So much sadness – the regular season comes to an end. The playoffs remain, sure. But the onsalught for the senses of a full slate of games…that is the essence of the NFL, what keeps us drooling on the couch like Mongoloids. Wait, can one still say Mongoloids? Oh well, I just fucking did. I’m really fucking exhausted and a little drunk.
For me, the #1 story of the day was the #1 seed in the AFC. All Satan’s besties had to do was win in Miami, and judging from the crowd noise, it was a virtual home game for the P*ts. Lo and behold, Tanny Fanny and crew had other plans, shitting all over Dreamboat in a 20-10 romp. New England’s OL protected about as well as a pre-WWII condom, and as strange as this is to type…the better team won today. It wasn’t a fluke at all. Belicheat even had a little tantrum and pulled his starters for the last two minutes once Miami had a two score lead.
Meaning Denver only needed a home win against the woeful, beat-to-fuck Chargers, AT HOME, to take home field advantage. Sounds easy…until you realize that Denver had already lost home tilts against the Chefs AND the Raiders. And right on cue, the Donks committed FIVE fucking turnovers en route to spotting San Diego a 13-7 lead and putting me on track for a lovely dirt nap. Then, in a very decisive, ballsy move – Kubes pulled Brock Osweiler (who really hadn’t played THAT poorly), looking for a spark of leadership, and more tangibly, someone who could READ THE FUCKING BLITZES that SD was using to great effect. PeyPey led Denver to a quick TD, then a FG on the next drive. Not to let me relax, Aqib Talib completely blew a coverage and allowed an 80-yard TD on the very next play. But that would be the last gasp for the Bolts, as PeyPey would calmly lead a tying FG drive, then San Diego would finally make a mistake leading to the clinching Denver TD.
FINALLY, the matchups are set – 1) Denver; 2) New England; 3) Cincy; 4) Houston; 5) Kansas City; 6) Pittsburgh
Yes, that means the Jets Jetsed. But really, that isn’t quite fair. Buffalo played their asses off today, and Todd Bowles deserves a fuckton of credit for the job he did this season. The Jets will be back, and a legitimate pain in the ass for years to come (once they get a long-term QB in place). Today, it came down to one play, the defender just barely knocking the ball away from Kenbrell Tomkins (sp?) to prevent the winning TD. One inch the other way, and the Yinzers are stuck at home. It was just that close, and football is fucking cruel as shit that way sometimes.
Pittsburgh played kind of bad again, but The Factory was The Factory in the end.
Houston beat Former Team of Destiny Jaguras to make the Josh Freeman jalopy Colts win irrelevant. Mettenberger can get his selfie with the #1 overall pick! How exciting!!
The boring-assed Chefs beat Oakland in boring-assed fashion. I was having my Donks-induced heart attack, fuck if I know what happened in detail here (beyond a Tiny Hands Pick Six).
Much less drama in the NFC. The Panthers held serve in crushing fashion, ending all debate in the MVP race. Especially when combined with the thrashing Carson Palmer and Arizona took at home at the hands of the SeaTruthers. That shit was just weird.
The Redacteds could do nothing to improve or harm their playoff positioning, but they shithoused the Cowpokes anyway. Just because they could, I guess.
Freed from Chip Kelly’s yoke, the Iggles won on the road against the G-Men. Elisha threw a Pick Six, and Tom Coughlin stomped out his Capri Sun for probably the very last time. /wipes away tear
As a lasting tribute to the “Homeless to Harvard” Coach Tomsula, those plucky Niners took out the overconfident Rams in OT. This was the last footy I watched before the last RedZone TD montage of the season. /wipes away tear
Miscellany? Bengals beat the Ravens by 8. Lions beat the Bears by 4. The latter I seriously had to look up, as I had no fucking idea who won.
Finally, your dreadfully dull SNF fixture. I stayed up to watch because it impacted the playoff order. Since the skol types emerged victorious, this shall be your order: 1) Carolina; 2) Arizona; 3) Minnesota; 4) Washington; 5) Green Bay; 6) Seattle
Wow.
When even Alex Jones thinks you’re a bunch of idiots you’re doing some serious all-time idiotin’…
http://gawker.com/even-alex-jade-helm-jones-thinks-the-oregon-militiame-1750972637
In fairness to Mr. Batshitcrazy, he’s only annoyed with the idiots in Oregon because he thinks they’re making his gun confiscation narrative take a backseat.
They also forgot to bring food to their siege fortress:
http://www.dailykos.com/stories/2016/1/4/1466048/-Send-snacks
Coughlin resigned.
Just like Frank Pentangeli.
“‘Mongoloids’ is a term used to honor our east asian brethren.”
-Dan Snyder
“They prefer to be called Orientals, Chief Snyder.” @[*Redacted] sfacts
I, myself, look forward to an evening of Al Michaels calling for more 4th-down spikes.
