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Thursday Night Preseason “Action”

WCS

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In a pair of match-ups truly worthy of what we’ve come to expect from Thursday Night Football, tonight we’re “treated” to Washington and Detroit at 7:30, and the “marquee” game of The Factory of Sadness against everyone’s favorite pussytubing coach and his collection of quarterbacks who somehow are still on a professional football team not named the Jets or Jaguar’s roster.

Cleveland and Buffalo is somehow on The World Wide Leader, so at the very least we get to experience some THIS GUY-isms. You’ve got nothing else to do tonight, so join us for the DERPENINGS.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Tie Rod” Taylor would be a good name to call yourself if you ever got sent to prison, because people would think you were in for manslaughter.

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Why Thank You Eddie

Or know how to repair a 74′ Buick Skylark..which makes you even sexier than Jared.

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Stabby Pants

I remember from some factoid from when he was VaTech: He’s literally named after the Auto part. I think his parents had a ton of kids and just ran out of names.

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Doktor Zymm

I assume that the announcers have a bet in the preseason. Who can say the most ridiculous thing that still sounds vaguely possible?

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WCS

Chris Berman extends that bet through the preseason, regular season, and post-season.

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King Hippo

Colt McCoy. ALL TEH GRIT.

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jjfozz

Gosh golly
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

When Arby’s said “the loaded Italian” I thought they were talking about Tony Sparano after Week 12 last year.

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Why Thank You Eddie

May have been thinking Siragusa but that would have been a wheelbarrow full of spoiled sausage out in the sun all day.

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Why Thank You Eddie

Jared, Arby’s? He has the meats? No, no, that’s a terrible idea. Can’t believe I thought that.

– Arby’s Marketing Director

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Duchess

Colt McCoy led the ‘Skins to a touchdown. Matt jones with the 1 yrd run

10-7 Lions

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WCS

COOCH! HE’S DA ANESWEER, COOCH! SEE YOO SOOPER SUNDEE!

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jjfozz

McCown doing his best impersonation of McCown

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jjfozz

I call this Munn-y for nothing
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Duchess

Redskins 2nd and Goal on the 1 yard line at the 2 min warning

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jjfozz

Overheard in a mall at a Cinnabon about 4 years ago:
Raven player: “You know who thinks we need to replace Flacco?”
Player’s buddy: “Who?”
Raven player: “Tyrod Taylor.”
Player’s buddy: “Really.”
Raven player: “Yeah, not only is he delusional, he’s an idiot.”

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Stabby Pants

Tyrod is the best QB they have. That’s almost as depressing as living in Cleveland or Buffalo.

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Duchess

RGIII cleared from concussion protocol but will not return to the game

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Why Thank You Eddie

Food goes in here, Mike.

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Stabby Pants

RG3 injured. It’s officially football season.

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Why Thank You Eddie

Wrong, its official when he comes back way to early to exacerbate the problem and tell everyone he’s fine. Or is that Tiger I’m thinking about.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The worst part of this is that now Buffalo is down to their unsigned practice squad players. I haven’t seen this many unpaid Bills since I collected Vince Young’s mail for him when he was on vacation.

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jjfozz

Okay, so since it’s no boobs policy, here’s my next best thing:
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Why Thank You Eddie

I’ll bet 10 bucks that’s real lizard skin. Not sure about the bikini and shoes.

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scotchnaut

Enabler Roll Call

Mill St. Organic Lager: “HERE!”

18 yr. Glenlivet: “HERE!”

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SonOfSpam

/opens fridge

Uh, Shock Top: “here I guess”

/drops head in shame

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

MIKE TIRICO: “The Browns will be backed up…”

RILEY COOPER: “…by the Blacks? Oh god! Race war!”

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scotchnaut

You know who else liked race wars? Donovan Bailey and Michael Johnson.

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Duchess

Ol’ Colt McCoy is in for the injured RGIII

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Doktor Zymm

I guess they want to save Cousins for when RG3 is injured in the regular season. Excuse me. I’m going to go sob in a corner.

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Duchess

McCoy is driving the ball pretty well

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is it bad that I’m kind of hoping this game finishes with a score of 0-0?

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jjfozz

The last time I saw this many Bills and Browns all over a field, I was hunting with Crazy Horse on the plains.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So I’m expecting the next one of the Buffalo Bills to collapse to the ground will be one of the trainers.

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Doktor Zymm

So, people who have actually played football. What role do you think conditioning plays in injuries? I have this theory that tossing in a couple hours of yoga a week might help, since it would increase flexibility and help strengthen smaller, structural muscles. Am I full of shit?

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jjfozz

The more I stretched, the less banged up I felt. But then again I was young and stupid and in shape.

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Duchess

Flexibility is key. I have known a few “weight room heroes” who could bench and squat the “house” but couldn’t do anything on the field because they were too tight.

It will help with the WR/ Skilled players because their injuries mostly consist of pulled muscles and shin splints but when you are on the line your injuries are usually broken bones and others form taking hits.

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jjfozz

Staff Sergeant, you have my complete respect.

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jjfozz

How in the fucking fuckity fuck you doing, boys?

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King Hippo

fucking fuck, man! you?

