![[DOOR FLIES OPEN]](https://doorfliesopen.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/DFO-MC-Patch.png)
I hope that in the future the words ‘ironic’ and ‘erotic’ become synonyms. I’d always assumed that the movie One Million Years BC was a documentary. Sorry for over-sharing. Look, things are a bit relaxed these days so I thought I’d just toss this into the ether. Observations, complaints, gifs, humblebrags, anecdotes, callouts…everything is welcome. Afternoon sports-wise we’ve got Tulane/Memphis, Temple/Cincy and Liberty/Notre Dame (ND is always good for a hate-watch) in college ball, California/Air Force in the Armed Forces Bowl and Leicester City/Man City in other football. I’m sure there’s some other things out there but like I said, there’s only so much energy I’m going to expend today. We may have an evening open threader later but for now [points to the assembled commentariat] TAKE IT AWAY, PEOPLE!
A Day Time Open Thread? A Day Time Open Thread
There’s an Air Force Falcon named Timothy McVey. He just blew through the Cal defense.
Good thing they’re not up against Oklahoma.
I see what you did there.
And I like it.
I’ll see you both in Hell. I’ll buy the first round.
LOL. Your comment popped up just as I was about to type….
Just like in ’95 OKC…there is no defense in this game.
Waiting on $130 worth of chinese food. Don’t judge me-my wife already has.
/my boys are hungry beasts!
Two words…
Holy. Shit.
A little from column A, a little from column B, all of Column C.
Gimme erreven numma errevens, folty egg rorrs.
Maybe they just gotta pay a premium bcuz…great white north and shit….?
They deriver on dog sred?
That was not the sled dog joke I was expecting.
LMFAO
When I was in college I ended up once eating probably about $50 worth of Chinese by myself at like 4:30 in the morning once after a long night of drinking. I woke up amidst this spread of empty trays in utter confusion; roommates said I’d fallen asleep basically immediately after finishing the last bite.
Oh, men. MEN. The shits after that. I had newfound respect for childbirth.
Hello Gatorade. Have I told you how much I love you?
Don’t fall for Gatorade… has been with a LOT of men.
Yellow?
Alright…I swear to god this Air Force/Cal game has had six 3rd quarters at this point…
They need to figure something out besides giving every goddamn 6 win team a fucking bowl game…
Like this!
Whatever it is…it should be a sport, currently on TV right now…
I’d watch.
Not sure how I feel about this…
Depends. Do you have any walnuts that need shelling?
Also depends upon what she’s willing to do with them.
She has to have a two-way air valve in there for this to be happening. I refuse to accept any other explanation.
Just cause…
Female gymnasts are like Menudo, in that Ricky Martin has attempted to fuck both.
I was never huge into Seinfield…but the episode where Jerry dates the gymnast just to get sex and it turns out terrible…and before he can break up with her, she breaks up with him because in Romania, comedians are expected to be brilliant at sex and he sucks at it…
THAT was fucking brilliant comedy…
I remember Dominique Moceanu’s sister was born legless and her parents basically went, “Well you’re defective and will never be a gymnast… someone can adopt you.”
And Bela Karoyli and his wife are assholes.
I…don’t…remember….that episode…
Seinfeld….the dark episodes.
I just hope she won. That is fucking insane.
Just incredible.
And not only that, she’s also got amazing balance on that thing, too.
Cincy/Temple basketball game (ESPN2), two teams I normally try to avoid, ain’t half bad.
Please don’t call my office and say things like “I don’t think you really want to help me.” It will always end up being true.
Gimme your office number and I’ll call up and say some… other… things than that.
I think I’ve given you quite enough of my contact information already.
Oh come on. I have a time travelling asshole roommate/future self issue I need legal help with.
We don’t handle cases in Oregon or the future.
Also, if the opposing party is your future self it’s a conflict of interest.
I don’t think you really want to help me.
You know what, Martinelli’s is a pretty sweet sober up beverage.
I had successfully survived 2 hours without visiting the vomitorium and had begun to wonder if maybe I could consume some sort of sustenance to quiet my growling stomach and begun to mentally picture what type of food I could handle.
The “Hasn’t spewed in___ hours” clock has now been reset to 0.
These two posts /\ \/ back to back…
Excellent call on not going to grocery store. Picked up enough Mexican take out to last the next two days. Starting with this…
http://s3-media1.fl.yelpcdn.com/bphoto/oJ756SddZ0MYMPkCaUX4gw/o.jpg
Arroz con Pollo…
Well that looks delicious
At least your poops will look like a traffic light. Arriba!
