Your job sucks, the apartment/house is a mess but you don’t feel like cleaning , the kids/dog/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend is/are howling at you-you need some peace, don’t you? Well here comes good old football to fill the void that family and loved ones can’t. Now just pull up your Chevy Silverado to the old TV, crack open a Bud Lite, and get face deep into a bag of Doritos while you wait for the Papa Johns to arrive. All better? All better. Now remember this feeling tomorrow morning when you get that twitch that tells you to plow into that damn crossing guard. GOD, Could She Take Any Longer To Walk Halfway Out Onto The Road And Back?
KC @ GB: She’s gonna be a sloppy one tonight folks. I checked the weather for the area and it’s 72 degrees but it feels like, ah, 72. There’s a 100% chance of rainy days and Mondays getting you down, as a skeleton once chirped. Here’s something to wrap your noodle around-Smith is only 4 yds behind Rodgers in passing yards. Rodgers pulls way ahead in overall charisma and endorsements though. The Packers rush D is a bit confused these days-they gave 141 yards to Forte but only 41 to Marshawn. JC will end up somewhere in the middle with some receiving yards to boot. Lacy and Davante Adams are listed as probable and if you tune in you can say that you were there when the WR TD drought ended because the Chiefs listed Kelce at the position. IT WAS THE ONLY WAY IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. Andy Reid is chewing the fat right now, trying to figure out what to do with CB Jamell Fleming. QB’s that pass on Fleming have a 111 rating. Guess where Rodgers is going to focus his energies? Hopefully, Justin Houston will get some pressure on Rodgers. Who the heck is Houston? He’s the guy that isn’t JJ Watt because the former actually led the league in sacks last year. The knowledge-I dropped it on you.
Ever get out of the shower…all fresh and clean…and realize you got to take a shit?
Every time I see Alex Smith play, I get the same feeling as that.
Yeah. It goes ‘shit, shower, and shave’ in that order for a reason.
Do you think Andy’s ever been tempted to gnaw on one those cheesehead hats?
I thought we discussed overly sexy banner pics, scotchy.
We did. But the subject of your fetishes never came up.
I do love redheads…
+1
We’ve progressed all the way to calling pick plays during the play-by-play. Pick plays have become the driving-around-with-pills-and-cash of on-field infractions.
Do as Irsay, not as I do.
Turning into a bit of a one sided affair…
http://static.fjcdn.com/gifs/Worlds_a0ae05_2040712.gif
“Of all the guys I could have accidentally hit in the face I had to pick Russian Jason Statham!”
THIS GUY AARON RODGERS, I CALL HIM JOHN CHIVINGTON, BECAUSE HE’S MASSACRING THE CHIEFS!
At least if this ends up as a blowout I can go to bed early…right?
If you really aren’t Trevor, 16, from Des Moines, then yes.
You’re an adult, you can do whatever you want!
As an old person, I often secretly kind of root for that.
Though I am stuck waiting up for teh fantasy this week.
All I need is 2 TDs and 100 yards from Kelce and Maclin to get hit with a cattle prod.
I have such little faith in Alex Smith and the Reidster that I benched both of them after only two weeks.
You’re a wiser Commentist than I.
“Eric Berry comes back from canker? Whoop-de-damn-doo.”
-My hearing-impaired granfather
Also, I was listening to the pre game show on my way home and they were interviewing Brady. Last question was some for-fun style quip that asked him, if he could be any other pro athlete, he would Tom like to be? Brady laughs and brushes it off with the canned response of admiring so many players and being inspired by so many athletes growing up — then NAMES BARRY BONDS AS AN ATHLETE HE LOOKS UP TO!
He’s trolling, right?
I doubt it.
Lack of self-awareness loves company.
The man has no soul.
He really believes that “they hate us because they ain’t us” tripe.
In his defense, he’s a Bay Area guy and I believe he and Bonds went to the same high school.
Honestly…I would get into so much fucking trouble if I was an athlete. I would never be able to stand the media or the fans.
Lots of guys took steroidts,,, only one broke Hank Arons record pple forgt that.
Dontari Poe, is that his real name or his stripper name?
Just remembered this is a battle of Class of ’05 QB’s. Others from that year include Kyle Orton, Jason Campbell, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Matt Cassel, Horse Balls Anderson and Dan Orlovsky. The latter two I was stunned to learn are still in the league.
That’s a battle in the same way that Fort Pillow was.
Well shit. Then I guess our FF group truly isn’t the Worst. League. Ever.
That’s two weeks where Rodgers has had to tell the refs to throw a flag and why.
It’s nice when they are good listeners.
