Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! It’s here, it’s queer and it’s not going away. I don’t know what that means but it sounded good in my head. I hope everyone is prepared-feel free to tell us what you’re eating/drinking to celebrate this most wonderful of days. As for you guys and gals lurking out there, sign up, get in here and lose your dick joke virginity. No one is going to be shoved into a locker because Horatio reaaaaaaally likes it in there and is sure as hell not going to give it up at this point. [in superhero voice] TO THE GAMES!
GB vs Chi: Good news-Cutler had some new charisma dampeners installed during the offseason. It will influence his play in no way whatsoever. The Packers look to be headed to the NFC Championship even without Jordy and it starts with a win here.
KC at Hou: I’ll go out on a limb and say that the wideout TD drought ends today with a toss to Maclin. I think Kelce, the best tight end after the human TD machine that is Gronk, will grab one also. Houston has a problem-they are 2-12 without Foster and there is only so much that Hopkins can catch. Sounds like a losing formula.
Cle vs NYJ: After this game one team will have a head start on their inevitable descent to the basement of their division whereas the winner’s same path will be delayed by one game. I’m thinking the Jets follow the lead of their eventual starter at QB and take this one on the chin.
Ind vs Buff: 32 yr. old Gore’s last hurrah will take place in Indy. The guy has done remarkably well for someone who has blown out a knee, had major surgery on both shoulders and fractured a hip. The Tyrod Taylor Era begins in Buffalo. It will be characterized by sailing balls, long scampers, ugly low-scoring games and a 2nd place finish in the AFC East. Maybe.
Mia at Wash: Does anyone cheer for the Washington franchise any more? They’ve got a powerful stink coming off them these days. Here’s hoping Miami slaps Snyder into the 21st century.
Car vs Jax: The Jags perhaps maybe making incremental progress? (sentence sponsored by PK) Bortles looked better in the pre-season, there’s a new RB in town and Robinson, Lee and Hurns aren’t the worst set of wideouts in the league. (I think the Titans, Niners and Browns are fighting for that distinction) If Funchess works out the Panthers will have a devastating aerial attack next year but I’m told there are still some games to be played in 2015.
Sea at StL: Business as usual for the ‘Hawks. I remain surprised that coach Carroll has been able to sustain this amount of success after the debacle that was his tour as leader of the Jets. One of the stars of a snarky post I did about “breakout” fantasy players may get the start at RB for the Rams. Step up to the mic Benny Cunningham and try not to trip on the way. The Rams are 3-17 against Seattle the last ten years. Ouch.
EDIT: The afternoon games thread is LIVE.
Holy cow, Rams.
Buffalo’s D is really something else.
Bigger crime against humanity: Jets-Browns or Skins-Phins?
Phindler’s List
Skindler’s List works too.
Scenario:
A.) The Jets actually might be something approaching semi-, quasi-, almost not-quite fucking terrible
B.) Cleveland is still Cleveland, and will never not be the Factory
C.) It’s Week 1, pump the brakes
D.) None of the above
E.) All of the above
F.) Too Many Cooks
I thought I saw Fitz throw a TD that wasn’t a checkdown. You can’t expect that sort of play all year long.
*Rex Ryan looks up at scoreboard* “Holy fuck, am i drunk……well drunker than usually…”
No, you’re thinking of Rob.
/wolf howl in distance
Someone needs to report MIA/WAS to The Hague.
Skins gonna Skins.
That dude eye always looks like that, he’s an avid Big Boss cosplayer.
Is it too late for coffee?
http://36.media.tumblr.com/6a45b3ba86e13f8c2f9703224285eedc/tumblr_npqo9q5QYr1tvnsyro1_400.jpg
Never too late
What do you call a guy from Massachusetts trapped on Mars?
A good start.
Mars has tons of grit
I heard the H.O.A. on Mars is a bitch though.
Clock strikes 12 local time and…
/beer flies open.
Cheers folks!
Beer flies are the worst flies.
Having lived out west for awhile at one time, I got over worrying about that noon barrier pretty quickly.
It’s a fine line between enjoyment and being alive to watch the end of the late game.
So Suh hasn’t stomped anyone out yet?
Tannehill better watch out.
