[waves beige flag] Up here in The Canada we’re three days into Justin Trudeau’s Reign Of Liberal Terror. Not much has changed. Oh wait, last night on my way home I was dragged out of my car and forced to do a bong against my will. Bastard six year-old’s-I’ll get you some day! Actually, now that I think of it, I walked into work the day after the election and my new boss was an Inuit-and I own my own business. That’s not right. Well, I’m sure I’ll feel better at 4 pm tomorrow when I collect my first weekly $500 Happy Citizen Stipend. I can apply for more but I don’t want to seem greedy. I guess at some point I’ll get accustomed to all the changes but it’s going to take some time…
Sea @ SF: Is it week seven already? Then it must be the first of many must-win games for the dregs of the NFC West. The team that does the vanquishing tonight will greatly increase their odds of finishing third in the division. Despite Sherman’s bravado, you (if you are a team) can run, pass and wiggle the old kielbasa at The Legion of Boom and they won’t do much about it. Everyone gets well vs. the Niners this year but the ‘Hawks are wonky as hell. [light bulb appears over head] I’ve got it! “THIS GAME WILL NOT BE A MESS.” There ya go-I fixed it for you!*
*pssst…there’s hockey, college football, FIFA U-17 Football, wood nymph volleyball and even Grey’s Scatology on elsewhere-I won’t mind if those things come up every once in while down below.
Ankle throw!
DRINK!
If ankles had hands, Bolden would’ve caught that
Kapernick blocks like an arthritic nun
LOOGIT that Kap with the block. Grityy.
About half gritty.
7ots of gr7t
Oh yeah…Boldin exists…
Another reason to fucking hate the 9ers…they are wasting one of the best receivers in the league.
Boldin is a motherfucking stud.
How the fucking Ravens ever let him go is beyond me. Fuck you Harbaugh.
Seriously. I love Steve Smith.
But I would give my left nut to have Boldin back on the team.
Seriously. I wasn’t happy to see him go to the *shudder* Niners.
THIS STEVE JOBS MOVIE, I CALL IT PERVERTED TEENAGE SEX, BECAUSE IT’S ABOUT JERKING OFF OVER AN APPLE
Deion is gonna show us what makes Revis so good? Is it just going to be a whiteboard that someone wrote “NATURAL ABILITY AND THE OCCASIONAL UNCALLED HOLD” on?
Jesus, that’s a sick fucking catch.
Pretty much Boldin’s entire career. The Raven’s SB ring owes so much to Boldin making tough catch after tough catch.
Awwwwww yeah, chicks locked in cages with tarantulas!
Welp, won’t be needing you guys!
/points to pants
That’s… pretty specific
The worst thing about that commercial is we’re supposed to be impressed that McConnaughey drew a straight flush. We don’t even know how he bet it. He probably played it too fast and chased everyone out of the pot.
Last time I played poker a girl (very good player, incidentally) drew a royal flush after everyone folded during the flop. And she didn’t even push it or anything.
Oh, that’s horrible. I’d just leave if that happened to me.
Shit, I’ve never even had a regular straight flush (without wild cards)
Karl Malden sure was excited there.
Are we sure Charmslinger wasnt born in Hawaii, Kenya?
Jerry Richardson: Where’s his birth certificate?
Bush must get paid by the stutter step
Kap threw that to the ground. Directly. into the ground.
The replay even showed a receiver who could have gotten yardage has the throw been to him.p, and still we get praise from Pheel.
“What’s your point?”
-Tim Tebow
“I hate bugs and gross things”
Good thing you’re on ‘Fear Factor’ then stupid.
George Levi is going to be awfully miffed when he finds out a Haggar performed in his stadium.
!!! I JUST figured it out; that’s why Harbaugh got fired! He wouldn’t put on the Levi’s!
That commercial just made me hate Lincolns
Fuck you John Wilkes Booth
It was a shitty play too
“Me too.”
– Jefferson Davis
It’s the fucking jazz music, pretentious douchebag shit that it is. We get it, you’re cool, Matt. Put on some fucking Aerosmith and say “alright alright alright” like everyone wants you to already.
Right? If I see one more fucking ad for Big & Tall…
I just imagine winning some kind of prize where its an evening on the town with Matthew McConaughey…
I think my response would be “Um…can I redeem this for anything…how about that mug over there that says ‘World’s Ugliest Dad’?”
You know those battering rams the cops use to knock down doors on crack houses?
I want to use one on McConaughey’s face whenever that fucking douchebag tries to sell me a car on TV
“FUCK IT I’m goin’ derp!”
God: Use yo dick. ASSHOLE.
I feel bad for Ciara. She’s the only one who can’t grab Wilson’s balls.
I thought God didnt like Men touching another man’s balls
GOD HATES TURNOVERS
http://38.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4em9jdECI1r9jw6n.gif
Decent impromptu punt by Wilson…
Nice punt, Russ.
Charmception REDUX!!
Charmception II
Electric Boogaloo
Charmception. God hates you
If Doug Baldwin grabbed the nickname Dougernaut before it could catch on with Doug Martin, it’d be the best troll of the year.
Every week, I think this will be his 2 td week. Every week I am wrong. The second I drop that bastard he will explode for 25 pts. I am doomed.
