MLB Opening Day Reflections on NFL Team Names

First of all, why the hell is there interleague play on the first day of the season? That’s the kind of dumb move I would expect from the Ginger Hammer (needed an excuse to work in the National Disgrace tag).

Anyway, in honor of Opening Day for this season’s Vegas-favorite Chicago Cubs (what could go wrong?) and with some disrespect intended to the self-proclaimed BFIB, I wanted to find an excuse to put an old-timey Cubs logo up on the site and then dwell on NFL History. WeeBabySeamus already did an excellent job with béisbol predictions for the season, so if you’re looking for analysis/predictions/anything resembling a cromulent thought on that matter, check out his post.  If you want to loosely-connected randomness, press onward!

Occasionally one of the resident [DFO] baseball fans will refer to the Chicago Cubs as the Little Bears, which is not only etymologically and zoologically accurate, but historically accurate as well. Thing is, though, the order of operations is slightly different than some folks may believe.

The Cubs logo in the banner image is from the 1922 season. Why does that matter? Because that was the first year the Bears were the Bears (and in lesser news, the year the NFL changed its name from the Peter King-sized mouthful American Professional Football Association).

In 1919, the A.E. Staley Company of Decatur, Illinois, created a company football team. The next year, the company asked one George Stanley Halas to work there…and run the football team. If that name isn’t familiar to you, then congratulations, you’ll get along with the thousands of Chicagoans who somehow don’t know why “GSH” is on every Bears jersey. But I digress.

“Papa Bear” Halas become the Decatur Staleys’ key guy–he played end, coached the team, managed the business affairs and represented the team in the dealings that led to the creation of the NFL. After buying the rights to the team, he moved them to Chicago for the 1921 season. The Chicago Staleys played in Wrigley Field starting in 1921, but only kept the name for one year, making it hard to find a quality photo of their logo:

Boring logo for a team named after a company that no longer owned them…would be suboptimal if they hadn’t won the damn national championship that season. But once the obligation to keep the Staley name elapsed, Papa Bear needed to pick a new name. And since the Bears were borrowing the Chicago Cubs’ home turf to play their newfound foosball games, it didn’t take long for the NFC Championship trophy’s namesake to muse aloud if football players are bigger than baseball players, and these baseball players are Cubs, then our football players must be Bears!

Now, I’m doing most of this from memory of some random books on Halas and the early days of the NFL that I read as a kid, but most of it checks out on the most reliable of websites.  It may be kind of a lame origin story, but Papa Bear was a badass and it brought a smile to my face as a kid, so deal with it. Without further ado, here are my theories of how the other NFL Franchises got their names (recognizing that there are websites with “researched” answers to the question here, here, and here).  And as always with [DFO], no fucking slideshows!

Arizona Cardinals: Illinois’ state bird is the cardinal, and more importantly, this team new that if they stayed in Chicago too long, they’d be molested by the Bears, a trait popularized by certain high ranking clergymen in the Catholic Church. This is why the Cardinals flew away to St. Louis and then to the Pink Taco in Arizona. It’s also why they’re cursed with the Bidwells as owners. Also, fuck all forms of the St. Louis Cardinals.

Atlanta Falcons: Consensus team name choice after the first five ballots produced extraordinarily racist options.  To date, no one has ever seen a falcon in Atlanta.

Baltimore Ravens: Homage to the star of That’s So Raven, the driving force behind the relocation of the Modells moving from Baltimore and also the woman that pushed for Trent Dilfer over Tony Banks when the team needed him most.

Buffalo Bills: Duh.

Carolina Panthers: Jerry Richardson was unaware that the Black Panthers were in favor of full rights for African-Americans.

Chicago Bears: Did you forget already? Quit stealing MTWV’s stash.

Cincinnati Bengals: Paul Brown was devastated to learn that the name “Browns” was already taken.

Cleveland Browns: Paul Brown was devastated to have this team named for him.

Dallas Cowboys: What Tex Schramm liked to be called mid-coitus.

Denver Broncos: Fans originally petitioned to have the team be called “Denver Mountain Ranges,” but that name was taken by a popular whore at a downtown brothel.

Detroit Lions: Similar to the Bears in the franchise’s connection to its baseball counterpart. It’s hard to believe, but before RoboCop came and laid waste to downtown Detroit leaving the post-apocalyptic economic and moral hellscape we see today, the city was home to a robust ecosystem with a variety of flora and fauna. A pride of Lions had recently eaten several members of the Detroit Tigers, and the football team wanted to rub it in.

Green Bay Packers: Curly Lambeau loved gay jokes. It was a different time.

Indianapolis Colts: The team was originally slated to be named the “Baltimore Foals,” but they bumped up a horse size in case they ever needed to move to a state where no one was baby sized.

Jacksonville Jaguras: The fans voted, but so few Alzheimers-free people lived in Jacksonville at the time that actual jaguars outnumbered humans at the polls and selfishly claimed the name. The team has sought revenge by refusing to spell it correctly.

Kansas City Chiefs: Lamar Hunt moved the team from Dallas, where it had been called the rednecks. Similarly, he wanted something offensive to locals but not TOO offensive. He’s not a monster.

Miami Dolphins: Franchise was committed to demonstrating that letting fans vote to name the team was a terrible idea. The whole goal was to save elementary and other schools from having to go through this. Failed, which is how we ended up with multiple Ace Ventura movies and schools with offensive mascot names.

Minnesota Vikings: What’s something that encapsulates traveling very far but not quite conquering once you got there?

New England Patriots: Couldn’t get “FAHKING CHEATAHS” past the censors.

New Orleans Saints: The team owner was a huge fan of Boondock Saints. Which means he’s a racist.

New York Giants: Futile attempt to recruit Willie Mays to play football.

New York Jets: Titans was too big of a name for a team that would one day employ Brett Favre. Fuck that guy.

Oakland Raiders: “A “name the team” contest was held by the Oakland Tribune, and the winner was announced April 4, 1960 as the Oakland Señors.^[4] After a few days of being the butt of local jokes (and accusations that the contest was fixed, as Soda was fairly well known within the Oakland business community for calling his acquaintances “señor”), the fledgling team (and its owners) changed the team’s name nine days later ^[5] to the Oakland Raiders, which had finished third in the naming contest.^[6] The original team colors were black, gold and white. The now-familiar team emblem of a pirate (or “raider”) wearing a football helmet was created, reportedly a rendition of actor Randolph Scott.^[7]” That was all from wikipedia. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Philadelphia Eagles: A noble attempt to debunk the myth that Benjamin Franklin liked turkeys better than eagles.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Homage to local industry.

San Diego Chargers: The team owner’s lover used to hook his testicles up to car batteries during tease and denial sessions. An apt metaphor for the team’s performance on the field.

San Francisco 49ers: Locals thought there was still gold underneath Candlestick Park, hence the 1989 earthquake.

St. Louis Rams: DID SOMEONE SAY RAM IT?!

Seattle Seahawks: No one thought a franchise in Seattle could make it, so they took the first rejected nickname for Shawn Kemp’s ejaculate.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Everyone wanted a set up for a booty joke for cross promotional tie-ins to Tampa’s notorious strip club scene. The overlap of the two industries continued during the inaugural football season when everyone was reminded that you can’t win without spending enough money to get out of the champagne room.

Tennessee Titans: “Didn’t work in New York? We’ll take it.” Also applies to local businesses and residents.

Washington REDACTEDs: This team was originally called the Boston Braves, but that could be interpreted as honoring the men and women from whom we took this country, so George P. Marshall changed it to the most offensive slur his feeble mind could conjure on a mere three bottles of rye.

In conclusion, Go Cubs!