Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! It’s here, it’s queer and it’s not going away. I don’t know what that means but it sounded good in my head. I hope everyone is prepared-feel free to tell us what you’re eating/drinking to celebrate this most wonderful of days. As for you guys and gals lurking out there, sign up, get in here and lose your dick joke virginity. No one is going to be shoved into a locker because Horatio reaaaaaaally likes it in there and is sure as hell not going to give it up at this point. [in superhero voice] TO THE GAMES!
GB vs Chi: Good news-Cutler had some new charisma dampeners installed during the offseason. It will influence his play in no way whatsoever. The Packers look to be headed to the NFC Championship even without Jordy and it starts with a win here.
KC at Hou: I’ll go out on a limb and say that the wideout TD drought ends today with a toss to Maclin. I think Kelce, the best tight end after the human TD machine that is Gronk, will grab one also. Houston has a problem-they are 2-12 without Foster and there is only so much that Hopkins can catch. Sounds like a losing formula.
Cle vs NYJ: After this game one team will have a head start on their inevitable descent to the basement of their division whereas the winner’s same path will be delayed by one game. I’m thinking the Jets follow the lead of their eventual starter at QB and take this one on the chin.
Ind vs Buff: 32 yr. old Gore’s last hurrah will take place in Indy. The guy has done remarkably well for someone who has blown out a knee, had major surgery on both shoulders and fractured a hip. The Tyrod Taylor Era begins in Buffalo. It will be characterized by sailing balls, long scampers, ugly low-scoring games and a 2nd place finish in the AFC East. Maybe.
Mia at Wash: Does anyone cheer for the Washington franchise any more? They’ve got a powerful stink coming off them these days. Here’s hoping Miami slaps Snyder into the 21st century.
Car vs Jax: The Jags perhaps maybe making incremental progress? (sentence sponsored by PK) Bortles looked better in the pre-season, there’s a new RB in town and Robinson, Lee and Hurns aren’t the worst set of wideouts in the league. (I think the Titans, Niners and Browns are fighting for that distinction) If Funchess works out the Panthers will have a devastating aerial attack next year but I’m told there are still some games to be played in 2015.
Sea at StL: Business as usual for the ‘Hawks. I remain surprised that coach Carroll has been able to sustain this amount of success after the debacle that was his tour as leader of the Jets. One of the stars of a snarky post I did about “breakout” fantasy players may get the start at RB for the Rams. Step up to the mic Benny Cunningham and try not to trip on the way. The Rams are 3-17 against Seattle the last ten years. Ouch.
EDIT: The afternoon games thread is LIVE.
“Dolphins…[*Redacted] s…those rain gutters aren’t going to clean themselves.”
That was…that was a level of fail that I have never seen before.
I really overpaid for Lamar Miller at auction. 0.2 points against the goddamned [*Redacted] s.
Yeah, I think the fins have forgotten he’s on the team.
Soon or later the Seahawks will realize that the Rams defense is just their front four.
Huh….so the Bills might have a good Defense or something.
This Dolphins/Skins game is the Stoppable Force meeting the Movable Object.
It’s almost Kafkaesque. It should be televised in black & white in the pouring down rain with the entire crowd wearing trenchcoats.
The Browning Noise meeting the Full Portapotie
Shonn Green’s empty locker:
Foles with the is that a football face
I have successfully drank and footballed away my hangover!
Wooo!
A little “hair of the dog” helped me.
/Literally. My dog is asleep on my chest.
Now you’re messin with a son of a bitch.
“Missed extra points are exciting, you guys!” -Rules committee
We now have 2 missed PATs in the first half
Second XP derp of the day! Huzzah, rules comittee!
Kicking is too easy, you guys! People want to see missed kicks!
How to reengage Jay Cutler
1. Withhold his insulin;
2. Force Kristin to wear a chastity belt;
3. Threaten to vaccinate children;
4. Propose trade to Jaguars.
5. Give him Marb lights instead of Marb reds.
Only give him half a can of 9 Lives instead of a whole one.
Take all the tuna pieces out of his Meow Mix.
So, the Bears just lucked into a comptent coaching staff because two other organizations decided they hated winning?
Sort of. He has a shelf life, and a ceiling. But when your franchise is in “dumpster fire” mode (as the Panthers after Siefert and the Broncos after McDaniels), Fox is about the perfect fix-it guy to bring in.
fuck you and your fracking
The DON’T CAAAARRRRRE hurry-up is glorious to behold.