I will never joke around with my mechanic when my car is at the shop…fucking NEVER…
Of all the ways in life you can go, this one has to be near the top of the list of the most horrifically painful, I’m pretty sure.
India is really weird.
So, back in grad school I got talked into a “study abroad” trip that amounted to basically a two-and-a-half-week vacation in India. For New Year’s Eve, we were in Goa.
For those unfamiliar, Goa was the origin of the hippie movement. The reputation of the local white folk is that they’re all into drugs and free love.
So here we are, about two dozen American on the beach with a shit ton of high out of their mind Indian dude who decide they’re going to get grabby with every woman in our group. We had to physically surround them and get them off the beach because we were legitimate scared a gang rape could break out.
Had we all been willing to pay a $40 cover, we could have gotten into a fenced-in beach bar area where we could have gotten hammer… and been stared at by the beady eyes of hundreds of Indian dudes surrounding the fence just standing there. All night.
So yeah, India is pretty weird.
I was doing a steel mill job about a 9 hour bus ride inland of Goa.
The mill was brand new. As such they did not install toilets or any sort of waste management during construction.
These are main mill stands…
and they are fucking huge. Well due to the forces involved, to keep them from ripping apart, they go into the ground as high as they go into the air. So basically each one of these things had a 20 ft concrete pit they were supposed to be placed in. The stands weren’t there yet…so we had open pits for the first year we were doing construction…where do you think we had to use the toilet at?
Yup…you had to lean over the side of a 20 foot pit and shit. That along with having to be locked in every night due to the local insurgent group and me having a very bad reaction to knock off anti-malaria meds made for a rough time.
I miss the food though…and I honestly got along great with the locals.
Ah yes… the pit toilets. I didn’t partake, unfortunately. I was afraid I’d shit all over my only pair of shoes somehow.
And aside from the rapeyness of Goa, the locals were fine too. I was actually worried at how cavalier some of the girls were going out by themselves, but we didn’t have any problems in the country except that night in Goa.
Yeah culturally…its weird. I’ve had a number of issues working in India and other places like the Middle East due to cultural things…like being left hand dominate or accidentally showing the bottom of my feet.
I will never get used to how in India, there is zero concept of personal space.
“No Nagarash…we are just crossing the street…I am not fucking holding your hand”…
Contrarian Opinion Ahoy-
Is anyone else sick to death/was never much interested in the Zombie Entertainment Complex? I just don’t understand the appeal of Walking Dead, World War Z, Night of the Living Dead, etc. Sure I’m mystified by many other pop cultural juggernauts but this one sticks in my craw.
/goes back to watching Alien vs. Predator:Requiem
I was never into it. Post-apocalyptic fiction is fun, but this particular genre never interested me all that much.
That being said, the book World War Z is actually an interesting take on the genre worth reading.
Apocalyptic fiction is one of my favorites.
I’m a Walking Dead fan, but I DVR the entire season and watch it when I get around to it.
Yeah, zombies are so played.
I’m more of a Creature From the Black Lagoon fan. We need more media based on a psychotic, multi-finned, man-frog.
I do enjoy it if it’s done well, but mostly it’s my enjoyment of the psychology involved in the breakdown of society in general. ie, confirmation bias re: people suck.
Generally speaking though, with few exceptions, I don’t do the traditional vampires. That being said, I did get kinda sucked into The Strain, which again is really more of a ‘watch the idiots react to adversity’ thing. And it’s quickly losing its appeal anyway now that Mia Maestro and Lizzie Brochere have gone buh bye.
Everything I heard about The Strain was that the first few episodes were good at nabbing your attention but that everything after that stretches the limits of believably too far.
I would not disagree with that assessment at all.
I’ve never seen any zombie-related shows or movies.
I never really cared much for it all. Never watched/read any of the books/movies/shows in that vein.
That said, I do have a bit of a soft spot for playing Nazi Zombies on Call of Duty. That shit is pretty fun, especially after a few drinks.
I like Shawn of the Dead and 28 Days Later, but that’s about as enthusiastic as I can be. Though Justin Cronin’s “The Passage” series on quasi-vampires is pretty good.
Shawn of the Dead was freaking hilarious.
I liked World War Z the book but the movie was just not good. Not a big fan of TWD. My daughter just started binge-watching something called “I Zombie” which has a cute zombie chick who works in a morgue and solves crimes by eating victims brains and ingesting their memories.
It’s certainly original I’ll give them that.
It’s weird, my wife has called 2x to ask, “When are you coming home?”
And I’m not drunk at a shithole bar eating food that is bad for me. I’m at work.
And I’m wearing pants.
That craigslist assassin must charge by the hour.
