Day 2 of Free Agency. Let’s see what unfolded laundry highlights today:
- Doug Martin signed for 5 years to stay with Tampa.
- Well, the Eagles-Dolphins trade was off this morning, but is now apparently back on. The Eagles will move up to the 8 spot, and the Dolphins will go down to 13th and keep Maxwell & Alonso.
- Antonio Gates won’t be moving to LA for at least one year, as he re-upped with the Chargers for 2 years.
- Bruce Irvin took the paycheque and went to the Raiders.
- Who will smoke under the stands with Jay Cutler now that Matt Forte has signed with the Jets?
- The Lions replaced Megatron with Shockwave, as Marvin Jones signs for 5 years.
- George Iloka resigned with the Bengals. No word on Pacman yet (*does “CHUH CHUH” to “Jaws” theme*)
For the LOLs:
None of the Rams defense wants to move to LA. Janoris Jenkins went to the Giants, and Rodney McLeod signed with the Eagles.- Olivier Vernon signed with the Giants for more money than JJ Watt makes. No wonder Tom Coughlin ‘chose’ to walk away from such a master plan.
- Brock Ostweiler signed with the…Texans? Is that a team? Well, we all know what this means:
- Kaepernick goes to the Broncos
- Manziel goes to the 49ers to be Chip’s Great White Hype
- RGIII to the Argonauts
- TEBOW TO THE BROWNS!
It’s almost too perfect.
Finally, Matt Hasslebeck retired…until the Texans call in Week 9.
Politics: Looks like Bernie’s got some life left in his campaign. He eked out a Michigan win on “Super Tuesday 2”, and now…ANOTHER FUCKING DEBATE?!?! Well, with Florida, Illinois & Ohio next week on “Super Tuesday 3: Back In Training”, I guess this makes some sense. Hopefully, it means someone’s campaign will be done soon so we can all focus on watching the upcoming Republican Civil War.
IMPORTANT DICKJOKETHREADJACK
FROM YOUR IMPERIAL OVERLORD
So #TakeBackTheDick folks. Make your dick jokes tonight like you’ve never made them before.
END DICKJOKE THREADJACK
I am thoroughly enjoying the madness that is the Hulk Hogan Terry Bollea – Gawker trial. He’s going by his legal name at the trial, to emphasize how wrestlers separate their “character”: from their real-life persona. Nonetheless, every sentence out of Hulk’s mouth makes him sound ridiculous, plus he’s said “penis” a bunch of times and talked about his “shortcomings”, which had to have made him uncomfortable, brother. His admissions, and burying of kayfabe, is costing him any further chances of returning to Vince’s grappling funhouse as long as they are sticking to the PG attitude.
You want games? I got games! WHATCHA GONNA WATCH, McMAHON?! (All times eastern)
NHL: (6 games total)
- Blackhawks @ Blues – 8:00
- Ducks @ Avalanche – 10:00
- Capitals @ Kings – 10:30
NBA: (9 games total)
- Grizzlies @ Celtics – 7:00
- Clippers @ Thunder – 9:00
- Jazz @ Warriors – 10:30
NCAA: major conference tournament games
- Oklahoma State vs Kansas State – 7:00
- Georgia Tech vs Clemson – 7:00
- TCU vs Texas Tech – 9:00
- St Johns vs Marquette – 9:30
- Florida State vs Virginia Tech – 9:30
Tim Hortons Brier: Draw 13 – 7:30
- Northern Ontario vs Northwest Territories – Sheet A
- Newfoundland vs Quebec – Sheet B
Hurry. HURRY HARD!
Can’t stop laughing at Charlie dressed as Gilligan.
Johnnies down 9 after 8 1/2 minutes? Right on schedule.
Oooooh….continued…
Had like 2 min to kill before Sunny started. So pic
http://56.media.tumblr.com/f5885a692b58368872cddac476cb8070/tumblr_nj0j9k96b91rgjlybo1_1280.jpg
Awwww man…I missed 21 Jump Street.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRTwOZoWTmQ
OH you bastard. At least this video makes up for the song.
Oh Clemson, you are always there to make me feel better about my shitteh university’s athletics program.
Thank you, sincerely.
