So we’ve made it to the first major event of the 2016 NFL season, the first round of the draft is tonight! As we are reminded that coaches, general managers, and meddling owners are the real stars of this league, we will also use this event to be introduced to the latest class of well-dressed athletes who, in as soon as four years even, may be budding stars preparing to be training camp hold outs insisting on new contracts, early retirees, or simply journeymen professionals chasing their athletic dreams.
Remember about a month ago when the draft universe was upside-down? The top two picks, Tennessee and Cleveland, presumably pleased with their quarterback situations (because nothing says “nah, we’re good at QB” like having a top draft pick), were expected to kick off the draft with unsexy upgrades to their non-existent lines. Boltman and Ol’ Double-J would then get some screen time before perpetual top-five picker Jacksonville would bring aboard someone with high upside who won’t make it to the preseason without getting an injury that will land him on the season-ending IR. Also, the P*triot’s didn’t have a first round pick because they had tampered with game balls and got caught. But that didn’t matter because, with Tom Brady for 16 weeks, this team didn’t need a first round pick to get off to a hot start.
Well, now our draft universe is upside-down for other reasons. The Los Angeles Rams of Raider Nation announced that their “philosophy has always been to build through the draft” before sending six of their first seven picks over the next two years to Tennessee in exchange for the right to pick first tonight. Who will they take? Well, RAMIT insiders haven’t decided yet. Not to be outdone — by LA or their previous regime — the Philadelphia Eagles gave up eight picks to earn the right to draft whoever gets rejected by the guys who assembled a 2015 QB depth chart of Nick Foles, Case Keenum, and Sean Mannion. Laremy Tunsil, the projected top pick before Tennessee traded down, is set to lose at least $1.5 million on his rookie contract as a result of these trades. Also, the P*triot’s still don’t have a first round pick because they had tampered with game balls and got caught. Also, they lost Tom Brady for the first four weeks of the season, including their Sunday Night Football home opener where Chris and Al will have to talk about Brady being out because he’s a cheater even though they don’t want to talk about Brady’s history of cheating.
Now, for everyone who submitted on Pick Is In, tonight is also judgement day for you. That’s right, click below to open the official [DFO] Draft Challenge Prediction Board, turn on the television, and get ready to weep.
Ian Rapaport looks exactly like someone who would tweet from inside the temple just before a funeral.
Which he actually did during Myra Kraft’s funeral.
Oh shit, excellent idea! I’ve got banana chocolate chip in the freezer!
Also parts of three hookers, but that’s another story entirely.
How the fuck you doin boys?! Long time no komment. I’m psyched for the Jets to continue their established history of draft success and select a fresh corpse from the local morgue in the first round.
Welcome back! Denver is excited to have your cast offs.
WITNESS MY SHAME
http://i.imgur.com/mLp9WWL.jpg
Yeah…. still not going to pretend I care about peyton
“I can’t wait to fine this kid’
– Goodell on Elliots half shirt.
So Fitzpatrick would rather not play football than play for the Jets? Wow, he must have a fallback plan. Anyone know where he went to school?
Yale if I remember correctly.
Guys, I think this Smirnoff Malt Liquor Moscow Mule may be the thing I have been looking for all of my life. Dor sho gha!
THE CAN IS COPPER COLOURED
Fuckin’ aliens. #Trump2016 #BuildTheInterstellarWall
I know someone that would have loved this red carpet:
Red Carpet? I know the Ginger Hammer thinks he is God, but this is the stupidest thing I have seen them do. Seriously.
Wait, the fuckwits lining the red carpet are the stupidest things I have ever seen in the NFL.
Is Idiot idiotic causeTV loves idiots?
I dunno, maybe the moms really enjoy it? If so, then whatevs.
I’m like a kid in the candy store
– Grumblelord.
ok who is this annoying blonde on NFLN?
the return of Melissa Stark!
She’s all blonde and gray and sparkly.
An oddly satisfying combination.
lithe and good shoulders, I am on board
I don’t like to hate on her… After all shes doing a job but damn is she needs to lay off the coke to supplement her perkiness in the future.
It’s important to pace oneself with coke ,, ppl forget that
I’ve rolled into my local mellow mushroom (hate the neighborhood but love the pizza and beer options, shut up, Blax, I already gave up on Passover this year) and have started in on. Six Point Bengali Tiger on draft. Anyone had the Deschutes Fresh Squeeze and want to talk me into that over a Souther Tier 2X IPA (one of my faves) next?
Man, Nkemdiche seems like an awesome dude. I REALLY want him to fall to the Donks now.
And am I just high, or is Michael Irvin (selfie stick aside) less grating than usual tonight?
Is this where we draft red carpet MILFs?
Oooh the 70’s.
Oh Mayock!!!! How I mithhed you!!!
First 4 picks:
Goff
Wentz
Tunsil
Manziel
You saw it here first
Seems Legit
Man people really need to stop listening to that homeless guy.
Walked past a hookah bar in DC and saw some dudes in Bills jerseys clearly ready for the draft. Let’s do this!
http://41.media.tumblr.com/33e9130fa6ac7af2216fba4ca2110d6b/tumblr_n603v0qa991rnny8ho1_500.jpg
What up?
Mayock with the whitest way possible of saying “Game recognizes game”
you can see why he’d avoid “recognizes”
Ronnie Lott: Big deal, cut it off, he’s got another knee!
New game: Draft a method of death for Chris Berman.
