[Photoshops and writing help from Mike Wallace And Gromit]
(A hot summer sun is rising over the wasteland, and while the misery of life after the end remains, something is in the air–today is different, and feeling this shift, a brainless beast emerges from its cave)
THE BEN: HAAARF! THE BEN HAVE NEW DAY TO PEW PEW PEW DUMB WEAKLINGS AND TAKE THEIR WOMEN! NO ONE COMPLAIN IN WASTELAND WHEN THE BEN SNU SNU THE WOMEN! THE BEN LOVE THE WASTELAND! HAAAAAAAAAARF HARF HARF HARF! (fires off machine gun randomly as a mysterious dust cloud blooms behind him) THE BEN LIKE THAT BIG GUN AND SMALL GUN SAME COLOR! (dust cloud grows closer as a rumbling can be heard) THE BEN HEAR—
(THE BEN is smeared into a thick paste by the wheels of a speeding War Rig, and a small gray lump falls down in the middle of it. It is promptly shot by a Vuvalini sniper nearby, exploding into mist)
ELSEWHERE…
(Half of a train car is jammed into an RV that is raised up on many large wheels, and around it haggard looking men and women scurry around wearing green smocks and hats)
PK: Erm, yes, go my barista minions, fetch me my lardicinos! Raid the nutmeg farms, AND NO TALKING IN MY QUIET CAR! By the end of the day, I SHALL RULE THE WASTELAND! Maybe. Possibly. Either I will, or I will not, but who can say? I, the NUGGET FARMER, baron of the Lard Lands, control the caloric intake of all life! IT IS ALL FOR ME! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (rubs pierced nipples) And, ohhh, yes, the access I get for my nuggets of lard… how my caged Favre sings! HE SHALL LOVE ME FOREVER AND DESPAIR! Maybe. Erm, ahhhhh… say, what is that noise?
(PK’s quiet car is slammed into by a full speed War Rig, sending it over a cliff, where it slams into rock after rock after rock, each impact severing another limb off PK. It finally lands in the bottom of a canyon and explodes, sending guts and limbs flying every which way, which are immediately picked up by rogue cannibals who eat it immediately and then are struck by hyper-dysentery all over the remaining offal of PK)
YET ELSEWHERE…
(A Pontiac Aztek cab sits atop tank treads, slowly wandering around in circles)
(Cutler fires off machine guns randomly into the distance)
Lackey: Sir, there’s nobody there.
Cutler: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh, fuck off, I’m having fun.
Lackey: But, sir, you’re just wasting bullets and making the weapons degrade!
Cutler: (sigh), do I look… like I care?
Lackey: Well—
Cutler: DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON—(suddenly dies of Feline Leukemia and mumps)
Lackey: That was unexpec—
(Both Cutler’s corpse and the lackey are nailed by a hard charging War Rig with its cow catcher down, sending them flying in multiple directions, their corpses dashed against the rocks like sacks of overripe fruit)
NEARBY…
(A fur-trimmed double decker El Dorado monster truck weaves to and fro across the wasteland, ahead of a large convoy of cobbled together vehicles)
IMMORTAN BROADWAY JOE: I could care less about the wasteland strug-uh-ling. All belongs to me, and no insurgents shall survive! I guarantee I will win! ONWARD, MY WAR BOYS! LET US FACE THE REBELS IN THE WASTELAND!
(A loud cheer goes up as the convoy embarks, with a wind-blown and sun-leathered duo of Faith Hill and Carrie Underwood stand atop a mobile stage, singing the SNF lead-in song over and over again)
DRIVER: I see it! The War Rig! I will pull ahead of it, and let my lance bomber destroy it!
(the driver pulls ahead, and a War Boy steps up, spraying his mouth silver)
RIVERS: YA BETTA WITNESS SOMEBODDDAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!
(Rivers leaps off, then hangs in the air, barely descending, as the War Rig and entire caravan pass him by)
RIVERS: YOU GODLESS COCKWALLETS! COME BAAAAACK!
(The monster El Dorado catches up with the War Rig)
IMMORTAN BROADWAY JOE: I will do this myself! THERE IT IS! The terrorist War Rig! I shall drive up to its side and shoot the driver! I WANNA KILL YOU!
(He pulls up beside it, but as he takes aim, he sees no one in the cab)
IMMORTAN BROADWAY JOE: OH NO!
???: THANKS, JOE!
(A microphone cable whips around his face, yanking his mask off and whipping his head around, breaking his neck. His car flips and continues to tumble before exploding. Out of the smoke and dust, a figure emerges)
IMPERATOR SUZY: I COME TO YOU TODAY WITH A MESSAGE! The Old World is dead! WE KNOW WHO KILLED THE WORLD! The very same that abandoned the best of us, and poisoned our home with mediocrity and decay! THERE IS NO GOING BACK! Today I have purged the last remnants of that world. Do not cry for their loss, for they would have only slowed our journey into the future. TODAY… IS YOUR FIRST DAY! A NEW DAY! It is now up to you to make of it what you will. We have fertile ground to grow anew from, a community that can support one another, and nothing dragging us back to what was. TO THOSE WHO HAVE SACRIFICED TO CREATE THIS DAY, WE SALUTE YOU!