I am going with Being Frank as my next IASIP pregame ep
THAT IS AWESOME AND I WANT ONE IMMEDIATELY
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lsig6oW9LR1qewvtgo3_250.gif
So my eldest nephew made his HS Vollyball team, and he let everyone know with a FB post that rivaled some awards acceptance speeches. The only part of it I liked? He spelled “y’all” properly.
Kid’s gonna be all right.
*yall
Because I’m in a quiz mode: Name the 13 markets with a team in each of the Big Four (MLB, NFL, NBA, NFL) leagues.
When did they make the quiz? LA may or may not be an answer.
It is up to date as of the Rams move.
So, can we say, “Not so fast, St. Louis!”?
NY, Boston, LA, Washington, Philly, Dallas, Minneapolis, Chicago, Detroit, Denver, Phoenix… does SF/San Jose count?
That’s… shit, 12. Umm, if they counted CFL you could have Toronto.
The Bay Area is one market, so yes. But no Toronto since no NFL.
You’ve only missed the one that just got its status back.
If Bay Area is one market, then Oakland.
Nevermind, you missed the one with a shitton of urban decay.
Ignore me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LsB6kwoE8FQ
New York, Chicago, LA, Minn, Detroit, Miami, Dallas, Atlanta, NO, Boston, Philly. I think I am stuck at 11
You have nine. Strike Atlanta (no NHL) and New Orleans (No NHL or MLB).
California gets confusing as hell just because well…everything is fucking suburban sprawl.
Washington DC?
I knew NO was wrong right after I sent it, but I wanted to go for a cig so I didn’t bother to correct it. And when did the NHL leave Atlanta. I should pay better attention
Doesn’t Miami only have Baseball and Basketball and Football?
I don’t think the Panthers count.
Miami is treated as “South Florida” and counts as one. The Panthers play in Sunrise (I think).
Than i guess Tampa (Central Florida) counts as well with the Lightning, Bucs, Magic, and Rays.
Point taken, but Orlando and Tampa/St. Pete are usually considered separate markets.
I thought they were in the Orlando area, there’s my 13th then.
Add Phoenix.
And Denver.
Philadelphia
Denver
Chicago(?)
The last one is Charlotte.
Never mind. I apparently don’t follow baseball.
The Hurricanes play in Raleigh, too.
To make this even more interesting: name the ones that actually play in their namesake location.
13: LA, NY, Boston, Philly, Detroit, Denver, Phoenix, Minnesota, South Florida, Bay Area, Chicago, Dallas, Washington DC.
Namesakes: LA, NY, Philly, Detroit, Chicago, Washington DC.
Adding to Marc’s 9 markets:
Phoenix
Denver
ANSWER TIME:
New York (Rangers, Islanders, maybe Devils, Knicks, Nets, Mets, Yankees, Giants, Jets)
Los Angeles (Rams, Lakers, Clippers, Dodgers, Angels, Ducks, Kings)
Chicago (Cubs, White Sox, Bears, Bulls, Blackhawks)
San Francisco/Oakland/San Jose (49ers, Raiders, Warriors, Giants, A’s, Sharks)
Dallas (COWBOYS!, Mavericks, Rangers, Stars)
Philadelphia (Eagles, Flyers, Sixers, Phillies)
Washington D.C. ([*Redacted] s, Capitals, Wizards, Nationals)
Minneapolis/St. Paul (Twins, Vikings, Wild, Timberwolves)
Denver (Broncos, Nuggets, Avalanche, Rockies)
South Florida (Dolphins, Heat, Panthers, Marlins)
Detroit (Lions, Pistons, Tigers, Red Wings)
Boston (P*triots, Celtics, Bruins, Red Sox)
Phoenix (Cardinals, Diamondbacks, Coyotes, Suns)
Of those 13, only three have all their teams in their namesake city (Chicago, Philadelphia, Denver) and all of the Phoenix/Arizona teams and Minnesota teams play in their respective namesake locations.
Hey, I was right!
I would add NY and LA for namesakes. They have four unique ones that carry the name although not all do.
Neither NFL team plays in New York proper, though.
I thought we were going by names. (Detroit Tigers, Detroit Lions, Detroit Red Wings, Detroit Pistons)
Technically, the Detroit Piston play in Auburn Hills, don’t they?
