In a pair of match-ups truly worthy of what we’ve come to expect from Thursday Night Football, tonight we’re “treated” to Washington and Detroit at 7:30, and the “marquee” game of The Factory of Sadness against everyone’s favorite pussytubing coach and his collection of quarterbacks who somehow are still on a professional football team not named the Jets or Jaguar’s roster.
Cleveland and Buffalo is somehow on The World Wide Leader, so at the very least we get to experience some THIS GUY-isms. You’ve got nothing else to do tonight, so join us for the DERPENINGS.
Instead of having the preseason, how about they just let fans pay $5 to sack the QB of their choice?
I CALL BRADY
Danny Boy thinks you should charge $25.
It’ll run you $600 to sack Geno.
“I have an idea you guys…what if we give the Browns 12 draft picks and see what happens?” –A Cleveland-Hating Sadist
At dinner, but anyone check the uproxxxxx live blog? No? Good.
The what now?
Is there one? Dave’s playing carsoccer with RFD right now.
http://www.twitch.tv/robotsfightingdinosaurs
There is no uproxx only zuul. I mean DFO.
No, why would I do that?
Aren’t we punishing ourselves enough with the Bills-Browns game?
Manziel vs Manuel, Sophie’s Choice
BREAKING NEWS (In my imagination) : TOM BRADY TEARS ACL RE-ENACTING WIZARD OF OZ SKIPPING SCENE….SENT HOME ALL SEASON….GRONK TO RECEIVE BRAIN…BELICHICK TO RECEIVE HEART…VEGAS ODDS PLUMMETT
BELICHICK TO RECEIVE HOG’S HEART. Yeah, there you go.
Wouldn’t a Cougar’s heart be more appropriate?
Wizard tells most of team they never needed the slippers, they had it inside of them all along…. Belichick whispers, “…eve… even me?”
Wizard glares at him, shouts, “OF FUCKING COURSE NOT!!” and storms from the room.
Do you think Rex is randomly shouting “WHERE THE FUCK IS NACHO?!” on the sidelines?
Those Browns uniforms are sooooo subtly different.
I have to get up at 5:30 to drive my kid to cross country practice, but I can’t tear myself away from this glorious shitshow.
THAT’S GOOD HUSTLE
Eh, I gotta wake up at 4:50 to go to the “gym” but you don’t see me putting down the wine bottle and turning off the teevee.
Wouldn’t running to practice himself accomplish the same goal?
Nighty-night banana cakes. Gotta work the morrow. Love you. See you later.
Ok. Remember, 1st rule of DFO, don’t talk about DFO.
Sweet Christ the Bills suck.
I thought we were done being honest?
That was Barry Sanders-esque right there.
I’m about an hour behind on the Cleveland game (Batman Lego with Mini-Jethro). So no spoilers.
[Johnny Football dies at the end, I bet.]
Almost, but they end up rebuilding him into Darth Vader.
So Bernie Kosar?
Taking away from the “football” on display for a moment… I got bored and watched this week’s Hard Knocks on my DVR a little while ago, and the only thing I’ve taken away from two weeks of the Texans’ shit show is that everyone, every single fucking person, associated with the Texans is a dick. Am I wrong on this?
Well, they are from Texas…
I was getting upset with the WatchESPN app for not letting me watch this “game”. I missed the first week of the preseason and this is the first game I get to watch. I am apparently a glutton for punishment.
This is the first recorded instance of ESPN showing any sort of restraint or respect for their viewers. Somebody mark this on a calendar.
EJ Manuel is ungood at the footed ball sportsgame.
He doesn’t have what they call the social skills either.
You think you’ve got it all figured out, then poof – you’re not playing ACC defenses anymore.
It’s like he doesn’t know what he’s doing.
He’s very good at it though.
HE SHOULD TRY PLAYING SPORTSBALL
Let’s be honest for a moment… Philly knows Bradford’s knees are made of Elmer’s glue, horse semen, and old wet cardboard. They rightfully sit him for a game of preseason and request divine intervention. Washington, who also have a starting QB fully constructed of elementary-school art materials, leave RGIII in a meaningless game because, as Matt Damon said, “Fuck him, that’s why.”
Some blame should be spread around on this one.
Dan Snyder blames the PC media and old women who cancel their season tickets.
Good grief. I thought you Illuminati weren’t supposed to reveal your identities.
Plus, the best player on the Skins O-line is sitting the pre-season, and they’ve been shuffling the right side of the line.
I’m going to take home RG3 to my parents and ask them to put him on their refrigerator!
The only positive about RGIII’s injury frequency is that Cousins will be ground into tomato paste by Halloween, and we may actually have a handprint-cutout Turkey take the field for Washington by Thanksgiving.
Can I go back to being dishonest now?
Finish your fucking broccoli first.
Hands up!! Don’t shoot!!
/Bills Lives Matter
By this point, I am in favor of someone shooting these guys.
Crown Royal Apple. No one drinks this.
5-3 score on the way, because EJ Manuel will run out the back the endzone thinking he just scored a touchdown.
Whoever that guy was is making a good case for himself as starting long snapper.