Bears-Packers has all the shitty shovel passes.
WordPress is starting to show some strain, it seems.
Yup
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You guys do see the Colts/Bills score, don’t you?
I see it. I can’t believe it, but I see it.
Seriously, James Jones? James Jones??? Rodgers is trolling us, right?
He did make the catch, right?
Week 1 fantasy football overreaction pickup will probably be James Jones.
Tavon Austin is definitely in the running
Jonesdown!
Christ this game is claiming the marquee players one by one.
Chris Ivory just got the soul knocked out of him
Dear Indy –
If Buffalo doing something felonious?
Or do you just suck?
Just wondering.
What is everyone drinking and can I have some
Beer beer beer and a nice cold beer along with that. Help yourself. Ice chest is right over there.
Deschutes sampler.
Yum.
Did… did I see The Gay Zorro himself in the Rams upstairs booth? We gotta resurrect that magnificently glittered hero.
He’s not the hero the NFL deserves, he’s the one they need, with checkdowns, passes to the flat, and bootlegs… boots that go all the way up them fine ass legs, honey.
Vestibule seating on this car is empty.
I am contented.
Did someone tell the colts the season had started?
Gravy hangovers are tough.
Unfortunately for them, Geno Smith has warg into Luck.
Did someone tell the coaching staff that we have Andre Johnson now?
Holy shit, Greg Jennings still plays…
I am pleasantly surprised by the adequateness of the Skins
Shhhhh. they might hear you.
’tis a bit of a shocker for me.
Somewhere, kam chancellor is laughing his ass off.
Here’s Johnny!
Rehabception!
JOHNNYFUCKINGFOOTBALLCEPTION
Apparently the annual Japanese tradition of culling dolphins on it’s beaches is not the only place where dolphins are dying en masse this week.
BOOBIEDOWN!!!!
My preseason pick of Buffalo going to the AFC championship game looks better and better.
‘If one pill could let you rehash a poorly performing movie as a tv series, would you?’
I would totally make a Dredd tv series on HBO.
Did Lesean McCoy just open a safe on his TD celebration?
Nick Foles is anti-Steve McNair. Just how Jeff Fisher likes it.
That bodes well for Foles’ longevity.
Are the Packers really hurting from lack of Nelson, or did the Bears actually figure out over the offseason that a defense is a thing a team needs?
Bears offense has dominated time of possession. Cutler isn’t doing great. Matt Forte is.
Thank god he’s on my fantasy team.
Six of one…
The Pack is going to find it hard to replace that 25+ yard threat that Jordy brought to the field.
Never mind
It’s not a good sign when it’s barely half time of game one and I’m already disgusted with both Fox and CBS and their goddamn exploding graphic sounds. Replay “CRASH BOOM EXPLOSION! !!” Spinning Fox logo “BANG BOOM CRASH ARRGGHHH”
They’ve basically eliminated my surround sound system.
Fucking infants.
NFL BROUGHT TO YOU BY FOX, BROUGHT TO YOU BY MICHAEL BAY! *BA-BOOM BITCHES* *RGIII blows up setting foot on the field.*
Phins/Skins: The Eternal Fumble of the Sportless Mind
I remember football related mood swings! Good thing I got my antipsychotic. *drinks beer*
Man the Dolphins/Skins game is peak NFC/AFC East football.
I’m so glad the Jets got sassy ref for week one
Scoreboard looks pretty grim.
I am not watching the Dolphins/Snyders, but, I hope to see this fumble everyone just mentioned.
It’s so long it’s almost un-GIFable.
It’s hot potato greased pig. Good stuff.
I wonder if Trent Green is just sitting on a toilet with his pants down the entire game.
That’s how he spends most of his time, anyway.
I think he carries around one of those Pre-Skool training potties with him wherever he goes.
That fumble needs yakety-sax immediately.
Holy fuck, Phins/Skins just turned onto an episode of The Benny Hill Show.
Beat me to it.
Just now?
Show RG3 being chased on the sidelines by hot neurologists
“The Eternal Fumble” in DC apparently. Yeesh.
Holy fuck, that fumble recovery in the Dolphin/Skins game was amazing.
Yakety Sax.
It’s a failure-off for the fish.