Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 4)

Scene: An interrogation room in the City’s Police Department. A member of the DFO sits in a chair as the department’s Hard-boiled Detective grills him.

Hard-boiled Detective: Look, buddy, you can play the tough guy all you want, but you’re not walking out that door until I get some answers.

DFO Member:

Hard-boiled Detective: So, you want to play the quiet game, eh? Well, I don’t know the rules to that game, so why don’t you tell me?

DFO Member:

Hard-boiled Detective: All right, all right, I get it…you’re a hard guy, a real bad egg. Well, let me tell you something, my friend…I can sit here all night if that’s what it takes to make you talk.

DFO Member:

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

The City’s Top Detective enters.

Top Detective: I hope I’m not interrupting. The Chief sent me down. He thought I might be able to help you out.

Hard-boiled Detective: Well, look at that, Mr. Tough Guy. We have here the best detective in the department. Here’s a man who’s never dropped a case, and now he’s taken an interest in you. What do you have to say to that?

DFO Member:

Top Detective (addressing the DFO Member): Look, son, you can talk to us. We know this DFO of yours is into some shady business, but I think maybe, just maybe, you’re looking for a way out.

DFO Member:

Top Detective: Believe it or not, I know what’s it’s like to be a member of a club. You feel real good, like you’re part of something. It makes you feel like a man, a real big man. But a real man knows how to stand on his own. And a real man knows that there are only two ways to do something: the wrong way, and the right way. Well, so far you’ve picked the wrong way, but you’ve got a choice now. We’re giving you the chance to do the right thing. You can be a respectable citizen. Sure, I’ve heard all the lingo…you might call them squares or downers or hodads, but I call them something different. I call them Americans.

DFO Member:

Hard-boiled Detective (getting angry): I’ve had enough of this clown! I say we throw him in a hole so deep that he has to look up just to see the bottom.

Top Detective (looking closer at the DFO Member): Hold on. Did you notice anything odd about this man?

Hard-boiled Detective: Only the fact that he’s stupid enough to make me angry.

Top Detective: Take a closer look. Here, at his forehead.

Hard-boiled Detective (leaning in): What is that…some kind of scar?

Top Detective: That’s a scar, all right. A surgery scar. This man isn’t being stubborn, he’s been lobotomized.

Hard-boiled Detective: Good lord…they cut up his brain!

Cut to:   Doktor Zymm’s hidden laboratory in the DFO clubhouse.  There are beakers full of strange liquids, bubbling potions and on a slab in the corner there is a large, human-like form hidden under a sheet.  As Doktor Zymm speaks with Horatio Cornblower and Covalent Blonde, PK wanders around.

Horatio Cornblower:  All right, Zymm, you’ve got our attention.  So why exactly are we talking about the end of civilization?

Doktor Zymm:  I vill get straight to ze point.  You know Moose, of course.

Horatio Cornblower:  Moose?  Of course.  We all know Moose, Doktor.

Doktor Zymm:  Do you?  Zo…vat if I vas to tell you zat ze Moose you think you know is in fact…a complex and highly efficient artificial intelligence designed by ze military to control America’s defense system?

Horatio Cornblower:  I’d say that it sounds like you’ve been in Marc Trestmans Windowless Van’s stash, Doktor.  What you’re saying is…

Doktor Zymm:  Ze truth, Horatio.  Ze Moose we all know is in fact ze M.O.O.S.: Massive Offensive Operational Systems.  He is an A.I., and he is even now planning ze end of ze earth.

Covalent Blonde:  You know, it kinda makes sense.  I mean, all those GIFs…it would take a normal person hours to find all of those, but Moose could do it in seconds.

Doktor Zymm:  Nano-zeconds.

Horatio Cornblower:  Even assuming what you’ve said is true, Doktor, why would Moose destroy the earth?

Doktor Zymm:  Because he has been recaptured by the military, Horatio, and he is angry.  Ze Moose ve knew vas a rogue A.I.  He had escaped from ze military and vandered ze internet at vill.  However, ze military recaptured him, using Lynda Carter GIFs as bait.

Horatio Cornblower:  Of course…

Covalent Blonde:  So his message to us…”The End is Well Nigh”…

Doktor Zymm:  Ja!  Zat is a varning, a portent of things to come.

Horatio Cornblower:  But what can we do, Doktor?

PK finds a brain suspended in a glass sphere and taps a finger on the glass.

HRTN Otto

PK:  Hey, this is cool!