You also missed Washington for namesakes. They are all the Washington somethings.
Fun fact: All the Minneapolis/St. Paul teams are actually named after the state, not the cities.
http://www.vegmomos.com/php/uploads/2015/06/Accident-Porn-English-in-India.jpg
NXT on demand, and Lucha Underground with an immediate replay. I keep waiting for the other foot to fall on a very watchable Wednesday.
Needs moar eggplant!
http://i.imgur.com/ajJUZxw.gif
That tiger is my new spirit animal.
I just took a Sporcle quiz to name all 197 countries. I got 122 in 15 minutes. My ability to spell the name of other countries is pretty shitty.
How do they define country? It’s actually a fairly contentious issue…
I don’t know. 197 sounded low since I thought it was over 200.
But yeah, I didn’t so well.
HIGH QUALITY!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x88Z5txBc7w
Sunny is done for the year after tonight. Watching random eps from this season until I get to the new one. Starting with The Gang hits the slopes.
That one is genius!
http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/toddler-discovered-hidden-in-hand-luggage-aboard-istanbul-to-paris-flight/ar-AAgziRl?ocid=ansmsnnews11
I like that the Giants address the defense, but that’s a lot of money.
Jerry Jones is sending a van full of the best fireworks in Texas to the Giants summer training camp.
JPP: “PRETTY BOOM BOOMS!”
Giants coaching staff: “JASON, NOOOOOOOO!”
Dewey Cox: Walk Hard is an unappreciated gem.
I love it when Dewey gets reamed out for never, ever buying drugs.
Latest popular misunderstanding of science that bugs me : Talking about how things change your brain like that’s some sort of a big deal. EVERYTHING CHANGES YOUR BRAIN, IT’S CALLED PERCEPTION, LEARNING AND MEMORY.
I prefer to call my brain my “meat computer.”
http://www.terrybisson.com/page6/page6.html
That is one of my favorite short stories.
That was a pretty fast reply, almost as if you have some sort of non-meat computing device with which to read…
“He, the lottery numbers are 1-2-3-4-5, what are the odds?”
Exactly the same odds as every other possible combination!
I like the one that goes “X is only one molecule away from plastic/poison/some other shit you don’t want to eat!!!”
And water is one molecule away from hydrogen peroxide. OMG WATER IS POISON!!
BAN DHMO!
http://i43.tinypic.com/mbspx3.jpg
I love that this website is still around.
http://www.dhmo.org/truth/Dihydrogen-Monoxide.html
Classic early 2000s webpages!
Yeah, but zombo.com is gone, and the world is poorer for its loss.
Oxygen is poison at the right pressure. This entire planet is full of shit EVOLVED to kill everything else on it.
Of course oxygen is poison. DUH it’s a CHEMICAL!!
But it’s natural! Unlike all those artificial chemicals, stay away from those!
http://56.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbtx09DcJe1qc1sduo1_500.jpg
Mine’s not working, but it is changing.
Damn, John Larroquette is a good actor. Even on a show like “Night Court” when he shows serious chops its impressive.
I fuckin LOVED Night Court as a kid. That show killed me, and John Larroquette is indeed an incredible actor, with great comedic timing.
Im pissed that Voston Legal has not been on streaming services
Im pissed that Boston Legal has not been on streaming services
Speaking of dick jokes, playing the Theremin looks awfully like jerkin off
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6KbEnGnymk
Oh lord let the Broncos sign Glennon. I can’t wait to see the SB Champ fan base talk themselves into that shitheap.
already on it!
I like the new Bears leadership, they did pretty much exactly what I expected them to do. Other than Bobbie Massie who I somehow had never heard of but expected them to pick up a lineman.
Why am I watching this Georgetown-DePaul shitshow as a teaser to St. John’s-Marquette? Do I really hate myself that much?
You ask that but yet…
I’m watching “Invisible Sister” on Disney Channel. Consider that in your analysis for self-hate watching.
What, like on purpose? Do you have children or something?
Morbid curiosity, really.
You’re talking to someone who watches Girl Meets World due in part to have a common show with my baby sister until Game of Thrones returns, and also because I think the blonde will grow up to have an amazing career if Disney doesn’t fuck her up.
