/11) /Pickett’s Charge
NFC West – 8/24, 8/25, 8/26, 8/27
- Rams: DTZM
- Seahawks: Moose
- Cardinals: Balls (8/26)
- 49ers: Covalent Blonde (8/24)
NFC South – 9/7, 9/8, 9/9, 9/10
- Panthers: King Hippo
- Saints: Electric Mayhem
- Falcons: RTD
- Buccaneers: Sep
AFC East – 8/3, 8/4, 8/5, 8/6:
- Patriots: Electric Mayhem
- Bills: Electric Mayhem/Upstate Underdog
- Jets: Lord Revisisle
- Dolphins: Warthog
AFC North – 8/17, 8/18, 8/19, 8/20
- Steelers: Balls/Sill/WCS (8/17)
- Ravens: JJ Fozz
- Browns: Covalent Blonde (8/18)
- Bengals: Vontaze Me, Bro
AFC West – 8/31, 9/1, 9/2, 9/3
- Raiders: RTD
- Chargers: OSZ/sunshine sunshine
- Broncos: King Hippo
- Chiefs: Monty
AFC South – 9/7, 9/8, 9/9, 9/10
- Colts: Covalent Blonde/Sep (9/8)
- Jaguars: Balls (9/7)
- Texans (who?): Make it snow
- Titans (what?): Make it snow
Note: I apologize if I missed anyone and his or her team (Covalent Blonde, no idea who you root for… Edit: Fucking Niners. That’s right.)
OK, Seahawks; where do I go? What do I submit? Where do I submit it? What format? How are gifs embedded? JPGs?
Now I’m as nervous as a Cutler in a room full of vaccinating rocking chairs!
http://38.media.tumblr.com/6aa1e21d964b1e7084cfbd258260ff5f/tumblr_nr41um8y4r1qfr6udo1_500.gif
http://www.conspiracyplanet.com/images/ACFB8.jpg
Rikki or DTMZ should be able to give you admin here and then it is a pretty simple interface that auto imbeds and has a preview option. Gif away, my man. Gif away.
Nervous or Eagerly Excited?
Since no one has volunteered, I’ll do the Jags. Someone has to do it.
We’ve got [*Redacted] s, Jags and Browns left. Jags are all yours (London’s finest!). Also, we probably should get confirmation from Lord Revisile, Upstate Underdog and Vontaze that they’ll do their respectively designated teams.
Poor thing! Not only is this the worst case of post-jacking I have ever seen, but you have the courage to take on reviewing the Jags on top of everything else! That’s the UC spirit!
Sorry I jacked your post.
/that’s what she said
Are you kidding? You brought order to it! Thanks for doing it!
I would respectfully defer to King Hippo’s superior talent, dedication, youth, ventriloquistic talents, and hips to do the Broncos. Especially considering my over-reliance on gifs, unrelated graphics, esoteric battle references, and pegging videos.
I would gladly take a team nobody wants in mid to late August.
http://www.cutecatgifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/weird-standing-cat.gif
I will not promise drunk robots though.
http://images.viralnova.com/000/107/350/fail4.gif
Seahawks?
/caw, caw
I thought Balls volunteered for them below; let me know.
http://38.media.tumblr.com/f196560d900dcc6cd0bdb146a2c05529/tumblr_npusowJCZH1rpduwho1_500.gif
They’re yours, Moose!
I’ve been doing some research on the Texans for my post and… okay, well, it’s taken a turn for the weird.
What I’m saying is anyone who cares about having an actual meaningful preview of the Texans should take this shit away from me right now.
Oh, I don’t come here for substance.
I would be disappointed in an actual meaningful preview.
No one cares about the Texans, so I can’t imagine anyone gives a shit about a meaningful preview of their season.
Oh noes, Obummer will be coming for snow he done learnt teh TRUTH bout Jade Helm ,, smh
You gonna due the the Broncos?
http://41.media.tumblr.com/5abbea0249b4a024d1e66657d6acd0b7/tumblr_np1en1aIfj1qlz1v3o1_500.png
I say LET IT GET WEIRD!
http://craziestgadgets.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/breast-gymnastics-hand-massager.jpg
Wow I do one day’s work on the west coast and miss 100+ comments. My entire contribution to the Bears preview will be this bird I killed and brought to Cuntler.
So, you’re taking the Seahawks, then?
I know… It’s like I go on a three day drinking binge and there’s a whole new page of posts. WHAT A COUNTRY!
[*Redacted] s, lions, Seahawks, Browns, panthers, jags, Titans. Any takers or suggestions?
I shall take teh Panthers.
Fine. Fine. Fuck it. If no one else signs up by midnight, put me down for the Browns. This will might as well end up like every group project in school. But, I insist on writing it as Sparano’s Football.
. . .
That’s the easiest preview of all. “They will disappoint there fans both on and off the field.”
You’re welcome.
*they’re
If no one takes the Seahawks, I’ll take care of that one. Should be fun to write the many ways Pete Carroll is a dumbfuck.
Man, you know, if I’m going to preview a team that no one cares about, I might as well do the one that doesn’t exist too. Put me down for the last two posts of the preview.