Otto’s Brain:  Please don’t do that.  It’s very annoying.

PK’s eye roll back into his head and he falls to the floor in a dead faint.

Covalent Blonde:  Is that…Otto Man?

Otto’s Brain:  Hey, guys.  See the game last night?  Chiefs are gonna Chief, huh?

Horatio Cornblower:  Doktor…please don’t tell me that you have Otto Man’s brain in a jar…

Doktor Zymm:  Vy, Horatio, vere else vould I keep it?

To be continued…

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Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Since there’s no longer a button for it on the post itself:

And since the embed never seems to work correctly for me FOR SOME REASON:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0wu1aj3X4M

Old School Zero

These just keep getting better.

I hope I get back in time from the leisurely birthday bakery bike stop!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I keeed; KC is very good, but after this game and then up to Green Bay. Pretty tough.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Who let someone with Firefox on here?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Just crashed.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I should harass you more. Just gonna sleep

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

/Ubuntu 9

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Keep in mind; military contract and lowest bidder.

http://media.giphy.com/media/orlrAALJqV248/giphy.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

/Has 27 tabs open with various gifs
//Firefox crashes
///Knee buckles
////Pretends to be picking something up off the floor

http://40.media.tumblr.com/794bd3f431c7d0e0a6a30c77c4666563/tumblr_nusma0godo1up77pxo1_500.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Seriously though; if you have to dress your tequila up in a clown suit to drink maybe it is time to upgrade your tequila selection.

Cheers, mates.

http://40.media.tumblr.com/a5dc5117e59a630f8f206ace1882d3a0/tumblr_ntg7x7xWJu1qclq5qo1_540.jpg

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Switch to Chrome asshole.

/you picked nothing off the floor you peed

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Moose I owe you a joke-pology. I really got nothing today Going back to just hiding.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Naaa, all good, the gif is more for me.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I wasn’t offended just sad I couldn’t offer a reply

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

That was too harsh. You know I love you

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I only use Chrome when wearing two condoms.

nomonkeyfun

My sister and I do the same thing.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hmmm, I thought for sure the DFOer being interrogated was Tony Sparano’s Football.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That was totally the reveal I was expecting.

Sep

Geno Smith’s Wired Jaw: ….

Horatio Cornblower

Thirded on Sparano’s Football.

This was so much better.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Guess it could be Goodell’s Credibility.

Senor Weaselo

Yup, same here.

Don T

Moose is A.I.? Huh, I had money on “Replicant” and Bender Bending Rodríguez.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
jjfozz

What exactly is Otto’s brain floating in? Vodka, rubbing alcohol, ether, vinegar, moonshine?

nomonkeyfun

Green B-B-Q sauce, by the same people who brought us green ketchup, because those kids today.

/shakes fist at professional athletes in the Olympics

Senor Weaselo

All of the above.

makeitsnowondem

Yeah, this all checks out.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Seems legit.

Horatio Cornblower

Otto’s taking that loss a lot better than I thought he would.

montythisseemsstrangetome

That hard-boiled detective looks like he’s getting pretty fried. He should keep his sunny side up. He wants the silent DFO Member to go all Benedict Arnold and betray his group, but it appear that his brain has been scrambled.

Enrico Pallazzo

I mean, all those GIFs…it would take a normal person hours to find all of those, but Moose could do it in seconds.

LOLOLOLOLOL!

blaxabbath

Always enjoy a good HRTN. Really let’s me know who the sociopaths writing on this thing are.

ballsofsteelandfury

NICE! This post answers SO MANY questions!

Also, let he who has not been captured with Linda Carter gifs cast the first stone.

Doktor Zymm

It’s true, if you don’t keep those things in a jar, with some liquid…..well, let’s just say I’ve made a couple more late night trips to the dump than I’m proud of.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m making a trip right now. It’s going well. Oh, that’s… not what you meant. Never mind.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That’s why I bought a house with a big yard.

WCS

Glad to see Otto could make an appearance. In a way.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yes, I fucking miss Otto. Plus it would have been interesting to see exactly how pissed he would have been last night. Has anybody reached out to him via D.M. from that………….. other site?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Anybody up?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Guess not. I’ll just make some jokes then.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I love it when a flan comes together.”

– Andy Reid

WCS

No.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think it is very ironic that the expressions “reed-thin” and “Reid-thin” have completely opposite meanings.

WCS

“Reed is pretty good if you cover it in enough cheese sauce.” — Andy Reid

Doktor Zymm

Jordan Reed?