Hippo Thoughts – Week 13

Oh wow, that was glorious. Week 13 reminded us why we love this shit, warts and all. Exciting games, comebacks, REALLY unexpected stuff, back and forth contests, and sweet sweet P*ts Schadenfreude. If you missed it for non-juju related reasons (hat tip to Moonbatting Average) you should feel really bad.

And remember, the week already started with a Thursday night game that ended on a successful untimed down Hail Mary. Just fucking bonkers.

You may recall from last week, we left the Rams for dead. And they fucking stayed dead. Despite a very sluggish start, Arizona cruised to a 27-3 victory. David Johnson scored through the air, and former practice squadder Kerwynn Williams did so on the ground (leading Scott Hansen to make an awful pun that I shan’t repeat).

The Browns? Also very much still dead. Cincy’s field trip to the Factory couldn’t have been more enjoyable, as only a very sad 2-minute drill before the half averted the shutout in a 37-3 pasting.

Similarly, Denver went on the road and let its defense do the talking (and half the touchdowning) in a dull 17-3 win over the lifeless Chargers. However, an Osweiler pickerception and McManus badly shanked FG (albeit from 52 yards) did not make the author happy as the playoffs loom. As things stand, the #1 seed would be on the line when the Bungles invade Mile High in Week 16’s MNF matchup. EXCITING!

YES, that means Dreamboat actually went down in flames to Chip Kelly’s dumpster fire at home. Injuries? Cry me a fucking river. It’s the goddamned Iggles. 2 special teams scores and a 100+ yard pick-6 helped build a 35-14 lead. But whatever blood moon must be in Jupiter’s alignment (or other weirdo shit I don’t understand) produced a quick score, onsides kick recovery, and score, pulling Satan’s Team within 7 at the 3 minute mark…with 2 timeouts remaining. But America’s favourite nagger fighter saved the day, first swatting onside redux out of bounds, then making a nifty catch on 3rd and 13. But Chip being Chip, he kept handing the ball to untested Oregon alum Kenjon Barner, who fumbled on the next 3rd down (with the P*ts out of timeouts), so instead of 20-25 seconds, Dreamboat had over a minute and thusly a ghost of a chance.

BUT DARKEST TIMELINE DID NAWT HAPPEN. Oh, delicious Masshole tears. MOAR PLEAZ!!!

Back to the NFC, perhaps the game of the day was Panthers/Saints. N’Awlins ran out to a 14-zip lead, and Cam looked kinda shitty. Then Cam got untracked, and it looked like it would be a runaway for the Panthers. Then, Ted Ginn got involved, and Breesus was risen. Back and forth the entire last 20 minutes or so. A fantastic 4th down conversion right at the 2-minute warning (both the scramble by Cam to keep the play alive and the catch by Greg Olsen) turned the game for good, with Newton lasering the winning score to an old man with an Old Testament (Chanukah! Topical!!) name. 41-38 is your final, my condolences if you started either defense.

The New Jersey teams played a pretty entertaining (if derpy) game in the early window as well, with the J-E-T-S overcoming lots and lots of early Jetsing to win in overtime, 23-20. It’s a shame that Coughlin for once did the mathematically correct thing by going for a 4th and 2 near the goal line in the 4th quarter (making it ends the game, and the Jets would have been more aggresive in going for the TD if they had been down 13 when they kicked the short FG at the 5-6 minute mark, so I disagree that the G-Men would have likely won had he taken the points), only to have Elisha throw a pick and have the decision surely criticized in the NY press. The end result is the Jets look mighty good for an AFC wild card (along with the Chefs and Stillers, but only 2 ducats are available) and the Giants are getting pretty close to fucked in the NFC East (grading on a curve will only stretch so far).

Operation Falcons Implosion is now complete with their shittastic loss in Tampa. As a result, Carolina clinched the division before taking the field.

Speaking of implosion, the Vikings shat themselves again at home against a comparable NFC opponent (see also the Green Bay tilt). 38-7 is just fucking embarrassing, especially when the 7 is on a kickoff return. I was ready to give you a pass for the first one, Minny, but this is looking like a trend.