“T-R-U-S-T. Find Out What It Means To Me.”
-Mrs. JJfozz
Sounds like someone’s getting a surprise party tonight!
So I hear some of you folks are having rough weather….
http://i.imgur.com/7jbuE7T.gifv
Y’all still alive? Commenting via car battery power?
Hanging in there. Dug one lady in a jeep out of the snow outside my house so far. Just glad I did groceries and beer yesterday.
We lost power twice in the last 12 hours thanks to some drunk who took out a power line last night.
I am legitimately disappointed he lived. Call a cab fuckwit.
Okay, yeah I was drunk, but I wasn’t driving, I was walking, and I just happened to get tangled up in the power lines after I climbed up the pole.
I ask the Commentariate…do I go out and get groceries….or do I just go to the taco place in the old abandoned gas station behind my place.
Pertinent information- I live on the 5th floor and the elevator is out again.
Taco place has amazing enchiladas.
I’m torn because I am really just putting off the inevitable as I am literally out of everything but toothpaste and beer…for some reason I stocked up on beer before I went home for the holidays.
Hit the grocery store AND get some enchiladas as a reward.
Enchaladas. You already are out of the car, and an enchalada is infinitely easier to carry up 5 flights of stairs than a shit ton of groceries.
Marry the enchiladas, fuck the store, kill the beer.
/sorry…was reading thru earlier comments and got confused.
Yet it still brilliantly works in my situation…
I second OSZ’s suggestion although I must warn you that there’s a chance his account was jacked by New School Zero and he just wants you out a longer period of time so he can break into your place, steal your beer and soil your couch.
My neighbour just got me to come help him dig out a lady who managed to get stuck in the snow outside the house while driving her Jeep.
How in the fuck do you manage to get stuck in a Wrangler when you have FOUR WHEEL FUCKING DRIVE???
That’s a mighty fine piece of humanitarianism.
Have a drink, your work here is finished.
You know perfectly well I’ve already opened a beer. Thank you, kind sir.
I’ll just leave this here: https://twitter.com/evepeyser/status/681872562473840640
Dear fucking god…I am finally done the drive back to my apartment. I had to stop three times because my legs were going numb.
Fucking seriously…spina bifida is a goddamn bitch. Here is how bad it can get…when I was 14, I accidentally broke my femur and didn’t realize it for a month. So I had to get that shit rebroken, pins put in, and I nearly lost my leg.
I always get enraged when I see videos of people doing stupid shit that fucks up their back like skateboarding off their parents’ house. YOU ONLY GET ONE BACK YOU BASTARDS!!!!
Goddamn. You take care of yourself, then. My back’s been hurting a little lately, but, shit, I have nothing to complain about here.
yeah, between JSD’s back and yeah right’s knees, I really am gonna have to stop with my bitching.
/at least HERE
Honestly, its not as bad as it could be. I can’t sit…okay lean painfully to one side, in a pity party. I was suppose to make it past 12. I’ve led a pretty full life to my mid thirties.
I laugh though when my family gives me shit for trying to work overtime and double time, skipping holidays and shit overseas. I mean I literally have to make as much money as possible for the time when I cannot function anymore.
I have expensive tastes that disability ain’t gonna be able to cover…
[resolves to stop complaining about that one toenail that grows so much faster than the other ones]
I’m still gonna complain about losing power for 2 hours in the middle of the day.
Because I’m an asshole with no sense of scale you see.
This Mysterious Island is more like SMGH Island. Jules Verne sucks balls.
MST3K gots nothin’ on our scotchy
You’re 2 kind.
Covalent is probably throwing things at the wall right about now.
I’m hoping she’s actually in a Mexicali cantina watching this and getting progressively drunker until she stabs two gringos and the Mexicans tell the cops they didn’t see nothing.
Hi Captain Nemo out of the blue!
I just watched a coworker microwave a steak.
Note that I did not say ‘reheat a steak in the microwave’ because that would be inaccurate. He microwaved his steak to cook it.
Even though there was a toaster oven right there with a broiler setting. He used it to heat up his pretzel rolls. Not to cook his steak, but to warm up his bread. No, he used the microwave to cook his steak.
Fuck. I feel like Chef from Apocalypse Now talking about military cooking school.
Most people have terrible fucking taste.
WTF is wrong with people?
EVERYTHING
People have ended up at The Hague for less than this.
Oh, so the office sous vide machine is broken and someone has to improvise? I applaud his creativity.
THE HELP TOOK THE DAY OFF, THOSE FUCKERS
THE WORKPLACE AT BERKSHIRE HATHAWAY HEADQUARTERS CONTINUES TO DETERIORATE. UNION! UNION! UNION!