NSZ just said he’s going to do a season preview for the league once all the team ones are done. He muttered something about showing those bastards who’s boss. This can’t be good.
Bill Simmons is NSZ, right?
You can tell us!
NSZ is Tommy Craggs.
According to Gawker employees, Tommy Craggs is Bill Brasky
You can take that question mark off, I’m in.
Maybe I should let my cat do the write-up for the Jaguars? Her enthusiasm for the team is pretty much on par with a standard Jacksonville fan.
It’s a good thing they’re not the Jacksonville Raccoons!
Need to get Fozz here for the Ravens thingy.
He’s going to do it.
Fuck the Ravens!
I guess it’s you and me to the death, Balls.
I choose tridents at teatime.
Or we could do like a round table thing.
Whatever’s easier.
Surely Ben is big enough for two?
I thought Ben was all shriveled and gray.
Either way works for me. All I ask is that we use one particular picture that I have bookmarked for the featured image.
http://www.straferight.com/forums/attachments/babes/22427d1369707902-sports-babes-3-steelers.jpg
Even assuming the standard 30-pound photoshop discount, that is clearly the world’s thinnest Stillers fan.
You guys, and forgot about WCS. The three of you degenerates will do a fine job. Oops, I meant yinz.
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE
http://www.mattsmoviereviews.net/Images/highlanderimage01.jpg
Here’s something to use in place of the Seahawks preview in case no one wants to take it:
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ln99wu4hXB1qjl7f2o1_400.gif
Pretty sure that applies for Balmer, too, no?
For the Seahawks, I was thinking it was a good interpretation of the sudden end to their Super Bowl hopes.
For Balmer, it seems possibly very literal.
Man, that movie did not age well.
I haven’t watched it in a long time.
I have, however, listened to the soundtrack over and over again.
/cranks up NIN’s cover of ‘Dead Souls’
A lofty cover.
I can do the Seattle preview and just talk about Vancouver again! 🙂
I can do the Dolphins unless someone who is actually qualified wants them.
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/165085142562342345/
http://the305.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/endless-dolphin.gif
And by qualified, I mean someone who can actually embed stuff correctly.
Wait, we need qualifications now? I… uh… CHEESE IT, EVERYBODY!
http://www.reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/cheese_it_futurama.gif
I’ll take Indianapolis Fat Hu.. I mean Colts if no one wants to sacrifice their health.
I’ve got you down for the Bucs too. You want both?
Rochambeau for them? I guess a hot dog eating contest would be more appropriate.
I can try to make the Titans palatable if you want to keep the Colts?
Hey, Sep, since we both are going to do the Colts, what color underwear would you guess brings out Luck’s eyes the best?
HHmmmmm…. Luck looks like a Saturday Morning Cartoon Underoos type of guy to me. Or, you know, Hodor.
Chili on my hot dogs please. And not that Skyline stuff either!
As a former fathump and current Indianapolis land owner, I can finally write my erotic fan fiction for Hodor and take the Colts unless anyone else wants ’em!
Oops. Reading is hard!!
I put you both down for Indy. More than enough gravy to go around.
I’ll take the Lions. If someone else wants to do it, I’ll toss it your way.
http://i.imgur.com/wPxM9cc.gif
I’ll do the Patriots if UU wants our beloved Bills.
I can also do the Saints-my cousin follows them
For the Patriots, you can post the gif of that hippo shitting everywhere and everyone would be fine with it.
How did you know? Are.. are you the NSA agent assigned to monitor my thoughtwaves?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don’t everyone sign up for the NFC and AFC South at once!
I’ll give the Falcons a shot, I guess. Much like their season, however, expect it to be phoned in.
But how much crowd noise will be pumped in and will we notice?
That was my ONE joke, man. Thanks for spoiling it.
Glad I could be of service.
Does someone who is still KSK-friendly want to try to recruit the lady [*Redacted] s fan to do the preview and join us? Or are we at our Bechdel limit now?
You mean the Tide Roller who busted in claiming to be 100% Gitxsan or whatever?
No, the lady who likes punk and lives in Chicago. Feel bad that I can’t remember her name and shit.
Zymm?
Zymm’s hilarious. Whoever wants to recruit her can tell her I said so.
Seconded.
YES! That’s who I was thinking.
Who are the Cowboys?
You know that thing that makes your skin crawl and your belly upset and causes you to see maggots writhing on your junk? That’s what the Cowboys are.
I thought that was heroin.
Can’t we have both?
http://media.giphy.com/media/YgM1nk1x832Tu/giphy.gif
The category was franchises that have consumed more cocaine than Colombia.
I’m good with the schedule as outlined. I believe Pickett’s Charge is a Vikings fan too so we can do multi preview or collaborate if need be.
I’ve done a couple of previews for Ape in the past and will again if he asks but I’ll see if I can change them up a bit.
Holy shit, the Vikings report to camp on Saturday. This Fucking Saturday!!
If sunshine sunshine wants to do the Chargers I’m fine taking on some other team, or we could do some sort of Chargers fan roundtable thing together.
As long as BOLTMAN (stomp, stomp. clap! stomp. stomp. clap!) is involved…
I can do that.