Rex Ryan is racist because he gave carries to not Lesean McCoy.
Somebody slipped Cutler some catnip.
Cutler had the reflexes of a cat on that run.
He saw a pack of Marlboros and ran straight toward it.
Troy-“Dom Capers has to be wondering what to do as a defensive playcaller.”
Umm…call defensive plays for once? First time for everything.
FEEL THE FITZMAGIC!!!!
Pulls a dead rabbit of hat
Huzzah!
Why do the Jets look competent?
Answer: Browns
Factory Backdrop
Woo Deckerdown!
I took Tyler Lockett with my last pick and he has more points than anyone else on my team so far. Course that’s from the bench.
Somehow, I have Lockett, Austin, and Decker on my bench.
Haha! Fuck the Colts.
Tyrod is going to get hurt from running too much.
Old TestamentDOWN in Jax!!
Coneheads was a great movie.
http://i.ytimg.com/vi/PBYPLF0jDS0/0.jpg
Cutler looked like he was having a smoke while waiting for the two-minute warning.
Miami has a lot of options. They could throw an interception. They could fumble. They could botch the snap…
Very nearly took option 1
Had a [*Redacted] open in the corner, but underthrew him
He’s throwing lasers to the receivers in the stands wearing Dolphins jerseys.
I really want Draft Kings and Fan Duel to go away.
Is it me or is the Jets secondary having more problems with the Browns than I’d expect?
You would think New York guys in uniform would have no problem hitting Browns.
Good day to be a kicker.
Except in Buffalo
Aaaaaaaand Vinatieri shanks the kick. God this game blows.
Tannehill (however you fucking spell it) makes me want to punch a fucking baby.
I don’t even like the fucking Dolphins…How does he consistently miss open wide fucking receivers?!?
Was Trestman just a really bad coach? Because the Bears look better than I remember last year.
Yes. Yes he was.
It was the exchange rate. It throws off all valuations.
This is why I bet $22 imaginary on them!
Bad at coaching, but good at giving out candy to little kids, so there’s that…
Great start for JJ Watt. Andy Reid should send him some ribs after the game.
So. Many. Flags. (CHI/GB)
Please, please, please let the Bears derpiness rub off on the Packers.
I don’t think you want Bears rubbing off on anything… unless you paid for it.
AR just smiled at that thought
Rubbing is too much energy for Cutty.
So there is a Cooley jersey in attendance and there’s a running count of times the camera shows rg3. We’re up to 7, the pregame over under was 10. Also a whole lotta awesome! (says the [*Redacted] s fan who started jordan reed)
That is a nice catch by Hartline.
You gotta he shitting me.
Rodgers just grabbed the refs tits
He likes the moobs.
Discount double check.
The commercials during footballs always fascinate the shit out of me. Especially the commercials for TV programs because I don’t watch TV other than sports.
Who watches this shit? I can’t help but picture a lot of board pets because someone forgot to turn off the TV.
Whoa!
Commentception
I have no clue how I managed that. I think its cause I am streaming Redzone on the computer at the same time comment and reading here.
I have no clue how I managed that. I think its cause I am streaming Redzone on the computer at the same time comment and reading here.
The commercials during footballs always fascinate the shit out of me. Especially the commercials for TV programs because I don’t watch TV other than sports.
Who watches this shit? I can’t help but picture a lot of board pets because someone forgot to turn off the TV.
The commercials during footballs always fascinate the shit out of me. Especially the commercials for TV programs because I don’t watch TV other than sports.
Who watches this shit? I can’t help but picture a lot of board pets because someone forgot to turn off the TV.
J.J. Watt in full uniform and pads while deep in the forest chopping wood because he forgot to pack a pair of jeans and a flannel.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/413110236d1003ebb28aee8eb01367a6/tumblr_nuk2eg8ugT1s5868do1_1280.jpg
So the Texans wanted Hoyer? Like, they trade for him or something.Yes?
They’re collecting all of the Patriots jetsam, figure there might be something worthwhile.
The football gods look down upon Jets-Browns, and show their displeaure.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/8d7c782505efead5ebf402ec3ece2ee4/tumblr_ns7nfyP8d11qi8pz7o6_r1_400.gif
Ye they shall charting their lack of accomplishment