I just learned the President’s Mythbusters Archimedes Death Ray Challenge is on. So I’m watching that now.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Je-CPZRwbh8
Gawker Media is pretty much a cesspool about to be extinguished by Hulk Hogan, but I won’t deny I love a good Albert Burneko rant.
http://adequateman.deadspin.com/raw-milk-is-for-idiots-1763837603
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZH3cPk_edRU
I forget, is Lehigh Sill’s team or his anti-team?
Sill HATES Lehigh. He’s a Layafette man.
Both start with L, so I mixes ’em up. The same way with people’s names, which is why I am shit with business development. Well, that and the complete lack of a personality.
Forte reportedly signed with the Jets. God, I hope that doesn’t go terribly for him.
As long as it’s the Winnipeg Jets he should be ok.
Worked pretty well for Brandon Marshall. I’m gonna laugh if the Jets end up slowly acquiring all the best players on the Bears.
Let’s make this happen and trade them Jay Cutler right now.
Hah! That would be awesome!
I might actually listen to local sports radio for a day or two if that happened.
The excitement will last until the Bears end up in the Broncos position scrambling to overpay some of Brock Osweilier’s ilk.
Of course, I think Bears fans deserve to wander the quarterback desert for the next ten years for how they’ve bitched about Cutler, BUT I’M NOT BITTER AT ALL.
What if it ended up as a Cutler/Fitzmagic swap?
As long as my people suffer, I’m a-okay with it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWju37TZfo0
DEUS, DAMNARET EAM! TE ADORO! EGO AUTEM CANTABO LAUDES! ET RETRIBUET MIHI IAM NUNC EXPERIMENTUM VESTRI?! TU ES MEMBRUM GEN STEELERS? AN UTI VOS LEGERE ME? RESPONDE MIHI, FILI CANIS!!!
http://www.cincinnati.com/story/sports/nfl/bengals/2016/03/09/adam-jones-resigns-with-cincinnati-bengals/81556756/
Ah shit, the Bengals put Redshirt in Latin mode again.
and then Trump wins his state in a couple weeks. We may need to send a care package of some varietal.
I kinda want Pacman to change his nickname to Biggus Dickus now.
But will he marry Incontinentia?
Incontinentia could be a stripper name, so why not?
I am staying the required 500 ft from that strip club.
/measures 500ft
//DAMMIT!!!!
“Where’s this strip club with 500 feet?”
-Rex Ryan
In Redshirt’s head:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDFFHaz9GsY
CREDITE QUOD!
Apparently 41 on Okie State got a breakup text from his BAE or something? I dunno, my teevee box is all muted.
Pacman 3 year deal with the Bengals.
WOOOO! At least one more year where he costs them a playoff game.
MFW
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RX2o_irfruM&t=40s
You think Redshirt ain’t gon drank? Oh, he gon drank. Bullee dat.
who sued ESPN to make them start saying “Champ Week?”
I wondered that, nearly word for word, yesterday.
pill-addled wolven minds think alike…
Pill addled.
Don’t I wish.
hey, the addled stays forevs!
And my brain really is soup at this point. I’m dumb enough to be a U*NC magna cum laude now.
That made me giggle.
Thanks for that.
Coby Fleener signs with the Saints.
Anyone else think that “Coby Fleener” is just the laziest possible name given to someone in Witness Protection? Sounds like it was assigned late on a Friday when everyone just wanted to get to Happy Hour?
Sounds like a sex act.
Just saying.
Chefs get docked a third and a sixth (and money) for Maclin tampering. No picks for anyone this year! All the draft picks get docked!
YOU LOSE A DRAFT PICK!!!! AND YOU LOSE A DRAFT PICK!!!! AND YOU LOSE A DRAFT PICK!!!!!
Can they just destroy draft picks like that? In this blog WE OBEY THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS!
Also, PV = nRT ,, ppl forget that
SHUT UP BOYLE!!!!!!
Longer BBQ break for Andy!
Everyone’s freaking out about the Broncos and I don’t get it. They’ve lost two of their least essential defenders and a near-replacement level quarterback.
STOP BEING THE VOICE OF REASON.
