It is late Wednesday afternoon after practice. DeSean Jackson steps up to the podium to address the media.
REPORTER: DeSean, it seems like you are really giving your all out there. What are your feelings on the upcoming season?
DESEAN: I don’t feel no one could stop me.
[dun dun]
DESEAN: You could go get Darrelle Revis, Richard Sherman, whoever you want to get.
[dun dun]
DESEAN: I just try to set the tempo by playing at a high level and then everybody else can kind of follow. [looks over his right shoulder]
REPORTER: What do you think your chances are for the coming season?
[dun dun, dun dun]
DESEAN: As long as I think them guys can stay healthy, we can get the best out of them.
[DUN DUN, DUN DUN, DUN DUN, DUN DUN]
DESEAN: Did you guys hear that? No? Man, I must be crazy. Anyway, not put too much pressure – it’s everybody across the board, it’s a team sport – it’s not a one man game. I think everybody has to be held accounta-
[DUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUN]
DESEAN: I know you heard that. I–
[DOOR FLIES OPEN]
DESEAN: What the hell? Why’s that blocking sled in here? I’m tying to do an interview and this shi–
[SECOND DOOR FLIES OPEN]
DESEAN: NO! NO! STOP! STOP! NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo . . . .
[MUSIC ABRUPTLY ENDS]
DeSean always finds training camp to be tough sledding, but this is ridiculous.
It’s a grade 2 shoulder separation. Coincidentally, one of the learning objectives in the 2nd grade curriculum is “Developing spatial reasoning in relation to geometric shapes.”
THIS DESEAN JACKSON, I CALL HIM THE 1988 JAMAICAN BOBSLED TEAM BECAUSE HE GOT WRECKED WITH A SLED.
They’re making a movie about him. It’s called “Fool Runnings”
http://40.media.tumblr.com/2564bddd72ee02764d0bd5d175e43d39/tumblr_ns3xrnPfHZ1sb75bgo1_1280.jpg
On the topic of the [*Redacted] s and press conferences, I feel like this is a great opportunity for us all to talk about branding. Awesome idea right?
But it gets better, I’m not just talking branding in general like as a sweet philosophical discussion with our boy D Roves- I’m looking at the potential this here website has.
Look at all the space on the page that could be used for AD REVENUE BOYS. I mean, the next time that Door Flies Open (heh) it could be our good friend the corporate marketing paymaster whose behind it!
This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, look forward to hearing back from you gents. You can reach me at TinyDickSellout on twitter or my linkedin page, just look me up real name is Blake Bleachedasshole
#MBANeverStops
THIS DESEAN JACKSON, I CALL HIM CHARLES FOSTER KANE, BECAUSE HE’LL ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT SLED
I’m pretty sure running into the sled that hard made him rosebud a bit.
Don’t google this.
make it snow doesn’t need training camp, he’s already in mid season form.
Oh shit! I had no idea MiS blew his knee out!
Do we still give out KotW awards? Because MiS’s gonna just keep winning all of them.
You just won my Kindergarten Graduation Certificate.
In a show of solidarity, RGIII’s leg just severed itself.
http://www.empireonline.com/images/features/jaws-viewing-guide/22.jpg
I got nothing witty, I’m just glad my comments can appear here, since I am now pretty much banned from Uproxx.
Badge of honor.
You’re always welcome here, chief. Your new DFOverlords welcome you mwahahahahahahaha…
It’s all about ethics in dick joke journalism.
What did you do to get the Upboot?
I’ve been pointing out their hypocrisy, asking for Amy Schumer/John Cena/Jon Stewart/Mia Khalifa/Bud Light take on hot topic articles, BRING BACK APE, pointing out spelling and grammar mistakes, #thispostbroughtoyoubyBUDLIGHT, pointed out the friendship of the editor to the Better Than Ezra guy in that one article (that got deleted quicker than any door flying open) – in general, just been a complete nuisance.
That’s good hustle!
/Slaps Sloth on the ass, HARD
I thought it was your refusal to stop wearing white after Labor Day but glad to see you up in hurrr.
I took the KSK button off my bookmarks bar today. Kinda bummed me out.
Yeah. I’ve gone there a few times since the weekend, waiting to see what will happen to the site. Nothing is going on. I imagine Uproxx will just redirect the url to their generic “sports” page, the way Warming Glow turned into Uproxx/TV.
Really sucks.
@Spanky me too, I got all sorts of feels.
I wonder, since my account has not been deleted yet, and my comments are not appearing, is there an actual human having to sit there and read each comment in order to deem it worthy of “public” view? Because if there is, I absolutely will direct my comments straight to them.
Yes, and it says “Budweiser CFO” on the door to his office
Only a complete boob like Roger Clinton Gruden would make his receivers do blocking drills. See you Super Sundee anyway, Cooch!
HAIL!
[Eli Manning looks up from the corner where he is playing with his blocks]
Roger Clinton Gruden. I like that. You could have gone with Billy Carter Gruden or Donald Nixon Gruden, but you probably don’t remember them. Billy Carter had his own beer for a bit there, and Donald Nixon had his own hamburger stand in Southern California that was financed by Howard Hughes in a remarkable coincidence.
Don’t forget Rooster McConaughey. I know Matt hasn’t been president, but I like to type rooster.
Have a very old can of this in storage somewhere.
http://www.thecuckoofarm.com/cuckoo/beer/can/billy1.jpg
I nearly broke my hand punching a sled once trying to show the kids I was coaching to not just hit the pad but try to aim behind the sled for more power.
This is beautiful. Chip Kelly must be laughing his ass off.
Yes, but not at Jackson. Riley Cooper showed up to practice in blackface and keeps talking like those crows in Song of the South. Hilarious!
Man, he really dropped the ball early this time.