Even the meaningless games were pretty awesome today. Allen Robinson? Have yourself a day. Still, Team of Destiny lost the game and its moniker in Nashville, 42-39. Many extra points went awry. Marcus Mariota also had like an 87-yard RUSHING touchdown. I don’t know whether to be mre impressed with him, or sad for the Jaguras’ defense.

Bears and 49ers? Also pretty great! Bears score late. THE FLOW counters with a magnificent rushing TD. But too fast, and Chicago is in position for a medium range game winning FG for the normally reliable Robbie Gould. SHANK. Catler does squat with his OT possession, and THE FLOW has seen enough of this noise, launching a deep bomb for the winner. Just hilarious shit. As I noted in the RiveBrog, Tomsula will eat dinner at Denny’s tonight AND not wash dishes in the back afterwards.

I wouldn’t exactly call Ratbirds/Fins great, but it was kinda/sorta interesting at the end. Of course, Schaub threw a pick-6, which I am just gonna start calling a Schaub. DeVante Parker caught a TD, for all you brave souls (like ME!) who started him. Balmer’s kicker missed the 55-yarder that woulda won it.

Buffalo beat Houston 30-21. I honestly noticed nothing about this game.

Derek Carr morphed into big brother in the second half, and in so doing, the Raiders’ season is essentially over. Kansas City gets its 6th win in a row. This game featured THREE consecutive missed extra points. Neither weather nor field conditions were a factor. JEEBUS.

In the nightcap, The Ben found his footing about midway through the 2nd quarter and an ass-whipping quickly ensued. I will assume it continued (despite last week’s glorious surprise) after crashing at 28-10.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am watching Doctor Who. Jenna Coleman gif

comment image

Is Maisie Williams old enough I don’t have to feel like an absolute creep for loving her work and having a mild crush on her?

ballsofsteelandfury

/checks Wikipedia

Age 18!

Feel free to fap without shame.

Sill Bimmons
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I still am feeling hungover as hell because all I consumed yesterday was booze. Isla Fisher gif

http://rs111.pbsrc.com/albums/n131/Nicnever/00%20I/Isla%20Fisher/IslaFisher-WeddingDaze720-aaa007.gif~c200

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Let’s try again with a similar one

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“At least the Chargers didn’t lose to the Jags last week…” – Optimist Chargers Fan

Old School Zero

We have to enjoy our last win of the season as long as we can.

Lothar of the Hill People

I need to rant.

49ers-Bears: the 49ers punt, and a SF gunner bats the ball back to the 1 before it can touch the endzone. Bears player attempts recovery, 49ers players go batshit trying to get the ball, end up knocking it out of the endzone. Touchback, ball belongs to Bears. Announcers lose their shit, saying how lucky the Bears are the 49ers didn’t recover in the endzone for a TD.

I’m screaming at the TV. DON’T YOU SHITHEADS KNOW THIS MOST SIMPLE OF NFL RULES? The Bears players obviously do, which is why the returner attempted to grab the ball. The 49ers players either didn’t know the rule, or forgot, or something. The announcers have. No. Fucking. Excuse. for not knowing this rule. And obviously, when they first got Mike Periera (however you spell his name) on, they didn’t tell him the situation, because they got him on a few minutes later and he said what I and every other person with half a brain cell and a passing knowledge of the SAME FUCKING RULE IN HIGH SCHOOL, NCAA, AND THE PROS: once a punt is touched by the kicking team, the absolute worst-case scenario for the receiving team is that they get possession where the ‘illegal touch’ happened.

The Bears could have grabbed the ball, returned it to the SF 1 yard line, then fumbled it, and SF could’ve returned that fumble for a TD, then Blaine Gabbert could’ve eaten the ball and shit it onto Mike Tomusula’s shoes, and the Bears would get the (un-eaten and un-shat) ball wherever the original SF player touched it. An ‘illegal touch’ means the receiving team gets the best possible outcome between the spot where the ball is touched and the result of the return. Period. So as soon as that SF player touched the ball, it became impossible for SF to benefit from ANY Bears derping.