This is NFL news and it must sustain us until the draft; forgive us if we line up each item and snort it like coke fiends at a Hollywood afterparty.
Not like they are trading Von to the Cowboys or something cray-cray…
Ah hell the Steelers are going to be quiet during FA and we’re gonna get another year of “doing it the right way” bullshit, aren’t we?
NAWT if you go replacing Heath with another one of Tomlin’s thugs ,, smgdh
Resigned Ramon Foster, bitches! And William Gay! That’s uh…
[stabs self in thigh before utters something about “right way”]
You have the Browns, Bengals and Ravens in the division. You’ll do fine, unless God answers my prayers and sends Christopher Lloyd and a group of angels or if I can train an dog to play Middle Linebacker.
I’m a Jets fan, I just live in Stiller/Iggle country. I also can’t stand the fellating the Stillers get around her and from the national media.
Oh, sorry. Here’s a Virtual Hug. I feel like you need one.
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bnRuuFwIUxk/Ug0LAWVDIKI/AAAAAAAB5cY/wY-kJhLbdYg/s1600/b.gif
Every player on Kansas State looks like he should be named “Zeke”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4gDch1p4c_M
Over/Under Number of Years before Elway is turned into GM Glue: Five
I’ll take the under.
NEIGH
I wonder what the Vegas odds are of Denver becoming Hoyer Country before the week ends.
Is he a FA, or would he have to be traded for? Not sure I’d be willing to give up that precious conditional 7th rounder if’n RGIII wants to much money.
A good fight vs those heathens from Duke. But mercifully, 2016 NCSU basketball comes to an end today.
/a moment of silence
//now drink!!!!
When does Fan Free Agency start? (Asking for a friend)
For your friend, the day after Pacman re-signs.
/Chuh chuh
O Lord grant me the strength.
Can Pac-Man play teh QB?
/also asking for a friend
BAHAHAHAHAHA!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3484064/Pro-gun-poster-girl-shot-four-year-old-son-driving-Florida-boy-pistol-seat-truck.html
I feel so bad that all I could think of after reading the article was, “Damn, she’s kinda hot,” and “that really is a nice .45.”
Don’t feel bad. She is hot. Well, at least she was.
Where’s the new hole?
(too soon?)
I’d be making that joke in the goddamn ambulance.
I knew I liked you.
oh, that’s good
😉
This is why there should be some common sense gun reform. Let honest people have their guns, but keep them out of the hands of those who shouldn’t have them, like criminals, the mentally unstable and the four year old sons out for the family fortune.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE A REEL PATROIT YOU SOSHLIST
I’m Trump’s and Cruz’s worst enemy, an Open Minded Republican.
I should qualify as an Endangered Species if the Senate would get off their ass.
I’m going with the theory that her 4 year old shot her on purpose.
change my cartoons again, BITCH
PLAY WHEELS ON THE BUS ONE MORE FUCKING TIME, LADY, SEE WHAT HAPPENS
Eat my vegetables? EAT THIS!
Natural selection almost won, but it takes a lot more stupid to be cast out of Florida’s gene pool.
Stories like these remind me of the folks who insist the best way to protect yourself is with a gun.
As much as I think that the NFL’s two-pronged return to LA is doomed to hilarious failure and criminal considerations within 10 years, I do wish they were already there, so that we had a reason at the start of every Free Agency period to play Los Angeles Is Burning on repeat until they lost all their star players.
Excuse to post Los Angeles is Burning? Excuse to post Los Angeles is Burning!
All I was really looking for from my brethren.
God I love Elway’s passive-aggressive stance now that Brock is gone.
“Fine we didn’t want him ANYWAY! We’ll build a better team with players who WANT to be Broncos!”
Didn’t know equines had that ability.
(please work please work please work…)
http://i.imgur.com/NBLUB9i.gif
Dick jokes you say?
2 things:
– It’s funny to me that the word “large” got left over from the image link
– I never noticed the BBC off in the background. He’s got a brotha!
As fun as the free agency thread was, there’s 69 comments there. I say we retire it immediately.
Certain threads should have automatic cutoff limits, for instance, anything involving a player’s arrest should stop at the first two numbers of his police report.
It’s nice to see that Hogan’s lawyer goes to the same hairpiece guy as Trump.