I didn’t even think that was POSSIBLE, let alone ADVISABLE. I can;t even imagine the smell of that.
It was… odd. And he would wipe down the interior of the microwave between each heating, with all the grease splatter. Just… no.
*Each* heating?
Christ. I’d be so pissed if I were waiting to heat something knowing that was happening.
It took all I had not to intervene. Luckily there was another microwave open for me to use on my leftover stew.
THIS STEAK I CALL THE BEN’S HARF HARF PENIS BECAUSE IT WAS GREY AND DISGUSTING AND ANY RATIONAL PERSON WOULD SAY NO TO IT!
I’d sayyyy kill him? Yea kill him.
at least gather others from surrounding offices to witness the occasion.
I just polled the people in my control room and now I’ll pass the question on to you:
Marry, Fuck, Kill:
Julie Chen, Meredith Viera, or Julianne Moore
I don’t know the first 2 so I’ll marry Moore.
M Julianne Moore, F Julie Chen, K Viera
Marry Moore, fuck Chen, kill Viera.
Yeah, this one’s a no-brainer.
Agreed. There’s only one answer here.
Up top !
Back when I worked in TV, a female coworker absolutely *hated* Julie Chen on CBS’s morning show.
And yes, I’d have probably fucked her.
The co-worker or Julie Chen?
Apparently, I fell asleep from earlier. GO ZOOMIES
http://cdn1.bloguin.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/68/2013/05/air-force-logo.jpg
Did you make a side bet with Covalent Blonde?
Here’s a good listen for today.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gypBEmz2nk
I’m sitting here a little broken up knowing that Coughlin will probably get fired. Even more broken up at who the hell we’ll get instead…
Imagine Yinzers rooting for a bunch of SCHIANO MEN out there. I have an erection just thinking about the radio call-ins.
Don’t you think it’s time?
Yea but there was also a time for me to get punched in the nuts the first time for a multitude of reasons, but it didn’t make the hit any easier to stomach.
That’s my most apt analogy.
As long as it’s not Ray Handley Jr…..
Magically-appearing futuristic submarine is found? Check.
Dog whistle out in FORCE this afternoon on Yinzer sports talk. The troglodytes couldn’t air their grievances about Sunday’s loss yesterday, because Pitt had their annual bowl loss.
Caller: “Tomlin needs to go. Ben’s the right man for this team, it’s Tomlin that’s the problem.”
Host: “[name], did Tomlin throw those picks? How was that his fault?”
Caller: “Doesn’t matter. These Tomlin apologists, like you, don’t get it. Him and his kind are the problem.”
Host: “Okay.” [hangs up]
“Take our country back” = “Take our Steelers’ head coaching job back”
I’d imagine that this is more fun to listen to down in Charlotte where a certain segment of that fan base is grasping frantically at anything to hate Cam Newton.
The areas surrounding Yinzburgh are significantly more racialist than the areas surrounding Charlotte.
Damn the library, I checked out 11/22/63 before the holidays and it’s due back by the 7th. I’m only halfway through the damn thing. They need to reevaluate their check out duration system. I had the same thing happen with Game of Thrones (on CD) — everyone is waiting so you just get it for the standard two weeks and don’t finish it.
Similarly, they let you keep movie dvds for two weeks when one week is plenty for a two-hour groaner. I saw they had Trainwreck as a ‘recommended’ and now it has 228 holds. If everyone went 2 weeks, that’s over 8 years of check outs!
Yes, I get that a lot of this is silly as I could get the e-reader version of most books or just buy the copy if I need it so bad.
Library? You goddamn socialist.
I mean that in the nicest way.
Just rip the library DVDs to your computer to watch later. My parents did that for years. I mean, it’s your tax dollars at work here, so what’s the issue, really?
It’s spelled “libary” dumass.
OMG. Bees the size of Terrell Owens ego!
I am envious of that banner cat. Banner cat looks like he’s having a hell of a time.
Baby dinosaur 3 o’clock!
This movie (made in 1961) is very progressive for its time-we’re an hour in and the token black guy hasn’t died yet.
Digsafe assholes. Use it. Stop making me work!
What the hell am I doing at work right now? I’m just screwing around on Twitter anyway. I should be fired.
The American economy would collapse if we all started doing work at work. I’m pretty sure of it.
I’ve been telling your HR Director the same thing for months, but she won’t listen when I yell outside her bedroom window. Even if I wear pants.
I could have told you that doesn’t work.
Try making it swing in a circle, she perked right up after I did that
Whenever I hear the common refrain of “the government would be run better as a business!” I think about how much time I spend hate-refreshing Gawker and laugh.