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Beastmode Ate My Baby

Gentlemen! Language! What will our #sponsors say?

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Duchess

RGIII to the locker room to get his shoulder looked at. He gave up a fumble in his own redzone and was on the ground for a while.

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Duchess

Now reported as a stinger and possble concussion

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Doktor Zymm

I think think -3 games into the season marks the earliest point I’ve lost hope.

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Why Thank You Eddie

*looking for terms of surrender documents online*

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King Hippo

Not a great week for Subway, huh?

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Doktor Zymm

Brown Defense : Stops the runs…

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scotchnaut

Do you want your team to go places? All you have to do is sign up a 36 yr. old McCown.

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Beastmode Ate My Baby

That was a 36 year-old McCownception.

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WCS

Could that drive ended in a more Browns fashion?

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scotchnaut

Could Paul Walker’s death ended in a more Fast and Furious fashion?

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King Hippo

Anything you can do, I can do better!

/your move, Bills

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scotchnaut

He’s been my rb3/flex play for about 3/4 years running.

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Doktor Zymm

I want an NFL RB to retire and open a chain of barber shops called Shifty Cuts.

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Duchess

RGIII is already down and out

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Doktor Zymm

Fuck, really?

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Duchess

Shoulder. He’s back up but not looking too happy. He was on the ground for a while.

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Doktor Zymm

He needs to get fat. It seems to have helped Matt Stafford stay healthy.

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King Hippo

Cousins for the Sooper Bowl, COOCH!!!

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Doktor Zymm

Ahh, Brown and Orange, just like shitty Halloween.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wow. I wasn’t expecting Cleveland’s defense to give up a drive like that until the regular season. Specifically, in a regular season game that they were losing by two points with eight minutes left in the fourth quarter.

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WCS

Could that drive had ended in any more Bills fashion?

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King Hippo

Hopefully they will take that as a dare,

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scotchnaut

Off the extended banana!

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scotchnaut

I think the Bills are going to run the ball a lot this year.

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King Hippo

Undead Fred Jackson, a value play yet again (that nobody wants).

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scotchnaut

FredEx fantasy comment belongs here.

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King Hippo

Factory in regular season form – making Tyrod Taylor and assorted 5th string flotsam skill players look GOOD.

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Beastmode Ate My Baby

It’s the Christian (Ponder) thing to do.

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Beastmode Ate My Baby

Football! Footballfootballfootball!!!

Foobaaaaaww!

FUBA-

Wait, what? It’s the Browns vs. the Bills…?

http://cdn.sheknows.com/articles/2012/10/sarah_parenting/baby-crying.jpg

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WCS

I believe it’s spelled, “FUBAR.”

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Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood

“A professional run-stuffer”… Not to be confused with my ex, who was a professional bra-stuffer…

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WCS

Ape won an Academy Award for this role.

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scotchnaut

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, YOUR UNIVERSITY OF BUFFALO FOOTBALL-PLAYING TEAM.

/5 rb’s out?
//no starting wr’s?

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WCS

Everyone knows Virginia Tech is known for their football prowess.
http://gamedayrcom.c.presscdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/beamer-bad.jpg

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King Hippo

Asking a Hokie to do something other than block a punt ,, smgdh

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Why Thank You Eddie

I’m walking into work tomorrow holding my collar. I’ll be the man. Yes, I am Yes I Yes I am.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[whimpers] when are they going to get to the fireworks factory?

http://www.11points.com/images/july4-fireworks.jpg

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Trapped at in-laws in Georgia. No access to game. In celebration of our presence, they are breaking out the “fancy” Stouffers French Bread Pizza, which I take to mean that the expiration date is only a month passed.

And for this, I am missing the Bills D taking free shots at Johnny Fuckface.

I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God.

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Why Thank You Eddie

Whatever you do, don’t let them take you canoeing on that river their going to flood for the damn.

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King Hippo

NFLN is replaying Skins/Lions at midnight. Don’t forget to set yer DVRs!

/yes, I am considering it, I am a sad, sad man with less than no life.

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scotchnaut

I’ve got a wife and two kids and I’m DVR’ing it because…[mumbles incoherently].

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Don’t feel bad, you just reminded me to tape the Raiders next preseason game so I can watch it when I get home from this weekend’s trip.

Is there anything more sad than watching taped preseason football? A one-eyed puppy, I guess, but at least he’ll probably be wagging his tail.

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scotchnaut

Sad? In the last half hour I called out a poster on a Syracuse Basketball site for not including Sarunas Marciulionis as one of the best Lithuanian NBA players in recent memory.

/top that
//I was polite about-it is my way

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American Pie Story

I like how there’s two O WE GON DRANK tags.

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Where is the O WE GON SNIFF AIRPLANE GLUE tag?

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WCS

Maybe we’ll get lucky, and the camera will inadvertently pan over to JOHNNY FOOBAWL snorting blow behind the trainer’s table.

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scotchnaut

I’m so damn curious about Rex’s Bills, I will watch the shit out of this game.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Well, there’s the bill from Payless, there’s the bill from the Spearmint Rhino, there’s the bill from Arnie’s Package Store…

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