Tetanus infection from the rusty razor we used to cut off his genitals.
Propecia overdose
fire ants up his dickhole?
Leather asphyxiation
wow, Jimbo be tiny
Wentz’s mom sounds like she has had a few MIcheladas… that’s what they drink in North Dakota correct?
That’s why they care so much about the Mexican border in North Dakota
Jim Kelly, and it’s not funny, man.
Who’s this steakhead on NFLN who talks entirely out of the right side of his mouth?
That poor fucking idiot kid in the Cutler jersey.
Why, cause he’s succeptible to whooping cough and rubella?
switch to menthols, cure ya right up!
Dear lord not only have the players been handled but their parents have been handled and coach on how to answer stupid questions.
aaaannnnnd here comes Carson Wentz, in boring white people clothes. Except wearing sneakers with his suit, like a 90-year old man. I have really shitty feet, but even I don’t do THAT.
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I see that!
He needs traction so he can dodge all the batteries.
So, ESPN or NFLN?
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Cyanide or arsenic?
If I could have JUST Tirico and Kiper (even though he’s a smarmy know-it-all) I would watch ESPN. But alas…no…so NFLN
It’s 43f outside. A constant wind from the north.
I am about to set fire to a park trashcan for warmth.
And these 6 year olds can’t turn a fucking double play! I GOT 50 BUCKS ON THIS DAMN IT!!!
Like I says, when in doubt ALWAYS SET A FIRE
Jim Tomsula wants to know what park you’re in, and promises to bring a bottle of Night Train.
I am finding it harder and harder each year to watch the fake smiles on peoples faces while asking dumb questions to dumb athletes.
I need to think of a topical discussion beer to pick up before this Boo Fest of Goodell commences. I wonder if the Tobacco Outlet has Allagash White?
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS RED CARPET SHIT?
You know fantasy football commercials make me sick. They make guys all one dimensional “Oh we only talk about sports” har har har… Hey we like to talk about that nice rack on the woman at the supermarket or how great those yoga pants made her ass look.
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Is it in yet?
http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/tripping.gif
“Sadly, no.”
-Damp Sleeping Bag-infused craft beer
this is like the Oscar’s red carpet show, but for black fashion. MUCH more interesting.
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With the #6 pick overall…the Baltimore Ravens…defer until the 2nd half.
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NFLN is showing tweets, like the golden “Tunsil is going 1st round for sure”
Jesus FUCK what is wrong with America.
/looks at success of Trump’s campaign
http://awesomegifs.com/wp-content/uploads/sad-scared-pug.gif
“what is wrong with America.”
[rest of the world runs out of finger and toes in less than a minute]
To be fair, “too awesome” takes 3 fingers all on its own.
Better accuracy than Kiper.
There’s just no drama left for the draft. We’ve already had the greatest 1-2 pick disparity (Manning-Leaf), the biggest reach (Jets, Mike Nugent) and that was also the winner of biggest Jets Booooournsing. What titles are left to be claimed?
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Every year holds out the hope for a Biggest Draft Bust to (finally) unseat Ryan Leaf. Or was it Jamarcus Russell?
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Factory of Sad….El Beisbol edition.
There will never be a bigger bust than Jamarcus Russell, both literally and figuratively.
http://www.beheadingboredom.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/kangaroo-accident-slips-falls-majestic.gif
If you’re talking first round picks then consider that cleveland usually screws up two first rounders (Thomas, Quinn; ???, Manziel) so combined they are bigger than–oh wait no, still not bigger that Jamarcus.
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I’m just here…to beat Marino’s Wonderlic.
[cowers] “Please, no more!”
-Marino’s Wonderlic
+1 Isotoner comercial
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Timothy Leary’s butt crack never looked so amazing…
Hey, guys, is there a football-related thing going on today?
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The draft is the truest test of any relationship. I mean, a significant other can almost always get why one would enjoy watching a sporting contest, even if they don’t derive pleasure from it personally. But large men on the auction block for THREE FULL DAYS while blowhards we have no respect for bloviate senselessly about same…that can be a little hard to swallow.
But GODDAMN IT’S FANTASTIC ,, AMIRITE??
I was gonna give you a “Meh”.
But you combined “large men on the auction block” with “hard to swallow”, soooooo….
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Would it be okay if I changed all of my answers?
I’m in rural md watching an under 12 girls softball game for my birthday. I need updates and humor you fucks!!!
I would ask foar photos, but that would be wrong.
Stupid sexy Megan’s Law….
“LUCKY! Oh wait, you said GIRLS. nvm”
– M. Trestman
So sweet that they thought of running around for you on your special day!
Is there grass on the field?
http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g25/BlueTrumpet_2006/politics/Left/chris_hansen_animated.gif~original
True story: There is a group of nesting predator birds nesting in Iowa City that haven’t been seen in Iowa since the Cubs last won the World Series.
We also haven’t had a large meteor (or something) airburst over Siberia since the Cubs last won. Is that what you want? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tunguska_event
test (it’s been a while)
http://i.imgur.com/8eXoxQ4.gif
http://funnyasduck.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/funny-man-running-pitch-invasion-guard-slip-fall-animated-gif-pics.gif
So is it too late to change my picks?
/asking for a friend
LD would make a great NFL commisioner. WHY NOT A MENSCH?
Hey Chosen Commentists, did I use that right?
That is impressive gritty hustle on that data cumpilation.
http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/gallery/omg/scared.gif