He’s old enough to earn them.
He’s old enough to do that.
I don’t like seeing a red ass on TV unless my slave and I are watching bondage pay-per-view.
Gee Gruden, it’s almost like Rodger is running some kind of offense that stretches the field horizontally. What’s it called again?
I gotta cook dinner but don’t feel like standing/going to the store. Would like to phone it in but if Jenny goes in tomorrow and talks about how I didn’t have a hot meal ready when she got back from her shift, I’m gonna get #nursesunite-ed.
Chicken parm?
Can never go wrong with chicken parm. Even if the food’s mediocre, a big glass of wine and the fact she didn’t have to make it will do wonders for you.
Random stuff casserole.
The food will be mediocre, this is can guarantee.
Or stir fry
Is Jenny’s number 867-5309?
http://images.wikia.com/simpsons/images/f/f1/Donut_Homer.jpg
Jon Gruden obviously has never heard of Don Hutson.
Man, I really wanna take the Raiders in Survivor this week. On the road.
#Hipposgotballs
Just saw the Vine of the TD play. That could have been a nice end to Rogers’ season.
I sent this in to BDD funbag, but suppose GB and NE are both still undefeated later into the season (say, week 10 or 11), how much would the NFL Brass pull strings to get them both to BIG DEAL SUPER BOWL 50 undefeated so that they could end their BIG GOLD SEASON with a 19-0 champ guaranteed?
Can I just kill myself now?
Well, despite what it says in the ad, you DO usually have to pay extra for a Big Golden Season.
I think I’m gonna use Fry’s dad’s special eggnog recipe : Bourbon and ice cubes
Shoulda started Ty over Jones. Still, 1 RodgersDOWN, 2-3 more to go and we’uns in business.
KelceDOWNs would also suffice but I am skeptical.
Hey guys. Not sure if it’s been discussed here yet this season but we’re all in agreement that in those DraftKings commercials Edward Norton is playing the same narrator from Fight Club that came full-circle and embraces shallow consumerism once again, right?
“Reminds me of Joe Montana. You know, the guy who played for the 49ers.”
https://youtu.be/9Lge2_H_8IQ
Doctor….doctor….doctor…
Nice to see Chiefs are keeping the no wide receiver touchdown catch streak going, and Green Bay is keeping the no black people in our city except for our team’s players streak alive too.
Good evening you beautiful bitches.
That’s not true about Green Bay. The black players stay in Milwaukee.
If that were true, we’d have no players. You seen the murder rate we’re running? I’ve lived in both. You’d much rather live in gb, even with the faults.
I love your username, ergo, I love you.
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view/1019818/kids-in-the-hall-buddy-cole-o.gif
I keep my slave in wonderful condition, btw.
Seconded!
Best Lesbian Softball Team Manager EVAR
Bucs baserunning has been comical.
They should be up at least 2-0.
Go over to the baseball thread-plenty of action over there.
So we’re telling each other where to comment now?
Don’t think so.
Do you understand what jokes are?
Don’t think so.
Of course Sill knows what jokes are. He roots for the Pirates.
Should get Papelbon to choke the runners out. That’ll solve the probem.
Warstenier Oktoberfest. Mmmmm, bread.
Nice of McCarthy to remember that Cobb exists.
Jared Allen and now Jon Bostic gone from the Bears’ D. I’d call this a firesale, but apparently that has poor connotations in Chicago.
The D on both teams is showing the O a certain Tony Danza sitcom right now.
Taxi?
No thanks, I’ll just walk.
I’m taking Elton John, Freddie Mercury, Liberace, George Michael, Men on Film, and Elizabeth II this week in Draft Queens. You fuckers are TOAST.
I’m taking Elvis, B.B., Rodney, Stephen and Edward I in my Kings draft.
LORD PALMERSTON!!!
And you forgot me?
I’m below two straight blacks pretending to be gays? Don’t make me marry Arianna Huffington, honey!
Ahh. Home. Shoes off, bra off, pants off. Game on projector, haven’t missed anything. Now for the million dollar question. Manhattan, Martini, or other?
4 LOKO you are going to need it.
Yes.
I just saw a recipe for a martini where you go half/half vermouth/absinthe instead of the normal vermouth amount. Gonna make me one of those soon.
Whiskey Sour, hold the sour
You’re the doctor. Physician, know and heal thyself.
Stoli and soda.
No ice, no soda.
I need Aaron Rodgers to score like it’s closing time at The Manhole ,, no ofence
Closing Time is a bad song and you should feel bad.
I agree and didn’t even consider the side effect of said joke attempt. Mea culpa.