I played specials and was on the punt-return squad in high school and college, and this rule came up more than several times for me. Once, on a particularly long punt, the punting team had like 4-5 guys surrounding the ball as it rolled down around the 10. One guy batted it with his hand on a bounce, and so I busted into their ring and grabbed the ball. They fucking mauled me, and I ended up fumbling the ball out of bounds around the 2. As we returned to the field, one guy says to me, “You got lucky on that one, asshole.” As the ref walked the ball back to the 10, I replied to the guy, “No, I just know the rules, asshole.”

I wish someone would tell the stupid fucking announcers about this rule. Smart teams/players take advantage of it, and EVERY. FUCKING. TIME. the announcers open their stupid yaps and say, “That was a risky play by [return team player]. High-risk play, there. He’s lucky it worked out.” Or something similar. But according to rules at every fucking level, it’s a no-risk play for the return team.

blaxabbath

Hey everybody! Look at Mr Badass “I Played Ball In College” over here!

Lothar of the Hill People

Div II, so yeah, I’m a badass. We had playoffs long before it was cool.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I see this exact scenario (ball is touched by kicking team; astute player from return team tries to make a play) happen about once a month and it drives me GODDAMNED CRAZY!

Beerguyrob

“Mike Zimmer on line 2, Mr. Lothar.”

Sill Bimmons

Nice long-former here about spending a month with the Cowboys.

The freude as runs wide and deep as the dysfunction:

http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/14285304/without-tony-romo-dallas-cowboys-just-lose-crazy

Sill Bimmons

Go here to support the only US soccer team that matters, the USWNT, in their strike against being forced to play on an unsafe pitch:

http://www.theplayerstribune.com/uswnt-match-canceled-field-conditions/

They deserve so much better than this.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Wow, that’s some bullshit.

blaxabbath

Pfff….I gotta play our rec league small goal final on Thursday night on a field that is basically dirt. That’s because I love the game. The USWNT is just about the money — always have been, always will be.

(No, not serious — well, I am about the final but our field is super nice actually #fuckyo’droughtCA)

Beerguyrob

I guess they weren’t #UpForWhatever.

WCS

The same stadium hosts the Hawaii Bowl on Christmas Eve. Ring in the holidays buy watching unpaid athletes potentially severe injuries!

jjfozz

Parenting quandary:
When your 11 year old son (who won $300 in a fantasy league where you went 3-8) says, “This Ravens team is for shit.”

Do you:
A. Discipline him in retaliation for winning $300
B. Agree with him in a very subtle way
C. Say, “Fuckin’ A” followed by “Don’t tell mom I said that.”
D. Buy him a beer.

blaxabbath

E. Ray Lewis

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

F. Adrian Peterson

Don T

Make him pay the electricity bill with those $300. And be liberal with the use of “ungrateful” and “uppity” while explaining it to him. Builds character and power is fun when wielding it arbitrarily.

Beerguyrob

G. Take him to the nearest table and let him try it the big boy way.

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Duchess

I’d punish him for cursing wrong. If he’s going to cuss he better fucking learn how to use the terms correctly.

Sill Bimmons

Seriously.

The “for” there is just so unnecessary.

The extra beat it adds ruins the whole thing!

jjfozz

I have to step up my game when it comes to cursing around my kids. That “for shit” turn of phrase is one of my contributions to his education.

entropy

Maybe it’s a mission statement?

“Hi, we’re the 2015 Baltimore Ravens, and we are most definitely pro-shit. We are all for shit here at Ravens HQ, and you pissdrizzles ought to be, too.

“This Ravens team…. is for shit.”

jjfozz

This comment makes me sad and happy at the same time.