(A lone simian figure wearing a santa hat slinks away in the crowd, off to new and greater adventures)
IMPERATOR SUZY: Do not wait for Valhalla to find your glory. Make your own.
(She turns and walks off into the Wastelands as the afternoon shadows grow, ready for whatever is to come)
WEEKS LATER…
(Rivers is now only inches from the ground)
RIVERS: WHAT? HUH? WHA… Witness?
“I’m just here for the Warboys.”
-Aaron Rodgers
My life fades. The vision dims. All that remains are memories. I remember a time of chaos, ruined dreams, this wasted land. But most of all, I remember the word warrior, the man we called Old School Zero…
Geno Smith’s Wired Jaw: …. *gives two thumbs up*
*wipes tear away from eyes*
That George Miller is a fucking genius.
Imperator Suzy makes my, uh, road warrior want to go beyond thunderdome.
/sings We Don’t Need Another Hero while beating off
//gets called into HR office again
As the tumblr kids say, “YAAAASSSSSSS”
HOW THE FUCK YA DOIN’, BOYS?!
For a moment, I thought Rivers was gonna survive to repopulate the wasteland. And then I got to the end. Brilliant.
I think there’s only one survivor up to the task of getting an entire new world pregnant.
Rob Ryan
Antonio Chrome-artie
BTW, Rex just claimed the guy that punched Geno. I LOVE THAT MAN!
THIS IK ENEMKPALI, I CALL HIM “MAVERICK”, BECAUSE HE ALREADY DESTROYED ONE JET BUT THEY ARE GOING TO GIVE HIM A SHOT AT ANOTHER.
The shock and horror among some Bills fans surprised me.
The one Pats fan I know mocking the move didn’t.
Bra-FUCKING-vo
https://youtu.be/a9z8F4fgj6Q
Outstanding. Like KSK, it lives only in my memories.
/goes to torrent Fury Road
//saw it three times in theatres
///can’t wait two weeks for disc, is impatient
“(PK’s quiet car is slammed into by a full speed War Rig, sending it over a cliff, where it slams into rock after rock after rock, each impact severing another limb off PK. It finally lands in the bottom of a canyon and explodes, sending guts and limbs flying every which way, which are immediately picked up by rogue cannibals who eat it immediately and then are struck by hyper-dysentery all over the remaining offal of PK)”
/Cums
“I really liked the splozions! I give it 7.3 puppies out of…wait-I have to count. 1, 2, come back Tyree, I have to count you!” [runs around tree until he falls down]
-Eli’s Rotten Tomatoes review
I refuse to accept a post-apocalyptic world where the Ryan brothers aren’t hedonistic warlord.
I’m not saying they’re not, but I just didn’t want to have to kill them off.
Save that for Mad MaKSK: The Wasteland.
“WHO RUNS BOOTYTOWN?”
Rob, of course.
Rex runs Footytown.
http://img.pandawhale.com/post-43037-When-you-get-caught-looking-Im-UvbG.gif
That kid dad never taught him to rubberneck I see.
Gotta stick and move, stick and move. You can’t just stand there with a big lead off first waiting to get caught! This isn’t baseball!
http://herbookthoughts.reads-it.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/d6a1143f571184db25f94613edd43b40af6d3a629221aba00d9efdcfef5efd84.jpg
Needs more Peter King death.
Nah, a coward dies but once.
We went over this when Gifford died; weren’t you taking notes?
That was fun, bravo!
http://www.whoa.in/WhoaPhoto/0funny-girl-and-cow.jpg
+4
http://31.media.tumblr.com/df1cd8ea37be03f5d7e0e763a8508418/tumblr_nsozky6qix1qixedeo1_400.gif
I shed a single lonely tear. Great goddamn work boys!
http://i.ytimg.com/vi/uGu4AwL5Kho/hqdefault.jpg
Fucking bravo.
You can be my Doof Warrior any day.
*DFO Warrior
A post worthy of Valhalla.
Joe Flacco carefully drives up in his white Toyota Carola, surveys the scene, quietly munching on a mayonnaise and white bread sandwich. After surveying the scene, he drives back to his post apocalyptic haven, dubbed “The White Space.”
http://www.reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/picard_clapping.gif
Lazerface in an a post-apocalyptic scenario, fuck man the possibilities are endlessly entertaining
/huh WHAT HUH
YA BETTA WITNESS SOMEBODAAAAAAAY is pretty much where I lost it. This was just great.
I LOVED this movie! I give it a C-
-Will Leitch
I don’t know what I just read, but, I’m extremely erect.
You and me both, buddy, you and me both.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/3a3e6b9699fd302cb2ff2b043037ea54/tumblr_nk71jeYOS51th4l0no2_400.gif
Is that Ronda?
Yes it is. Sweet lord yes it is.