I’m just funning.
(in Lee Carvallo’s voice):
“The traditional way for Aaron Rodgers to score is with the manhole open.”
What are the odds of two guys who spell their name “Rodgers” ending up on the same team?
Slightly higher than the odds that these two would.
http://rx.iscdn.net/2010/08/dingleberry.jpg
And one of them likes Rodgering.
What are the odds of them connecting on a score? Because a victory in the fantasy depends on it.
So does next week’s anthem feature an accordion player?
I’d kill to see Weird Al do it.
MOAR INSTRUMENTAL ANTHEMS PLEASE!!!!
Kazoo?
I’m getting behind this.
Arturo Sandoval had an absolutely fucking killer version on the trumpet from a few years ago. Dude hit a super-C… that’s a full octave above what’s considered the extreme end of the regular range of the instrument. It was just awesome. Can’t find it right now, but seriously, seriously impressive.
Do you guys know of any 1 day fantasy sites? Or perhaps where I can acquire a large amount of money for doing very little on the internet?
No idea bro.
dafuq? That’s sorcery.
I made $12 posting on DoorFliesOpen.com.
My cousin’s whore roomate makes $500 an hour and you can too at totallynotavirusorpyramidscheme.com
Macro brews in the lede? We must be #UP4WHATEVER
Gentlemen.
Do we have a new Matron Saint, or is it still Suzy?
Apparently the new lady is Emily Polish Last Name.
I like to think it’s Michelle Ryan.
That’s what I assumed.
Typical Fan: “Can’t wait for the game to start. I really like football.”
Pre-Game Show: “THIS FOOTBALL GAME IS THE SHIT! EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS GAME IS FUCKING FANTASTIC! WHOOOOOOOO!!!!! YOU SHOULD WATCH THIS GAME. DO IT!
Typical Fan: Uhh…I was going to watch anyway. Why are you going off the rails?
Pre-Game Show: “OFF THE RAILS? I’M JUST GETTING STARTED MOTHER-FUCKER! LET’S DO THIS!
Typical Fan: [watches something else until the game comes on]
SUZY KOLBER!
Totally gone from UPROXX.
KSK redirects you to the home page.
UPROXX turned into a shallow link-bait aggregator so gradually I… well no, I definitely noticed.
hey guys
Yo.
Sup
Howdy padnah
you guys like oatmeal
Umm. Sure…
i like oatmeal too
sup
oatmeal is nice on a cold morning with brown sugar but cinnamon toast crunch with cold milk is great in hot weather
when its hot out i like lucky charms
It seems I still can’t kill with only a thought. I should keep practicing.
They’re going to the Cubs game. If I hear about a foul ball hitting someone in the head and damaging their Broca’s area, I’m going to assume it’s one of them and I do have telekinetic powers.
PLEAZ DO!
They’re singing some godawful song now. On the bus. On a Monday night. There are not enough shovels for all the beating I want to do.
And The Winning Drink Is…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cw0B9qRQlbs
Is there anything more useless than the shootout of a pre-season hockey game?
I can only reply to comments apparently, can never make a new one.
Refresh the page, sometimes it gets stuck in reply mode. Or see if you can hit ‘cancel reply’ before posting.
I think the cancel reply is the winner, even if I’ve already posted a reply I need to cancel to get back to status quo-mmenting. Oh DFO Gods, is this the punishement I get for blocking linkedin scripts from running on this page?
The rest of a preseason hockey game?
Dear MNF, please hold off on being a total shitshow until I can get off this damn bus with the yelling people I want to smack in the face with a shovel, get in my condo, sit on my couch, and have a goddamn drink.
We should consider ourselves lucky if it’s half as entertaining as British Monday Night Footy was this afternoon. EVERTON massive road comeback WOO!!
West Brom is the Texans of the EPL, so you don’t have to feel bad for their fans.
Chelsea are the Pats of the EPL, right? There’s no doubt that Stoke are the Browns.
West Ham are the Raiders.
And one would be surprised how many British NFL followers dig the Raiders.
Fat Eddy needs to net me two points for a win. I shouldn’t be worried, but yet…
I’ve already beaten a former coworker, and am delighted at the opportunity for Fat Eddy to make this better.
Andy Reid Carefully Consults Plastic Bib With Chiefs Offensive Plays
http://i.onionstatic.com/onion/5143/1/16×9/800.jpg
http://www.theonion.com/graphic/andy-reid-carefully-consults-plastic-bib-chiefs-of-51400
Early Bird plays get 50% less yardage!
Mmm dink and dunk doughnuts and passing.