Waitaminute….. what’s this? I was updating my profile to change my picture, and there’s a button to edit for “Bias Language?
Is THIS what it has come to? It’s a plot, I tell you!
So I can’t talk about my dissertation here? (It was about correcting endogeneity bias. Bias!)
Bill Simmons insists DFO would have won 15 NBA titles if Language Bias hadn’t died.
I’d do a line to that.
Did anyone bring teh cocaine?
very ineffective holding, penalty declined
JOHNNY INCOMPLETEBALL
“I TOLD YOU TO STOP FUCKING CALLING ME THAT!!!”
– Nate Solder
Buffalo at Cleveland in Preseason makes Baby Jesus cry.
Could be worse. Could be the week 2 Monday Night game.
Dear fuck, we haven’t even hit one of the Titans and/or Bucs and/or Jags Thursday night shitfests yet.
Baby Jesus has so many, many tears yet to cry.
SO MANY SNAP COUNTS
So can we already call the Cleveland-Cinncinati games the Participation Trophy Bowl? I feel like Toilet Bowl has gotten old.
It should be, but, James Harrison took the trophy away.
Well done.
Already some RG3 injury related hawt takes : http://ftw.usatoday.com/2015/08/robert-griffin-iii-injured-update-shoulder-jay-grudens-fault
Proposed – in useless pre-season games with 3rd, 4th, umpteenth-stringers playing, an NFL coach should always go for it on 4th down. You need to see how these “bubble” players perform in pressure/impossible situations.
What say you?
I say why not, but, they won’t, because NFL head coaches are limpdicked pansies.
the ball should also periodically explode, like in that old video game with the robot players
Mutant League Football!! The best football video game of all time.
Yeah, it’s silly not to. Unless you have a punter battle goin’ on.
Greggggg’s balls would explode if this happened.
“How could such an apparently wonderful guy end up with Kathy Lee? We’re at a loss.”
-Scholars the world over
Before we get back to the game…its time to remember Christmas Ape. He would have told us to go the the second half rive brog now.
/holds tears back bravery
Anyone watching the [*Redacted] s game notice if Trent Williams was playing?
There’s a legit, 40% chance he’s playing, unless he’s not. Maybe.
/I actually don’t know
“No, I’m not playing.”
-Trent Green
RFD and Rappocop tag teaming in some video game car soccer: http://www.twitch.tv/RobotsFightingDinosaurs
Well, that was about what we anticipated for the first half.
3-3 FEEL THE PRESEASON FACTORY EXCITEMENT
What mass of quarterback-shaped failure is currently on the field for Cleveland? Is it the shitty one who I always confuse with his (similarly shitty) brother or the little drunk guy, whose name also escapes me. I wanna say…Tyrion Lannister?
3-0. At this point, I feel its important to mention Super Freak, Rick James was born in Rochester, NY, a mere 73.7 miles from Buffalo. I’m Rick James, bitch. Well there.
Wait, 3-3. Abby Wambach is also from Rochester.
I was born in Rochester!
I don’t see you on Wikipedia. Are you sure?
The Bills play the Jets in week 10, which is about when Geno Smith’s jaw will be healed and he’ll be coming back to the field. That’s gonna be some #storyline
It’s McCown who is flushed. Tirico had this written before hand
Does anyone here play World of Tanks? I’m not a gamer, I’m just curious.
We do!
-Philadelphia 76ers
*go ahead and subtract 1. *
PENNY (my dog): WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WATCHING THIS INSTEAD OF WALKING ME.
RTD: …
SHUT UP, DOG.
http://i43.tinypic.com/ogci6x.gif
Just an FYI:
RFD just went live with 4th and Goal.
http://www.twitch.tv/robotsfightingdinosaurs
Is this porn or footbaw? Pornbaw? Patent pending muthafuckas!
First nice play I’ve seen all night.
[*Redacted] s just messed up a 1st and goal to go into the half still 10-7
According to an update I just read, RG3 has “head issues”
Can’t decide whether to go with a blowjob joke, a bathroom joke, or a CTE joke.
Let’s call an audible: “Moar liek Swole Head Issues amirite?”
Maybe something beer related?
“Buffalo trying to sort out what they’re doing on the offensive side.”
/did I just hear that?
how can that be, Buffalo practically invented “no ofence”
I bet the character in the Allstate commercial whose voice keeps changing is named Dana.
It was a truly glorious day for the DFO crowd. Some terribly wrong stuff, some thought-provoking deep and insightful stuff and some just stupidly funny shit. If I wasn’t at work for another hour I would raise a glass of beer-whiskey to you all!
If you were down with the DFO, you’d throw one back right now! Are you down? Then go git that bottle of Glenlivet in your bottom drawer..unless you’re a flight controller.
What is the ratio of beer to whiskey in beer-whiskey?
Are my Johnny Cakes ready?
We know where you’re wicked silver tongue has been.
POINTS!
/never thought I’d see it…
Browns v Bills in exhibition action? And i thought I had it bad watching a CFL game between a 2-5 team and a 3-4 team, where both teams appear to be waiting for the season to end in 12 weeks.
The perks of being a season ticket holder