Duchess

Also if they were poorly paid then you can say “These Raven’s play for shit”

Lothar of the Hill People

I. Go all Roger Goodell on his ass and ground him for 4 months for swearing, then when he appeals, reduce it to 1 hour and a $100 fine. Unless his socks don’t match, in which case it’s 1 week and $200, no appeal.

Duchess

Cut him for not following team rules then collude with other families to make sure no one picks him up. Then once he clears waivers sign him for a reduced allowance and a stronger code of conduct.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

To steal Enrico’s concept, should we now start referring to the 49ers as “San FranciscFLOW” or “San FLOWcisco”. Personally I like the latter.

Bloody Lethal

Going with Flowcisco definitely.

Beerguyrob

So…no chance of FLOWrty Niners?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

RIP San F7anci7co

Don T

Damn right it was a helluva football week. 3-9 and alive for the playoffs baby! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_81Lx8f0s2k

It was reported Sunday that Bon Jovi wants to buy the Titans. Per paragraph 4: “Bon Jovi hasn’t confirmed any interest in purchasing the Titans, but the Adams family has denied that the team will be on the market.” When reached for further comment, one source stated “Ask again later”, and the other replied “Yes 7 Goodbye”.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I’ve still got my Bills “Death Before Bon Jovi” t-shirt if you want it

ballsofsteelandfury

I thought it was a “I banged in the Bills parking lot and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I can’t see what’s deadly about having the Addams family own your team.

Bloody Lethal

O hey guys!

/remembers hearing JETS chants in our home stadium
//contemplates suicide

Enrico Pallazzo

IMO it should be renamed ChicaFLOW. Count it.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Bills-Texans: Sammy Watkins is a beast, Tyrod Taylor might be The Answer, Deandre Hopkins is a spectacular catch/heartbreaking drop yin-yang, and Bill O’Brien is still a douche. Oh, and Brian Hoyer still looks like a giant penis.

Duchess

The Team fo Destiny is funny because in the video game Destiny there is a group of people named Dead Orbit.

blaxabbath

Also, Janoris Jenkins going through the concussion protocol twice yesterday for hits sustained from his teammates (both of which whiffed on taking out the offensive players, so were not true Taylor Mayeses) pretty much sums up the Rams season. Especially after, in the last year of his contract, Jenkins is “betting on himself.”

Lothar of the Hill People

I had to read your comment twice before I figured out who you were talking about, because the Bears have Jarvis Jenkins and he plays like he’s been concussed several times a game.

blaxabbath

Vikings: Wheat: Chaff

Doktor Zymm

Despite falling asleep and missing the late game, yesterday was indeed an excellent day of footballing. I have this new thing where I’m trying to go to sleep early enough to actually get enough sleep while still waking up at stupid o’ clock each morning, and I did fantastic yesterday. Tonight will be a test though. I may watch the second half in bed on my phone. Let’s go .500!

If the Cowboys do somehow win tonight, there will be a three way tie for 1st in the NFC East, with head-to-head giving a ranking of WAS-PHI-NYG. There is still another WAS/PHI game and another PHI/NYG game in the season. If things go a particular way, it is possible there will be a three-way 7-9 tie atop the NFC East at the end of the season.

Doktor Zymm

It could actually be a 4 way tie if the Cowboys win all the rest of their games except one of the WAS games, but I’m not really considering this to be realistic.

Senor Weaselo

Go clusterfuck go?

blaxabbath

An NFC East Threeway would be the title of a homoerotic film starring three down syndrome characters.

WhyEaglesWhy

Top notch, top notch! Would you like a Fresca?

Sadly, since the late games come on at 7:30am here, I saw only the first quarter of glorious Patsenfraude before trudging off to work. But Lady WEW is at the Taylor Swift show with her niece and I am enjoying the game now with a cold beverage and no interruptions. Life is good sometimes.

montythisseemsstrangetome

Are you from the future?!?

ballsofsteelandfury

Yes, yes he is.

Duchess

opposite he’s in the Australian past

scotchnaut

Lovely summary for those who passed out much, much earlier.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Agreed. Very helpful for those of us who were ceremonially occupied.