So next week, I got about 8 customers coming in from all over the US (and two from Peru) to get training on one of our equipment we sell. I’ve never actually worked on said equipment before in the field. Also, the training guy quit suddenly and moved out of state…and no one bothered to ask him what the passwords for the training computers are.
I also have a severe nervous verbal tick from the mental breakdown I had a month ago.
Talking to the one manager while I was running simulations for the training and I get asked “You can stop stuttering for the training right?”
“Oh yea yeah yeah yeah I ju…I ju….I do this to impre….impre….impress the chicks”
Gonna be a fucking FUN week!!!!
F-F-F-F-F-FU-FU-FU-FUCK THAT GUY!
He’s actually a pretty nice guy…but he is a pretty old and clueless dude.
I know him well. I know he didn’t mean any offense by it. At the same it was one of those “Holy shit dude?!? SERIOUSLY???”
Damn, dude. I’ll light a candle for you this week.
Sammy Hagar performed at halftime? How quaint! Just like the 49ers, his fame has been coasting on his 1980s success.
What is this “55” you speak of, Mr. Hagar? Is that a new app?
Sammy Hagar performed at half time? Holy shit Tomsula really fucking IS Carl from ATHF.
Wow, someone managed to drag Sammy Hagar away from his bar?
http://fanaru.com/aqua-teen-hunger-force/image/41450-aqua-teen-hunger-force-carl-rocking-out.gif
He’s gonna need a camper to live in come January, don’t forget.
Hey Shecky, check out them Joobs
Sarah Silverman bummed a cigarette from me once.
I’ve been watching reruns of ‘Fear Factor’. Somehow I feel like I’ve won this evening.
[tries to swallow mouthful of worms] What is this “Fear Factor” thing you’re talking about?
Now, I’m not saying I’d sell my soul to have the Dolphins decimate the Patriots, break Brady’s arm, and rupture Edelman’s spleen BUT i might consider sacrificing a cat or lemur or something to give Bellicheat a raging stomach virus.
“Go with the cat.”
-Lemur
Woo hoo I’m drunk!
I’m getting there on one cocktail. Been a busy week.
I’ll drink to this.
Dammit, now I remembered I bought my friend wine and I didn’t have any of it.
I have to stay relatively sober. My roommates best friend arrives tonight, I have to chaperone two St. Louis firey chicks all over Portland.
Y’all pray for me, please
Andy Reid is The Last Sandwich Hunter.
“Where we’re going…we don’t NEED napkins”
Where we’re going, we don’t need FORKS”
1.21 jiggle whats?
No, just be specific, I think I can do it.
— Andy Reid
Andy Reed is why there are Hunger Games
2Fat2Flubby
My last year in college, we stopped the other team and the punter comes on and crushes a 70-something yard kick.
I swear to Jebus my coach said, “Jeez, he kicked the vagina off the ball.”
It makes no sense, and was completely out-of-character for the guy to say. But nothing else makes any sense.
He didn’t request sexual reassignment and pledge a sorority at University of Maryland, did he?
http://gawker.com/5994974/the-most-deranged-sorority-girl-email-you-will-ever-read
A teammate thought he said “Jeez, he kicked the flatulence off that ball,” but that didn’t sound right.
He definitely said “off”
Cockfighting Seinfeld is on. Little Jerry or boring football game.
“Russell Wilson knows a thing or two about baseball.”
I do as well. That’s the joke.
Evening ladies and gents. Has Kaepernick killed anyone yet?
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-H25MPIEhxWc/UP5asS9oldI/AAAAAAAABSU/U2o_XMx6shU/s1600/kevin_flying.gif
Do “hopes and dreams” count as people?
Well its raining down here in the holy land of North Texas so Direct TV is out which means one thing… That goddamn Hillary better do some more splainin’ tomorrow.
So help me Lucifer if I find out the reason Wilson kneels in the huddle is some kind of God shit I will beat him with a sack full of bibles.
#Nanobibles
I like this a lot.
Muy bueno
Unfortunately, Russell Wilson is the only person in his current relationship with extensive experience with sacks.
One thing that Russell Wilson liked about baseball was that if you only got to second base it was still considered a good job.
Good thing the BanditKoala is the designated driver.
How’d that happened?
If Darrell Bevell starts his conservative run-run-pass-punt bullshit, TheBuccaneerGrizzly is gon drank CHUH CHUH.
Hour in, the mrs. is still at the condo board meeting, most likely wanting to kill herself. Me? I have had a bottle of wine, smoked a bowl and enjoyed myself.
Yeah, that shit is fucking unbearable.
Was it 2 litres of wine?
JUST GIVE HIM A LITRE OF WINE
Seriously Condo Associations are the fucking worse.
I had to strip and paint my parents condo decks twice and even then, they threatened to fine my folks because the new color didn’t match the sun bleached color of the neighbors.
Oh and the fucking paint I had to use…I had to special order it by the tiny little bottle. I fucking filled my goddamn truck bed with tiny metal bottles.
Fuck Condo Associations.
This is the second time I’ve really watched Jared Goff play, and I have no fucking idea what the NFL scouts could possibly see in this asshole.
Leg whip? Nay, nay.
do the leg whip, do the nay nay
Chip Kelly should watch that replay and notice how important good offensive linemen are to a running game.
So should Ryan Grigson
“Asked if he talked to his players about finishing, he said no and that he just handed out Lyndon LaRouche filers to the players”