No joke, I was way more conscientious when I worked for the government.
I lost all faith in the idea of the efficiency of private enterprise when I was allowed to get a second $25 scotch and the tab was left open for another coworker as I staggered through Midtown back to my company-paid hotel.
The not-getting-fired thing is one of the best examples of ordinary privilege I can think of. It kind of sums up my whole career.
I’m surprised at some of the scheduling for Bowl games. Why isn’t the UNC-Baylor bowl on later today and why is it on a Tuesday? Also why are the National Championship playoffs on New Year’s Eve. Personally, I’m not doing anything special but they had last year’s playoffs on New Year’s Day. Seems odd they would play these before the non-playoff major bowls.
They never change the scheduling once the matchups are set. And the ACC selection process is always really weird, so you can NEVER count on a good matchup from it.
ALSO, FUCK CAROLINA.
They’re building a community!
If there’s any rape going on, it’s happening off-camera and the women are remarkably composed afterwards.
Just heard the vegan who sits across from me tell his coworker – in the whiniest/snottiest voice on the planet – why he couldn’t eat at several restaurants that were suggested.
I wanted to shove a fucking steak down his throat, followed by a funnel full of chili and gravy.
Chugging chili sounds great right now.
Con: Working today
Pro: I work from home, and the TV is nearby, and I’m not that busy, and I have no particular moral code keeping me from watching bowl games while I work.
Also, seeing the weather reports around the country reminds me again not to complain that it’s only about 50-something degrees today.
I think humans should come equipped with a “hibernation mode”. Set the timer for 24 hours or so and wake up and try again tomorrow.
We have that already. It’s called clinical depression, unfortunately.
The problem is I just stare at the wall, I can’t remain in dreamland.
I really just need sleep to help with flu recovery and if these past 7 hours are any indication I’m not going to like these next 24.
If it could get me through these next 24 hours I might try it on a one time basis.
Female(s) Sighting! How will the alpha males react?
Car’s headlights aren’t working today and I’m totally snowed in here. Got some World Junior hockey on. My ladyfriend may come over after she finishes work, but I’m not counting on it. If she does, great, and if not, there’s bowl games to be watched. So all in all, not a bad outcome really!
I got snowed in meself today-sideroads were ridiculously greasy.
Sideroads, main roads, all roads, really. I feel like a lot of plowing departments now are basically going “fuck it, we’ll wait til it finishes” before going out there. Just glad I had time to stock up on the essentials (read: alcohol and toilet paper) yesterday.
I can tell you that the usual practice now is to salt the roads before a storm, clear the main arteries for the work-goers and then wait for the weather to pass.
Oh, this is gonna be one of those Harryhausen thingies!
Giant crab into geyser = food for quite some time.
Mysterious Island is on TCM.
I think they end up beating off various beasts.
No women on this island…yet.
Careful. That’s how Warren Sapp got arrested for solicitation.
The book is better!
/gets hit with door on his way out
My day needs less work.
Hear, hear. Work is for suckers (full disclosure: I am a sucker).
as they say “do what you love and you will soon go broke because nobody cares about that shit anyways”
My philosophy is ‘do something that doesn’t annoy you too much and pays you well enough to get by’. That ratio is important; no amount of money is enough to work a soul-killing job.
Christ, have I learned that lesson.
Guess who got an unscheduled day off?
My flu-riddled ass that’s who.
It’s every disgusting thing you always hated with the flu too.
My bathroom would fit in perfectly at a Haitian refugee camp right now.
Damn. Feel better, and soon.
Thanks. If I could bring myself to crawl downstairs I would try some Gatorade but right now I’m just taking sips of water right out of the bathroom faucet like a vagrant.
God, every joint and muscle is singing soprano right now.
Happy Holidays!
I am at work. And it is so damn quiet, I might stay here for the rest of the week.
My children belong in a zoo, in a nice cage with plenty of straw, a few rubber tires to swing from, huge bowl of kibble, and maybe one or two Nerf guns.
Does anyone say “Apropos of” anything other than “nothing”? Seems like a waste of top-shelf pedantry.
I liked how Brock Osweiler gave less than zero fucks about whatever Old Man Gruden was telling him in that clip last night.
I really like Osweiler. I’m glad he is forcing Peyton into retirement.
I am warming to him in spite of myself (and my earlier impressions of his meh ability).
I’ll like him a lot more if he forces out Peyton and then is just terrible starting Week 1 of next year.
That’s a wonderful picture and perfectly captures my attitude today. It’s nice to be off work for a bit.
I’m the last guy to post cat pics but that one stood out.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not all at once!
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