So, while doing my usual year-end/year-beginning illustration “filing,” I came across this gem from last March:
Done in ball-point pen (almost entirely directly, only the barest hint of pencil guidelines from the start) on copy paper, 8.5×11. I make no claim to understanding the origin of this piece.
The Birth of the Belichick.
I’ll make a copy in Photoshop, give the little fucker a hoodie.
I like this almost as much as an old college buddy’s “Theory of Creation” painting which featured an alien sexing up a monkey.
Thanks, man!
I should make it clear that I absolutely ADORED that old “Theory of Creation” painting.
That’s how I read it, but I am happy for the confirmation. Thanks again!
Missing abdomen and some internal organs. 2/10, would not bang.
Give him a cravat, and you’ve got “The birth of BLEERGH”.
I like this one a bit more than mine.
That is some great work.
Tomsula in talks with Vivid Video to revive the “Taboo” series with Ginger Lynn and Christy Canyon.
Bum Fights 3
Bum Fucks 3?
Hobo with a Long Dong
Sex Fist Avenue.
Welp, this development totally changes the context of this silly picture I captioned for a Niners prime time game.
http://36.media.tumblr.com/5bcc0e4a666a727b578936bdd0ceb3f1/tumblr_nvrnqp7qxW1syvjuco1_500.jpg
The Ben is playing like Sexy Rexy lives. I like the Steelers chances at Cincy. But I don’t aboit this AFC on Saturday and NFC Sunday apartheid. Seems very off.
He’s gonna have to throw like mad, another dead RB.
Considering how JV the AFC has looked, it’s fitting that it’s relegated to Saturday.
LOOGIT THE LEADERSHIP PEYTON DISPLAYS AS HE HANDS IT OFF TO HILLMAN AND ANDERSON
Is there anyone out there that prefers Sicilliano over Hanson? Hanson is far superior IMO.
I always preferred Silverchair to Hanson, if you have to go with a mediocre “rock” band comprised of teenagers.
You wait til tomorrow.
Siciliano all the way! Hanson is horrible!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bK9sqPQWGxI
@BoS
Goff has been the pick for the Bears for longer than the season. I share your trepidations. I might still be drunk at 9 so don’t trust me
I’m eating a cream cheese and lox bagel with the ferocity of a grizzly bear right now.
Goddamn Jets. This is a terrible Monday. So very not happy right now. Maybe in a few weeks, I’ll be happy about the 10-6 season, and the rapid turnaround Bowles brought to the team, but for now, I am depressed the Jets aren’t in the playoffs.
Perhaps you could turn your attention to rooting for the [*Redacted] s. Then you could, you know, LIKE THAT!
Can’t do it. Like Doc Holliday (while he was lying), even my hipocrisy has its limits.
And what would an 18 game season have meant? In the NFC, probably SEA could have worked their way to a 5-seed (from a 6). In the AFC, NYJ/PIT continue to battle for a spot and DEN/KC switch (MAYBE).
Good thing the big off field story line was LA because this has been the worst season to make an argument for expanding the regular season.
Maybe by the 18th game we could have had someone literally die on the field.
The Giants would’ve lost 3 more games in the final 5 minutes?
That was all very fun. My head hurts.
RIP Regular Season 2015. This was truly the year of teams which have sucked goatballs the last 10 years or so sucking somewhat less than previously, except the Browns. Huzzah! On to Wild Card Weekend!
I’m seriously questioning why Brock was pulled. The Broncos were AHEAD 7-6 when that decision was made. Sure, the Chargers scored to pull ahead, but Peyton was already warming up when the Brocko defense was on the field.
It’s not like Peyton lit it up, either. All that happened was that the running backs decided not to give up the football.
It’s a short-sighted move that hopefully won’t have any negative repercussions. Brock is the QB of the future. You might as well live and die with him. Otherwise, how the fuck is he supposed to learn?
it was a pure gut reaction. Kubiak sensed that the team’s collective confidence was down, and maybe he didn’t sense the right signals/body language coming from Brock. Or maybe he just thought he NEEDED the magic PeyPey COULD bring.
I don’t think there’s any question that had it backfired and Manning played like shit, that it could have cost Kubiak his job. Which is why I think it was such a courageous move. And you could see the extra pep in the offense’s step the entire next series. Logical or not…it worked.
And of course, it’s psychologically interesting. Kubiak was not a “Manning” as a player. He was one of the league’s best backups his entire career, who never had the chance to start. And he still put the Elway back in the game. That couldn’t have been easy.
Also, it’s not entirely clear Brock is the future QB. His contract expires after the season, and we can’t really franchise tender him (Von) and he may very well be offered money we can’t match. Elway is cold blooded about that kind of stuff.
It’s really this run or bust. Everything was on the line yesterday, and Kubes coached like it.
If Brock is not the QB of the future, who is? Goff will be gone long before the Broncos pick.