Who is this sunshine sunshine of which you speak? I can write something up and if I get lazy, I’ll probably just post a moving truck.
Gah! My apologies. I’m horrible.
I’ll write up a BOLTMAN version of a preview, but if you want to add to it or do a moving van version of a preview, go for it.
No apologies necessary. I have feeling that we’d create two completely different previews as it is.
I’ll happily join yeah right in pissing all over the Vikings, or do one of my own. It’s no worse than what they’ve done to me over the years.
Let’s do individual posts. I’m curious to see how far our expectations have been lowered.
I’ll do my preview on 8-11 and you can use whichever day works for you for the rest of that week.
SKOL.
I’ll give the Giants a go. Do I have author thingies? Do you? I’ll need a crash course in how to do stuff. I am able to type though.
You do now!
I might as well do the Arizona Cardinals since it’s Steelers West.
Don’t let Horatio hide his light (AND SHAME) under a bushel. He has to lead off with the Cowboys. Nobody else will admit to liking them.
Small price to pay, the fuckers are gonna win the Super Bowl.
Damn it. I forgot about him. Anyone seen him around lately?
/hears muffled thumping from locker
This is gonna sound dumb or even blasphemous but I really want The Cowboys to win the Super Bowl because I wanna see how pumped it would make Dez Bryant while simultaneously making sports journalist heads roll (you know which ones).
He might be my favorite player right now.
I updated the post. Lots of empty spaces. Just write what team you want to preview in the comments and I will update. If I signed you up and you don’t want to do it, let me know and I will delete you. Once we get it finalized, I can repost weekly so we can see what people are doing.
@covalent blonde: Niners. Duh. You did a post on them earlier this year. Sorry ’bout that.
Not to worry! I will have forgotten I cared about them by the end of this season, too.
Or retired, whichever comes first.
REAL FOOTBAW!!!!!
I already volunteered for the Donks, and I am more than happy to share with Snow since, as you all know, I’m pretty stupid.
Living in Raleigh, I also read enough Panthers shit whilst I…take a shit with the newspaper (FACK you, I’m old and still like the hard copy newspaper) so I can preview them if nobody else wants to. And who the fuck could possibly want to?
You’re welcome to the Broncos. I’m always the worst at making jokes about my own team. I believe I volunteered for the Texans, unless that was a drunken fever dream.
Will you at least put some pictures into my idiocy? And please, feel free to add to any of my fatalistic “insight.”
We are so gonna pay for not drafting Murder Guy.
If that’s a request for more original art, then absolutely.
I signed Moose up with you. He did one for KSK last year or the year before that was awesome.
No joke, I think Moose knows football better than any of us.
Monty, who do you want?
I’ll take the Chiefs. They’re somewhat geographically close, and all I really have to do is make Andy Reid fat jokes.
BTW, do we get paid by the word or what?
No. You’ll get nothing and like it.
While I am not about to post my own turkey hand in a Donks jersey for you, I will totally embed some images in your draft if you need a hand, KH.
http://www.blogcdn.com/blog.games.com/media/2011/11/islandparadisehandturkeypet.png
Plus, in addition to Denver, my most feverish allegiances are NC State and Everton. If I didn’t have a gallows sense of humor, I’d be dead by my own hand many times over by now.
Whatever, Cardinals fan. Whatever.
Yeah, I have ONE TEAM that doesn’t devour my soul. And they play fucking baseball. Really, how much can one really give a shot about THAT?
I have a question of my own: does anyone know where I can get a knock-off NFL jersey? I want to get an Amari Cooper one but don’t feel like having licensing money get back to the Shield.
Two words:
Grave Robbing.
Yeah, but where’s he going to find an Oakland fan who’s suffered a violent and grisly death since Apr– oh, okay, right.
Santa Fe Springs Swap Meet. Lots of Raiders merchandise of dubious origin for sale there.
Perfect! I wonder if the Rose Bowl flea market is an option too; would be nice and close.
That’s an option too, but it’s more….shall we say…. gritty. Your probability of finding licensed merchandise goes up exponentially.
Ice Muthafuckin’ T always spoke well of the Compton swap meet. I’m assuming less gritty.
You can definitely find all manner of Raiders brickabrack at the Rose Bowl flea market. Even actual old Raiders.
It’s a shame they cracked down on Chinese knockoff importation.
There used to be a site where I got two NFL, five NHL and ten MLB Mitchell And Ness flannels for like $30 apiece. Really good quality.
/cool story bro
We’ve got 44 days until the season starts. Maybe start next week and do a few divisions every 10 days?
7/27 – 8/6: NFC/AFC East
8/7 – 8/18: NFC/AFC North
8/19 – 8/30: NFC/AFC West
8/31 – 9/10: NFC/AFC South
I call dibs on the Bears, but I can do other teams in the division if no one wants them. I will add a sign up sheet above we can update, if this is cool with you?
Good ideas. I can do a Packers preview. I’ll probably send one over to Ape just in case he needs one as well.
It’s nice that one of us has organizational skilz
I deal with a lot of children at work (figuratively) and at home (literally), so I have no choice.
The latter is how I became a morning person.