You’re right. It’s truly this year or nothing. The problem is that you are fucking the team over for the next ten years minimum whether or not you won that one championship. That, to me, is short-sighted.
I HATE Goff, the dude from Memphis, and especially Hackenberg. I DO like Dak Prescott from Mississippi State, no idea when he will go off the board.
The core of the team is getting expensive and will be hard to keep together no matter what. I think this is the last year of the contention window and at least a mini-rebuild is necessary. It’s ok if the next franchise QB is drafted in the 2017 Draft, at least to me. But one dart will surely be thrown in this one. Likely not the 1st round, though, if there’s a credible LT left.
Denver’s path to the playoffs next year is to find another BloodSugarFitzMagic and be a carbon copy of the Jets.
Balls; I love ya man, but WTF?
“The problem is that you are fucking the team over for the next ten years minimum whether or not you won that one championship.”
That is about the silliest thing I’ve heard in quite a while (excluding Republican statements). Long time listener, first time caller? Trippin’ balls? I digress. Let’s break it down;
Kubiak replaces Brocky with Manning, i.e. replaces backup (7 starts) with former starter who is a HoFer (266 starts). Why? We don’t know the full extent, but what we do know: Manning looked completely healthy in practice, Brocky was struggling reading what John Pagano (as he did in the earlier game), which is to be expected for a QB in his 7th start, the team needed a message; they were all tight and over-cautious. It worked with spark and what he called against Pagono’s defense was much better than what Kubes was calling.
How the hell would what happens in the next, hopefully three games, fuck over the team for ten years? That is crazy. If Brocky can’t mentally handle being benched or replaced in this situation, he certainly can’t handle being a franchise QB. If he is so fragile or egotistical that this would break him in one way or the other, he is no F
As far as next year; Brocky could be the best avail FA QB, in which case get him signed to a cap friendly deal; if another team offers a cap breaker deal to him, he may have to go. They have a shitload (metric) of good players, starters up for contracts next year so it will have to be managed very carefully and there will be a couple of big names move on.
http://www.9to5gifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/octopus-vs-jar-9t5gifs.gif
I guess it comes down to who do you think gives you a better chance to win. For all that Peyton has accomplished, I think Brock does now and in the next few years. You’re closer to the situation, so I’ll defer to you on that assessment.
You’re right in that if he can’t handle a benching, he is not a franchise QB. I think he will do just fine. I just think the team should be his now, not Peyton’s.
You could tell by the way the team reacted they felt more confident with Manning in. Brock is too inexperienced to audible like Manning does. Sure, if you look at the physical; Brock is a young man and most likely has a stronger arm than Manning ever had. I don’t think the “who’s team is it” narrative really means much, more of a media thing. These guys want who they think will win now. I trust the coaches to make that call. Either way I don’t believe you can hurt the team if it is straight forward to the player why you are making a particular call.
Now; another consideration; you saw the hit Manning took straight on. The line is so inconsistent now; one play AnderHillmanson is running free for 17 yards, next play in the Scofield screen-door, no spring play. Osi can take those hits, Manning can not.
My gut tells me to go with Manning, but Kubes has two weeks to decide and it may depend on who they play.
As far as damaging the team with either, the only damage would be if Oswieler was hurt in a career ending fashion.
My impression of Brockwieler is that he is cool and patient with plenty of confidence. He is already better than several starters. There is not going to be any FA QBs worth anything more than backup roles, if that. Trading what it would take could “fuck up the team for ten years”, but sticking with him until a middle rounder of someone else takes his job is most likely the way to go. He may take a cap friendly contract and see what happens.
At least you won’t have a Favre-Rodgers situation. Peyton knows he’s done, but also gets the chance to ride off a hero. Like Tebow.
I think it was a risky move, but one that certainly paid off. I don’t think he did it to get improved QB play…Brock was playing fine. I think he did it to jolt the rest of the offense. Players are always saying you have to be on your toes when Peyton is your QB, so my guess is Kubiak was trying to rid the Broncos of substitute teacher syndrome.
Also a good way to look at it, an angle I hadn’t considered. Who knows what the mix was vs. “yay, PeyPey is back” vs “oh shit, if we humiliate him in his last game in Mile High he will rape us on the field after the game in front of our children” but FUCK IT, shit worked out.
Yeah, totally risky in that NOBODY faults Kubes if he ignores his gut and sticks with Brock. After all, I certainly HOPED PeyPey would play well. But I had no fucking idea. Kubes had seen the “more intense” workout, followed by a handful of practices. So he had SOME idea, but he certainly knew the move could come up snake eyes. But he listened to his gut anyway, and I respect him for that.
picked up one interesting tidbit from the otherwise rancid cesspool that is the Broncos internet – Denver yesterday became the first NFL team to win a game ALL SEASON with a -4 turnover differential. Previous aspirants had been 0-30.
Hooray outliers!
As always, well done Sir Hippo.